Printable Version of Topic

Posted by: heartsong7 Aug 19 07, 20:03

revision

Once Elvis Presley's cook compiled a book
of foods fit for the "King of Rock and Roll",
whose love of life and music filled his soul
as if he couldn't get enough. Just look
at favorites among the recipes
she served to suit his palate when he dined,
(including late night meals, when so inclined)
like buttermilk soaked cornbread, black-eyed peas
or that now famous, so outrageous snack
of peanut butter and bananas spread,
then fried on slabs of yeasty homemade bread.
He ate the way he sang--- no holding back!

We watched that kid from Tupelo grow big,
and rock his fans with soul they'd always dig.*

*was:
And though that kid from Tupelo grew big,
he never lost the soul we all could dig.


Fit for a King

Once Elvis Presley's cook compiled a book
of foods fit for the "King of Rock and Roll"
A love of life and music filled his soul
as if he couldn't get enough--- just look
at some of all the many recipes
she served to suit his palate when he dined,
(including late night meals, when so inclined)
like buttermilk soaked cornbread, black-eyed peas
or that now famous so outrageous snack,
of peanut butter and bananas spread
then fried on slabs of yeasty homemade bread.
He ate the way he sang--- no holding back!

And though that kid from Tupelo grew big,
he never lost the soul we all could dig.

Posted by: Michelle Aug 20 07, 00:00

Ahh Sue, this is so timely. Wasn't the aniversary of Elvis' death this weekend. I heard that on the radio last night on my way home from work. I love that you champion Elvis. I'm fed up (pun intended) of hearing people bash him because of his weight gain. Your poem is wonderful and refreshing. I've through it with a critical eye. Take or toss, as usual.

Once Elvis Presley's cook compiled a book
of foods fit for the "King of Rock and Roll" >>>period
A love of life and music filled his soul >>>whose soul? Elvis or the cook
as if he couldn't get enough--- just look
at some of all the many recipes >>>seems like filler in this line
she served to suit his palate when he dined,
(including late night meals, when so inclined)
like buttermilk soaked cornbread, black-eyed peas
or that now famous so outrageous snack,>>>I would put the comma after famous, not at the end
of peanut butter and bananas spread
then fried on slabs of yeasty homemade bread.>>>maybe ’she’ instead of ’then’
He ate the way he sang--- no holding back!

And though that kid from Tupelo grew big,
he never lost the soul we all could dig.


I'm trying to exercise my hypercritical muscles on this. This is a great poem, even if you leave it as is.


My best,

Michelle

Posted by: jgdittier Aug 20 07, 06:14

Dear Heartsong,
Elvis was an anathema for me. I thought him lewd initially. As times changed, so did my view as he proved to be a true talent. I also owed him a favor as he and my wife were born on
1/8/35 and I could remember his better than hers.
Cheers, Ron jgd

Posted by: Merlin Aug 20 07, 19:46

You cast a whole new light on Burger King, Sue!

Merlin

Posted by: heartsong7 Aug 21 07, 14:24

Hi Michelle,

yep.. Aug 17.
I appreciate your taking the time to lend a critical eye. I posted in a rush on a borrowed computer, so I'm really glad for the heads-up on punctuation and weak lines.
here:
Once Elvis Presley's cook compiled a book
of foods fit for the "King of Rock and Roll" >>>period
A love of life and music filled his soul >>>whose soul? Elvis or the cook
I thought that that sentance following "King of Rock and Roll" would indicate it references Elvis' soul.
Would this make that more clear?
"whose love of life and music filled his soul."

I agree that L5 is fillerish. Wonder if this would help:
"at favorites among the recipes"


yes...that's much better. TY


'then is a continuation of the description of the sandwich... maybe a comma after 'spread' would make that more clear?

Great nudges, Many thanks.
Sue

Posted by: Nada Lott Aug 21 07, 16:09

A fitting tribute, Sue. Glad you fixed L5 -- that was one of my two nits when I looked in this morning between forum down times. The other was the final line, which seems a little labored. If you agree, something like "he never lost the mojo fans could dig" might offer a starting point for a rewrite of your own.

Mary

Posted by: heartsong7 Aug 21 07, 19:09

Thank you for stopping by with your critiquing glasses on Mary
I see your point re: that last line and I haven't been altogether pleased with L13 either.
Thinking maybe:
"We watched that kid from Tupelo grow big,
and rock his fans with soul they'd always dig."
I always appreciate a nudge from you... and am tickled when one of my poems passes muster.
Sue

Posted by: heartsong7 Aug 21 07, 19:20

Hi Ron...

OHHH MY! I wouldn't be too quick to make her aware of that.
I'm glad to know your opinion of him was softened and you recognized his true talent. He was indeed one of a kind.
Sue


Hey Merlin...
I've heard that those who believe he's still alive report seeing him at a Burger King in Kalamazoo (sp?) Michigan... along with a flying pig from Cincinnati.
Sue

Posted by: Nada Lott Aug 23 07, 11:08

I like the new couplet, Sue. Good job.

-M.

Posted by: AMETHYST Aug 23 07, 11:38

Oh Sue you've made me hungry - very hungry, almost tasting that peanut butter and banana sandwich (never had it fried though and it sounds yummy) I am coming into this thread late, and cannot find anything to nit pick -but I need to tell you how wonderful this reads to me. How you've captured the hidden views of Elvis' down fall, in that to have such delights (unhealthy delights) at your beck and call whenever you want was his ultimate demise... I love how you've presented this with a nicely balanaced humor, not mocking but slightly with a lighthearted tone. It works wonders for me...


Hugs, Liz

Posted by: heartsong7 Aug 23 07, 13:58

thanks Mary, you pointed me in the right direction.
S

Hey Liz,

And how wonderfully you have captured my intent! Your enthusiasm and crit-abilities are a blessing to us all. Thank you, dear lady.
Sue

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Sep 3 07, 18:34

Hi Sue,

Seems I'm so late to the party these days, I can't find anything to nit! As always, your rhymes, lyrical rhythms and story shine. I like the new closing couplet more as well.

Did Elvis have a female chef who made a book (or is this make-believe)? Either way, I believe and please, pass me some of that spread for my wheat thins, will ya?

Enjoyed!
~Cleo

Posted by: heartsong7 Sep 5 07, 17:07

Thank you for the charming words of praise on this, Lori.
Yes, Elvis really had a lady who cooked for him who wrote a cook book she called "Fit for a King"
see here:
http://www.bellaonline.com/articles/art36042.asp
sue

Posted by: Nada Lott Sep 6 07, 22:41

Funny how a minor rearrangement can make a big difference. I like the revised couplet, Sue.

Mary