Revision

She waits patiently listening for
hurried hooves on rooftops with
bells softly jingling, but hears
the pounding of her neglected heart in
the frostiness of December’s air.

Her hands purple and chapped are placed
over a small fire she carefully keeps going
as she furiously rubs to generate feeling.

Through faint colors of red, green and
speckles of gold a surge of contentment
warms her insides as she harks back to
Christmas lights covering the curved
bushes in front of her childhood home,
a slight smile widens her serious face.

She closes her eyes and breathes deeply
the smells of peppermint, spice, pine and
cinnamon, scents reminiscent of family,
of moments savored.

Her fantasy is soon replaced by sounds
of gunshots, a dwindling fire shared in
a rusted barrel, city lights fading into the
darkness of an unfeeling night and the
stench of decaying garbage permeating
the infected air, but like the magic
of the season, she holds on to a sliver of hope.
© Linda Balboni 2006

I assume this takes place in a less than desirable neighborhood.

A whiff of Christmas spirit wafting along the street of life-goes-on.

I am certain you know that this may be trimmed for the better.

Don

Hi Linda

This is a powerful poem

I really like it's theme, its message and the storytelling with the late reveal etc.

I have one or two suggestions for tidying up some of the lines but first I really wanted to impress how much I enjoyed the way you drew me in and built up the atmoshpere.

So my suggestions are for altering the line breaks to assist with the meaning and keep each verse to the same number of shorter lines (I have set out a suggestion for this at the bottom) and some punctuation revision as well as a few word choice suggestions;

'She waits patiently, listening for the
clanging of hooves on the rooftop and bells softly
jingling,'


This is nice. You have a lot of bell like sounds here with all the present participles and the sibilants and fricatives.


'but hears only the pounding of her neglected heart in the
icy chilliness of December’s air'.


Here I wonderd if you could use 'chill' instead of 'chilliness', which I find a little long. imho 'chill' feels colder and more ominous.


I would like to suggest a punctuation revision in the next line;

'Her hands(,) purple and chapped, she places them over

To me if you lose that first comma it makes more sense?

In the next two lines I wonder if you could find alternatives for 'keeps going' and 'bring back' as these two seem a little long and as fireplace and fire are close I wondered about 'hearth' to avoid the repetition of the 'fire' syllable?



'the small fire she carefully (keeps going) tends or nurtures or kindles in her (fireplace) hearth,
desperately hoping to (bring back) restore feeling, as she waits.'

Then in the next line I would like to suggest 'speckeld gold' in place of 'speckles of gold' so your 'clours of' refers to all three colours;

'Through faint colors of red, green and speckled(s) (of) gold',

The followng line you have 'a surge of excitement warms her insides as she harks back..' and I would like to suggest maybe shortening this by using 'surge' as a verb and either finding an alternative for insides, (or merly dropping the final s?), or cutting the word entirely. And for 'harks back to' I would like to suggest 'recalls'. So the line would look like this;


'an excitement surges to warm her as she recalls Christmas', or
''excitement surges and warms her as she recalls Christmas'


And I think you need to drop the comma after 'Christmas' unless you mean for 'lights covering etc.' to be a new thought, in which case I would suggest a semi colon after 'Christmas'. But I read it as 'recalls Christmas lights'?

'lights covering the curved bushes in front of her childhood home',


I really liked 'covering the curved bushes in front of her childhood home' 'covering the curved' has a good sound.

And I like the alliteration and assonance in the following line too;

'and a slight smile widens her serious face.'

In the next line can I suggest a semi colon after 'cinnamon'?

and another after 'closeness'?

I also would like to suggest the verb sate instead of satiate?

Then you would have 'that once sated her desire...'
That seems easier to say and hear?



And I wonder if in 'living rewarding' it is one too many 'ing' sounds?

Could that perhaps be; 'a time that made life rewarding and meaningful.'?


In the next line I would like to suggest inserting 'too' before 'soon' to add emphasis to the shortness of the fantasy. And you could possibly cut 'is' and 'the' from this line as well? I also feel the 'sounds' could become 'sound' as it is one type of sound.


And imho it should be another semicolon after 'gunshots'. And a full stop after 'barrel'?

Then in your next lines, could you perhaps use the present indicative instead of the participle for the verbs 'to fade' and 'to permeate'? that seems to make them easier to speak.

Also I wondered if you could echo your 'the darkness of an unfeeling night' with the stench of... a stagnant air'? so replacing 'the' with 'a' before 'stagnant'?

Punctuation wise I feel another fullstop after 'air' would work and droping the comma after 'night'.

For the last two lines I have the following suggestions;

'But yet' to replace 'But still' only because 'still' has the additional meaning of lack of motion or lack of sound but you have already introduced gunshot so don't want to quieten it with 'stil'.. And there is half rhyme with 'but' and 'yet'

And possibly 'clings' to replace 'holds on' as clings to a glimmer' has assonance. Also clings to seems to have more desperation about it than 'holds on to'?

And finally it might be possible to cut 'shining' so the final line would be;

'she clings to a glimmer of hope'

Below is the poem with my suggstions incoroporated and a suggested revision of the line breaks;

I hope all this is helpful and hope you don't mind my taking liberties with your poignant chilling poem?


'She waits patiently,
listening for the
clanging of hooves on the rooftop
and bells softly jingling,
but hears only the pounding of her neglected heart
in the icy chill of December’s air.

