Hello there Daniel nd Grace

Your verses have me fascinated -- tugging my heart strings and making me smile.  :cloud9:

I must say this form does appeal to me -- intriguing at times. I don't think I can ever keep up with you two, but you are keeping my interest.


Thanks for your suggestions Daniel -- much improved. I think I was pronouncing `layers' as one syllable as some people do -- but I usually don't. it's the punctuation I feel a bit lost with -- then I always am

Here's one I wrote after reading about Grace's walk

my favourite walk:
by a stream beneath the trees;
sit to contemplate


See you soon

Snow

So good to see you thinkin' and feelin' in here along with us, Snow!

deLightful Snowfall
drifting wherever she may;
sparkles for dawning

Now, as to your struggles with punctuation... and your thought-provoking piece...

contemplate a stream
interrupted by beavers;
dammed punctuation

sharin' deLight, Daniel  

Good Morning Eisa,  

QUOTE

my favourite walk:
by a stream beneath the trees;
sit to contemplate

Oh that punctruation Eisa, don't I know about that??  NO !!
No, but seriously, I have gradually learned that serious haiku writers don't bother with punctuation these days relying on the wording to indicate the break between two separate thoughts.

Having said that, I am still so new to this that I don't always have the confidence to leave out at least a semi-colon.

As Daniel says, Haiku should be written so that the whole thing can be read aloud in one breath.

If like me, while learning you need the prop of a semi-colon, make sure that it separates your two dis-similar, but linked thoughts. So your lovely piece would read.

QUOTE

my favourite walk
by a stream beneath the trees;
sit to contemplate

The only other point I would make Eisa, is that the picture you present should ALWAYS be in the present and leave something for the reader to work out. For your last line therefore, how about...

my favourite walk
by a stream beneath the trees;
deep reflection

This last line now conveys your mood as well as linking itself to the stream.

Just a thought, Chuck or choose.

Daniel's reply of course is brilliant. Not only does his wit put a smile on your face, it also encourages you to keep writing.    



Love

Grace

Hey, y'all...

This is poor, but my mind is drifting back to bed. I'd fallen asleep in the living room, woke up to take meds and go to bed, and now they're kicking in...



nighters!  - Daniel  

Hi Sleepy head  

QUOTE

clear Caribbean
on sea bed in diving bell;
deep reflection

Sounds like a presage of my forthcoming holiday in Jamaica Daniel, but I'm no diving belle, although I can't wait to go snorkelling on the reefs.

I'd fallen asleep in the living room, woke up to take meds and go to bed,

Doesn't that always get you? Over here if you are admitted to hospital, apart from being ill, you are generally very tired and just when you have fallen into a peaceful sleep ~ they wake you up to give you a sleeping pill.        

Love

Grace

did Jamaica cake
to send off your holiday?
belles still knead to wring!

... darn, and I can't even swim the length of a pool!  I'd have to have my grandsons' swimmies or a life jacket to join ya!

now...

dive into another before you fly off!

deLightingly, Daniel  :sun:

Hi Daniel,

Not off till 14th December!. This is a Christmas holiday. We return on New Year’s Eve ~ leaving Jamaica at 11.45pm (which means, unfortunately we will cross five time zones, so we will have to celebrate New Year 6 times.  :oops:  I don’t think I need worry about jet lag.

Meanwhile:

new neighbour
superglued to a power tool
buy new ear plugs

Love

Grace

QUOTE

new neighbour
superglued to a power tool
buy new ear plugs

on house and garage
implant surround sound speakers;
scare with raceway tapes

Hi Daniel,

on house and garage
implant surround sound speakers;
scare with raceway tapes  

Can you enlighten me? What are raceway tapes?

rousing 1812
wearing my marigold gloves
conducting the bells

Love

Grace

Raceway tapes would be sounds from a race track:  racing cars or motorcycles... as though they were flying through the space between your property and your neighbor's.  That ought bring him out to see who's disturbin' his power toolin'!

I'll be back to comment on your SUPERB senryu, Grace...

we're off to see Ray

deLightingly, Daniel

Thanks for the explanation Daniel.

Happily this was fictitious, I have very quiet neighbours.  

hot-air balloon
how hushed the spring morning
peopled by ants

Love


Grace

ah, Grace...  now you're shaming me with REAL senryu!  Wonderful job.

