JustDaniel
Sep 23 04, 14:41
Hey, Grace! 
Glad to hear that you're off on another little visit. We'll be heading to the New Jersey shore (Ocean City) on Saturday for a week of vacation... finally! I hope today's warm 'Indian Summer' weather stays with us for a few days. I'm looking forward to writing on the beach part of our time there.
I couldn't see your pictures on the website earlier this morning, so I may need some ambulatory instruction from you in getting around your friendly little site. Thanks for sharing it with us. Sounds like a neat group you're involved with. Ah... to be retired!
As to your poem. Since it has a title, it doesn't qualify as either a haiku or a senyru, so far as I know, and since I don't see a play on words in the title and body, it doesn't qualify as one of my faux-ku genre either. But with some simple editing, I think you have a neat little senryu here, if I may offer some assistance... even though I ain't a Roamin' Catholic:
grotto stones polished
by supplicant Lourdes pilgrims;
Mary smiles gently
Whatcha think?
sharin' de Light, Daniel 
JustDaniel
Sep 23 04, 15:16
QUOTE (Cybele @ Sep. 22 2004, 02:37)
The Potato Eaters by Van Gogh
quiet despair;
bathed in the glow
of Vincent's love
May I offer a twisted impressionistic look (in faux-ku) at this along with you, Grace?
eatin' away with depression
potatoes cannot
give self a steam underground...
Gogh up with Vincent
© Daniel J Ricketts 23 Sept 2004
Lightly awry... but who'd askew? Daniel
Hello Daniel,
Sorry for the delay in answering this, but life keeps getting in the way of my favourite pastime. 
QUOTE
As to your poem. Since it has a title, it doesn't qualify as either a haiku or a senyru, so far as I know, and since I don't see a play on words in the title and body, it doesn't qualify as one of my faux-ku genre either. But with some simple editing, I think you have a neat little senryu here, if I may offer some assistance... even though I ain't a Roamin' Catholic:
grotto stones polished
by supplicant Lourdes pilgrims;
Mary smiles gently
I didn't know that Haiku doesn't have a title. Thank you for letting me know. Haiku fascinates me and I want to write it properly. I like your suggestion here Daniel but prefer the slight re-arrangement to the first two lines as such:
Lourdes grotto
stone polished by pilgrims:
Mary smiles gently.
What do you think?
I really appreciate your help.
Love
Grace;farmer:
Me again Daniel,
QUOTE
The Potato Eaters by Van Gogh
quiet despair;
bathed in the glow
of Vincent's love
Removing title here Daniel
Potato Eaters
bathed in the glow
of Vincent's love
QUOTE
eatin' away with depression
potatoes cannot
give self a steam underground...
Gogh up with Vincent
Far too clever for me Daniel. How do you do it?? 
Love
Grace
JustDaniel
Sep 29 04, 16:25
Glad to be of some kind of help, Grace... and I'm pleased that you laughed at my faux-ku takeoff of your piece. I do like your revision of both!
Please let me know what you think of this series. I've written a couple of them... which I'll offer if you like this one:
Gulls and Buoys
sun drenches beach
to wave at passing gull;
buoy rises to greet
piling-top dancers
await warm, rushing surf;
lifeguards, dad watch
sandcastle builder
stands final watch, alone;
surf waves flatly
suds wash rough shoreline
for wind and sun to rinse smooth;
footprints drift aweigh
sails toss to soft blue
falling off beyond grey;
ocean throws a curve
five o’clock shadow
falls coolly before sundown;
li’l shavers pack up
© Daniel J Ricketts 25 Sept 2004
[b]
Good morning Daniel,
Thank you for your kind words and I am pleased you like the revisions.
QUOTE
A lovely set Daniel. Congratulations.
Love
Grace
summer cloudburst:
a wasp shares my shelter
in garden shed
:speechless: Help!!!
JustDaniel
Oct 4 04, 09:15
Thanks for your visit and ticklers, Grace... and your Summer piece. How's this for a follow-up senryu?
autumn emotions;
fellow-gardener shares shed
during late cloudburst
© Daniel J Ricketts 04 Oct 2004
JustDaniel
Oct 10 04, 19:06
wonderful picture, Grace.
