Printable Version of Topic

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Dec 5 04, 10:19

Hi all.  

I've just created this new poetic form today. I am dubbing it Trois-par-Huit (Three-by-Eight or Octa-Tri). It  is a poem containing 8 lines, displayed visually with three stanzas of either tercet, tercet, couplet  (3, 3, 2) OR tercet, couplet, tercet (3, 2, 3) as follows;


1. The title is also the final line.

The line length requirements:
Line 1 ~ 3 syllables
Line 2 ~ 6 syllables
Line 3 ~ 9 syllables

Lines 4 & 5 ~ 12 syllables

Line 6 ~ 9 syllables
Line 7 ~ 6 syllables
Line 8 ~ 3 syllables (is the title and summarizes the meaning of the poem)

The rhyme scheme requirements:
Line 1. A
Line 2. A
Line 3. B
Line 4. B
Line 5. B
Line 6. C
Line 7. C
Line 8. C

Give it a try!


~Cleo  

UPDATE: Daniel has dubbed the form: Trois-par-Huit (Three-by-Eight) and I've just changed the stanza alignment to 3/2/3 as well....

Posted by: JustDaniel Dec 6 04, 00:33

Dear Cleo:

I love your significant variation of a Huitain, and this specific piece is sparkling!  I'd only suggest a semi-colon after 'gold' or capitalizing 'Wrapped' -- to avoid a run-on.

May I please offer a suggestion for a name for this new form, since I think that yours is somewhat misleading...

Since trimeter in poetry specifically refers to meter (three feet per line)...

and since Huitain is a French verse-form coming from the 15th and early 16th Centuries - an eight-line stanza with 8 or 10 syllables in each line, often iambic. Very similar to yours, it was written with three rhymes, but one utilized four times, and there were a number of rhyme schemes, like ababbcbc and abbaacac, and Un huitain enlace, or an enclosed huitain which had a rhyme scheme of aabaabcc...

and since you vary from the typical iambic feet, I'd suggest you call your Huitain variation something like: "Trois-par-Huit" or "Three-by-Eight"

respecting your Light, Daniel  

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Dec 6 04, 04:44

Hello Daniel!  

That is an excellent suggestion for the name of this new form! I will use it ~ thankies so much!

Will edit the title of this thread now....

Your addition is TRULY
"one sweet
Trois-par-Huit"
       

Thanks so much!
~Cleo  

Posted by: Jox Dec 6 04, 07:29

Ref: MB !-204 AB
Copyright.
To all - NB The syllable count works for me - but I pronounce things strangely. If you're not happy I'll set the bugs on you.

Hi Lori, Daniel (Thanks Daniel!) et al...

http://www.bbc.co.uk/cult/ilove/tv/quatermass/

The invaders' embryos were stuck deep under London streets in their UFO - which escaped detection when crashing through the pavements because it was thought to be a ear-time bomb. (I hope I have that right!). The snow is my addition. The key to the Quatermass sci-fi is that these aliens are actually a different thread from our ancestors who developed differently. They look like ants but might even be our uncles. Wwwwhhhoooo...

Prof Bernard Quatermass and his discoveries gripped Britain's new tv audience of the 1950s/60s. The link, above has clips and lots of Quatermass junkie stuff.

This was terrible to post - the words kept eeriely disappearing. What you see is actually a picture-link to my web site. But I'll try posting again direct via text on ikonboard (where this was created).

James.

Posted by: JustDaniel Dec 6 04, 07:52

Whew!  

I'm so pleased that you took my suggestion, LorII... since I had already introduced it in my one-form-per-day (30 day) challnge in Poetic Voices!    I did, however, simply indicate that the title was under review.  Now I can just say that's what it is!

Here's another one for you:

P.S.  I see before I even posted this, you'd posted yours while I was editing, James!  I'm not much of a science fiction reader, so I suppose you'll fill us all in on your UK phenom, the Quatermass.

Nice tight piece with neat variation of including the title at both beginning and end.

deLightingly, Daniel  

Posted by: Cathy Dec 6 04, 14:14

   

I thought I'd give this a try!

