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Posted by: Peggy Carpenter Harwood Feb 29 08, 10:09

Spring's Promise

January is a month
of winter weather.
Harsh winds
have blown biting rain
for weeks.
Frigid air has invaded
through the crack
under the front door.
A hot water bottle
has warmed
my feet at night.

Today is different.
No dark rain clouds
shut out the sun.
It shines brilliantly,
drying a sodden earth beneath,
and cajoling birds to chirp.
I throw open the windows
so the warm breeze
can enter.
Yes, Spring has paid
a visit,
a welcome promise
of better days
to come.

Peggy

Posted by: Peterpan Feb 29 08, 10:20

Hello Peggy~

It could be prose. If you go through it and delete superfluous words it can be more of a poem.

eg, Bev's edit:
January, a month
of winter weather.
Harsh winds
(for weeks)
blew biting rain.
Frigid air invaded
through crack
under door.

I think it is all a matter of opinion...and many have opinions!!!! hee hee.

I do like your content and idea, though. (I am from hot and humid, January in South Africa!)

PP

PS
Ultimately, up to you. I find these days writing is a very controversial and personal issue. You are the writer and you are allowed to write exactly as you wish. You put your name on the poem, it is your work and you must be happy. Of course if you send it out to comment things re different. But, this is my opinion. Take care and good luck with the other comments. Bev

Posted by: Xanadu Mar 2 08, 12:58

Prose or poem?

This was a test I was put to at another forum. If you write your work out in paragraph form and it sounds like a paragraph you would expect to read in a work of fiction or non-fiction...it is prose. (???)
So, I guess, you gotta break it up and get rid of the complete sentences. Or, so I am told. Still wrestling with this myself. TMO!!! Too many opinions on this matter to really come to any concrete conclusion.

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Mar 3 08, 06:38

Hi Peggy,

It definitely reads like prose IMHO, as in having a normal conversation to another. I suggest taking a look at employing some poetic devices like rhythm/meter (how it sounds from word to word), perhaps some inner rhymes, assonance and alliteration. This cries out to me like a metaphor, so I would take a look at that device and try and use spring as a metaphor, personify it if you can as an example.

I find that poetry most often times should take the reader to another place, and oftentimes, does not use every day language. There are some tips as sticky topics in the Karnak Crossing forum such as: http://forums.mosaicmusings.net/index.php?showtopic=279 and http://forums.mosaicmusings.net/index.php?showtopic=88 and http://forums.mosaicmusings.net/index.php?showtopic=7494. Why not have a read of those tiles and see if anything there helps?

Be back soon!
~Cleo

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Mar 3 08, 06:39

P.S. As I mentioned to Linda in her tile, Dead Letters, here are some tips I had offered to her that may come in handy for you as well...

A few pointers I'll toss out there is to use poetic devices to their fullest and try to find new ways to say something (that thesaurus comes in handy).

For example:
Imagery: Two roads diverged in a yellow wood ~Frost
Metaphors: She is the rose, the glory of the day. ~Spenser
Similes: How sharper than a serpent’s tooth it is to have a thankless child. ~Shakespeare
Alliteration: the Weeping willow whispered
Assonance: Boo flew to a new pool.

Try and experiment with these devices along with rhyme, rhythm, tone and mood and see what happens.

Posted by: AMETHYST Mar 3 08, 19:35

Hi Peggy.

I skimmed through the other posts and have to agree this is prose like. The problem so much isn't that it is prose, because the best novels or stories I have read often have so many poetic techniques used by the author that by the books end, it becomes a part of my own memory. In my opionion between prose and poetry, a poem should be able to use a few shorter lines to capture what a paragraph might, yet become active and striking in image. It should be pleasing to hear - and I think that is the difference between prose and poetry.

Your poem "Spring's Promise" is lovely. I do see many areas where creating a more active context and omitting extra words that would make the images more striking, as well as pleasing would eliminate the prose like verse.

I do not want to rerwrite your poem. However, I will take a few lines here or there and do an example to show you what ways come to my mind that would direct you into that mode.

Please use what is in line with what you want and discard anything else. Either way, I enjoyed the set up of a harsh winter and the peek in from spring...

Nicely done.

Best Regards, Liz ..