My mind is presently a bit fuddled.  I cannot picture anything so uniquely at the moment.

I'll be back... but for now, back to bed.

deLightingly, Daniel  :sun:

Hello Daniel,

Hope you are feeling a little brighter.

The hot air balloon one was easy.  It was a wedding anniversary present from Ralph.  He had a dread of flying and wouldn't ascend, but followed us in the car. That year it rained every single day of May and on 1st and 2nd June.

I dreaded waking on the morning of the 3rd.  The flight was at 6.30am.
When I drew back the curtains the sun was shining brilliantly!     I shall never forget the experience. After we had landed it started raining again and on the next day, and for the rest of that week. we had torrential rain! Talk about serendipity.    

moonlit Greek beach,
performing Zorba’s dance
carousing husband

Love

Grace

hmmm

Not sure that I fully understand this one, Grace.  Could you clarify the picture for me?  Sounds like someone's husband is contemplating crossing the line?

husband breathtaken;
mooning on South Jersey beach
caught with his pants up

re the wonderful balloon portrayal, it's certainly more than hot air (though I'm bettin' it was, up there... even if it was cold!).

good Ralph didn't shout
"to the moon, Grace;to the moon!"
with you crammed in there

Honeymooning Lightly, Daniel  :sun:

P.S.  If you don't know of Jackie Gleason, you may need an explanation?

Hello Daniel,

Ralph and I spent many wonderful holidays on the Greek islands.

'Zorba the Greek' was a very famous film starring Anthony Quinn, who performed Zorba's dance on the beach after having 'taken drink'.

When we visited the island of Kos we celebrated a wedding anniversary. It was the night of the full moon or as the Greeks say ,luna fengari. (that might not be the correct spelling because I have only heard it spoken and not seen it written down.)

Ralph, who was a great fan of Quinn decided to entertain me wih his own version of Zorba's dance. It was early evening so we weren't yet too inebriated. We finished up rolling in the sand laughing our heads off. Wonderful memory!


good Ralph didn't shout
"to the moon, Grace;to the moon!"
with you crammed in there

I have heard of Jackie Gleason. Wasn't he a child star in silent movies who became a comedian?  We seem to be starting a school of movie memorabilia  here don't we? But you need to enlighten me on the reference in this piece please.

Love

Grace

Sounds like you had a wonderful time, Grace! YOUR Ralph was very different from the Jackie Gleason character Ralph Cramden in "The Honeymooners"

http://concise.britannica.com/ebc/article?tocId=9365679

QUOTE

Jackie Gleason

born Feb. 26, 1916, Brooklyn, N.Y., U.S.
died June 24, 1987, Fort Lauderdale, Fla.

U.S. comedian and actor.

orig. Herbert John Gleason  He performed in carnivals and nightclubs and later played minor roles in films and on the stage. He achieved success in the television comedy series Cavalcade of Stars (1950–52), The Jackie Gleason Show (1952–59, 1961–70), and The Honeymooners (1955–56), which centred on his most beloved character, bus driver Ralph Kramden. He starred on Broadway in Take Me Along (1959, Tony Award) and received acclaim for his screen performances in The Hustler (1961), Requiem for a Heavyweight (1962), and Soldier in the Rain (1963). He later was featured in Smokey and the Bandit (1977) and its sequels (1980, 1983).

One of his famous outbursts to his wife during their frequent 'arguments' was "To the Moon, Alice' to the moon!" with his fist held 'threateningly.'  Of course he never launched her!  

Perhaps now you understand what I crammed in to my little senryu?  



Here's one that occurred to me last evening in a National Alliance for the Mentally Ill training:

treatment adherence:
never suture self; not just
Band-Aids that stick

sLightly sterile, Daniel  :sun:

Hello Daniel,

Thank you for the info on Jackie Gleason. I seem to remember him as a very large bluff, dark-haired man. Never saw him act but I think I remember seeing a documentary about him, but that must have been about 20 years ago.

QUOTE

treatment adherence:
never suture self; not just
Band-Aids that stick

Very sobering one Daniel, especially after my inebriated one!

I have been having trouble getting onlne over the past 24 hours. I have just changed over to Broadband and sometimes it goes off for hours at a time. The good side thought is that is about 500 times faster than dial-up.

