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Posted by: Eisa May 5 08, 15:33

I didn't get any comments on the final tweaking of this - so any thoughts?

Revision 3 [18.06.08]

Escape from Routine

Scents of seaweed candles mingle
with grilling fish fingers;
I drift away …

The hushed breeze
brushes my face
as heat haze shimmers.
Wafts of tasty barbecue plaice
spice the salty air.

I glance at seaside pictures
pinned to my memo board.

Pasty bodies recline on
boldly striped beach chairs
or sand spattered towels,
basted and ready to roast,

Distant boat sails tilt;
people crowd the blue, bobbing,
its undulating hum broken
by seagull’s chuckling uk uk uk.

Drumming a constant rhythm,
the washer tumbles dolphin decked towels
with blue and red-spotted swimwear.

On top a Disney bucket holds seaweed
for grandma’s aching feet.

We criss-cross dunes, exploring,
sand scratches between toes;
shells and pebbles collected
in a Mickey Mouse bucket.

Swollen feet cool,
treading seaweed carpets;
I giggle as tiddler’s fins tickle my toes.
Soaking up the ambiance
… I float back to children’s whispers,

making shell pictures for grandparents,
pebble paper weights are painted
for friend’s Christmas presents.

I smell fish fingers - almost burning!
“Tea’s ready kids.”

--------------------------------



Revision Two 2.06.08
Thanks Lori for the tweaks!

Escape from Routine

Scents of seaweed candles
mingle with grilling fish fingers;
I drift away …

The hushed breeze
brushes my face
as heat haze shimmers.
Wafts of tasty barbecue plaice
spice the salty air.

Pasty bodies recline on
boldly striped beach chairs
or sand spattered towels,
basted and ready to roast,

Distant boat sails tilt;
people crowd the blue, bobbing,
its undulating hum broken
by seagull’s chuckling uk uk uk.

Drumming a constant rhythm,
the washer tumbles dolphin decked towels
with blue and red-spotted swimwear.

We criss-cross dunes, exploring,
sand scratches between toes;
shells and pebbles collected
in a Mickey Mouse bucket.

Swollen feet cool,
treading seaweed carpets;
I giggle as tiddler’s fins tickle my toes.
Soaking up the ambiance
… I float back to children’s whispers,

making shell pictures for grandparents,
pebble paper weights are painted
for friend’s Christmas presents.


“Tea’s nearly ready kids.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Revision One 31.05.08

Escape from Routine

Scents of seaweed candles
mingle with grilling fish fingers;
I drift away …

The hushed breeze brushes my face
as heat haze shimmers.
Wafts of tasty barbecuing plaice,
spice the salty air.

Basted, ready to roast,
pasty bodies recline on
boldly striped beach chairs
or sand spattered towels

Distant boat sails tilt;
people crowd the blue, bobbing,
its undulating hum broken
by seagull’s chuckling uk uk uk.

Drumming a constant rhythm,
the washer tumbles dolphin decked
towels with blue and red-spotted swimwear.

We criss-cross dunes, exploring,
sand scratching between toes;
shells and pebbles collected
in a Mickey Mouse bucket.

Swollen feet cool, treading
seaweed carpets; I giggle as
tiddler’s fins tickle my toes.
Soaking up the ambiance
… I float back to children’s whispers,

making shell pictures for Grandparents
pebble paper weights are painted
for friends Christmas presents.

“Tea’s nearly ready kids”


-------------------------------------------

I don't think I've posted this on MM before. It's had quite a bit of revision, but I'd like to see if you can suggest any improvements.
Thanks!



Escape from Routine

The bay shimmers in a heat-haze;
a breeze barely murmurs.
Air is tinged with aromas of seaweed
and wafts of fish from café grills.

Dolphin decorated towels
are scattered between beach-chairs,
as lotion is spread to roast
virgin white bodies.

People crowd the ocean, bobbing;
vivid boat sails tilt.
The sea hums in undulation
to children’s excited squeals
that harmonize seagulls screeches.

I become a barefoot explorer,
gritty sand between my toes,
criss-crossing dunes,
collecting shells and pebbles
in a plastic bucket.

As the tide gushes froth
across scorching sand,
I tread on sea-grass and giggle,
as tiddler’s fins tickle toes.
I soak in the ambiance,
before the journey home.

The washer hums its constant rhythm
to children’s whispers,
while they make shell pictures
and paint pebble paper weights
for Christmas presents.

Reminiscing, I smile softly
as the aroma of fish fingers cooking
mingles with sea-weed candles.

