Cleo_Serapis
Dec 5 04, 10:19
Hi all. 
I've just created this new poetic form today. I am dubbing it Trois-par-Huit (Three-by-Eight or Octa-Tri). It is a poem containing 8 lines, displayed visually with three stanzas of either tercet, tercet, couplet (3, 3, 2) OR tercet, couplet, tercet (3, 2, 3) as follows;
1. The title is also the final line.
The line length requirements:
Line 1 ~ 3 syllables
Line 2 ~ 6 syllables
Line 3 ~ 9 syllables
Lines 4 & 5 ~ 12 syllables
Line 6 ~ 9 syllables
Line 7 ~ 6 syllables
Line 8 ~ 3 syllables (is the title and summarizes the meaning of the poem)
The rhyme scheme requirements:
Line 1. A
Line 2. A
Line 3. B
Line 4. B
Line 5. B
Line 6. C
Line 7. C
Line 8. C
Give it a try!
~Cleo 
UPDATE: Daniel has dubbed the form: Trois-par-Huit (Three-by-Eight) and I've just changed the stanza alignment to 3/2/3 as well....
Nature's King
The firs rise
touching star-twinkled skies
standing vigil o’er evening’s glow
wrapped in sparkling charms of glitter gold, ashen snow
embraces kisses of crimson berries below
where silvery cherubs dance and sing
…symbols of joy to bring
Nature’s King.
© 2004 Lorraine M Kanter
JustDaniel
Dec 6 04, 00:33
Dear Cleo:
I love your significant variation of a
Huitain, and this specific piece is sparkling! I'd only suggest a semi-colon after 'gold' or capitalizing 'Wrapped' -- to avoid a run-on.
~ ~ ~
May I please offer a suggestion for a name for this new form, since I think that yours is somewhat misleading...
Since
trimeter in poetry specifically refers to
meter (
three feet per line)...
and since
Huitain is a French verse-form coming from the 15th and early 16th Centuries - an eight-line stanza with 8 or 10 syllables in each line, often iambic. Very similar to yours, it was written with three rhymes, but one utilized four times, and there were a number of rhyme schemes, like ababbcbc and abbaacac, and
Un huitain enlace, or
an enclosed huitain which had a rhyme scheme of aabaabcc...
and since you vary from the typical iambic feet, I'd suggest you call your
Huitain variation something like:
"Trois-par-Huit" or
"Three-by-Eight"respecting your Light, Daniel
Trois-par-Huit
Two tercets
piece with single couplet
to constitute an eight-line verse-form
graduating from three to twelve ticks… to perform
a pirouette, descending back to three… in warm
inter-rhymes that describe and repeat
its title in one sweet
Trois-par-Huit
© Daniel J Ricketts 06 Dec 2004
P.S.[ Post Switch ] It is too late to re-align my stanzas in this piece, since a stanza break there (after line 5) wouldn't make much sense. Sorry, Lori. I just have to leave this one alone.
Cleo_Serapis
Dec 6 04, 04:44
Hello Daniel!
That is an excellent suggestion for the name of this new form! I will use it ~ thankies so much!
Will edit the title of this thread now....
Your addition is TRULY
"one sweet
Trois-par-Huit"
Thanks so much!
~Cleo
Ref: MB !-204 AB
Copyright.
To all - NB The syllable count works for me - but I pronounce things strangely. If you're not happy I'll set the bugs on you.
Hi Lori, Daniel (Thanks Daniel!) et al...
http://www.bbc.co.uk/cult/ilove/tv/quatermass/
The invaders' embryos were stuck deep under London streets in their UFO - which escaped detection when crashing through the pavements because it was thought to be a ear-time bomb. (I hope I have that right!). The snow is my addition. The key to the Quatermass sci-fi is that these aliens are actually a different thread from our ancestors who developed differently. They look like ants but might even be our uncles. Wwwwhhhoooo...
Prof Bernard Quatermass and his discoveries gripped Britain's new tv audience of the 1950s/60s. The link, above has clips and lots of Quatermass junkie stuff.
This was terrible to post - the words kept eeriely disappearing. What you see is actually a picture-link to my web site. But I'll try posting again direct via text on ikonboard (where this was created).
James.
JustDaniel
Dec 6 04, 07:52
Whew!
I'm so pleased that you took my suggestion, LorII... since I had already introduced it in my one-form-per-day (30 day) challnge in Poetic Voices! I did, however, simply indicate that the title was under review. Now I can just say that's what it is!
