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Posted by: Michelle Jul 25 10, 11:38

Reviving the Corps - (working title)


Revision #1 w/edit


A rancid undertone pollutes the breeze,
so subtle it eludes our busy noses.
The stench has grown by miniscule degrees
without our note, unless we’re smelling roses.

What rotting corpse corrupts and taints the air,
from north to south, from western coast to east,
from fruited rural vale to city square?
Our constituted freedoms are deceased.

Tin cups are beat to make a shackle cuff
and safety nets entrap domestic fish
for confiscated tax is not enough
to satisfy a socialistic wish.

America, wake up! It’s time to stand
for freedom’s torch is slipping from your hand.




Original


A rancid undertone pollutes the breeze,
so subtly alluding busy noses.
The stench has grown by minuscule degrees
without our note, unless we’re smelling roses.

What pungent body rots and taints the air,
from north to south, from western coast to east,
from fruited rural vale to city square?
Our epitome of freedom is deceased.

Tin cups are forged to make a shackle cuff
and safety nets can hold domestic fish.
No confiscating tax is quite enough
to satisfy a socialistic wish.

America, wake up! It's time to stand
for freedom's torch is passed into your hand.

Posted by: bombadil1247 Jul 25 10, 15:40

Hi, Michelle,

I doubt that we would ever agree politically, but we can set that aside for the sake of the craft.

Reviving the Corps

in line 2 above, 'alluding' should be 'eluding' but both have the wrong stressing to keep this iambic and you lose the extra syllable needed to agree with line 4. Not sure about 'busy noses' either - are you suggesting busy-bodies here? Were this mine, and it's not, I might have gone with something to develop 'undertone' and start to hint at the 'treason' implied; how about something like 'so subtly passing over loyal noses'?

in line 3, 'minuscule' should be 'miniscule'

Line 4's 'unless' is a bit weak since I suspect what you mean is that stuff under the bush. I think you can develop your argument by substituting 'too busy' here - hinting at false optimism.



'body' in line 5 is preparing us for line 8's 'deceased', I suppose - I might strengthen that image a little by using 'corpse' eg 'what rotting corpse corrupts and taints the air', that would also bring alliteration into your corner.

in line 8, 'epitome' has the wrong stressing and I find it less than convincing. Perhaps something like paragon/ champion or, if you really want to go for the jugular, 'Constituted' and pluralise 'freedom'.



This is a good stanza but line 10 doesn't really flow from line 9; perhaps something like 'and nets are cast to catch domestic fish'.



In a piece like this the couplet really has to be memorable and I feel the last image is too weak, perhaps 'falling from' rather than 'passed into'?

Yours to use or lose of course,
Jim

Posted by: Larry Jul 25 10, 17:17

Hi Michelle,

Had just a moment to peek in to MM and was stricken by the missuse of "Corps". Being an old Marine, I do hope you meant to write "Corpse" instead.

I don't have time for a thorough and concise critique but must intercede due to Jim's statement about L2's "alluding" usage. The context in which you have used this word is precisely correct. I believe you mean to infer there are nosey people around. I would put a comma after "subtly" though. I'll try to return before too long to check out the "mostly iambic" sonnet.

My main reason for this note is the usage of "Corps" in the title. Am I correct in my assumption that it was a mere spelling error?

Larry

Posted by: heartsong7 Jul 25 10, 19:32

Hi Michelle,
A brave topic and while I don't agree with the message, I applaud your effective delivery of it.
I too was confused as to whether you intend "corps" or "corpse"
Also as to "allude" I would have thought "elude" fits the intent as I understood it and I know there is often confusion between the two.
“Allude” and “elude” are frequently misused in place of each other, even though they’re about as different as broccoli and ice cream.

“Allude” means to refer to something in a casual or indirect way. Michelle alluded to my tardiness by glancing at her watch when I arrived. My wife alludes to her birthday a week in advance by leaving a Things-I-Want list on the refrigerator.

“Elude,” on the other hand, means to avoid or escape from by quickness or cunning. Justin eludes the police by hiding in a bush. I eluded the school bully—and a wedgie—by ducking behind the principal’s car.

Make sure to use these words correctly in your writing. Otherwise, picky agents and editors may try to elude you.

I think Jim has offered some good suggestions. I'll be very interested in others' takes on this one.
Welcome back!
Sue

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Jul 28 10, 07:44

Hi Michelle,

It's very good to read your work here again! Time flies! I see you are posting in this topic now so hope you'll see this!

I just wanted to welcome you back to MM.

I'll be back in a few days to offer a crit for you.

Cheers,
~Cleo

Posted by: Michelle Jul 28 10, 08:29

Thank you, Jim, for putting aside our political differences for the sake of the craft. I should have realized that poetry is 'liberal' arts. (smiling) I honestly didn't mean to be controversial. It has been years since I've written a poem. I was ecstatic to have finished this.

All of your comments have helped me. I've taken most of your suggestions:

I've changed alluding to elude. I've kept 'busy noses' for a couple of reasons. In these modern time, imo, we live busy lives, destrasting lives, too much stimuli. Also, imo, government is imposing itself more and more into our daily lives and I was hoping to connote this.

I changed minuscule to miniscule, but kept 'unless we're smelling noses' for the connotative value. I'm relying on the adage 'take time to smell the roses. When I slow down enough to think about life, there some thing that just feels wrong with America and in this case it 'smells wrong'.

I changed line 5 just as you've suggested. Thank you so much.

In line 8, 'constitued' is absolutely brilliant. Thank you again.

I couldn't do much with line 10 - the 'safety net' is important imo. It amazes what we, as people, will give up voluntarily for safety sake.

I've strengthened L14. Thank you again for your good advice.

I appreciate your time and effort with my poem. Your nobility and passion for poetry inspires me.

with greatest respect,

Michelle

Posted by: Michelle Jul 28 10, 08:52

Hi Larry, thank you for stopping in with your input. I went with 'elude' because it better fit my intention with this piece. As for the title, I picked it from three possibilities:

Reviving the Corpse - this was my first thought and plays well with the metophor of the poem.

Reviving the Corps - My first thought brought me to my second thought -with this title I'm refering to a group of American patriots, like our founding fathers, to rise again. Also, a leader repeatedly pronounced the word 'corps' as 'corpse' in a speech. I also thought I could get the reader to think 'corpse' by using 'corps' and thus get a two punch. Maybe I just look illiterate though. (smiling)

Reviving the Core - just a thought that I quickly decided against.

I'd love to know your opinion about title. I might just start from scratch and figure out something else altogether.

Thank you again Larry, I appreciate your thoughts.

my best,

Michelle

Posted by: Michelle Jul 28 10, 08:58

Hi Sue, it is SO good to write again. I missed it terribly. Thank you for stopping in to reply to my poem, even though we disagree on message. I appreciate the lesson. (smiling)

I've missed you and your great poetry. Hopefully, the words will flow for me again.

my best always,

Michelle

Posted by: Michelle Jul 28 10, 09:03

Hey Cleo,

thanks for the welcome. It has been a very long time since I was here or even writing. I'm not sure why, but I hope the ink continues to flow.

It feels really good to be here.

Thanks again,

Michelle

Posted by: heartsong7 Jul 29 10, 12:10

Michelle...
I think your revised couplet is stronger and that the use of "elude" clarifies the first lines. One small suggestion there:
A rancid undertone pollutes the breeze,
so subtle it eludes our busy noses.

Sue

Posted by: Michelle Jul 29 10, 22:08

Thanks for stopping in again Sue. I made the edit you suggested. Thank you for taking the time. I really appreciate it.

I might just try to write another poem. :)

Michelle