                               

~A Snowfall~
                              Flakes a-twirl
                        sparkled prisms a-swirl
                    a filmy veil of crystalline white
                     
               creates a panaroma of Winter's delight
             to reflect shimmers in the aura of sunlight
                shocking beauty from a gem so small

                        to hold the eye enthral
                                A snowfall

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Dec 6 04, 19:09

I love it James!

Both your subject matter and your poem!  :lovie:

Nice job!
~Cleo  :cloud9:

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Dec 6 04, 19:11

Simply EXCELLENT Daniel!  :smart:

I look forward to reading more - it's all in the word choices to express oneself's thoughts...

COOL!  :cool:  :chilly:

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Dec 6 04, 19:13

STUNNING Cathy!  :snowflake:

I've offered you a crit in Homer's as well.... What a neat piece to get one in the mood for snow (and it's snowing here right now)...

I look forward to reading more of this form from you...

Cheers!
~Cleo  :cloud9:

Posted by: Jox Dec 6 04, 19:22

Thanks Lori.

Just thought I'd dabble....

I saw your specifications for the form and thought it looked crazily complex, so I, naturally, couldn't resist. Well done on another new form. You should consider more and then publishing a book with your various new forms in and some examples. LM Kanter's Poetic Approaches for 21stC - or some better title. Idea is serious, though.

See you later.

J.

Posted by: Cathy Dec 6 04, 23:34

Thanks, I've used your suggestions, it really made a difference.

I'm working on another one but it's not ready yet.  It's got me stumped!

Cathy  :holly:  :dove:

Posted by: AMETHYST Dec 7 04, 03:00

Oh my... This is so wonderful! Lori, you know how much I enjoy Rictameter's and Cinquains and still, various forms that play with rhyme and meter...but what I like about this is the twist of the ending line, summarizing the poem and becoming the title. Excellent inclusion of params....

Let's see what I come up with...

Posted by: AMETHYST Dec 7 04, 03:23

Hey Lori,

Would you mind If I spread your name around, with the form and an invitation to visit Mosaic Musings to check this out? ... And would you be so kind as to post this and hte other Kanter Poetry Forms to Poetry 911--in the Training Forum. I would rather the members use it as a serious form of poetry to practice and grow with it.

With enough use, it might be a house hold name, like Cinquains and the such...

Another thing... is there a way to document this with the Library of Congress? ... to make sure that you will always be noted as the inventor?? ... Oh I am excited about your new forms.

Best to you! Liz

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Dec 7 04, 05:23

Hi Liz!

I KNEW you'd like this one!  

Just one teensy nit: S2 should be 3 lines then S2 only 2....
BUT actually I like the change more - so I will change that in the form to writer choice - either 3/2/3 or 3/3/2 for layout.....  :pharoah2


A lovely piece - all the posts are very acute here which is so exciting for this new form!    

HUGS!
Cleo

Posted by: Jox Dec 7 04, 06:20

Lori... far from me with forms and all that, but...

Why not leave the verses flexible? You have specified syllables and lines and rhymes... by leaving the verse organisation flexible you will allow more"takes" on the form, without altering the fundementals of sound , etc.

Just a thought ... as you can see, my flying saucer shape combined into just the one verse.

Your form, your choice.

Tata, J.

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Dec 7 04, 06:22

YES- good idea Liz and James!

Writer can use either 3/3/2 OR 3/2/3 for the layout....

Cool!  :snowflake:

 :dance:
Cleo  

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Dec 7 04, 12:38

Hi Liz!  :reindeer:

I'd be honored to post my forms at your site for learning exercises!  :cool:

Of course any invitations to MM are appreciated as well!  :dove:

Hmmmm - I will check into your query about LOC - good idea!

HUGS!
~Cleo

Posted by: Jox Dec 7 04, 19:22

Hi Daniel,

Sorry! I've tried really hard to translate this and failed. Would you please be kind enough to offer a translation so my poor brain can follow it?