Here's another one for you:
Silliness
When you do
whatever you want to
for once not concerned what
your associates may think of your humor, but
enjoying new discovery – yet not to strut –
you will find it to relieve much stress
surprise them you possess
~ silliness ~
© MLee Dickens’son 06 Dec 2004
P.S. I see before I even posted this, you'd posted yours while I was editing, James! I'm not much of a science fiction reader, so I suppose you'll fill us all in on your UK phenom, the Quatermass.
Nice tight piece with neat variation of including the title at both beginning and end.
deLightingly, Daniel
I thought I'd give this a try!
~A Snowfall~
Flakes a-twirl
sparkled prisms a-swirl
a filmy veil of crystalline white
creates a panaroma of Winter's delight
to reflect shimmers in the aura of sunlight
shocking beauty from a gem so small
to hold the eye enthral
A snowfall
Cleo_Serapis
Dec 6 04, 19:09
QUOTE (Jox @ Dec. 06 2004, 07:29)
Ref: MB !-204 AB
Copyright.
To all - NB The syllable count works for me - but I pronounce things strangely. If you're not happy I'll set the bugs on you.
Hi Lori, Daniel (Thanks Daniel!) et al...
http://www.bbc.co.uk/cult/ilove/tv/quatermass/
The invaders' embryos were stuck deep under London streets in their UFO - which escaped detection when crashing through the pavements because it was thought to be a ear-time bomb. (I hope I have that right!). The snow is my addition. The key to the Quatermass sci-fi is that these aliens are actually a different thread from our ancestors who developed differently. They look like ants but might even be our uncles. Wwwwhhhoooo...
Prof Bernard Quatermass and his discoveries gripped Britain's new tv audience of the 1950s/60s. The link, above has clips and lots of Quatermass junkie stuff.
This was terrible to post - the words kept eeriely disappearing. What you see is actually a picture-link to my web site. But I'll try posting again direct via text on ikonboard (where this was created).
James. I love it James!
Both your subject matter and your poem! :lovie:
Nice job!
~Cleo :cloud9:
Cleo_Serapis
Dec 6 04, 19:11
QUOTE (Just Daniel @ Dec. 06 2004, 07:52)
Whew!
I'm so pleased that you took my suggestion, LorII... since I had already introduced it in my one-form-per-day (30 day) challnge in Poetic Voices! I did, however, simply indicate that the title was under review. Now I can just say that's what it is!
Here's another one for you:
Silliness
When you do
whatever you want to
for once not concerned what
your associates may think of your humor, but
enjoying new discovery – yet not to strut –
you will find it to relieve much stress
surprise them you possess
~ silliness ~
© MLee Dickens’son 06 Dec 2004
P.S. I see before I even posted this, you'd posted yours while I was editing, James! I'm not much of a science fiction reader, so I suppose you'll fill us all in on your UK phenom, the Quatermass.
Nice tight piece with neat variation of including the title at both beginning and end.
deLightingly, Daniel Simply EXCELLENT Daniel! :smart:
I look forward to reading more - it's all in the word choices to express oneself's thoughts...
COOL! :cool: :chilly:
Cleo_Serapis
Dec 6 04, 19:13
QUOTE (larrysgirl5548 @ Dec. 06 2004, 14:14)
I thought I'd give this a try!
~A Snowfall~
Flakes a-twirl
sparkled prisms a-swirl
a filmy veil of crystalline white
creates a panaroma of Winter's delight
to reflect shimmers in the aura of sunlight
shocking beauty from a gem so small
to hold the eye enthral
A snowfall STUNNING Cathy! :snowflake:
I've offered you a crit in Homer's as well.... What a neat piece to get one in the mood for snow (and it's snowing here right now)...
I look forward to reading more of this form from you...
Cheers! 
~Cleo :cloud9:
Thanks Lori.
Just thought I'd dabble....
I saw your specifications for the form and thought it looked crazily complex, so I, naturally, couldn't resist. Well done on another new form. You should consider more and then publishing a book with your various new forms in and some examples. LM Kanter's Poetic Approaches for 21stC - or some better title. Idea is serious, though.
See you later.
J.
Thanks, I've used your suggestions, it really made a difference.
I'm working on another one but it's not ready yet. It's got me stumped! 
Cathy :holly: :dove:
Oh my... This is so wonderful! Lori, you know how much I enjoy Rictameter's and Cinquains and still, various forms that play with rhyme and meter...but what I like about this is the twist of the ending line, summarizing the poem and becoming the title. Excellent inclusion of params....
Let's see what I come up with...
