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Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Poetry Forums > Poetry Education -> Karnak Crossing

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Cybele

Apr 26 04, 08:10

Dear Cleo and Alan,

Yes, this actually happened one misty morning when I was driving across the Blackdown Hills in Somerset.

He was so beautiful and frightened - and I was just frightened, and then mesmerized.

We stayed that way for about 3 or 4 minutes before he scented mum and went wobbling off to her. One of those exquisite moments you never forget.
Love

Grace

Cybele

May 8 04, 08:31

childhood's summer days;
lemonade and cherry jam
on thick, buttered toast!

Grace

JustDaniel

Jun 9 04, 05:02

QUOTE (Cybele @ May 08 2004, 08:31)

childhood's summer days;
lemonade and cherry jam
on thick, buttered toast!

Grace

May such thought never sit unnoticed for so long, Grace... lest the children get food poisoning!

hiking and wading
endless days, no desk, no school
at Point Defiance

deLightedly, Daniel

Cybele

Jul 4 04, 03:44

a golden meadow
dappled with blood red poppies
a skylark rises

Grace

JustDaniel

Jul 4 04, 05:12

Hi, Grace!

a heavy waking

lightened by colorful words;

inspiration dawns

much Lighter, Daniel

Cybele

Jul 11 04, 02:28

A sight remembered from my youth

Harold loves Kathleen
etched in this ancient tree trunk;
transient promise.

Incidentally Daniel, I believe that haiku about people is called renyu. Is that correct?

JustDaniel

Jul 11 04, 04:07

a dubious factoid out of nowhere:

senryu, methinks
is unseasonal haiku...
at least in my book

... but my book's unread
for fear that in publishing
I'd find that I'm wrong

JustDaniel

Jul 11 04, 04:20

... and a little faux-ku:

ill winds

seasons come and go
but garlic stays forever
on unwary breath

heartsong7

Jul 17 04, 19:37

My Haiku rhyme...is that permitted?

Flutters

Golden butterfly
fans spring flowers with her sigh
as she flutters by.

JustDaniel

Jul 18 04, 01:58

for haiku purists, rhyme, titles, complete sentences are faux pas. Haiku is a glimpse, includes seasons and passage of time and has a break after either first or second line.

All that is my impression from reading various sites.

My faux-ku, however, require word play and a title ( with word play included in it as well! ) and care not whether other poetic devices are used. I'm a renegade.

In true haiku, however, yours might say something like this (I think):

golden butterfly
fanned spring flowers sigh
heart flutters

Lightly caring lest I lead someone 'astray' ... Daniel

heartsong7

Jul 19 04, 13:07

Thanks for the info. Daniel...I'm no purest...so will go for your faux-ku. I like that.

Fireflies

Sultry summer night
fireflies flicker fiery light
fill us with delight

JustDaniel

Jul 20 04, 03:35

hmmm...

Well, that noe does not meet the muster of faux-ku, I'm afraid. Word-play is ESSENTIAL in the body and the title. Its originator insists!

Methinks your "fiery" is redundant and your last line is a bit mundane? Rhyme in three short lines could be a bit cutesy also, don't you think? Probably why most wirters shun it. Believe me, I love rhyme, especially with metrical pieces, but it doesn't bode well usually in free or form pieces, usually.

Here's another attempt at true haiku:

ivy tendrils reach
greeting warmer skies;
honeysuckle twines

© Daniel J Ricketts 20 July 2004

heartsong7

Jul 20 04, 07:13

Daniel...

QUOTE

Rhyme in three short lines could be a bit cutesy also, don't you think? Probably why most wirters shun it.

I really appreciate that honest appraisal...it's the most truly knowledgeable input I've had.
Thank you :pharoah2
Sue

heartsong7

Jul 20 04, 08:07

its harder not to rhyme. :wall:

sultry summer night
tiny fireflies flicker by
like stardust sprinkles

JustDaniel

Jul 20 04, 11:58

I think you're right!