Posted by: Melody Dancer May 6 08, 20:25

Escape from Routine

The bay shimmers in a heat-haze;
a breeze barely murmurs. what about "the breeze barely murmurs"
Air is tinged with aromas of seaweed
and wafts of fish from café grills.

Dolphin decorated towels
are scattered between beach-chairs,
as lotion is spread to roast
virgin white bodies.

People crowd the ocean, bobbing;
vivid boat sails tilt.
The sea hums in undulation
to children’s excited squeals
that harmonize "with"? seagulls screeches.

I become a barefoot explorer,
gritty sand between my toes,
criss-crossing dunes,
collecting shells and pebbles
in a plastic bucket.

As the tide gushes froth not sure about gushes...
across scorching sand,
I tread on sea-grass and giggle,
as tiddler’s fins tickle toes.
I soak in the ambiance,
before the journey home.

The washer hums its constant rhythm
to children’s whispers,
while they make shell pictures
and paint pebble paper weights
for Christmas presents.

Reminiscing, I smile softly
as the aroma of fish fingers cooking
mingles with sea-weed candles.

Great imagery, you had me smelling the seaweed and fish'n'chips...

Posted by: Eisa May 8 08, 17:45

Hi melody - you've mentioned some good points here - I'll come back tomorrow & think about them.

Thanks
Eira

Posted by: Xanadu May 9 08, 10:18

Nice job Eisa. I would love to see you condense the scene somewhat. I got a little confused toward the end when I realized this was a memory. That was not clear at the outset of the poem. Perhaps you might consider flashbacks throughout, possibly even some dialog?

Posted by: Eisa May 11 08, 19:00

Hi Linda - thanks for your comments as they've really got me thinking!

Posted by: saore May 19 08, 12:29

Hi, I hope you don't mind:

there is only one minor thing I would change in the poem:

I become a barefoot explorer,
gritty sand between my toes,
criss-crossing dunes,
collecting shells and pebbles
in a [plastic] bucket. < I would use some other descriptor, perhaps toy... something to connect the bucket to the children.

Mmm the beach it is about time for me to take a trip to the beach. Your poem has had an effect.

Sergio

Posted by: Eisa May 21 08, 19:05

Hi Sergio

Thank you for your suggestion. Yes, I've never been too keen on 'plastic bucket' either - I'll think of an alternative.

Snow

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis May 22 08, 05:34

HI Snow,

Nope, I don't believe this one has ever been posted before here.

YOu've got fantastic imagery here - do you have an image you'd like to add as well?

Just popping in to say "hello" and let you know I'll be back within the next few days.

Cheers,
~Cleo

Posted by: Eisa May 23 08, 18:03

Hi Lori - this one started off as R&M but evolved into FV (It's usually the other way round with me! LOL!)
I don't have an image - other than the one in my head!

I look forward to hearing your suggestions - I'm not sure which way to take this at the moment. I rather like Linda's ideas & will perhaps start off with the ending. This is simmering on the back burner at the moment until I decide (I'm working on another oldie that I don't think I've posted here before - watch this space LOL!)

Snow

Posted by: AMETHYST May 25 08, 17:55

Hi Snow,

I don't remember this either, but then again, I recently read several of my own that I don't recall! LOL - There is some very strong images and I do like Linda's suggestion on beginning with the final stanza. You've created some amazing points of pleasing sounds that enhance the message and imagery. I especially like the coupling of 'heat-haze' that was like butter off my tongue.

Some further thoughts and comments to follow. I will surely keep my eye on this one...

Hugs, Liz

Love the title.



L2, I felt that the word 'murmurs' could be enhanced with a substitute. Perhaps - something that gives a 'whisper' feeling.
L3, perhaps Air tinged with aromas of seaweed. Or perhaps adding a stronger detail like 'salty' - or perhaps brisk or is this spring, summer - this might be nice point to add a little scenery
L4, omit 'and' before wafts

Would look like -

The bay shimmers in a heat-haze;
as a breeze barely whispers.
Salty air is tinged with aromas of seaweed
wafts of fish from cafe' grills.



The image of dolphin decorated towels feels a little tellish for me or perhaps feels forced for alliterative sake. Perhaps something like sand strewn decorated towels are scattered. Perhaps something that adds motion to the imagery...

Sand strewn towels,
dolphin decorated
scattered about beach-chairs,
baring virgin white bodies
bathed in lotion and ready to roast.