SHOOTING STARS
In twilight,
the swirl of night takes flight,
stars glissade across a gassy skies..
A spectacle of solar beams slope then arise
disquised in spiralled streams that glide and mesmerize
I sit beneath this stage on my car
in glee, I watch--a far
Shooting Stars.
Hey Lori,
Would you mind If I spread your name around, with the form and an invitation to visit Mosaic Musings to check this out? ... And would you be so kind as to post this and hte other Kanter Poetry Forms to Poetry 911--in the Training Forum. I would rather the members use it as a serious form of poetry to practice and grow with it.
With enough use, it might be a house hold name, like Cinquains and the such...
Another thing... is there a way to document this with the Library of Congress? ... to make sure that you will always be noted as the inventor?? ... Oh I am excited about your new forms.
Best to you! Liz
Cleo_Serapis
Dec 7 04, 05:23
QUOTE (AMETHYST @ Dec. 07 2004, 03:00)
Oh my... This is so wonderful! Lori, you know how much I enjoy Rictameter's and Cinquains and still, various forms that play with rhyme and meter...but what I like about this is the twist of the ending line, summarizing the poem and becoming the title. Excellent inclusion of params....
Let's see what I come up with...
SHOOTING STARS
In twilight,
the swirl of night takes flight,
stars glissade across a gassy skies..
A spectacle of solar beams slope then arise
disquised in spiralled streams that glide and mesmerize
I sit beneath this stage on my car
in glee, I watch--a far
Shooting Stars.
Hi Liz!
I KNEW you'd like this one! 
Just one teensy nit: S2 should be 3 lines then S2 only 2....
BUT actually I like the change more - so I will change that in the form to writer choice - either 3/2/3 or 3/3/2 for layout..... :pharoah2
A lovely piece - all the posts are very acute here which is so exciting for this new form!
HUGS!
Cleo 
Lori... far from me with forms and all that, but...
Why not leave the verses flexible? You have specified syllables and lines and rhymes... by leaving the verse organisation flexible you will allow more"takes" on the form, without altering the fundementals of sound , etc.
Just a thought ... as you can see, my flying saucer shape combined into just the one verse.
Your form, your choice.
Tata, J.
Cleo_Serapis
Dec 7 04, 06:22
QUOTE (Jox @ Dec. 07 2004, 06:20)
Lori... far from me with forms and all that, but...
Why not leave the verses flexible? You have specified syllables and lines and rhymes... by leaving the verse organisation flexible you will allow more"takes" on the form, without altering the fundementals of sound , etc.
Just a thought ... as you can see, my flying saucer shape combined into just the one verse.
Your form, your choice.
Tata, J.
YES- good idea Liz and James!
Writer can use either 3/3/2 OR 3/2/3 for the layout....
Cool! :snowflake:
:dance:
Cleo 
Cleo_Serapis
Dec 7 04, 12:38
QUOTE (AMETHYST @ Dec. 07 2004, 03:23)
Hey Lori,
Would you mind If I spread your name around, with the form and an invitation to visit Mosaic Musings to check this out? ... And would you be so kind as to post this and hte other Kanter Poetry Forms to Poetry 911--in the Training Forum. I would rather the members use it as a serious form of poetry to practice and grow with it.
With enough use, it might be a house hold name, like Cinquains and the such...
Another thing... is there a way to document this with the Library of Congress? ... to make sure that you will always be noted as the inventor?? ... Oh I am excited about your new forms.
Best to you! Liz
Hi Liz! :reindeer:
I'd be honored to post my forms at your site for learning exercises! :cool:
Of course any invitations to MM are appreciated as well! :dove:
Hmmmm - I will check into your query about LOC - good idea!
HUGS!
~Cleo
Hi Daniel,
Sorry! I've tried really hard to translate this and failed. Would you please be kind enough to offer a translation so my poor brain can follow it?
Thanks in anticipation, James.
QUOTE
Posted on Dec. 07 2004, 14:01
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I hope that recent discussion does not imply that serious poetry has to be formal, sombre, fancy-ruffled or 'serious'.
Well Daniel, Serious means that at the very least, the poem should make sense and be readable. I find that [b]LORI'S] new endeavor's of creating poetry forms fall under serious, as to be taken on with a true desire to learn the form as one would a Sonnet, A Villinelle, or any other established form.
Lori, I am so sorry that was an error in stanza breaks... will fix it!
Hugs and great job on these! Liz
Good Morning Daniel,
I popped back here looking for your kind translation. However, no only has it is it not there but also the original post has disappeared! (It was immediately above my request). Did you remove it or is there a technical glitch? We seem to have an outbreak of disappearing posts - must be the weather.