Could this be a complementary piece... maybe even with a bit of a wink?
succulent with spines
hosting late-blooming flowers;
springs in a desert
... and should be start a senryu thread in here too?
deLightingly, Daniel
JustDaniel
Oct 12 04, 05:01
I see spots before my eyes, Grace; fall leaves before it begins!
cimmeron warm lake;
tiny bronzed ships leave moorings
as shafts of steam rise
... and I started the senryu thread too.
deLightingly, Daniel :sun:
Cleo_Serapis
Oct 12 04, 05:13
QUOTE (Just Daniel @ Oct. 12 2004, 06:01)
I see spots before my eyes, Grace; fall leaves before it begins!
cimmeron warm lake;
tiny bronzed ships leave moorings
as shafts of steam rise
... and I started the senryu thread too.
deLightingly, Daniel 
COOL! :cool:
Well done and thankies Daniel!
Is Senryu also 5/7/5 ? :wizard:
JustDaniel
Oct 12 04, 16:56
Hmmm... Grace, if I were to take yours as a katauta (merely making it into a question, perhaps?) might my response make ours a Mondo, or have I misread Cleo's explanation here?
winter twilight;
will last brave rose wear
a mantle of snow?
bent thorns spring to life;
snow-white petals emerge pink
from sun-drenched green buds
sharin' de Light, Daniel
Hello Daniel, :speechless:
QUOTE
Hmmm... Grace, if I were to take yours as a katauta (merely making it into a question, perhaps?) might my response make ours a Mondo, or have I misread Cleo's explanation here?
Pardon??? You've got me here Daniel
katauta??
Mondo??
New words to me Daniel, could you explain them please and their relationship to haiku/senryu. I want to learn all I can.
Je ne sais quoi, mon ami
Love
Grace
JustDaniel
Oct 13 04, 07:17
Pardonez moi, mon amie!
I guess you haven't read Cleo's tile here on Sedoka and Mondo! When you do, it will all be very clear... or at least a little clearer.
orb of crisp morning
rolls yellow over bronzed hills;
misty curtain lifts
sharin' de Light, Daniel
Hi Daniel, 
QUOTE
orb of crisp morning
rolls yellow over bronzed hills;
misty curtain lifts
Lovely word picture Daniel.
skein of wild geese
flying south;
early morning rainbow
Love
Grace
JustDaniel
Oct 13 04, 12:11
Thank you, Grace... and a very picturesque follow-up.
Now go to Cleo's tile for a chuckle?
deLightingly, Daniel :sun:
cloudy moonlight;
the lake hoards
deep, dark secrets
Grace
JustDaniel
Oct 15 04, 11:26
cloudy all day long;
winged hordes of lake immigrants
deposit luggage
Hi again Daniel, 
One more and I must go and prepare my dinner.
abandoned hubcap;
scrap yard dog
finds a companion
Grace
JustDaniel
Oct 15 04, 11:47
now that one is touching! It's right on the line between senryu and haiku in my thinking, but I love the way you captured two snapshots of the very unnatural nature of one miniscule but real happening in a junk yard.
You've mused this follow-up from our own yard:
composting leaf pile;
yellow household Labrador
retrieves summer's warmth
deLightingly, Daniel :sun:
JustDaniel
Oct 19 04, 17:32
boughed down in sorrow
leaving all its tears inside,
winter willow weeps
I know this is weak as a haiku, since it is ONE picture, but I just ran out of time. I'll be back.
Lovin' deLight, Daniel :sun:
QUOTE
boughed down in sorrow
leaving all its tears inside,
winter willow weeps
Still a lovely image Daniel ( reminds me of the death scene in the ballet Swan Lake - very touching)
wintry morning;
luring me from warm nest
rich aroma of coffee
Love
Grace
JustDaniel
Oct 21 04, 13:17
hmmm 4-6-7 perhaps okay for katauta... but not haiku, methinks...
QUOTE
wintry morning;
luring me from warm nest
rich aroma of coffee
maybe...
coffee aroma
filters, luring me from nest;
wintry morning warmth
wintering smoke-puffs
trail from hamburger season;
prints to Burger King
... though both of these border on senryu, methinks?
Lightly seasoned, Daniel
[b]
Good morning Daniel,
QUOTE
hmmm 4-6-7 perhaps okay for katauta... but not haiku, methinks...
Oops!! Ever had one of those days when you should have stayed in bed? When I dropped the lid of the toothpaste and banged my head retrieving it, then stubbed my toe on the bed I should have known I was in for a chaotic day!
Yes, of course you are right Daniel, this is senryu. You must forgive me, I am still learning the language. 