This of course is nothing as good as you might come up with but hopefully it isn't too silly that it doesn't make sense. Old age is creeping in on me! LOL



I would suggest to place after 'ocean' to view

People crowd the ocean to view
a bobbing; vivid boat sails tilt.
The sea strums an undulated hum
in harmony of children's excited squeals -
accompanied by seagulls screeches.



Perhaps bringing 'collecting' to end L3
I have nothing else to offer this is a lovely, straight forward and full moving stanza.



I like the way the images of the scene come into play as the narrator steps into view. Nicely done. The only small suggestion I might make is ...

I tread on sea-grass, giggle
as tiddler's fins tickle my toes
and soak in the ambiance
before the journey home.



Awwww ... what an awesome twist for the reader... LOVE IT!

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis May 28 08, 19:59

Hi Snow,

You've painted a wonderful scene of a day at the beach, with all the sensory teasers that go with this memory imprint. I have enjoyed the journey, your ecapre from routine is mine now too (yay), and feel that you might be able to further pull the reader in by telling us less and showing us more. You have used alot of 'the's and I'd like to see you add more action words or descriptions to compliment the nouns, e.g. sultry sea, balmy bay, flirty fish etc. so that we read into them as though they were also characters playing their part in this scene.

I look forward to your thoughts. As always, take or toss my suggestions as you wish.
Enjoyed,
~Cleo


The bay shimmers in a heat-haze;
a breeze barely murmurs.
Air is tinged with aromas of seaweed
and wafts of fish from café grills.
Nice opening. Can you elaborate on the bay – its color or location, perhaps deleting ‘The’ and replacing it with a different descriptor for this ‘bay’ e.g. balmy bay. What kind of breeze – can you make it ‘come to life’ further? I wonder if you might consider swapping the ‘smells’ a bit more mysteriously for the reader? Something like: Seaweed flirts with fish (or a specific kind), spicing the café grill.

Dolphin decorated towels
are scattered between beach-chairs,
as lotion is spread to roast
virgin white bodies.
Can you swap the ‘are scattered between’ to make the scene come to life more? Perhaps something like: Lotion-smeared virgin whities baste between flirting beach chairs and dolphin decked towels.

People crowd the ocean, bobbing; (perhaps ‘the blue’ instead of saying ‘the ocean’?)
vivid boat sails tilt.
The sea hums in undulation (can you elaborate on this sea? Is it sultry?)
to children’s excited squeals
that harmonize seagulls screeches. add apostrophe to seagulls

I become a barefoot explorer,
gritty sand between my toes,
criss-crossing dunes,
collecting shells and pebbles
in a plastic bucket.

As the tide gushes froth
across scorching sand, (is it scorching or scorched?)
I tread on sea-grass and giggle, (sea-grass lifts me, we giggle as alternate)
as tiddler’s fins tickle toes.
I soak in the ambiance, (I soak up this ambiance – no comma)
before the journey home.

The washer hums its constant rhythm (can you rephrase this, again, replace ‘the’?)
to children’s whispers,
while they make shell pictures
and paint pebble paper weights
for Christmas presents.

Reminiscing, I smile softly
as the aroma of fish fingers {cooking} [on the grill]
mingles with sea-weed [scented] candles.
(If you revise any of the previous lines that I alluded to with aroma and seaweed, perhaps you could repeat those phrases again here at the end to tie the two together further?) Another way to say this might be as follows:

I smile softly
as the aromas of fish fingers
grilling, mingle with seaweed scented candles
that carry me back to those sultry seas.

Posted by: Eisa May 31 08, 18:10

Hi Liz - I may have posted this in 911, but it was written in R&M in those days and came under a different title - I don't remember what! LOL!

It is so good to have your suggestions - they've got my muse going again, as this was on the back burner and I couldn't get into it somehow.

I have revised and written it in quite a different way - let me know what you think!

Hugs Snow

Posted by: Eisa May 31 08, 18:14

Hi Lori

Thank you for your inspiring suggestions which helped me get this one off the back burner. I've written a revision in a different way to the original. Let me know what you think.

Hugs
Snow

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Jun 1 08, 17:25

Hi Snow.

In a word: WOW!

What a great revision! You've really put me in the scene with you even more than the original! I really think the change to your opening signals that feeling of reminiscence much more clearly now, yay!
Let's see if there's anything further to nibble on...


Scents of seaweed candles
mingle with grilling fish fingers;
I drift away …
Much better way to set the scene for us!