Thanks in anticipation, James.

Posted by: AMETHYST Dec 7 04, 21:58

Well Daniel, Serious means that at the very least, the poem should make sense and be readable. I find that [b]LORI'S] new endeavor's of creating poetry forms fall under serious, as to be taken on with a true desire to learn the form as one would a Sonnet, A Villinelle, or any other established form.



Lori, I am so sorry that was an error in stanza breaks... will fix it!

Hugs and great job on these! Liz

Posted by: Jox Dec 8 04, 03:08

Good Morning Daniel,

I popped back here looking for your kind translation. However, no only has it is it not there but also the original post has disappeared! (It was immediately above my request). Did you remove it or is there a technical glitch? We seem to have an outbreak of disappearing posts - must be the weather.

Seriously, though, I was hoping to see what you meant - so if you did remove it would you please consider re-posting and just helping me to understand... I would like to.

I hope I didn't upset you in any way - certainly didn't mean to. I wasn't being sarcastic or anything like that; I genuinely couldn't understand it, I'm afraid (people often ask me to explain my work too). I have always read your work and was simply asking for an explanation - nothing more. I promise.

Thanks, James.

Posted by: JustDaniel Dec 8 04, 09:35

Thank you, James.  

I assure you that nothing that you said upset me in any way.  Both your comments and silence elsewhere convinced me that my attempt at an extremely important subject that I teach almost daily to my clients did NOT communicate seriously at all in the vernacular in which I'd originally composed it.  Honestly, I was simply embarrassed by it ( not your comments or request! )... and that some seem to think that I was just trivializing Cleo's form right from the start!  Nothing could be further from reality, so I just wanted to remove something that I now see could be interpreted in that way. I'm truly sorry for that, because that could not be further from my intent.  I simply dismally failed in my first draft AND stirred things unintentionally. I do hope you see that if I thought "Three-by-Eight" were a trivial form, I certainly wouldn't have gone to the trouble of offering a more accurate title-suggestion for it... or given a partial description of the form with a piece written in its (original) form! I'm afraid that I again stumbled over my own stupid tongue, and believe me, it hurts!

Therefore I thought it best merely to eliminate the first try to at least assuage some inkling of the doubt.  I here offer another try.  I'm not sure that this accomplishes my goal either, but at least it's in plain standard American speech until the end.  I hope that "Suh" is understood as Americana "Sir" and that the variant of pro bono is also acceptible in the vernacular of the closing tercet.  "Gonna" among my clients is now a by-word, so it is essential if I'm going to accomplish this in Trois-par-Huit... which I may or may not be able to do.  And there aren't many rhyme choices for "Gonna"... so I'm just gonna try again.

So... please be assured that I always appreciate your input, especially when you're right to the point.  And know that your words on this were HELPful... not HURTful.  Thanks IMMENSELY.

P.S. to Cleo:

Honestly, I do like the original tercet, tercet, couplet more.  I think it is consistent with introducing a new rhyme in the prior stanza throughout that way. It also give a smidgen of the flavor of the summary couplet of a sonnet.

Of course I bow to your choice, as you see in my offering here...  but I'd really be interested in knowing why you made the change in the division. It almost looks to me in the present format that line three's rhyme could be viewed as a mistake.  I'll be very interested in discovering what went into your decision... and may I say that I'd love to see you reverse it!

But I ain't arguin'!  I love the form, whatever you do with it, and I'd love to be able to play with it (in the serious sense of that word, of course) right along with you.

P.P.S.  OOPS!!!  I see that I misunderstood your "as well" to mean that that was the change you made as well... namely to 3 2 3, but I see (from seeing now the change in the text ABOVE it, that you've made it optional!  I fully agree with that. I'd totally missed the earlier posts by Liz and James, suggesting the option, since I'd returned to the tile after there was a second page, and I continued from there without looking back, except to your initial post.  

Reading is a gigantic hurdle for me, Lori.  Please forgive my slowness! I'm really trying... and I know that it sometimes makes me trying to folks!  I don't even have to try for that to happen, it seems.