Seriously, though, I was hoping to see what you meant - so if you did remove it would you please consider re-posting and just helping me to understand... I would like to.
I hope I didn't upset you in any way - certainly didn't mean to. I wasn't being sarcastic or anything like that; I genuinely couldn't understand it, I'm afraid (people often ask me to explain my work too). I have always read your work and was simply asking for an explanation - nothing more. I promise.
Thanks, James.
JustDaniel
Dec 8 04, 09:35
Thank you, James.
I assure you that nothing that you said upset me in any way. Both your comments and silence elsewhere convinced me that my attempt at an extremely important subject that I teach almost daily to my clients did NOT communicate seriously at all in the vernacular in which I'd originally composed it. Honestly, I was simply embarrassed by it ( not your comments or request! )... and that some seem to think that I was just trivializing Cleo's form right from the start! Nothing could be further from reality, so I just wanted to remove something that I now see could be interpreted in that way. I'm truly sorry for that, because that could not be further from my intent. I simply dismally failed in my first draft AND stirred things unintentionally. I do hope you see that if I thought "Three-by-Eight" were a trivial form, I certainly wouldn't have gone to the trouble of offering a more accurate title-suggestion for it... or given a partial description of the form with a piece written in its (original) form! I'm afraid that I again stumbled over my own stupid tongue, and believe me, it hurts!
Therefore I thought it best merely to eliminate the first try to at least assuage some inkling of the doubt. I here offer another try. I'm not sure that this accomplishes my goal either, but at least it's in plain standard American speech until the end. I hope that "Suh" is understood as Americana "Sir" and that the variant of pro bono is also acceptible in the vernacular of the closing tercet. "Gonna" among my clients is now a by-word, so it is essential if I'm going to accomplish this in Trois-par-Huit... which I may or may not be able to do. And there aren't many rhyme choices for "Gonna"... so I'm just gonna try again.
So... please be assured that I always appreciate your input, especially when you're right to the point. And know that your words on this were HELPful... not HURTful. Thanks IMMENSELY.
You’re Gonna
Most folks think
choice one’s Do ~ choice two’s Wink
Wink fogs eyes to plain facts; Do ’s a Must
Bubble-blowing dreams of denial bloom… then bust
unmasking horrific harm ‘neath avoidance-dust
You’ll find “…Or Not” won’t work pro bona
“Just Do it!” choice warns… “Suh…
You’re Gonna!”
© Daniel J Ricketts 08 Dec 2004
P.S. to Cleo:
Honestly, I do like the original tercet, tercet, couplet more. I think it is consistent with introducing a new rhyme in the prior stanza throughout that way. It also give a smidgen of the flavor of the summary couplet of a sonnet.
Of course I bow to your choice, as you see in my offering here... but I'd really be interested in knowing why you made the change in the division. It almost looks to me in the present format that line three's rhyme could be viewed as a mistake. I'll be very interested in discovering what went into your decision... and may I say that I'd love to see you reverse it!
But I ain't arguin'! I love the form, whatever you do with it, and I'd love to be able to play with it (in the serious sense of that word, of course) right along with you.
P.P.S. 
OOPS!!! I see that I misunderstood your "as well" to mean that that was the change you made as well... namely to 3 2 3, but I see (from seeing now the change in the text ABOVE it, that you've made it optional! I fully agree with that. 
I'd totally missed the earlier posts by Liz and James, suggesting the option, since I'd returned to the tile after there was a second page, and I continued from there without looking back, except to your initial post.
Reading is a gigantic hurdle for me, Lori. 
Please forgive my slowness! I'm really trying... and I know that it sometimes makes me trying to folks! I don't even have to try for that to happen, it seems. 
Respectfully always. You KNOW that I think you're a writing genius!
Hugs and a sigh, Daniel
Hi Daniel,
Thank you very much for returning with your work - though a translation would have been fine, rather than a complete re-write.
Thanks also for the explanations; much appreciated.
My silence, by the way, as far as it said anything, only said "I don't understand." Nothing more.
And, last but not least (as they say) - thank you very much for your kind comments; much appreciated.
I have to say that I'm a little sad that you should be embarrassed. I really think there is nothing wrong with experimentation - some of my work is a long way from any convention; you are far closer, with your exploration for forms and so on. I strongly feel (and I hope and believe that all on MM would agree on this, at least) that experimentation and pushing boundaries in art - including literature - is vital if we are to make new contributions. You and I push those boundaries very differently - but we are both pushing and that is nothing at all to be embarrassed about; quite the contrary. Indeed, by inventing new forms, Lori is pushing, too.