Again, I ain't no expert, but I think removing simile in L2 would be more haiku... and give duality in the process:

stardust sprinkles [ thus referring to the actual stars and to the butterflies ]

Now here's a faux-ku, just to chuckle at... with a bit of the haiku flavor, methinks:

fleet purchase

Mercury plunges
lapping up Nike wing-tips;
spring sale afoot

© Daniel J Ricketts 20 July 2004

heartsong7

Jul 20 04, 13:31

Daniel...good one :pharoah2 I really like your Faux-ku.
you have a sharp wit to pull it off so well.

re: the fireflies...I wondered about the simile even as I wrote it. How about this way...

sultry summer nights
flirting fireflies flicker by
sprinkling stardust lights

egads!..it still rhymes! :speechless:
oh well...that's it for now.
gotta go.
Seeya,
Sue

JustDaniel

Jul 20 04, 13:47

Thank you, Sue. I love the faux-ku form... but then it IS my own. :)

As to your rhyming line, the 'lights' is unnecessary, and if you look further at my suggestion, you'll find that 'sprinkles' there is both a noun and a verb, thus the duality.

You do NOT have to have 5 syllables. The American "rule" is 5-7-5 or LESS. And the better rule is probably 2 beats / 3 beats / 2 beats. Make sense?

sharin' what Light I have, Daniel :sun:

heartsong7

Jul 20 04, 14:19

QUOTE

You do NOT have to have 5 syllables. The American "rule" is 5-7-5 or LESS. And the better rule is probably 2 beats / 3 beats / 2 beats

.
Ahh so, I see, says she.
I did not know that. That sheds a whole new light for me. :sun:
Thanks muchly.
Sue

hot summer night
flirty fireflies flicker by
stardust sprinkles

starlight sprinkles
sparkling sliver sprays at night
moon shines high beams

moon beams
light dancing
ripplets

heartsong7

Jul 20 04, 14:34

two vines intertwine
berries plant a juicy kiss
on each budding rose

heartsong7

Jul 23 04, 12:15

songs of love-drunk frogs
echo throughout swampy woods
as night pulls dark shades

JustDaniel

Jul 27 04, 03:43

Allow me to edit:

QUOTE (heartsong7 @ July 23 2004, 12:15)

songs of love-drunk frogs
echo throughout swampy woods;
night pulls dark shades

How's that, Susan? [ though I think 'through' would be better, personally. ]

Think of two related, simultaneous snapshots rather than one continuous thought. K?

deLightingly, Daniel

Cybele

Jul 27 04, 04:19

Hi Daniel and heartsongs7. :wave:

What a wonderful class going on here! I am learning along with you heartsong. You have a great teacher here in Daniel.

darting a bright eye,
newborn fawn clings to mother;
strange visions, wide world

Love

Grace

JustDaniel

Jul 27 04, 12:47

You're too kind, Grace... and I sure ain't no teacher o' that fancy high-coo! I'm larnin' 'long with th' rest o' ye!

QUOTE

darting a bright eye,
newborn fawn clings to mother;
strange visions, wide world

I think your last line needs some clarification, but it is poignant.

As to the other two lines, someone has suggested that the key to the pace (my own term for it; not sure what else to call it) of haiku is the feet: 2-3-2 rather than the syllables. Your syllable count is perfect, of course, but I THINK the feet in this as it stands now might be 2(?)-3 or 4-2. [ I get lost with unevern steps, so forgive me. I'm afraid that my stepping on those branches has scared the poor fawn away!

There are many ways you may tighten up the feet [ not with boots! ] but maybe something like this?

bright eye darting,
doe's newborn clings...

deLighting to be in school with you, Daniel

Cybele

Jul 27 04, 15:33

Hi Daniel,

First two lines sound much better

bright eye darting,
doe's newborn clings...

how about...

bright eye darting,
doe's newborn clings...
strange, wide world

I love this form and would really like to master it.

Love

Grace

heartsong7

Aug 11 04, 23:03

haiku? based on a favorite saying.

sole crushed violet
fragrance lingers after death
perfect forgiveness

Cybele

Aug 13 04, 08:41

on the lily pad,
patiently awaiting lunch;
our resident frog

Cybele

Sep 16 04, 10:13

Haiku for Autumn

summer slips away
hidden by autumn mist
unseen, unnoticed

exhausted sunflowers
droop and nod dejectedly
cooling autumn sun

gentle ripples kiss
shrouded river bank;
autumnal stroll

Zeus²

Sep 16 04, 10:50

Unloved but Beautiful

Dandelion seeds
a geodesic delight
drifting in the wind.

Cybele

Sep 17 04, 02:37

HALLOWEEN HAIKU

:ghostface:

rustle of leaves
hobgoblins stirring
Halloween;

witch riding broomstick
silhouetted by the moon
black cat rides shotgun

knock at the door
children ‘trick or treating’
or real ghoul? Shiver!

in the graveyard
wind plays hide and seek
between headstones

:oops: :alien: :medusa:

Cleo_Serapis

Sep 17 04, 05:25

Thanks Grace - we shall use both sets of Haiku for our Autumn book!