Respectfully always.  You KNOW that I think you're a writing genius!

Hugs and a sigh, Daniel  

Posted by: Jox Dec 8 04, 10:55

Hi Daniel,

Thank you very much for returning with your work - though a translation would have been fine, rather than a complete re-write.

Thanks also for the explanations; much appreciated.

My silence, by the way, as far as it said anything, only said "I don't understand." Nothing more.

And, last but not least (as they say) - thank you very much for your kind comments; much appreciated.

I have to say that I'm a little sad that you should be embarrassed. I really think there is nothing wrong with experimentation - some of my work is a long way from any convention; you are far closer, with your exploration for forms and so on. I strongly feel (and I hope and believe that all on MM would agree on this, at least) that experimentation and pushing boundaries in art - including literature - is vital if we are to make new contributions. You and I push those boundaries very differently - but we are both pushing and that is nothing at all to be embarrassed about; quite the contrary. Indeed, by inventing new forms, Lori is pushing, too.

Just for the record - I am in almost complete ignorance about the names for most poetry forms (perhaps excluding Swampy Q. - because he's a pal of mine). So I have not been following the debate on the naming of forms. I left that to those people - Lori, yourself and others - who know about these things and have an opinion to express.

Also, to me you have not failed - neither dismally, nor in any other way - at anything of which I'm aware. The only thing I might suggest is not to beat yourself up - you don't deserve it!

I can see that you would probably prefer not to display your original poem, along with the "translated" version - but, if you should change your mind, it would be interesting to see them together. Just because something is in a language one can't understand does not make it invalid. (I think somewhere on MM I posted some Welsh verse - I simply provided an English translation along-side). The thing is, even if one cannot understand the words, there usually is a discernable sound pattern and - as we know - poetry is about many things but its sound is one of the more important ones.

Anyway, to sum-up; I'm very pleased you re-posted; I'm very pleased I didn't upset you (and thank you for your comments) and I would also be pleased if you realised that, in posting that verse, you did nothing wrong. An explanation / translation was its only deficiency.

Best wishes, James.

Posted by: JustDaniel Dec 8 04, 11:28

Thank you for your much needed, encouraging words, my friend. I'd meant in my explanation for the removal that the silence elsewhere - not from you - convince me that I was totally out in left field in thinking that what I was saying was clear.  It certainly was clear to me, but that is ONLY because the CONCEPT is in MY mind.  The ART comes in translating that into some kind of communicable something-or-other.  My first attempt did not do that, and we'll see if the second one comes any closer.  Please feel free to visit it again in the "Complex Critique" forum... where I seldom have ventured of late, but returned, at least to wrestle with this one... and I fully realize that I may have to wrest it into another form.

Whatever the case, rest assured that I will return with something here, probably an attempt at something more soothing, as this form certainly offers that kind of opportunity!

deLighting in your understanding words, Daniel  :sun:

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Dec 9 04, 17:33

Posted by: AMETHYST Dec 11 04, 03:06

Posted by: Jox Dec 11 04, 05:04

Hi Lori - commented on your fine piece in the crit thread. Well done.

Hi Liz... This had me much interested, Must have read it twenty times...

I'm sure it is a very accurate 3x8 but it flows well and the words have absolutly fascinated me.

This isn't a crit forum so but I don't have a lit crit point to make - it's fine.

I was interested in the certainty with which you wrote this. I use poetry to praise, to criticise, to search for human values (heck that sounds terribly pompous, sorry!) in other words, I have few certainties - then mostly negative ones (I don't accept this and that etc).

You use poetry - here at least - to proclaim your certainty with a confidence in something I simply don't have. This poem has bold statements, the type of which I wouldn't dare make. It is a personal credo - or, at least, a window on one - of powerful magnitude. It uses rueful sadness to support one stance and knock another down. It really is very skilful, indeed.

I find it fascinating how you link creed and liberty; the religious and the political - we both do that, from opposite perspectives.

