I love your irreverent smile,
unbeliever-man. And the way
your Godless hand slips beneath heaven
to proclaim it bare. Moses in the desert,
breaking plates, screwing rules.
Your I-don't-care song drips
from agnostic lips,
whispering do not pray—
and in some confession-halting way,
I feel angelic.

Dear Karen,

This is very sensual, and I can think of nothing I would have you change, except the title, which if it were mine, would be "BELIEVING", thus pointing up your, um, eventual conviction v. his lack of faith.

Love
Alan

Hello,

I really love how you end this..it's just perfect and really fitting. Your wording is great...everything just fits very well with the languid and sensual tone of the poem. I love:

Moses in the desert,
breaking plates, screwing rules.

I like Alan's suggestion about the title..I think it would fit really well.

Really enjoyed this xx

Hi Alan,

Thanks for the comments, I was trying out "another voice"
which doesn't hurt every now and then. I was turned down by
an editor the other day, and so I wrote a few poems that were
almost the opposite of what I generally write-- and he accepted them, lol.
So I guess it's good to be flexible. Yeah, the title has to go!

K

Hi Karen -

You always amaze me with your original and interesting writing, this one is no different. This reminds me of a Catholic school girl who has tossed aside the strict rules impressed upon her for many years by nuns for the love of a man. I really admire the way you string words together to convey the message.

Robin

Hi Karen!

I enjoyed this poem very much. It's sensual in a highly original fashion, and I like the way some of your lines have end-rhymes. Cool..

Oh dear, we do tend to fall for guys who think differently. Hope the MC doesn't try to convert him!

BTW, does 'Godless' need caps?

Thanks for sharing this piece,
Syl***

Hi Karen

I really love this one - you must try your 'other voice' more often - and yes, I suppose it is good to be flexible.

I also wondered whether Godless should have a capital letter. No nits on this one.

Great read

Snow

Karen, what a change up in writing, definitely use this other 'voice' at times, makes for an interesting poem, I would have left godless without the cap.

Take care
Steve

Hi Ephiny,

Thank you, I appreciate your comments.

K

Hi Karen.

Oooooh - I like this!

I enjoyed all your word choices and the imagery is really good. I'm not expert in FV poetry although I think the 'look' of this could be drawn out a bit for us readers to linger over more so if you were to add some white space. There are MANY memorable phrases - my suggestion would be to italize some of them - perhaps these 'key' ones?

I love your irreverent smile,
unbeliever-man. And the way
your Godless hand slips beneath heaven
to proclaim it bare. Moses in the desert,
breaking plates, screwing rules.
Your I-don't-care song drips
from agnostic lips,
whispering do not pray—
and in some confession-halting way,
I feel angelic.

Enjoyed,
~Cleo