My revision
first wintry morning;
luring me from warm nest,rich
coffee aroma
Yours is a tad better I feel Daniel but I couldn't leave mine in that state
QUOTE
wintering smoke-puffs
trail from hamburger season;
prints to Burger King
Like the haiku Daniel, but not a fan of fast food. I prefer a lovely fresh rainbow trout and roast vegetables (last night's dinner Absolutely delicious.)
rainbow garbed pisces
you were never more welcomed
than here,on my plate
Love
Grace
P.S Daniel can we finish the Renga? Awaiting your decision on fomenting/fermenting.
Definitely intended to post in haiku section,
because I may be inaccurate, could you?
Many thanks Cleo,
Stephen
Solid dark quiet
pasture cool lapping stall door
horses warm breathing.
Brazen lost rooster
announces breakfast becoming
hay and warmed gruel.
Mid-day pasture change
big boys move out grand pasture
two old horses trade.
Proud mare gallops in
now rests while aged Maverick
gusto totting still.
Clean stalled dinner now
grapping full focused intent
evening rains down.
Cleo_Serapis
Oct 21 04, 16:13
Hi Stephen.
DId you mean to post this in Homer's? Or as part of haiku?
~Cleo
Cleo_Serapis
Oct 22 04, 05:18
Maybe I'm confuse Grace 
But methinks Katauta is the japanese word for 'stanza', not an actual poetic form...
:)
Hello Cleo,
QUOTE
Maybe I'm confuse Grace
But methinks Katauta is the japanese word for 'stanza', not an actual poetic form...
QUOTE
hmmm 4-6-7 perhaps okay for katauta... but not haiku, methinks...
Sorry, were you referring to this quote from Daniel? I think he meant the word count would make a good katauta (stanza) for a mondo at least that was how I read it.
Incidentally I was just replying to Brahms' piece when I got an error message and it - disappeared ... pooooff! Just like that.
Help!!
Love
Grace
Cleo_Serapis
Oct 22 04, 09:30
Hello Stephen, 
I tried to reply to this two days ago but just as I was posting a reply - it disappeared !!
Fortunately Lori solved the mystery 
Solid dark quiet
pasture cool lapping stall door
horses warm breathing.
Brazen lost rooster
announces breakfast becoming
hay and warmed gruel.
L2 one too many syllables, suggest
announce coming breakfast ?
Mid-day pasture change
big boys move out grand pasture
two old horses trade.
L2 maybe
big boys move to grand pasture ?
Proud mare gallops in
now rests while aged Maverick
gusto totting still.
L2 one too many syllables
maybe
now rests while old maverick ?
Clean stalled dinner now
grapping full focused intent
evening rains down.
I don't quite follow this last stanza Stephen
I somehow want to read
cleaned stalls, dinner now
gripping full focused intent
evening rains down.
Have I got the wrong end of the stick here?
You take me straight into those stables with steaming horses waiting impatiently for their meal. How warm it feels in there! 
Love
Grace
ribbon of moonlight
paves way for fishing boats
chasing silver shoals
JustDaniel
Oct 25 04, 06:44
QUOTE (Cybele @ Oct. 25 2004, 04:58)
ribbon of moonlight
paves way for fishing boats
chasing silver shoals
Grace, this is a beatutiful, easily visualized picture, but methinks it's but one picture rather than two snapshot impressions? Whatcha think?
rays of morning light
pierce low-lying autumn fog;
birds screech out, Get up!
Lightly, Daniel
Hi Daniel,
You see, that's my trouble. A thought comes, my mind go off half-cocked and this is what happens. 
Good job, you are there to guide me. I want so much to be able to write good haiku, but I still have so much to learn. Is this better?
ribbon of moonlight:
small boats leave harbour
chasing silver shoals
QUOTE
rays of morning light
pierce low-lying autumn fog;
birds screech out, Get up!
I know about this one ~ I live 1 1/2 miles from the sea and those gulls are early risers !!:lol:
I think this one is right though?
vase of lilies
by the open window;
moon bathing
Love
Grace
JustDaniel
Oct 25 04, 08:25
From my perspective I think your first one is perfect, Grace!
The second one is certainly two snapshots, but the first one is a bit blurred without a subject, don't you think? The third line is virtually essential to fill it out.
And I think most haikuers, no matter how many onji they utilize, expect that the second line be LONGER than the others. Whatcha think?
baying hounds roam
to water leaf-laden trunks;
cedars shed their bark
Lightly wizzing through, Daniel :sun:
Hello Daniel,
I have edited the second one, I hope it is all right now? Thanks for the pointer.
baying hounds roam
to water leaf-laden trunks;
cedars shed their bark
Sorry Daniel, I don't understand this one, at least not the second line. Could you explain it please?
Love
Grace
JustDaniel
Oct 25 04, 18:39
In my uneducated opinion, your revision is wondrous.
