Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Trois-par-Huit (Three-by-Eight) Octa-Tri

Full Version: Trois-par-Huit (Three-by-Eight) Octa-Tri

Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Poetry Forums > Poetry Education -> Karnak Crossing

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AMETHYST

Oct 30 05, 09:50

THank you Lori,

It is a wonderful form of poetry! Perhaps one day our grandchildren will be reading in their english books on the Trois-par-Huit Form and about its creator.

I love this form... Wilma really did her share of devastation. It has been overwhelming. Although I am grateful that there weren't too many deaths, During the hurricane, our 911 calls were heartbreaking. It is so hard to hear someone petrified, sick or injured and not be able to get them help--however it is a great feeling to know that we are their only source of help, comfort or direction on getting safe assistance during a very horrifying experience.

Here's another 3x8 ...

No one's home

Whirling Gales,
debris sets sale-it flails
across a blackened night..what a fright-

but Heaven hovers over keeping us in sight,
through the eye of the storm, we see a future bright.

An elderly couple sits alone-
his wife has passed-don't phone
no one's home.

AMETHYST

Nov 5 05, 23:30

The silence
is more a consequence
of what has been sacrificed for gain,

too high to decipher the pleasure from the pain
and all too often it's regret that we maintain.

We traded what's dear to us; for play
and then we gave away
time to pray.

The silence
is more a consequence
of what we've lost for material gain,

so high; we can't decipher pleasure from the pain
and all too often it's regret that we maintain.

We traded what's dear to us; we pray
for growth then give away
our today.

Cleo_Serapis

Nov 7 05, 06:28

These are such poignant pieces Liz.

Each has its own distinct message - in such few words.

BRAVO!
~Cleo

Cleo_Serapis

Nov 13 05, 14:52

OK Rellie...

I've just written another one today - hope you like!

Traditions

Marketplace

adorned in powdered lace

windows welcome wide-eyed young and old

to join the warmth, partake of season’s festive hold

where small town merriment and heritage unfold

melodic spirited renditions

Winter’s compositions

Traditions

© Lorraine M Kanter 13 Nov 2005

AMETHYST

Nov 13 05, 15:08

Hey Lori,

Absolutely divine! The message is something that touched my heart deep inside, because I have been going through battle with myself of reaching back torwards family/home and traditions and your poem reminded me of how important and warming those things really are.

One suggestion. In L5; perhaps-

where small town merriment and heritage unfold

The reasons for my suggestion is that your title and final line are traditions and it would help to omit that near repeat, as well as allow the line to flow in one smooth motion for the meaning.

Well... A wonderful choice form for the message and a great big hug for the skill!

Hugs, Liz

AMETHYST

Nov 13 05, 15:12

These 3 final lines could be a poem within themselves...

melodic spirited renditions

Winter’s compositions

Traditions

Cleo_Serapis

Nov 13 05, 15:28

QUOTE (AMETHYST @ Nov. 13 2005, 15:08)

I'm glad I could bring some festivity into your heart today Liz.

Thanks ever so much! I've changed that line per your suggestion - I didn't even realize I had repeated the title word and that is a no-no really for this form.

I posted this one for crit as well and made the change there too thanks to you and your observant ways.

Thanks so much Liz and

~Cleo

AMETHYST

Nov 20 05, 16:24

A new Day

I believe;
that stars are quite naive
and the moon secretively espies

us from above; pale gray clouds against ebon skies
hide angels as they gather to decide who flies~

in dreams; we live long, love deep and pray
fam'ly unites to stay-
a new day!

Cleo_Serapis

Nov 20 05, 16:35

Breathtakingly beautious Liz!

This is so lovely and this part:

pale gray clouds against ebon skies
hide angels as they gather to decide who flies~

in dreams;

Superb!

~Cleo :pharoah2

AMETHYST

Nov 20 05, 18:27

QUOTE (Cleo_Serapis @ Nov. 20 2005, 16:35)

Breathtakingly beautious Liz!

This is so lovely and this part:

pale gray clouds against ebon skies
hide angels as they gather to decide who flies~

in dreams;

Superb!

