With Autumn round the corner, I have found this poem I wrote some years ago and decided to revise it.
I have revised St1 - one reason being that battements had only 2 syllables not 3
REVISION
Dance of the Crinkled Veils
Beneath a screen of stratus shade
she changes into citrus hues
as breezes fan and serenade
her; ballet pointes battements tendus.
Her rustling tutu riffles, swirls
chartreuse with russet layered hems;
soft flurries tousle chestnut curls
adorned with crimson clustered gems.
She sheds her veils in lento time
-- pianissimo they pirouette;
her vibrant beauty, still sublime,
enshrouds terrains a la georgette
Diminuendo: standing bare
she silhouettes the dreary skies.
Soon frost will crown bedraggled hair,
his spangled shawl around her thighs.
With lofty body proudly posed
her feet secured against each storm,
she wavers endless arms, exposed
‘til emerald ruffles dress her form.
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Original first stanza
Beneath a screen of stratus shade
she changes into citrus hues
as breezes fan and serenade
she battements in ballet shoes.
--------------------------------------------------
tweaked lines
his spangled shawl enwrap her thighs.
‘til emerald layers dress her form.
* Georgette is crinkled - so should I leave out crimped and replace with a colour - or something else??
-----------------------------------------------------------
ORIGINAL
Dance of the Crinkled Veils
The sun has left her in the shade
to weave and twirl in ballet shoes;
while Autumn plays its serenade
she changes into citrus hues.
Her rustling veils of russet swirl
with tangerine embroidered hems;
soft breezes tousle chestnut curls
adorned with clustered crimson gems.
She slowly sheds her crinkled veils;
they pirouette without a sound.
Then vibrant loveliness prevails,
embellishing the naked ground.
The music slows until she’s bare,
her outline stark against the skies,
as frost imparts his gift with flair --
a spangled throw to swathe her thighs.
Her sable body’s proudly posed
abiding firm against each storm,
while swaying arms remain exposed
‘til buds of green enrobe her form.
Hi, Snow,
a tulip striptease? Very nicely done too. I have one little question on S4 tenses.
Hi Snow,
I think this is a lovely autumn veil dance with the nobility of the Waltz of the Flowers Very very lovely. I don't know much about ballet, but that didn't stop me from enjoying your poem.
I found nothing to nick-pick.
My favorite:
Her rustling tutu riffles, swirls
chartreuse with russet layered hems;
soft flurries tousle chestnut curls
adorned with crimson clustered gems.
I think it is kind of magestic - this just flows perfectly to me.
Your revision skills are excellent. I thought the original was very good, but the revision is like a masterpiece.
much enjoyed,
Michelle
my best
Hi Jim
Your observations have been most helpful.
'enwraps' in L4 -- I kept changing from enwrap to enwraps and couldn't make up my mind which to go with. Your comment has helped me decide it should be 'enwrap'
'a la georgette' - yes I do like this! It adds a bit of originality and I shall change it now.
Your thoughts are much appreciated.
Snow
Hi Michelle
Thank you for your kind words. At first, I only intended to tweak a few lines in the original, but my revision head soon took over. LOL! This poem has been revised a number of times - I hope this is the final one!
Good to see you
Snow
ALmost missed this one Snow!
Lovely. So very lovely. Great capturing title as well. You masterfully created a musically sound poem, that adds such detail and imagery with movement. I am impressed at such a wonderful poem.
I don't have any offerings for this, only because there isn't anything left to offer. It is beautiful.
Big Hugs, Liz
Thanks Liz
This is about te 5th revision - and the last! LOL!
Hugs Snow
Eisa! Beautiful poem.
I always get to them after they are revised~
I loved these lines:
Diminuendo: standing bare
she silhouettes the dreary skies.
Soon frost will crown bedraggled hair,
his spangled shawl enwrap her thighs.
Beautiful flow to the whole thing ;-)
K
Thanks Karen
I'm glad this worked for you!
Snow
Hi Snow,
I wanted to stop in and wish you and this lovely poem best of luck atthe IBPC!
I have just one teensy nit and it's here in the opening:
Beneath a screen of stratus shade
she changes into citrus hues
as breezes fan and serenade
she battements in ballet shoes.
I feel as though this is a bit of a run-on, and at first glance thought a comma should be inserted after the word hues. But then I saw something more as the change is happening while the breezes are being fanned, correct? So, I was struggling with how to avoid that second 'she' in L4? Perhaps something to pause after serenade - maybe something like 'as breezes fan and serenade her batterments: in ballet shoes'?
This was a lovely read!
~Cleo
I just thought of something else for you to consider instead - what abut reversing the lines so you'd have this:
As breezes fan and serenade
she battements in ballet shoes
beneath a screen of stratus shade
which changes into citrus hues. I know L4 would need a little work...