HUGS!
~Cleo

Hey LAr - do you have some you'd like us to use?

Cleo_Serapis

Sep 18 04, 07:30

QUOTE (Cybele @ Sep. 16 2004, 11:13)

Haiku for Autumn

summer slips away
hidden by autumn mist
unseen, unnoticed

exhausted sunflowers
droop and nod dejectedly
cooling autumn sun

gentle ripples kiss
shrouded river bank;
autumnal stroll

Hello Grace!

I was re-reading your pretty haiku this morning and there seems to be some gaps in the syllabic count? I wouldn't normally critique here in Karnak, however, since these will be published in our Autumn chapbook, we want the form to be proper.

Traditional Haiku should have 17 syllables in a 5/7/5 arrangement.

Can you revise these so they fit the form?

An offering to T or T for ya Grace:

(5) summer slips away
(6) hidden by autumn mist
(5) unseen, unnoticed

How about:
summer slips away
secreted by autumn mist
unseen, unnoticed
?
I found another version you posted that fits:
summer slips away
hidden by autumnal mist
unseen, unnoticed

(6) exhausted sunflowers
(7) droop and nod dejectedly
(5) cooling autumn sun

How about:
fatigued sunflowers
droop and nod dejectedly
cooling autumn sun
?

(5) gentle ripples kiss
(5) shrouded river bank;
(4) autumnal stroll

How about:
gentle ripples kiss
shrouded river bank; <<<< need 2 more syllables here...
autumnal strolling
?

I've found some additional posts here in this forum for Haiku that I will post next and ask if we can use as well...
Stay tuned!
Cheers. :pharoah2

Cleo_Serapis

Sep 18 04, 07:35

QUOTE (Just Daniel @ Nov. 03 2003, 03:39)

fall of dignity

trees refuse to leave;
they’ll cast costume to the wind,
stand stark, arms outstretched

© Daniel J Ricketts 03 Nov 2003

Hello Daniel!

May we gain your permission to use this Haiku of yours in our Autumn "Through the Seasons" chapbook?

Awaiting your reply!

~Cleo

Cleo_Serapis

Sep 18 04, 07:36

QUOTE (Alan @ Nov. 02 2003, 14:02)

WASTE, OR WAIST ?

Hallowe'en's over:
Trick is with leftover treats,
Wouldn't want to waist .....

Alan Mcalpine Douglas

Hello Alan!

May we gain your permission to use this Haiku of yours in our Autumn "Through the Seasons" chapbook?

Awaiting your reply!

~Cleo

Cleo_Serapis

Sep 18 04, 07:41

QUOTE (Just Daniel @ Nov. 06 2003, 15:15)

fall beclouds

shadowing daylight,
then reigning o’er noon’s parade,
what be fall’s clouds? mist?

befogging our daze,
they loft, leave a cirrusly
cumulous affect

feigning memories
their wisp a ring in silence
as they diminish

leaving trees baring
shivering limbs with trunks packed,
but nowhere to go.

© Daniel J Ricketts 04 Oct 2003

Hello Daniel!

May we gain your permission to use these Haiku of yours in our Autumn "Through the Seasons" chapbook?

Awaiting your reply!

~Cleo

Cleo_Serapis

Sep 18 04, 07:56

QUOTE (Cybele @ Sep. 17 2004, 03:37)

HALLOWEEN HAIKU

rustle of leaves
hobgoblins stirring
Halloween;

witch riding broomstick
silhouetted by the moon
black cat rides shotgun

knock at the door
children ‘trick or treating’
or real ghoul? Shiver!

in the graveyard
wind plays hide and seek
between headstones

Hello again Grace!

I was re-reading your Halloween haiku this morning and there seems to be some gaps in the syllabic count? I wouldn't normally critique here in Karnak, however, since these will be published in our Autumn chapbook, we want the form to be proper.

Traditional Haiku should have 17 syllables in a 5/7/5 arrangement.

Can you revise these so they fit the form?

(4) rustle of leaves
(5) hobgoblins stirring
(3) Halloween;
How about:
rustle of fall's leaves
hobgoblins stirring afoot
on this: Halloween
?