This one is seasonal and fictitious

virgin snow;
glancing back at my footprints
I am sorry

Toodle pip

Grace

Hmmm  

Maybe there's a message there?  "Broad Banned" ?  

Now you're senryu...  I love it!  Excellent, vivid picture.  Darn close to a haiku, but definitely a senryu.  The best kind, methinks.

Maybe this will tell ya somethin' about why I've been so scarce of late:

brown stuff comin' out
has stuck-to-the-ribs flavor;
much too phlegm-boyant

sLightly sick, Daniel  :ghostface:

Good morning Daniel,

QUOTE

brown stuff comin' out
has stuck-to-the-ribs flavor;
much too phlegm-boyant

Yuck! Too much information Daniel!!  :rofl:
Still, as we say over here "Better out, than in."  :jester:

This one is a happy childhood memory

summer journey home
the deep contented silence
measured by milestones

Love

Grace

Hey, Grace...

I hope you'll forgive me for this, since your piece has a beautiful taste of nostalgia... but it stirred somehow in me (mused by the word-play on summer) that evil muse that so detests the stay-behind Canada Geese!

few fly far; fetid fall

some’re journeying…
yet leave great gaggles… behind-
barking out bilestones

© MLee Dickens’son 27 Nov 2004

sLightly choking, Daniel  :sun:

Hi Daniel,

QUOTE

some’re journeying…
yet leave great gaggles… behind-
barking out bilestones

Good to see you back and this is up to your usual excellent standard, but to use your expression...darn! isn't this supposed to be senryu, not faux-ku?

How about a serious piece that I can reply to? Your faux-ku are far too clever for me and certainly not my forte.

Over to you for senryu.            Huh? that rhymes  :speechless:
unintentional, not conventional.

Love

Grace

<font color='#000000'>:cheer: Thanks for the prod, Grace... and for your visit over yonder too!

I knew it was a faux-ku... but also a legit (though a bit low-life) senryu if you note that the Canada Geese [ Use your imagination; the dragon is the closest Cleo has given us! ] are flying away with it, leaving a not-so-innocent senryu for you.

But... I just wrote this... and interrupted myself in the process to print it and fly out the door to give it to her... as she heads back to PA to be with her groom of 8 months, carrying a 7-week surprise she discovered a few weeks ago!



by de Light o' de watermelon, Grampa Daniel  </font>

Good morning Daniel,

unplanned daughter dear
with sweet raspberry-sized child;
another surprise

I am so glad you caught her before she returned home. I am sure she will treasure this for her child - quite beautiful.

I too was an unplanned child I have found out. It doesn’t seem to have done me any harm. It’s what happens after you are born that counts isn’t it?  But on the other hand, I don’t really believe in accidents. I think there is a purpose for everything.

last of the breadcrumbs
fine feathered friends sail away;
alone with my fear

Love

Grace

I've read this several times, Grace, and the last line doesn't seem just right.  It feels to me like it should say "I'm alone with fear" or "I'm with fear, alone" or "I'm in fear, alone."  Whatcha think?

poem lies alone
without a single visit;
does it ponder Why?

© MLee Dickens’son 01 Dec 2004

Hello Daniel,

QUOTE

I've read this several times, Grace, and the last line doesn't seem just right.  It feels to me like it should say "I'm alone with fear" or "I'm with fear, alone" or "I'm in fear, alone."  Whatcha think?

last of the breadcrumbs
fine feathered friends sail away;
alone, with my fear

This another divide thing Daniel. This is a perfectly normal English phrase. It wouldn't sound right to my ears to use any of your helpful alternatives. Have included a comma in the last line which might help with the interpretation.

Love

Grace

Hi Daniel,

Here is the one you thought you had read, but in fact I only wrote it three days ago.  

summer romance;
all that remains on the beach,
a wilting red rose


Love

Grace

Well, I do think you wrote something like it somewhere... or I coalesced a couple of your previous poems in my mind somehow!  Anyway... I love the intrigue and softness in this one. It ain't wiltin' fer sher!

I'll share my riposte here:

some 're romance...

and some 're not; ask petals ~ ~

so... wilt thou... or naught?


pluckin' Lightly, Daniel  

Hi Daniel,

Well, I don't know about you but I am running myself ragged at present, trying to do too many things before I go away.  