The hushed breeze brushes my face (suggest moving bolded words down to their own line)
as heat haze shimmers.
Wafts of tasty barbecuing plaice, (suggest a change to 'barbeque', no comma needed also)
spice the salty air. YUM!!
It would look like this:
The hushed breeze
brushes my face
as heat haze shimmers.
Wafts of tasty barbeque plaice
spice the salty air.

Basted, ready to roast,
pasty bodies recline on
boldly striped beach chairs
or sand spattered towels (add endstop here)
Another alternate would be as follows;
Pasty bodies recline on
boldly striped beach chairs
or sand spattered towels,
basted and ready to roast.

Distant boat sails tilt;
people crowd the blue, bobbing,
its undulating hum broken
by seagull’s chuckling uk uk uk.
Very nice! Like 'the blue' and the seagull's chants,adds movement and sound!

Drumming a constant rhythm,
the washer tumbles dolphin decked
towels with blue and red-spotted swimwear. Suggest moving towels up a line.

We criss-cross dunes, exploring,
sand scratching between toes; (suggest change to 'scratches')
shells and pebbles collected
in a Mickey Mouse bucket.

Swollen feet cool, treading
seaweed carpets; I giggle as
tiddler’s fins tickle my toes.
Soaking up the ambiance
… I float back to children’s whispers,
Suggest a slight change to line layout as follows;
Swollen feet cool,
treading seaweed carpets;
I giggle as tiddler’s fins tickle my toes.
Soaking up the ambiance
… I float back to children’s whispers,

making shell pictures for Grandparents (Don't think you need to capitalize here? Add a comma)
pebble paper weights are painted
for friends Christmas presents. (Add apostrophe to friend's)

“Tea’s nearly ready kids” Great ending! Just add the endstop after kids.

Luv it Snow!
~Cleo

Posted by: Eisa Jun 2 08, 17:30

Hi Lori - I am so pleased you like the changes - and your suggestions are great - I'm off to change them now!

Hugs
Snow

Posted by: AMETHYST Jun 2 08, 18:31

OH MAN Snow Do I love the way you've revised this. The drawing of the narrator's reminiscing into the present moment is done with skill. I also liked how the new beginning is so active now, catching the reader with a sense of life in motion.

The new descriptions are done well too -

I will take a little more time to compare the drafts and come back with some further feedback. Looking forward to seeing this finalized, you've already done an applaudable job getting it to talk the talk ...

Hugs, Liz

Posted by: Eisa Jun 3 08, 03:34

O wow Liz!! - Thank you!

I look forward to any feedback you can give.

Hugs
Snow

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Jun 4 08, 19:33

FANTASTIC Snow!

Luv it!

~Cleo

Posted by: Xanadu Jun 5 08, 10:26

This is looking better and better. Still a little loose though. Perhaps an occasional (one or two) reminds you of phrase to connect the past with the present?
The last line seems to come on a little too strong. I understand it is used to break the reverie. However, I would love to see the amber tea and hear the ice crack beneath of warm fresh brew.

Posted by: Eisa Jun 18 08, 17:24

Hi Linda ...

... yes I did wonder about some more reminiscences, but found it difficult not to overdo it. I have included some more in revision 3.

By the way - the tea I mention at the end wasn't a 'cup of tea' but the children's meal of fish fingers. (bringing the poem back to the beginning) I have changed the ending slightly, hoping it gives a bit more action. let me know what you think.

Thanks for your thought provoking ideas.

Snow

Posted by: Eisa Apr 25 10, 18:59

As I had no feedback on the final tweaking of this I would appreciate any thoughts

Snow

Posted by: Psyche May 2 10, 23:59

Hi Eisa!

It's the first time I've seen this poem, so I need to think about it a little. You've had so many helpful suggestions and even made 2 revs, that I'm sure to crit somebody else's useful pointers without realising.

Perhaps I better return and not read the whole thread, just nit here & there hoping nobody takes offense! I see that the comments ended in 2008..

That said, it's a beautiful piece and I love the way you've alternated between past & present, even tho' the narrator finds it hard not to reminisce and needs to be shaken back to reality.

Congrats, I'll be back asap.
Syl***

Posted by: Eisa May 3 10, 05:35

Hi Syl

It's so good to see you here. Yes, this was completed in 2008 and I thought I'd done the final revision when someone suggested it needed a few more reminiscences - which I did. But then no one commented on the final tweaking, so I thought I'd like some opinions, before I can say 'Finished! LOL!

I'd be glad to hear your thoughts.

Snow