(5) witch riding broomstick
(7) silhouetted by the moon
(5) black cat rides shotgun

AWESOME! Love this one!! :pharoah2

(4) knock at the door
(6) children ‘trick or treating’
(5) or real ghoul? Shiver!
How about:
a knock at the door
children come 'trick or treating'
or real ghoul? Shiver!
?

(4) in the graveyard
(5) wind plays hide and seek
(4) between headstones
How about:
in the still graveyard
swirling winds play hide and seek
rousing hushed headstones
?

Sep 18 04, 19:27

Dear Cleo,

You have my permission.

Love
Alan

Cybele

Sep 19 04, 02:16

Good morning Lori :cheer:

Hello Grace!

QUOTE
I was re-reading your pretty haiku this morning and there seems to be some gaps in the syllabic count? I wouldn't normally critique here in Karnak, however, since these will be published in our Autumn chapbook, we want the form to be proper.

Traditional Haiku should have 17 syllables in a 5/7/5 arrangement
.

I have been studying haiku quite seriously of late and there are so many rules. Everyone has a different opinion about the form a haiku should take. Some say it should consist of 5-7-5 syllables, (now seldom used by serious 'haikuists' ), some say 17 syllables on three lines, or 17 syllables or less in total ~ yet others state a count of 2-3-2.

Most people now agree that all extraneous words like 'of' 'and' etc should not be used as they detract from the pure picture. I always wrote in 5-7-5 until I read the work of the great master Basho, the originator of the haiku form. Examples of his beautiful work...

Ill on a journey;
my dreams wander
over a withered moor.

The leeks
newly washed white,-
how cold it is!

Winter rain
falls on the cow-shed;
a cock crows.

Example of modern haiku

under the
magnifying glass
a ladybird's tears

Published modern haiku

plum blossoms falling
the gardner softly singing
in my father's tongue

Sandra Fuhringer

two lines in the water . . .
not a word between
father and son

Randy M. Brooks

gentle rain . . .
the leaf mold's sweet smell
rising with the mist

Donna A. Ryan

Lovely aren't they? Seems the only rule they share is two lines constituing one thought and the other a second thought different but connected.

Having finally found my way in Haiku I am loathe to change them to fit a pattern Lori, but I shall understand if you prefer not to use them. No offence taken whatsoever. :dance: :laugh:

Love

Grace

Cybele

Sep 19 04, 02:45

rosy-hued dusk;
across the pond
swan wings settle

Cybele

Sep 19 04, 02:51

cock crow;
following the light
you quietly leave me

Cleo_Serapis

Sep 19 04, 09:10

QUOTE (Zeus² @ Sep. 16 2004, 11:50)

Unloved but Beautiful

Dandelion seeds
a geodesic delight
drifting in the wind.

Thanks Larry! :wizard:

Cleo_Serapis

Sep 19 04, 09:18

QUOTE (Alan @ Sep. 18 2004, 20:27)

Dear Cleo,

You have my permission.

Love
Alan

Thanks Alan!

Cleo_Serapis

Sep 19 04, 09:22

QUOTE (Cybele @ Sep. 19 2004, 03:16)

[b]Good morning Lori

Hello Grace!

QUOTE

I was re-reading your pretty haiku this morning and there seems to be some gaps in the syllabic count? I wouldn't normally critique here in Karnak, however, since these will be published in our Autumn chapbook, we want the form to be proper.

Traditional Haiku should have 17 syllables in a 5/7/5 arrangement

.

I have been studying haiku quite seriously of late and there are so many rules. Everyone has a different opinion about the form a haiku should take. Some say it should consist of 5-7-5 syllables, (now seldom used by serious 'haikuists' ), some say 17 syllables on three lines, or 17 syllables or less in total ~ yet others state a count of 2-3-2.

Most people now agree that all extraneous words like 'of' 'and' etc should not be used as they detract from the pure picture. I always wrote in 5-7-5 until I read the work of the great master Basho, the originator of the haiku form. Examples of his beautiful work...

Ill on a journey;
my dreams wander
over a withered moor.

The leeks
newly washed white,-
how cold it is!

Winter rain
falls on the cow-shed;
a cock crows.

Example of modern haiku

under the
magnifying glass
a ladybird's tears

Published modern haiku

plum blossoms falling
the gardner softly singing
in my father's tongue

Sandra Fuhringer

two lines in the water . . .
not a word between
father and son

Randy M. Brooks

gentle rain . . .
the leaf mold's sweet smell
rising with the mist

Donna A. Ryan

Lovely aren't they? Seems the only rule they share is two lines constituing one thought and the other a second thought different but connected.