Using these two opening lines, here is my example -

This January
is whipping us
with it's wintry weather;


The adding of 'this' before January, gives the reader the impression that it has been colder, wetter and a harder winter than usual. (which then enhances the second stanza's introduction of Spring peeking in) ... I used the word 'whipping' in my example to add some movement and activity to the opening. The original 'January is a month of winter weather." To my ear, is a blunt statement that doesn't hook the reader right away. So, of course my words are merely an example, but there are thousands of ways for you to say this in a more active and striking way!





Suggest omitting 'for weeks' to me it is unnecessary. Perhaps consider furthering the 'image' of the biting rain ... against veiled faces, or maybe something that describes the feeling the ice like, biting rain feels against bare skin. Of course this is just some idea's to nibble on.




To help add a little movement here ... you might consider 'invades' instead of invaded - I would really think the word 'seeping' here would also add a lot in way of sounds and movement but also opens up a bounce from seeping to 'peeking in' (See suggestion in S2 final lines) I would suggest omitting 'front' because to the reader it doesn't matter what door, it would be a good way of keeping the focus on the chilled air coming in. This is also a good place to add a deeper image of the narrator snuggled and warmed by a hot water bottle for her feet.

An example:

Frigid air invades,
seeping through a crack
beneathe my door;
while I snuggle
in a downy womb
and warmed
by a hot-bottle
against my feet.

Of course, I am not suggesting this should be your revision - I am just offering ideas for your consideration.





I like the contrast between your part 1 and part II - Perhaps 'today turned different;'
I would suggest omitting 'beneath' in L5. A wonderful array of sounds here and many nicely done alliterative gifts left about. :)



I love what's going on here ... immediately I feel the warmth and hopefulness in the narrators voice. I would love to see the word 'peeking in' instead of 'has paid a visit' ...

example:
I thrust open the windows
inviting in a warm breeze,
Yes, Spring came peeking in,
a quick visit
like a welcome promise
of better days to come.


Well I hope I have left something of worth. Either way, I did enjoy the growth in this poem from a harsh winter to signs of a promising spring at it's feet. Great subject!!!!

Posted by: Peggy Carpenter Harwood Mar 4 08, 00:51

Hi Cleo,

Thanks so much for your opinion and for your helpful suggestions!!!

Peggy

Posted by: Peggy Carpenter Harwood Mar 4 08, 00:54

Hi Peterpan and Xanadu,

Thanks for your opinions and suggestions! I thought I already thanked you both, but my post must not have registered correctly with the system!

Peggy

Posted by: Peggy Carpenter Harwood Mar 4 08, 00:58

Hi Amethyst,

Thanks so much for taking the time to help me soften up and edit my poem! The suggestions are very helpful!!!

Peggy

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Mar 4 08, 06:49

Another idea to start is to try something like this for the opening (in blue):

January is a month
of winter weather.
Harsh winds
have blown biting rain
for weeks.

January blows in,
whipping whirlwind
tears around door-stoop's
daunted crevices.

Be back again!
~Cleo

Posted by: Psyche Mar 5 08, 18:47

Dear Peggy,

I've read other's competent critiques and agree with the possible changes. Of course, as Liz and Cleo say, it's your poem and you can work the revisions based on their examples, which should be highly useful for you. I always benefit from them!

I love 'cajoling birds to chirp'!

Your poem is lovely and I think all has been said, except one little suggestion I'll make now. Perhaps you could pick some different qualifiers here and there, since quite a few of the ones you've used are a bit clichè. That doesn't mean picking complicated vocabulary, but just considering substitutes. What do you think? Take or toss, as always!

I mean like 'biting winds', 'harsh winter', that sort of thing. Also the title, Spring's Promise. It's been used a lot, tho' I don't mean to disqualify it. I've thought of 'token', 'herald', 'presage', 'augury', dunno.....

It's getting near my bedtime in Buenos Aires, and it's a summer night!
Hugs and thanks for sharing,
Syl ***

Posted by: Xanadu Mar 17 08, 12:18

Hi Peggy!

Spring is a difficult theme to tangle with any originality, for anyone! You are doing a lovely job. However, I do agree that paring it down and spotlighting a succcinct image here and there would better capture the mood of the season.

Just my opinion. Good work!

Posted by: Psyche Mar 17 08, 13:23

No, no! I didn't write this lovely Spring poem. Peggy did, you've got a mix-up, Lindi dear!
Hugs, Sylvia-Psyche ***

Posted by: Xanadu Mar 17 08, 17:00

OOps!

dARN PAIN KILLERS!