Now, as to my silly bit of farce, I guess you might call it a pseudo haiku. It portrays dogs making noise while they water trees while leaves fall on the ground (to represent fall). Meanwhile a cedar (presumable listening) sheds some of its bark (which happens year round, but more so in the fall, I think)... and tries maybe to shed some of the barkING too, methinks.
Sorry for my little side-trip. I do that occasionally, you may have noticed?
stubborn acorns cringe
as nut goes out on a limb;
ducks squirrel away
Lightly, Daniel :sun:
[b]
Good morning Daniel,
Thank you for your kind comment. All your comments are of great help in my quest for the way to write good haiku.
QUOTE
Sorry for my little side-trip. I do that occasionally, you may have noticed?
What we I do without the 'little smiles from Daniel' in the mornings?
QUOTE
stubborn acorns cringe
as nut goes out on a limb;
ducks squirrel away
This one I understand perfectly. I think you must have been in my local park yesterday when this happened
Now, after having checked whether I am answering in Haiku or Senryu...
dog-eared address book;
I chase my children
around the pages
Love
Grace
JustDaniel
Oct 26 04, 07:12
Well, Grace...
I'm glad that you checked which forum you were in for this wonderful little tidbit...
and then lunged headlong into a superb senryu! It shows me that I ain't the only one who can forget so quickly!
One forgetful senryu deserves another, dontcha think?
startled cat attempts
to skirt approaching walker;
frigid unawares
But here's a follow-up real haiku on the same subject with an underlying faux-ku for your pleasure?
wind whistles through limbs;
wolves turn to find their pray,
howling at the moon
Hello Daniel,
Well it was really meant as a joke (which backfired on me). I needed a smiley of a person with tongue in cheek but couldn't find one. I realise now the the head banger just didn't convey the message.
QUOTE
startled cat attempts
to skirt approaching walker;
frigid unawares
This gave me the shivers my friend, I am frightened of cats and don't they know it! They always make a beeline for me and wrap themselves around my legs (That's if I stay in one place long enough for them to reach me!
QUOTE
wind whistles through limbs;
wolves turn to find their pray,
howling at the moon
This one is very clever Daniel. I love the play on words 'pray' for prey and howling at the moon as if in prayer.
Now I really must stop messing up Lori's lovely forums. So here is a REAL haiku...
sudden storm:
old moggie takes shelter
in a rusty bucket
In case the word moggie is unfamiliar to you it is a name applied to a cat of no particular pedigree. (I am sure that animals are allowed in haiku, the Japanese are always writing about birds and crickets.)
Love
Grace
JustDaniel
Oct 26 04, 13:39
I think that's a great one, Grace. Some purists might say something like "sudden snow storm" to give a specific seasonal anchor, but not all occidental haiku-ers concur. In our cultures today, I think anything goes has long extended into poetry.
wind-blown leaves snuggle;
stray dog warms in their hovel
beneath tall privet
I hope this serious one causes something in you to curl up too!
deLightingly, Daniel 
Hi Daniel,
QUOTE
I hope this serious one causes something in you to curl up too!
wind-blown leaves snuggle;
stray dog warms in their hovel
beneath tall privet
It certainly did my friend. While frightened of cats, I love dogs !
Glad this one found a nice warm spot.
cold light of dawn;
stumbling through autumnal fog
a wounded deer
Love
Grace
JustDaniel
Oct 26 04, 15:42
QUOTE (Cybele @ Oct. 26 2004, 16:26)
cold light of dawn;
stumbling through autumnal fog
a wounded deer
Stunning portrayal of a difficult reality at the core of the debate over thinning herds in areas of population creeping into the domain of the deer, Grace. Here is the other side of the story... from a guy that's never shot at anything (except once with an M16 at targets in 1983):
cruel highway dusk;
grazing doe struck by light
drips red in snow bank
not so Lightly, Daniel
Hello Daniel, 
QUOTE
cruel highway dusk;
grazing doe struck by light
drips red in snow bank
This reminds me of a trip I took in August. I drove over a 1000 miles around England to see friends of ours who were too ill to come to Ralph’s funeral.
On the vast moorland regions of the Pennines (the backbone of England) and on the Yorkshire moors, the breathtaking scenery was only marred by the very high number of ‘road kill’ animals. Such a very sad sight.
Hunter’s moon;
shadow tracks my footsteps
across the beach
Love
Grace
Cleo_Serapis
Oct 27 04, 05:18
frosted driveway
signals start of Winter's Day
in late October
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