QUOTE

some 're romance...
and some 're not; ask petals;
so... wilt thou, or not?

Very clever.  Your last line sounds positively Shakespearian Daniel  

Love

Grace

my son shines his shoes
              on the backs of his trousers;
              first job interview

QUOTE (Cybele @ Dec. 03 2004, 07:56)

my son shines his shoes
              on the backs of his trousers;
              first job interview

Very graphic, Grace!  ... and believe me, I KNOW what you mean about tryin' to do too many things... but we is musin' pomes, ain't we!  Jest take yer time, Lady!  This thread ain't goin' no place.  It'll be here when ya gets back!  LorII ain't got tired o' us yet!

my wife's body talc
on the back of my trousers;
lost job interview

brushin' it off Lightly, Daniel  

Hi Daniel,

Still can't read that pale blue. Could you try another colour next time?


my wife's body talc
on the back of my trousers;
lost job interview


Swift and witty Daniel.  

This just happened as I look out of the window while listening to the radio.



the morning starts
pink clouds, black birds, fine morning;
another train crash


Off out again now, back later.


Love

Grace

QUOTE (Cybele @ Dec. 03 2004, 08:18)

the mo[u]rning starts[;]
pink clouds, black birds, fine morning[...]
another train crash

Very sad, Grace... that's why I listen to a light, uplifting local morning broadcast as I'm readying for work... where I oughta be headin' now!

ignoring my work,
it's about to arrest me;
I'd better catch up

© Daniel J Ricketts 03 Dec 2004

Headin' to the showers.  Catch ya tomorrow, maybe!

 Daniel  

wherever my face...

appears I'm dammed if I do

and damned if I don't

Hello Daniel,

Yes, I was tempted to put that 'u' in morning, but it would have pre-empted the shock of the last line.

ignoring my work,
it's about to arrest me;
I'd better catch up

Smug, smug ~ I am glad I no longer have that problem Daniel (age has to have some compensations ~ apart from free prescriptions for medicine ! )



wherever my face...
appears I'm dammed if I do
and damned if I don't

Explanation needed here Daniel, I have my stupid head on this morning.

Hello Daniel,

This is a revision. I originally posted it with too many syllable on the first line and have only just noticed it.



                darting dragonfly
               a blue speck on the rushes-
               twinkle in God’s eye

Greetings, dragonfly!

It's always refreshing to exchange with you, Grace. :)

Requested explanation:  I was feeling like sludge.  Sometimes my experimentation with form is seen as frivolous and demeaning, and I'd crossed a couple of good friends' boundaries (elsewhere), without meaning to do so... again!  It's how I FELT in the aftermath.  Sometimse feelings reflect reality, and sometimes they don't.  But when you find yourelf on the wrong side of a boundary, it's both intrusive to the other party and embarrassing to you.  Being shoved back over the line hurts, and FEELS like being shut out [dammed].  And the when the resulting feelings produce inaction through depression, you may end up feeling as though you've also been rejected [damned].  

Poets express their feelings.  Sometimes I have done that too freely... or too soon.  Once that's been done, it seems it can't be taken back; the damage is done. Maybe some day I'll learn.

As to your piece, it's wonderful!  I love the twinkle.  It's a great reminder.

Here's the other side of the story, using another of God's creatures more familiar to me to illustrate looking at life forgetting God's twinkling eye:

ducking in slime pit
may well smooth ruffled feathers…
but makes flying tough

© MLee Dickens’son 08 Dec 2004

tryin' to recapture deLight, Daniel  

Hello Daniel,

Goodness me! You musn't let the world get to you like that. I certainly don't feel that way about our exchanges here. Yours are very witty and that is your style.

My only concern is that if perhaps you put in the odd serious one in a different vein, then maybe my old brain would be sparked with inspiration as well.

Sometimes it is possible to reply in faux-ku, but it is not my forte (I'll leave that to the expert).

Pieces like the one about your unexpected daughter would probably give me something to bounce off.