I take one strongly political point - that liberty allows attacks upon liberty. How do democracies democratically protect democracy? Can they?

I was unsure if "lesser creeds" - we could debate that one! referred to Islam or Atheism - or both (it was plural). (I am assuming this from a Christian perspective because, if my mind serves me right (!!!) I think I have see you write as a Christian previously - sorry if I'm wrong.

This is a really-well worked argument. If I have understood it (and I am uncertain about that) then I deeply disagree with it. That supports the excellence of the poetry - you have brilliantly encapsulated so much in such a short time - in form, too!

I really enjoyed reading this, Liz and (again, if I am right) it is absolutely brilliant to see someone address some of the issues which I try to - from a very different perspective. In that sense, at least, I hope you don't mind if I say I find us soul-mates. Such issues deserve debating and poetry is an excellent medium.

Thanks you for this - really very good indeed.

James.

Posted by: Aggiel Dec 12 04, 08:51

Posted by: AMETHYST Dec 24 04, 23:39

Hi James,

I apologize for the delay in reading your response and getting my reply posted. I've been so busy with Christmas running around! Thank you for the amazing compliment on my convictions and the way I write. The poem at hand, didn't really have a religious tilt, or even a political tilt... actually it wasnt about Iran, war, or even the 911 incident at all. Lately, I've been noticing society in general--good people get over looked, and underminded, while those that do wrong or live in such a way that the create heartache for others (leaving their pieces for others to pick up) seem to get rewarded these days. However, the unfortunate thing is I had not seen the strong underlying meanings of religious/political and social intent... I agree that poetry is a magnificent release for our views and expressions of todays issues that aren't often discussed in full.

I'm at work right now and will be back again...would appreciate if you point me in the direction of some of your work that expresses these issues too!

Hugs, Liz...

Happy Holidays!

As Truth Dies

When justice
leads others to entice
the lesser creed to proclaim their goals

and praise the passing of such gentle and kind souls
acclaiming all the heartless are bearer's of woes
I fear that Lady Liberty cries

Her torch blown out by sighs
as Truth dies

Posted by: AMETHYST Dec 24 04, 23:40

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Dec 31 04, 10:21

Tee hee! How tue Liz!

I'd like to think of times (as Butch has written in his poems) when the "commercialism" didn't exst. Families and friends coming together to share in the joy of their faith. It's always been special for me to receive handmade/homemade gifts, delight in a potluck buffet, where each visitor brings a food item to the table and we all mingle and jingle :) together and celebrate!

Happy Holidays!
Lori :pharoah2

Posted by: AMETHYST Dec 31 04, 12:19

Lauren’s Eyes

I was blind,
So lost among unkind
and hopeless happenings till you came

I spent the years searching for someone I could blame,
“it wasn’t I, not me-I know” is what I’d claim…

Too often, I turned from truth, seeking lies
Till I saw, by surprise;
Lauren’s eyes.

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Dec 31 04, 13:08

How beautiful Liz!

Me eyes is a-waterin here!

Bravo!
Lori :pharoah2

Posted by: AMETHYST Jan 1 05, 06:42

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Aug 27 05, 12:58

Working on the Hepta Crown Challenge, I've chosen the topic below.

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Aug 27 05, 13:19

Working on the Hepta Crown Challenge, I've chosen the topic below.

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Sep 9 05, 05:13

Hi Liz!

I didn't realize you were providing links to your work in your showcase until I moused over your titles and it brought me here.

I simply love this poem!  :lovie:

This form is so restrictive yet you've still managed to put the right elements of a homeless person's home nad make it a poignant piece.  :claps:

Well done!
~Cleo  :cloud9:

Posted by: AMETHYST Oct 11 05, 20:12

Thanks Lori,

Sorry I hadn't noticed this reply. I want to make some adjustments to the last one, instead of 'A kind hand' I think, with kind hand. would be more powerful.

I love this form...it is one of my most favorites!