Just for the record - I am in almost complete ignorance about the names for most poetry forms (perhaps excluding Swampy Q. - because he's a pal of mine). So I have not been following the debate on the naming of forms. I left that to those people - Lori, yourself and others - who know about these things and have an opinion to express.
Also, to me you have not failed - neither dismally, nor in any other way - at anything of which I'm aware. The only thing I might suggest is not to beat yourself up - you don't deserve it!
I can see that you would probably prefer not to display your original poem, along with the "translated" version - but, if you should change your mind, it would be interesting to see them together. Just because something is in a language one can't understand does not make it invalid. (I think somewhere on MM I posted some Welsh verse - I simply provided an English translation along-side). The thing is, even if one cannot understand the words, there usually is a discernable sound pattern and - as we know - poetry is about many things but its sound is one of the more important ones.
Anyway, to sum-up; I'm very pleased you re-posted; I'm very pleased I didn't upset you (and thank you for your comments) and I would also be pleased if you realised that, in posting that verse, you did nothing wrong. An explanation / translation was its only deficiency.
Best wishes, James.
JustDaniel
Dec 8 04, 11:28
Thank you for your much needed, encouraging words, my friend. I'd meant in my explanation for the removal that the silence elsewhere - not from you - convince me that I was totally out in left field in thinking that what I was saying was clear. It certainly was clear to me, but that is ONLY because the CONCEPT is in MY mind. The ART comes in translating that into some kind of communicable something-or-other. My first attempt did not do that, and we'll see if the second one comes any closer. Please feel free to visit it again in the "Complex Critique" forum... where I seldom have ventured of late, but returned, at least to wrestle with this one... and I fully realize that I may have to wrest it into another form.
Whatever the case, rest assured that I will return with something here, probably an attempt at something more soothing, as this form certainly offers that kind of opportunity!
deLighting in your understanding words, Daniel :sun:
Cleo_Serapis
Dec 9 04, 17:33
Christmas Tree
Lights aglow;
silver tinsel to throw
serenading ornamental shades
of a satin emerald and ruby parade
mingling with silhouettes of aged crystal cascade
Snowmen, Pixies and Angels to see
Atop the wise men three…
Christmas Tree
© 2004 Lorraine M Kanter
AMETHYST
Dec 11 04, 03:06
As Truth Dies
When justice
leads others to entice
the lesser creed to proclaim their goals
and praise the passing of such gentle and kind souls
acclaiming all the heartless are bearer's of woes
I fear that Lady Liberty cries
Her torch blown out by sighs
as Truth dies
Hi Lori - commented on your fine piece in the crit thread. Well done.
Hi Liz... This had me much interested, Must have read it twenty times...
I'm sure it is a very accurate 3x8 but it flows well and the words have absolutly fascinated me.
This isn't a crit forum so but I don't have a lit crit point to make - it's fine.
I was interested in the certainty with which you wrote this. I use poetry to praise, to criticise, to search for human values (heck that sounds terribly pompous, sorry!) in other words, I have few certainties - then mostly negative ones (I don't accept this and that etc).
You use poetry - here at least - to proclaim your certainty with a confidence in something I simply don't have. This poem has bold statements, the type of which I wouldn't dare make. It is a personal credo - or, at least, a window on one - of powerful magnitude. It uses rueful sadness to support one stance and knock another down. It really is very skilful, indeed.
I find it fascinating how you link creed and liberty; the religious and the political - we both do that, from opposite perspectives.
I take one strongly political point - that liberty allows attacks upon liberty. How do democracies democratically protect democracy? Can they?
I was unsure if "lesser creeds" - we could debate that one! referred to Islam or Atheism - or both (it was plural). (I am assuming this from a Christian perspective because, if my mind serves me right (!!!) I think I have see you write as a Christian previously - sorry if I'm wrong.
This is a really-well worked argument. If I have understood it (and I am uncertain about that) then I deeply disagree with it. That supports the excellence of the poetry - you have brilliantly encapsulated so much in such a short time - in form, too!
I really enjoyed reading this, Liz and (again, if I am right) it is absolutely brilliant to see someone address some of the issues which I try to - from a very different perspective. In that sense, at least, I hope you don't mind if I say I find us soul-mates. Such issues deserve debating and poetry is an excellent medium.
Thanks you for this - really very good indeed.
James.
Darkness Creeps
Darkness slinks
horizon’s forty winks
eager to devour the long day.
