as winter begins
snowman,s excitement
escapes through icy grin
Hello Hellfire,
I enjoyed your winter Haiku (although I admit to not wishing for winter to come any time soon).
I have two suggestions:
The first is to swap L1 and L3.
The second is to find another description for the word 'between' as I think you could make the snowman vision stand out further with a substitution there that leads into 'winter begins'. Perhaps use replacements for 'jumps' and 'joy' ? Perhaps:
Snowman jumps in joyfullness
Or
Snowman jumps in joyous play
Enjoyed the read,
~Cleo
Hellfire:
I love reading and writing haiku; your is very nice. One nit...the first line seems to have only four syllables. Would it meet the requirements better if you said:
"Winter now begins"?
ace
Hellfire, not too sure this is a haiku in the strict sense of the word. Haiku are poems of observation, and I can hardly imagine the observation of a snowman "jumping". Perhaps a winter animal? Also, I think you can find a synonym for "jump" that could replace "jump for joy" with one word. Never mind the syllable count (as long as you keep it under seventeen) for a haiku in English language, it should have less syllables than in Japanese.
I hope this helps.
Mark
thanks cleo
will revise and see how it works.not sure if the L1 when then link with rest of the piece after change.thanks once again
regards
hellfire
hi ace
thanks for the advice.
i am glad you enjoyed the piece.
much appreciated
regards
hellfire
hi mark
must admit not a haiku in traditional sense.willl revise and are busy considering your suggestion regarding replacement for "jump for joy"
thanks.much appreciated
regards
hellfire
G'day, Hellfire.
as winter begins
snowman,s jubilation
escape through icy grin
Well, I think you are one sillybull short L2.
How about using excitement instead of jubilation>> make it easier for the syllable count.
I would use escapes instead escape in L3.
Regards,
John
hi john
thanks for the comments and suggestion.
it reads much better now.
cheers
hellfire
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