Homeward Bound

What keeps me
here is security
I'm so unsure where I want to be

The sacrifice of bills now paid has been too high,
my fam'ly, friends and familiar ways-long gone by

so if one day I am not around
just know that I'll be found
homeward bound.



This one will need a little work in time to come, just wanted to get something going and bump up this thread!

Posted by: AMETHYST Oct 11 05, 20:37

A Blank Slate

Starting out
a new; no ounce of doubt
to shadow these silent silhouettes

of yesterday. They dance about in pirouettes
across my mind, reminding me of those regrets

I've left behind; I'll not contemplate
slow steps to recreate
a blank slate.

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Oct 18 05, 16:54

Hi Liz.

What a good feeling piece! Tis but one teensy issue and that is in the rhyme scheme: this form requires the rhyming pattern of AAB BBC CC.

In your piece, you've followed an AAA BB CCC scheme.

So, we'll a slight tweak to the last word in L3.

I'm so unsure where I want to be

We need a rhyme for 'high' there.

I'm unsure of things, I wonder why....

Well - just a start for you...

Enjoyed this poem and the sentiments behind it.  :cloud9:

~Cleo  :sun:

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Oct 18 05, 16:56

A PUUUURRFFFECT Piece Liz!  :pharoah2

Well done - and I like a blank slate - always makes me feel I can conquer anything....

HUGS
~Cleo  :odie:

Posted by: AMETHYST Oct 21 05, 21:27

Hey Lori,

Good suggestion! I will either go with that or cry. Let me know from below which is most benefical to the poem.

I understand the original params were aab bb ccc but I originally did aaa bb ccc and you said it could be an alternative in the params. Either way, your suggestion actually leads the wording toward a more important tensity in meaning than what I have already. I am still going lto do further revisions on these. I would like to include some of these in the chapbook.  :dance:

Homeward Bound

What keeps me
here is security,
I'm still so unsure...I wonder why;

The sacrifice of bills now paid has been too high,
my fam'ly, friends and familiar ways-long gone by

so if one day I am not around
just know that I'll be found
homeward bound.

or


Homeward Bound

What keeps me
here is security
but fear still has a hold on me...Why?

The sacrifice of bills now paid has been too high,
my fam'ly, friends and familiar ways-long gone by

so if one day I am not around
just know that I'll be found
homeward bound.

Posted by: AMETHYST Oct 21 05, 21:53

Thank You Lori,

This is one of my most favorite, if not THE most favorite forms. I enjoy the possibilities it offers for the rhymes, and idea it gives me as I contemplate the form and the variations in the line lengths help to adjust a strong tone of voice.

Hugs, Liz

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Oct 22 05, 08:07

Hi Liz.

I think I like this version a tad more of your two:

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Oct 22 05, 08:08

You could also say:

What keeps me
here is security,

I'm still uncertain...I wonder why;
OR
I still hesitate...I wonder why;

The sacrifice of bills now paid has been too high,
my fam'ly, friends and familiar ways-long gone by

so if one day I am not around
just know that I'll be found
homeward bound.


:pharoah2

Posted by: AMETHYST Oct 22 05, 16:19

Hey Lori, I rather like this one most too. With perhaps a tiny tweak that helps L1 and L2 to make more sense or connect better with what L3 is bringing to light for the reader.
Perhaps:

Homeward Bound

What keeps me
here...is security
I'm so uncertain; I wonder why?

The sacrifice of bills now paid has been too high,
my fam'ly, friends and familiar ways-long gone by

so come the day I am not around
rest assure--I'll be found
homeward bound.

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Oct 22 05, 17:10

Yes - I this latest one Liz.

Well done!

~Cleo

Posted by: AMETHYST Oct 22 05, 21:20

Thanks Lori.

 :sun:  You brighten my day (ok and my nights being it is 10 pm....) LOL

Big Hugs, Liz ... (Do you think this will fit into the chapbook theme I spoke of?)

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Oct 23 05, 06:38

Hi Liz.  :sun:

Thanks so much! It's now the a.m. for me (7:36).  :upside:  :oops:  :laugh:

Oh YES, this is a perfect one to go with your theme in mind for the chapbook! I am writing a response to you now....