A single star adorns western sky, seeming gay
to greet the nocturnal moon. She is on her way
to illuminate the dimming deep.
Clouds cloak her glowing peeps,
Darkness creeps
AMETHYST
Dec 24 04, 23:39
QUOTE
Hi Lori - commented on your fine piece in the crit thread. Well done.
Hi Liz... This had me much interested, Must have read it twenty times...
I'm sure it is a very accurate 3x8 but it flows well and the words have absolutly fascinated me.
This isn't a crit forum so but I don't have a lit crit point to make - it's fine.
I was interested in the certainty with which you wrote this. I use poetry to praise, to criticise, to search for human values (heck that sounds terribly pompous, sorry!) in other words, I have few certainties - then mostly negative ones (I don't accept this and that etc).
You use poetry - here at least - to proclaim your certainty with a confidence in something I simply don't have. This poem has bold statements, the type of which I wouldn't dare make. It is a personal credo - or, at least, a window on one - of powerful magnitude. It uses rueful sadness to support one stance and knock another down. It really is very skilful, indeed.
I find it fascinating how you link creed and liberty; the religious and the political - we both do that, from opposite perspectives.
I take one strongly political point - that liberty allows attacks upon liberty. How do democracies democratically protect democracy? Can they?
I was unsure if "lesser creeds" - we could debate that one! referred to Islam or Atheism - or both (it was plural). (I am assuming this from a Christian perspective because, if my mind serves me right (!!!) I think I have see you write as a Christian previously - sorry if I'm wrong.
This is a really-well worked argument. If I have understood it (and I am uncertain about that) then I deeply disagree with it. That supports the excellence of the poetry - you have brilliantly encapsulated so much in such a short time - in form, too!
I really enjoyed reading this, Liz and (again, if I am right) it is absolutely brilliant to see someone address some of the issues which I try to - from a very different perspective. In that sense, at least, I hope you don't mind if I say I find us soul-mates. Such issues deserve debating and poetry is an excellent medium.
Thanks you for this - really very good indeed.
James.
Hi James,
I apologize for the delay in reading your response and getting my reply posted. I've been so busy with Christmas running around! 
Thank you for the amazing compliment on my convictions and the way I write. The poem at hand, didn't really have a religious tilt, or even a political tilt... actually it wasnt about Iran, war, or even the 911 incident at all. Lately, I've been noticing society in general--good people get over looked, and underminded, while those that do wrong or live in such a way that the create heartache for others (leaving their pieces for others to pick up) seem to get rewarded these days. However, the unfortunate thing is I had not seen the strong underlying meanings of religious/political and social intent... I agree that poetry is a magnificent release for our views and expressions of todays issues that aren't often discussed in full.
I'm at work right now and will be back again...would appreciate if you point me in the direction of some of your work that expresses these issues too!
Hugs, Liz...
Happy Holidays!
As Truth Dies
When justice
leads others to entice
the lesser creed to proclaim their goals
and praise the passing of such gentle and kind souls
acclaiming all the heartless are bearer's of woes
I fear that Lady Liberty cries
Her torch blown out by sighs
as Truth dies
AMETHYST
Dec 24 04, 23:40
God is Free
Each Christmas,
we buy, spend, owe...alas
the meaning of this magical day
vanishes beneath a years worth of bills to pay.
Some families are too distant they never stay
together. Let's discover the glee
of giving gracefully,
God is free.
Cleo_Serapis
Dec 31 04, 10:21
Tee hee! How tue Liz!
I'd like to think of times (as Butch has written in his poems) when the "commercialism" didn't exst. Families and friends coming together to share in the joy of their faith. It's always been special for me to receive handmade/homemade gifts, delight in a potluck buffet, where each visitor brings a food item to the table and we all mingle and jingle :) together and celebrate!
Happy Holidays!
Lori :pharoah2
AMETHYST
Dec 31 04, 12:19
QUOTE (Cleo_Serapis @ Dec. 31 2004, 10:21)
Tee hee! How tue Liz!
I'd like to think of times (as Butch has written in his poems) when the "commercialism" didn't exst. Families and friends coming together to share in the joy of their faith. It's always been special for me to receive handmade/homemade gifts, delight in a potluck buffet, where each visitor brings a food item to the table and we all mingle and jingle :) together and celebrate!
Happy Holidays!
Lori :pharoah2
Lauren’s Eyes
I was blind,
So lost among unkind
and hopeless happenings till you came
I spent the years searching for someone I could blame,
“it wasn’t I, not me-I know” is what I’d claim…
Too often, I turned from truth, seeking lies
Till I saw, by surprise;
Lauren’s eyes.