Her hands purple and chapped,
she places them over
the small fire she carefully kindles
in her hearth,
desperately hoping
to restore feeling, as she waits.

Through faint colors of red, green and speckled gold,
an excitement surges
and warms her as she recalls
Christmas lights covering the curved bushes
in front of her childhood home,
and a slight smile widens her serious face.

She closes her eyes
and smells peppermint, spice, pine and cinnamon;
flavors and scents that once sated
her desire for family and closeness;
a time that made life
rewarding and meaningful.

Her fantasy too soon replaced by sound of gunshots;
a dwindling fire shared in a rusted barrel.
City lights fade into the darkness of an unfeeling night,
and the stench of decaying garbage permeates a stagnant air.
But yet, like the magic of the season,
she clings to a glimmer of hope.

© Linda Balboni 2006


Happy Holiday

jenni :-)

Hi Linda
Good subject matter for Christmas Eve. We should all remember those who have no homes, let alone gifts waiting under the tree. You handle the subject with just the right amount of dispassion, so it does not feel overwrought or sentimental. Good job.

I think this is just a little bit too prosey, and perhaps a bit telly so I have a few suggestions. Also I do not think hooves clang, clatter maybe, but clang? That stopped me up short. You may want to look for another word. The last two lines are also unecessary. We can see she still thinks and hopes for Christmas, you do not need to tell us.

She listens for the clatter
of hooves on the rooftop, for bells softly
jingling, but hears only pounding
of her heart in the icy December air.

Her hands, purple, chapped, held over
the small fire she feeds, hoping
to bring back feeling, as she waits.

Through faint glow of red, green and speckles of gold,
a surge of excitement warms her
with memories of Christmas:
lights covering the rounded bushes in front
of her childhood home;
a slight smile widens her serious face.

She closes her eyes, smells peppermint, spice,
pine, cinnamon, flavors and scents that once
satiated her desire for family and closeness.

Eyes open to the sound of gunshots,
a dwindling fire shared in a rusted barrel,
city lights fading into the darkness
and the stench of decaying garbage
permeating the stagnant air.

Hi Don,

Yep, this certainly does take place in an undesirable neighborhood, and considering I placed my poem in this forum and it only came to me yesterday morning as I was counting my many blessings, I am looking for revision.

Happy holidays.

Hi Jenni,

Wow, such an in-depth critique and revision. I appreciate the time you spent and will back later to take it all in.

Happy holidays to you!

Hi Cyn,

Thanks, for your in-depth critique. I will be back to consider your suggestions later.

Happy holidays to you!

PS "Clatter is so over-used for the Christmas theme, that is why I chose clanging, however, I hear you.

try clacking maybe

Hello,

Please move my poem to the Exhibition Forum.

Many thanks!

Lindi... you're such an Exhibitionist!

... and this is a nice reminiscence with a sliver of hope.... Clench hard!

deLightin' in yer writin', Daniel

Dear Lindi,

I second Daniel's observation regarding exibition.

Don

A very powerful poem indeed! i dont know much about poetry so i wont suggest things, though as a novice i would say that poem sounds perfectly fine already.

it certainately raises awareness aswell, the amount of times i walked past homeless people on the way to the train station as i did my christmas shopping

i didnt even really spare a thought for what it must be like when everyones at home with there families.

good stuff

shaggy breeks

Hi Don,

Hmmm, I am not always quite sure how to take you.

At any rate, thanks for reading and commenting.

Happy 2007!

Hello Shaggy,

Thanks a bunch for reading and sharing your insights.

I am glad that if nothing more, my poem makes people pause to think for a moment.

Happy 2007!

Hi Lindi,


I think the simplicity of the pleasant normality in the opening stanzas is the essence of poetry excellence. The suttle change from this point makes for a very well written poem.


John

Hi Lindi.

I'm so sorry for my delayed response! I am certainly glad to have read this poignant poem now though and am also thrilled that John (Arnie the Finnnnnn ) has nominated it for IBPC!

It is very deserving of a wider audience as your message goes deep. Is she homeless? Memories of past Christmas' with family to the gunshots of reality really make this one memorable.

Well done Lindi!
~Cleo

Hello John,

How have you been? Thank you so much for your complimentary response to my poem and for nominating it!

This is a nice surprise as I have been in somewhat of a dry spell the last year! I am truly honored and appreciate your insight and opinion.

Many thanks,
Lindi

Hello Cleo,

Thank you very much for your support and nice words.

I am very honored to be nominated and wish MM great success with it's participation with IBPC.
I also wish everyone, including you, the best of luck if nominated! There are so many great poets on this site!

Take care,
Lindi

Dear Linda,
Providing vivid images and communicating emotion are the stuff that poetry is made of.
At least for me "Christmas Recall" paints a vivid picture and the seedy pside of town and allows me to change my image of the dreamer stanza by stanza.
I first see a young girl crouching by the hearth, then a young women of the drurdgery class with her cld chapped hands nevertheless thankful for the minimal joys of the season, then escaping her actual surroundings she relives more pleasant thoughts of earlier Christmasses. Her mental return to reality is sad and gruesome, but hope survives. It's a rollercoaster ride for the emotions!
Cheers, Ron jgd

Hi Ron,

Thank you so much for your detailed response and glowing remarks! You are so sweet and I deeply appreciate you taking the time to read my poem and make me smile.

Blessings~
Lindi

The pleasure was all mine Lindi.

An exceptional piece of poetry.


John