One more thought on that revised line:

If you didn't want that pause, you might also say:

I'm so uncertain and wonder why?

Tee hee - just another option for you.  :detective:

TTYL
Lori  :pharoah2

Posted by: AMETHYST Oct 25 05, 17:41

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Oct 25 05, 19:42

Your Hurricane 3x8 Liz!

You have such a knack for these!

YES, we even felt some of her wrath today - I had a very trecherous drive into work this morning - the winds nearly swept me to the door at work as I exited my car!

This monster lurks beyond the blackness

Excellent description Liz! I could FEEL the tension in each word ~ nice alliteration too!  :sprite:

~Cleo

Posted by: AMETHYST Oct 30 05, 09:50

THank you Lori,

It is a wonderful form of poetry! Perhaps one day our grandchildren will be reading in their english books on the Trois-par-Huit Form and about its creator.


I love this form... Wilma really did her share of devastation. It has been overwhelming. Although I am grateful that there weren't too many deaths, During the hurricane, our 911 calls were heartbreaking. It is so hard to hear someone petrified, sick or injured and not be able to get them help--however it is a great feeling to know that we are their only source of help, comfort or direction on getting safe assistance during a very horrifying experience.

Here's another 3x8 ...

No one's home

Whirling Gales,
debris sets sale-it flails
across a blackened night..what a fright-

but Heaven hovers over keeping us in sight,
through the eye of the storm, we see a future bright.

An elderly couple sits alone-
his wife has passed-don't phone
no one's home.

Posted by: AMETHYST Nov 5 05, 23:30

The silence
is more a consequence
of what has been sacrificed for gain,

too high to decipher the pleasure from the pain
and all too often it's regret that we maintain.

We traded what's dear to us; for play
and then we gave away
time to pray.





The silence
is more a consequence
of what we've lost for material gain,

so high; we can't decipher pleasure from the pain
and all too often it's regret that we maintain.

We traded what's dear to us; we pray
for growth then give away
our today.

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Nov 7 05, 06:28

These are such poignant pieces Liz.



Each has its own distinct message - in such few words.

BRAVO!
~Cleo

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Nov 13 05, 14:52

OK Rellie...  

I've just written another one today - hope you like!  

Posted by: AMETHYST Nov 13 05, 15:08

Hey Lori,

Absolutely divine! The message is something that touched my heart deep inside, because I have been going through battle with myself of reaching back torwards family/home and traditions and your poem reminded me of how important and warming those things really are.

One suggestion. In L5; perhaps-

where small town merriment and heritage unfold

The reasons for my suggestion is that your title and final line are traditions and it would help to omit that near repeat, as well as allow the line to flow in one smooth motion for the meaning.

Well... A wonderful choice form for the message and a great big hug for the skill!

Hugs, Liz

Posted by: AMETHYST Nov 13 05, 15:12

These 3 final lines could be a poem within themselves...


melodic spirited renditions

Winter’s compositions

Traditions

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Nov 13 05, 15:28

I'm glad I could bring some festivity into your heart today Liz.  

Thanks ever so much! I've changed that line per your suggestion - I didn't even realize I had repeated the title word and that is a no-no really for this form.  

I posted this one for crit as well and made the change there too thanks to you and your observant ways.  

Thanks so much Liz and

~Cleo  

Posted by: AMETHYST Nov 20 05, 16:24

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Nov 20 05, 16:35

Breathtakingly beautious Liz!

This is so lovely and this part:

pale gray clouds against ebon skies
hide angels as they gather to decide who flies~

in dreams;  

Superb!

~Cleo :pharoah2

Posted by: AMETHYST Nov 20 05, 18:27

Thank you Lori,

The form brings out the most inspired thougths. It has been so long since I've sat down at the computer, or with a pen and pad and wrote something that has had any substance. These forms of yours bring out that inspiration, with substance and depth. I enjoy reading them and writing them.