Cleo_Serapis
Dec 31 04, 13:08
How beautiful Liz!
Me eyes is a-waterin here!
Bravo!
Lori :pharoah2
A Kind Hand
Scotch tape holds
the make-shift window folds
on the cardboard box that he calls home.
With summer slumbering, he spends the winter alone,
he's never lonely; within a world of his own.
Inside resides a fairy tale land
where kings help the poor man,
a kind hand.
Cleo_Serapis
Aug 27 05, 12:58
Working on the Hepta Crown Challenge, I've chosen the topic below.
Part I of Public Transportation in America (1830's)
Omnibus
Unpadded,
these vehicles added
a means to travel cobblestone streets.
A coach for twelve, though not comfy, did have bench seats;
one in twenty five sought out these daily repeats
making this mode, not worth all the fuss.
instead, a public cuss...
Omnibus
© Lorraine M Kanter 27 Aug 2005
Cleo_Serapis
Aug 27 05, 13:19
Working on the Hepta Crown Challenge, I've chosen the topic below.
Part II of Public Transportation in America (1850's)
The Horsecar
Thoroughfares
welcomed these cheaper fares
with capacity more than double
twice the speed on friction-less railed pavement stubble
forcing Omnibus to secondary trouble
with its inside room, better by far
and ridership on par…
The Horsecar
© Lorraine M Kanter 27 Aug 2005
Cleo_Serapis
Sep 9 05, 05:13
QUOTE (AMETHYST @ Jan. 01 2005, 06:42)
A Kind Hand
Scotch tape holds
the make-shift window folds
on the cardboard box that he calls home.
With summer slumbering, he spends the winter alone,
he's never lonely; within a world of his own.
Inside resides a fairy tale land
where kings help the poor man,
a kind hand.
I didn't realize you were providing links to your work in your showcase until I moused over your titles and it brought me here.
I simply love this poem! :lovie:
This form is so restrictive yet you've still managed to put the right elements of a homeless person's home nad make it a poignant piece. :claps:
Well done!
~Cleo :cloud9:
AMETHYST
Oct 11 05, 20:12
Thanks Lori,
Sorry I hadn't noticed this reply. I want to make some adjustments to the last one, instead of 'A kind hand' I think, with kind hand. would be more powerful.
I love this form...it is one of my most favorites!
Homeward Bound
What keeps me
here is security
I'm so unsure where I want to be
The sacrifice of bills now paid has been too high,
my fam'ly, friends and familiar ways-long gone by
so if one day I am not around
just know that I'll be found
homeward bound.
This one will need a little work in time to come, just wanted to get something going and bump up this thread!
AMETHYST
Oct 11 05, 20:37
A Blank Slate
Starting out
a new; no ounce of doubt
to shadow these silent silhouettes
of yesterday. They dance about in pirouettes
across my mind, reminding me of those regrets
I've left behind; I'll not contemplate
slow steps to recreate
a blank slate.
Cleo_Serapis
Oct 18 05, 16:54
QUOTE (AMETHYST @ Oct. 11 2005, 21:12)
Thanks Lori,
Sorry I hadn't noticed this reply. I want to make some adjustments to the last one, instead of 'A kind hand' I think, with kind hand. would be more powerful.
I love this form...it is one of my most favorites!
Homeward Bound
What keeps me
here is security
I'm so unsure where I want to be
The sacrifice of bills now paid has been too high,
my fam'ly, friends and familiar ways-long gone by
so if one day I am not around
just know that I'll be found
homeward bound.
This one will need a little work in time to come, just wanted to get something going and bump up this thread!
Hi Liz.
What a good feeling piece! Tis but one teensy issue and that is in the rhyme scheme: this form requires the rhyming pattern of AAB BBC CC.
In your piece, you've followed an AAA BB CCC scheme.
So, we'll a slight tweak to the last word in L3.
I'm so unsure where I want to be
We need a rhyme for 'high' there.
I'm unsure of things, I wonder why....
Well - just a start for you...
Enjoyed this poem and the sentiments behind it. :cloud9:
~Cleo :sun:
Cleo_Serapis
Oct 18 05, 16:56
QUOTE (AMETHYST @ Oct. 11 2005, 21:37)
A Blank Slate
Starting out
a new; no ounce of doubt
to shadow these silent silhouettes
of yesterday. They dance about in pirouettes
across my mind, reminding me of those regrets
I've left behind; I'll not contemplate
slow steps to recreate
a blank slate.