~Cleo :pharoah2

Thank you Lori,

The form brings out the most inspired thougths. It has been so long since I've sat down at the computer, or with a pen and pad and wrote something that has had any substance. These forms of yours bring out that inspiration, with substance and depth. I enjoy reading them and writing them.

This will be an included poem in "Out of the Dark" ... What do ya think? ...

Cleo_Serapis

Nov 24 05, 08:43

Liz.

Your chapbook title is perfect!

You've inspired me to write!

Here's one I wrote this morning:

(Holiday) Potpourri

Scents entice;
simmered holiday spice
caramel, chocolate drizzled glaze

nutmeg, cinnamon, ginger: powdered-sugar craze
savory ciders, scintillating sweets amaze

dollops of whip cream jubilee
mouth-watering decree
potpourri

© Lorraine M Kanter 24 Nov 2005

edited L5 - was:
savory ciders, tarts, cookies, pies, breads amaze

AMETHYST

Dec 5 05, 21:42

Hey Lori,

Oh I am spending next Christmas with you...

You have a way of making scents and sounds, images and life come alive with words... HEre's one for my Cousin Joann, Tweedle as my mom nick named her when she was little and we've called her that ever since.

Memories
of younger days, we'd breeze
like winds in gentle rainstorms to grasp

the setting of the sun; we'd run, ready to clasp
a manic moment in time, our minutes would lapse

between distance and dreams we had shared.
Those adventures we dared;
neither feared.

Cleo_Serapis

Dec 6 05, 06:28

Liz - this is so beautiful - you've got the rhyme plus, the meter

AND you've built in assonance AND alloteratative devices in this short 8 line piece. WOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW! :pharoah2

This form looks great on you!

Enjoyed every word!

Lori

JustDaniel

Dec 23 05, 10:21

Note: Subsequent to posting this, I realized that I've written a few of these without regard for the Last line = title rule. Forgive me please, Lori. I corrected the description in P-V. I guess you didn't notice the error there?

gettin' through

paperwork
is what I’d often shirk
but it came back to overwhelm me

so now I use my days off, and I work for free,
but bit by bit the pile goes down; my desk I see

in new office, new computer too
where duty’s far less blue
gettin’ through

© Daniel J Ricketts 10 Oct 2005

Original title (in error):

trod par suite

JustDaniel

Sep 14 06, 13:38

distracted

one more day
ere I will taste cool spray
of ocean waves with a tinge of salt

escaping paling confines of this dingy vault
to allow end-of-summer sun my skin assault

so in that prospect I've redacted
these words, for I've acted
distracted

© MLee Dickens'son 13 Sept 2006

(original)

one more day
ere I will taste cool spray
of ocean waves with a tinge of salt

while escaping the confines of this dingy vault
to let the end-of-summer sun my skin assault

so in the meantime I’ve redacted
these words, for I've acted
distracted

Cleo_Serapis

Sep 15 06, 05:35

QUOTE (JustDaniel @ Sep 14 06, 14:38 )

distracted

one more day
ere I will taste cool spray
of ocean waves with a tinge of salt

while escaping the confines of this dingy vault
to let the end-of-summer sun my skin assault

so in the meantime I’ve redacted
these words, for I've acted
distracted

© MLee Dickens'son 13 Sept 2006

Hi Daniel.

An excellent Octa-Tri here! I can smell the ocean salt and feel the wind!

One suggestion: Are there other ways to replace those "the's" in this one to make every word count?

Cheers
~Cleo

JustDaniel

Sep 15 06, 06:51

Point taken, Lori.

I've posted a revision...

and I'll try to do better in that department.

the excess

the using
of the ‘the’ — abusing
the “pick-the-briefest” rule of the bard

is the most widespread, yea the hardest of the hard
of the poet’s habits that spread about the lard

in the volumes of the poor guy’s mess
in the which he’d suppress
the excess

© MLee Dickens’son 15 Sept 2006

Cleo_Serapis

Oct 21 07, 20:29

Here's an interesting thread I just found by googling my name,

http://www.thestarlitecafe.com/discus/mess...html?1153859780

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