All is well Daniel my friend.

ducking in slime pit
may well smooth ruffled feathers…
but makes flying tough


This is very funny (if somewhat messy ~ the sludge, not the haiku,     ) so you do what you are best at and I'll muddle along learning.  

learning's always fun
till someone pops your balloon;
frowns drown out a smile

send up another;
fill a grey sky with bubbles
to lilt dragonflies

bubbles rise above
hot air spouted by fools;
smile and rise

Thanks, Grace...

and it doesn't need to be a fool, either.  Even very wise or generally intelligent folk and otherwise sensitive persons can spout hot air betimes.  God knows I've had my share of heated words!

But let us pursue a different course now...

men and rivers wind
through paths of least resistance;
makes for some real crooks

ploddin' straight ahead, Lightly, Daniel  

Hi Daniel,

QUOTE

men and rivers wind
through paths of least resistance;
makes for some real crooks

Very deep, Daniel


                          a child’s crimson kite
                          trapped in a tall poplar;
                          winter blossom

QUOTE (Cybele @ Dec. 09 2004, 04:29)

Mornin' Grace!

a child’s crimson kite
trapped in a tall poplar;
winter blossom

Wavin' back!  

yellow kite's long tail
waving from greening apple;
Charlie Brown's spring bane

Lightly headin' back to bed, Daniel  :sun:

Hi Daniel.

yellow kite's long tail
waving from greening apple;
Charlie Brown's spring bane

Ah, Charlie Brown, my favourite cartoon with my absolute hero, SNOOPY!!!  


                                    sunshine on the pond;
                                my goldfish lip the surface
                                to swallow the warmth

I hope you'll forgive me for this one, Grace.

As you paint this picture of your fish pond and the open-mouthed visits of your fish (usually in recognition of your presence, expecting to be fed, or hopefully not gasping for exygen in a pond that needs aeration), I couldn't help but slip into this off-beat reflection as a riposte:

pond shimmers, golden;
check if it's sun's reflection
or you're in trouble
Lightly slippin' out, Daniel  

Hello, I'm following Cleo's suggestion for New Year and exploring the sights (sites?) of MM, and impressive they are.

I tentatively add my first senryu:

Revised 7th Jan 2005 (thank you, Grace):

The poet centres
her universe within words;
dinner burns again.

original:

The poet centres
her universe within words;
dinner is burnt again.

It's a joy just reading thru the tiles here. Thanks.
Fran

Hi Fran

What a lovely burnt offering this is. A clever self-referential (both in the sense of the poet and the verse-form) piece. If only King Alfred could have written thus.

Very humerous too - how so much can be (lunch)-packed into so little.

Also good to see "her" - we are so used to seeing male poet references... makes one think - good change.

I think your centralised universe is beautifully poised and well-worth some carbonisation. (Nice to be able to sacrifice some one else's meal!)

Well done - enjoyed this. James.

PS Glad you've found a new muse and that you're trying the various delights available for the poetic salad (hot food off menu for moment).

Muse it or lose it - and you've got it!

James.

Hi James,

Thank you for such kind encouragement.  

My new muse was a surprise discovery - awakened talent in a lost maid called Cinderella - since the incineration she has, alas, become Cinder, for short: that's why I'm now writing senryu.

As for the dinner, it was ruined; we had to get a takeaway instead - chicken tarka (like chicken tikka, only a little 'otter).

And some fruit cake for afterwards.

Cheers,
Fran

Good morning Fran,

Just back from my holiday and browsing around I come across this...

QUOTE

Hello, I'm following Cleo's suggestion for New Year and exploring the sights (sites?) of MM, and impressive they are.

I tentatively add my first senryu:



The poet centres
her universe within words;
dinner is burnt again.

It's great to see you here Fran, I hope you too will fall in love with Haiku/senryu as I have.

This is great with a delightful twist of comedy which made me laugh  

Just one tiny suggestion, the last line is one syllable long. Perhaps you could leave out the word 'is', and I think you'll find it will read even better.

Brilliant first attempt. I hope you stick around here and the Haiku tiles Fran.

fairy woodland:
hoar-frosted cobweb,
Titania’s lace veil

Welcome back from your holiday, Grace.  

Thank you for your comments on my attempt. I will have to practice my counting - no doubt my daughter (6) will take great delight in the fact that her mother is struggling with 5 and 7.

Is it a chilly shock to be back with icy cobwebs after the sun? (Although our cobwebs have been blown away overnight by the gales).  

A beautiful evocation of a still winter's woodland morning. These tiles are full of inspiration.

Thanks,
Fran