A PUUUURRFFFECT Piece Liz! :pharoah2
Well done - and I like a blank slate - always makes me feel I can conquer anything....
HUGS
~Cleo :odie:
AMETHYST
Oct 21 05, 21:27
Hey Lori,
Good suggestion! I will either go with that or cry. Let me know from below which is most benefical to the poem.
I understand the original params were aab bb ccc but I originally did aaa bb ccc and you said it could be an alternative in the params. Either way, your suggestion actually leads the wording toward a more important tensity in meaning than what I have already. I am still going lto do further revisions on these. I would like to include some of these in the chapbook. :dance:
Homeward Bound
What keeps me
here is security,
I'm still so unsure...I wonder why;
The sacrifice of bills now paid has been too high,
my fam'ly, friends and familiar ways-long gone by
so if one day I am not around
just know that I'll be found
homeward bound.
or
Homeward Bound
What keeps me
here is security
but fear still has a hold on me...Why?
The sacrifice of bills now paid has been too high,
my fam'ly, friends and familiar ways-long gone by
so if one day I am not around
just know that I'll be found
homeward bound.
AMETHYST
Oct 21 05, 21:53
QUOTE (Cleo_Serapis @ Oct. 18 2005, 17:56)
QUOTE (AMETHYST @ Oct. 11 2005, 21:37)
A Blank Slate
Starting out
a new; no ounce of doubt
to shadow these silent silhouettes
of yesterday. They dance about in pirouettes
across my mind, reminding me of those regrets
I've left behind; I'll not contemplate
slow steps to recreate
a blank slate.
A PUUUURRFFFECT Piece Liz! :pharoah2
Well done - and I like a blank slate - always makes me feel I can conquer anything....
HUGS
~Cleo 
This is one of my most favorite, if not THE most favorite forms. I enjoy the possibilities it offers for the rhymes, and idea it gives me as I contemplate the form and the variations in the line lengths help to adjust a strong tone of voice.
Hugs, Liz
Cleo_Serapis
Oct 22 05, 08:07
Hi Liz.
I think I like this version a tad more of your two:
Homeward Bound
What keeps me
here is security
but fear still has a hold on me...Why?
The sacrifice of bills now paid has been too high,
my fam'ly, friends and familiar ways-long gone by
so if one day I am not around
just know that I'll be found
homeward bound.
Cleo_Serapis
Oct 22 05, 08:08
You could also say:
What keeps me
here is security,
I'm still uncertain...I wonder why;
OR
I still hesitate...I wonder why;
The sacrifice of bills now paid has been too high,
my fam'ly, friends and familiar ways-long gone by
so if one day I am not around
just know that I'll be found
homeward bound.
:pharoah2
AMETHYST
Oct 22 05, 16:19
Hey Lori, I rather like this one most too. With perhaps a tiny tweak that helps L1 and L2 to make more sense or connect better with what L3 is bringing to light for the reader.
Perhaps:
QUOTE
I'm still uncertain...I wonder why;
Homeward Bound
What keeps me
here...is security
I'm so uncertain; I wonder why?
The sacrifice of bills now paid has been too high,
my fam'ly, friends and familiar ways-long gone by
so come the day I am not around
rest assure--I'll be found
homeward bound.
Cleo_Serapis
Oct 22 05, 17:10
Yes - I this latest one Liz.
Well done! 
~Cleo 
AMETHYST
Oct 22 05, 21:20
Thanks Lori.
:sun: You brighten my day (ok and my nights being it is 10 pm....) LOL
Big Hugs, Liz ... (Do you think this will fit into the chapbook theme I spoke of?)
Cleo_Serapis
Oct 23 05, 06:38
Hi Liz. :sun:
Thanks so much! It's now the a.m. for me (7:36). :upside: :oops: :laugh:
Oh YES, this is a perfect one to go with your theme in mind for the chapbook! I am writing a response to you now....
One more thought on that revised line:
QUOTE
I'm so uncertain; I wonder why?
If you didn't want that pause, you might also say:
I'm so uncertain and wonder why?
Tee hee - just another option for you. :detective:
TTYL
Lori :pharoah2
AMETHYST
Oct 25 05, 17:41
Hurricane
'Swoooshing' sounds
surround us; rain pelts-pounds.
The window pane buckles; bends to break.
This monster lurks beyond the blackness, just to make
a mark upon subconscious minds, to steal...create
an aweful sense of dread and doom...shame
begins to loom-a name
hurricane.
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