Yeah - I see where you are coming from. Food for thought! We just had 14 turkeys roaming my backyard just now, lol and I took some photos.
There's still time - I don't send the entries until the 1st of each month.
HUGS
~Cleo
Oh Lori - 14 turkeys! you'll be ok for Xmas dinner LOL!
I'm glad I have a few more days as I have found another problem ... battements is pronounced with 2 syllables - not 3. (batt/mon) -- so it's out for that line!
I have 2 alternative at the moment:
Beneath a screen of stratus shade
she changes into citrus hues
as breezes fan and serenade
her dance begins in ballet shoes.
(which is a bit of a let down after using battement)
or
Beneath a screen of stratus shade
she changes into citrus hue
as breezes fan and serenade
her ballet starts glissard dessous.
I'll use this for now -- but I'm still thinking and open to further suggestions.
Hugs
Snow
OK - what is glissard dessous?
I think it's supposed to be "glissade dessous"?
Ask.com:
Glissade
[glee-SAD]
Glide. A traveling step executed by gliding the working foot from the fifth position in the required direction, the other foot closing to it. Glissade is a terre à terre step and is used to link other steps. After a demi-plié in the fifth position the working foot glides along the floor to a strong point a few inches from the floor. The other foot then pushes away from the floor so that both knees are straight and both feet strongly pointed for a moment; then the weight is shifted to the working foot with a fondu. The other foot, which is pointed a few inches from the floor, slides into the fifth position in demi-plié. When a glissade is used as an auxiliary step for small or big jumps, it is done with a quick movement on the upbeat. Glissades are done with or without change of feet, and all begin and end with a demi-plié. There are six glissades: devant, derrière, dessous, dessus, en avant, en arrière, the difference between them depending on the starting and finishing positions as well as the direction. Glissade may also be done sur les pointes.
Perhaps this slight tweak might work since this isn't a starting move:
Beneath a screen of stratus shade
she changes into citrus hues
as breezes fan and serenade
her -- ballet points glissade dessous.
Hi Lori
Glissard was a typo - I did actually mean glissade. (comes from revising late at night!)
I got my info from Wikipedia Glossary of Ballet.
Dessous
Literally "under". Used where the front leg is brought to the back, in techniques such as the assemblé, pas de bourrée, and glissade.
Glissade
Literally, to glide. This is a traveling step starting in fifth position with demi-plié: the front foot moves out to a point, both legs briefly straighten as weight is shifted onto the pointed foot, and the other foot moves in to meet the first. A glissade can be en avant, en arrière, dessous, and dessus; start in fifth position plie, push off back foot moving the front foot forward and bringing the back foot that you pushed off on in the front landing in fifth position.
I really wanted to find a ballet term after dismissing battement and the only other one I could find to fit in the rhyme was
Sous-sus, Sus-sous which was a bit repetitive.
I think your suggestion works quite well, Lori and I'll change it to that in my revision. With pointes, spelled with an e (are you agreed?) I can't think of any thing else right now.
Thanks
Snow
Hi, Snow,
just popping in briefly. Congrats on the nomination. I've posted a link to a site which may help with the 'battements' issue - look at the reference to 'battements tendus'. I think you could rewrite that line to 'she shows off her (or 'practices') battements tendus'.
Jim
http://www.artofballet.com/class2.html
Hi Jim
We're both on the same wave length - that's why I called back quickly as I feel it does hint that the breeze is practising.
I'm afraid now that I've started pronouncing battements with 2 syllables - I can't think of it with 3 any more
Perhaps I could go with Lori's suggestion after all --
as breezes fan and serenade
her - ballet pointes battements tendus.
or as breezes fan and serenade
her, while she pointes battements tendus
but then I would be adding the she back which I wanted to get rid of.
I'm also making a slight change to the last stanza, as I feel 'her' follows too closely to 'her' in the stanza before
With lofty body proudly posed
her feet secured against each storm,
she wavers, endless arms exposed
‘til emerald ruffles dress her form.
I think that sounds ok?
If you should return today, I'd appreciate your view on Lori's suggestion, which I think I'll go with. I can't get back to this until tonight as my son is here for the day ... but I'm still considering any possibility.
Phew! I have until tomorrow!
Hi Lori
When you come back please follow convesations between Jim & myself to see where my mind is. LOL! I've definitely decided to go with battements tendus (at the moment)
What time are you sending them off tomorrow? LOL! I've never been so last minute! HELP!
Snow
Hi Snow - I like the current revision as is:
as breezes fan and serenade
her - ballet pointes battements tendus
I say go with it!
~Cleo
Fabulous!
I have updated the file and will be sending it on tomorrow after work so if you make any more changes, please let me know.
Good luck!!!!
~Cleo
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