Having finally found my way in Haiku I am loathe to change them to fit a pattern Lori, but I shall understand if you prefer not to use them. No offence taken whatsoever.

Love

Grace

Hi Grace!

Yes - these 'rules' seem quite confusing to me (which is why I seldom write haiku myself, LOL!)

I still am going to use your pieces 'cuz they are perfect and DO capture the thought you convey

for the season!

Thanks for your reply Grace!

HUGS!
~Cleo :pharoah2

Cybele

Sep 22 04, 01:37

The Potato Eaters by Van Gogh

quiet despair;
bathed in the glow
of Vincent’s love

JustDaniel

Sep 22 04, 06:09

All: Sorry I have not been around in a while. I've not written in over a week and may not be doing so for some time. Blessings to you all.

Lori: You may use the ones cited if you like. I hope you note that they fall into the category more of faux-ku, however.

Grace: I like your boldness and abandon.

line doubt

poets write on...
walls, paper scraps, tissue, wind;
rules be damned

Lightly, Daniel

Cybele

Sep 22 04, 06:47

Hello Daniel,

Well. I have really missed your great wit around here. I do hope that you are not ill again??

I love your faux-ku!

Thank you for the vote of confidence Daniel. I really do love writing haiku. Like everything Japanese, ikebana, painting, silk prints and gardens they have the pure beauty of simple lines which touch my heart.

I hope life is treating you kindly.

Love

Grace

JustDaniel

Sep 22 04, 09:32

ah, do you dis Grace me, calling my senryu a faux-ku... without a title?

Should I have called it "line doubt" ?

half-width

humor lives on
but half my cranium;
which do I think wit?

© M Lee Dickens’ son 22 Sept 2004

deLightingly, Daniel :sun:

Cybele

Sep 22 04, 11:29

Hi Daniel :dance: :jester:

Not ill then? Good. Should I have said fauxsenryu then my friend? Never saw you use that one. Can hardly read that light blue font Daniel. I tried it once but it was a wash out

You had me perturbed when you said you may not be writing for some time. I thought the dreaded lurgy had got you. :medusa: but I needn't have worried, you immediately bounced back in your own inimitable way.

Keep 'em coming Daniel. They are like a ray of sunshine whatever you choose to call them. :sun: :sun:

You write them ~ I'll read them. What a team!!

:dance: :dance:

Love

Grace

JustDaniel

Sep 22 04, 18:13

Well, Grace...

actually for the past week I have been quite sick with some kind of virus or something that has really laid me low. I shouldn't have attended drill this weekend and have missed work the past three days. I expect to return tomorrow... for two days, and then we're going on a week's vacation!

I'd had annual training for two weeks and was at a convention for work the following week before returning to work for a week before I got sick. But I've had a general malaise for several months now, and I've simply been unable to focus to seriously write for any extended period of time... or to read either. It's s concentration and focus thing. I'm just kind of scattered. Does that make sense?

Thank you for 'missing' me and for commenting on my little ditties. Here's another faux-ku I wrote the other day after solving a newspaper puzzle... from a clue. Thought it might give you a sniggle:

just a ny minute

something n chanting
in señorita’s wiggle ~
savor her tilde

© M Lee Dickens’ son 20 Sept 2004

snigglin' Lightly, Daniel

Cybele

Sep 23 04, 00:42

Good morning Dañiel,

Sounds like you have been having a high old time. Did your mother never tell you to keep away from rough soldiers, you never know what you might pick up !! (Spoken by an ex woman soldier

). Where there are groups, there are squiggly germs too.

Sorry to hear that you have been laid low, but it doesn’t seem to have affected your sense of humour thank goodness.
Great fauxku Daniel – very clever (over here tilde is also the name brand of rice – over there too?) I don’t get the answer to the clue though Daniel ??, but then it is 6.15am here.

I am off to Torquay for the day, ( a seaside resort on the South Devon Coast of England). I am hoping to indulge my hobby of photography. Any good pictures I get I post on my website.

If you have an idle moment sometime you might like to have a look ?

Get well soon

Love

Grace

http://mysite.wanadoo-members.co.uk/U3AHighbridge

Cybele

Sep 23 04, 00:54

Lourdes grotto

stones polished
by supplicant pilgrims,
Mary smiles gently

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