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Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews _ ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 _ CODE ORANGE

Posted by: Xanadu Dec 8 07, 11:13

Warning!

It`s a heads up.

Stepping to the back door
I begin surveillance -
fields -
ponds -
garden.

Scan that copse of maples
marking our boundary.
Fahid`s place.
Saw his big new truck
backed up to the barn
all day Monday.

Wonder what he`s up to?

I hit the front window.
Driveways clear.
Look up.
Nothing but grackles.
Dirty, suspicious birds.
Never did like them.

Freshen my coffee -
rush back to CNN.
Wolfe is at the door.

Code Red now!

I jump to my larder,
make a quick check
Soup -
buckshot -
bandades.

All set.

Think I can hold out
when push comes to shove,
in Iowa.

Posted by: ohsteve Dec 13 07, 16:06

Linda... this read ok, but I am afraid that I didn't get the reference you were hinting at..,. was it hunting?
Steve

Posted by: Xanadu Dec 13 07, 16:10

Oh...Steve!

You know....our just about useless terrorists warning system?!

Posted by: ohsteve Dec 14 07, 08:17

Linda... ah ha...ok makes sense now....
Steve

Posted by: Psyche Jan 8 08, 16:49

Hi Linda!
I got your meaning, as well as the irony of it all. Tragicomic, isn't it? And so sad, that it's best to write poetry than to stock up on essentials...
Use or lose, Linda:

QUOTE (Xanadu @ Dec 8 07, 18:13 ) [snapback]105056[/snapback]

Warning!

It`s a heads up.

Stepping to the back door
I begin surveillance -
fields -
ponds -
garden.

Scan that copse of maples
marking our boundary.
Fahid`s place.
Saw his big new truck
backed up to the barn
all day Monday.

Wonder what he`s up to? No nits so far!

I hit the front window.
Driveways clear.
Look up.
Nothing but grackles.
Dirty, suspicious birds.
Never did like them. Brilliant!

Freshen my coffee -
rush back to CNN.
Wolfe is at the door. Does 'Wolfe' have double-meaning? Who is Wolfe?

Code Red now!

I jump to my larder,
make a quick check
Soup -
buckshot -
bandades. I think it's 'Bandaids'
All set.

Think I can hold out
when push comes to shove, I don't get 'push comes to shove'... guess I'm dim with the 40ºC we're sweating out in Buenos Aires today...sorry!!!

in Iowa.

I like your poem very much, in spite of the horrid realities behind your light verse. But what else can one do, in Iowa or in Buenos Aires? We've had lots of terrorism here, too.
Thanks for the read, Linda!
Hugs, Sylvia ***

Posted by: Xanadu Jan 9 08, 13:14

Thank you for the read Sylvia

Wolfe...refers to Wole Blitzer, CNN. He keeps us all in fear of our lives like a good reporter should.

Push comes to shove, is an old saying referring to a suspected altercation. A colloquialism.

My spell check did not come up with Bandaides. Believe it or not, it wasn`t even written on the box I have stowed in the bathroom! LOL

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Jan 20 08, 16:45

Hello Linda,

I enjoyed your poem despite the tragic topic at hand. If you really want to grab the reader, I urge you to consider possinly changing the title and adding more emotion in your character's reactions to get prepared for an attack, IMHO. I really think this poem has more promise if a few more emotional strings were pulled. I'm not certain if you planned to keep this one 'light', but wanted to throw the possibilty out there.

Please see my comments below...

Warning!

It`s a heads up. (I do not feel this line is necessary as it’s redundant to the opening)

Stepping to the back door
I begin surveillance - (change to semi-colon or colon)
fields -
ponds -
garden.

Scan that copse of maples (Add the ‘I’ to the beginning)
marking our boundary.
Fahid`s place.
Saw his big new truck
backed up to the barn
all day Monday.

Wonder what he’s up to? (Perhaps put this in italics?)

I hit the front window.
Driveways clear. (Do you mean the driveway is clear, if so, add the apostrophe there)
Look up.
Nothing but grackles.
Dirty, suspicious birds.
Never did like them.
This stanza is confusing as I’m uncertain where the narrator is, is she/he outside in the yard? In the previous stanza, he/she is at the back door, and now s/he hits the front window? This is an inconsistency that can be easily corrected. Also, I wonder if you might elaborate on why this sudden reaction? Is there a significance to these birds? Maybe you can foreshadow a bit in your opening?

Freshen my coffee (Add the ‘I’ to the beginning and add a comma to end of line)
rush back to CNN.
Wolfe is at the door. (Who is Wolfe?)

Code Red now! (Why is it a code red now, something to do with Wolfe? Perhaps put this in italics?)

I jump to my larder,
make a quick check (add a colon or semi-colon)
Soup - (Don’t need to capitalize)
buckshot -
bandades.

All set. (Perhaps put this in italics?)

Think I can hold out
when push comes to shove, (Comma not necessary here)
in Iowa.
I understand the preparations here for war, but I think it would be helpful to add something specific about it, maybe if Wolfe is a soldier, you could state his rank – like Private Wolfe is at the door? And then a a few more words at the end after L2, perhaps an L3 about the terrorist warning system?

Overall, I like this poem, you might consider making the reactions the MC takes more dramatic in some way to stress the panic and urgency of a pending attack on her/his soil, just a thought to ponder…

Cheers,
~Cleo

Posted by: Xanadu Jan 20 08, 17:25

Thank you for the read and comments Cleo.

I will implement your suggestions over the next few days. I am having problems with my computer. So, if I do not get back to it right away it is because I am sitting in front of a blank screen with tears streaming down my face. LOL

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Jan 20 08, 18:09

I look forward to seeing any revisions you may make.

I HATE the white screen syndrome, hope it gets resolved soon!

Cheers
~Cleo