This will be an included poem in "Out of the Dark" ... What do ya think? ...

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Nov 24 05, 08:43

Liz.

Your chapbook title is perfect!  

You've inspired me to write!  

Here's one I wrote this morning:

edited L5 - was:
savory ciders, tarts, cookies, pies, breads amaze

Posted by: AMETHYST Dec 5 05, 21:42

Hey Lori,

Oh I am spending next Christmas with you... You have a way of making scents and sounds, images and life come alive with words... HEre's one for my Cousin Joann, Tweedle as my mom nick named her when she was little and we've called her that ever since.  

Memories
of younger days, we'd breeze
like winds in gentle rainstorms to grasp

the setting of the sun; we'd run, ready to clasp
a manic moment in time, our minutes would lapse

between distance and dreams we had shared.
Those adventures we dared;
neither feared.

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Dec 6 05, 06:28

Liz - this is so beautiful - you've got the rhyme plus, the meter AND you've built in assonance AND alloteratative devices in this short 8 line piece. WOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW! :pharoah2

This form looks great on you!

Enjoyed every word!

Lori

Posted by: JustDaniel Dec 23 05, 10:21

Note: Subsequent to posting this, I realized that I've written a few of these without regard for the Last line = title rule. Forgive me please, Lori. I corrected the description in P-V. I guess you didn't notice the error there?

Posted by: JustDaniel Sep 14 06, 13:38

(original)

one more day
ere I will taste cool spray
of ocean waves with a tinge of salt

while escaping the confines of this dingy vault
to let the end-of-summer sun my skin assault

so in the meantime I’ve redacted
these words, for I've acted
distracted

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Sep 15 06, 05:35

Hi Daniel.

An excellent Octa-Tri here! I can smell the ocean salt and feel the wind!

One suggestion: Are there other ways to replace those "the's" in this one to make every word count?

Cheers
~Cleo

Posted by: JustDaniel Sep 15 06, 06:51

Point taken, Lori. I've posted a revision...

and I'll try to do better in that department.

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Oct 21 07, 20:29

Here's an interesting thread I just found by googling my name,


http://www.thestarlitecafe.com/discus/messages/54843/106109.html?1153859780

Posted by: Sekhmet Nov 19 09, 03:52

Hi Cleo - here is my five minute verse - I am always slightly baffled by the fashion for dressing things up in Faux French - is to make them sound more ancient or authentic? After all, we are not Medieval French Shepherd Poets.
It would be possible to use the title, 'Eins - Acht' (in German). Just as logical - but it wouldn't sound so good. Plain English when ever possible, unless speaking of things that are genuinely French.
Leo

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Nov 19 09, 08:53

Very interesting observation, Leo. I don't actually recall how I came to give this form its name, but I think it had to do with the form 'Huitain'? There's a 4x8 version as well you may get a kick out of trying.

You've got two lines that need a bit of tweaking:

I'm thinking, 'Would not this poem sound just the same;
This is only 11 beats- unless you pronounce poem as 2 syllables?

and language in its natural state?'
This one is trickier - this line should only have 6 beats total. If I count language and natural as 2 it still reads at 8.

Thanks for your first attempt - well done! Hoping you'll revise to match the params exactly!

Cheers
~Cleo

Posted by: Larry Mar 13 15, 15:07

Saw this and thought I'd try my hand at one. Hope it's okay Lori.

Posted by: JustDaniel Mar 15 15, 04:50

Posted by: Larry Mar 15 15, 13:40

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Apr 13 15, 10:06

OOOh Hi Larry!

So glad you stopped in to try this! I did not get a notification for some reason and just found it today (and you've done three of the Trois-par-Huit)! There is also a four-by-eight version as well should you try that one (Quarte-par-Huit).

I LOVE butterfly and dragonfly poetry!
This is beautiful!

~Cleo

Posted by: Larry Apr 14 15, 14:05

Thanks Lori,

I did try your "Quarte-par-Huit" and posted it for your pleasure. Hope it meets all parameters including your approval.

Larry