Subliminal Dawn

It's said that night is darkest in
the hour before the light,
when demons come to play within your mind;
scratching through the memories
of now and yesterday,
scattering those thoughts once well defined.

For every ghost that whispers lies
in your subconscious ear,
intangibles dressed up in threads of fact;
there is an angel at your side
rendering the truth
discriminating actual from abstract.

Great battles rage in silence over
twisted truths and blurs
cunning ploys to lead your soul astray.
Worry and uncertainty,
imaginings and doubt;
follow from the darkness to your day.

Choices made subliminal
affect your conscious life.
Be sure to let the Angels
have their say.


© WW Schwim 9 January 2010

Wally, This feels really deep and maybe somewhat personal. I think I may have to print it out and read several times before I can say something more on this. I will be back.
Steve

Good morning Wally,
Ah, treacherous things, those long watches of the night, wherein dark thoughts chase each other round and round your skull, until they tumble into the black holes of paranoia and self doubt. Thank God for the angel of reason, who comes, bringing light, and hauls you out of the depths. This is a poem with which many readers will identify.
I was taken with a clever line, in V2, which can be read in two ways, depending on where one's mind places imaginary punctuation/pauses.

For, every ghost that whispers lies
in your subconscious ear,

For every ghost that whispers, lies
in your subconscious ear,

Both readings are true

I liked it!
Hugs, Leo

Hi Steve and Leo,

Thank you both for stopping by to read this sketch. Yes it happens to us all, waking in the night, in a panic attack.

Hugz,

Wally

Hey Wally,

I loved the content and thought provoking message of your poem but had a few problems with the "metrical read". I kept wanting to add a word here and there in my mind to smooth out the rhythm. My assumption was that you were going for a repetitive 4/3/5 pattern throughout the poem. At least I gathered that from the first 3 lines of S1 and S2.

Please don't take umbrage with my following suggestions because that is all they are. My thoughts on smoothing out the rhythm and a couple of grammatical errors.

4 It's said that night is darkest in 4
3 the hour before the light, 3
5 when demons come to play within your mind;(.) 5
3.5 (They’re) scratching through the memories 4
3 of now and yesterday, 3
4.5 (While) scattering those thoughts once well defined. 5

4 For every ghost that whispers lies 4
3 in your subconscious ear, 3
5 intangibles dressed up in threads of fact;(.) 5
4 (T) there is an angel at your side 4
2.5 (who’s) rendering the truth; 3
5.5 discriminating {actual} (certain) from abstract. 5

4.5 Great battles rage in silence over (o’er) 4
2.5 (those) twisted truths and blurs (blur) (battles rage---battles blur) 3
4.5 (their) cunning ploys to lead your soul astray. 5
3.5 (The worry) Worry and uncertainty, 4
3 imaginings and doubt; 3
4.5 (will) follow from the darkness to your day. 5

3.5 (The choices) Choices made subliminal 4
3 affect your conscious life. 3
3.5 Be sure to let the Angels (S2L4 no cap)have their say. 5
1.5 have their say. (add to L3 for penta continuity)


Again, Wally, these are merely suggestions based upon my possibly erroneous assumptions. Hope something in there helps.

Larry

Dear Larry,

Thank you for reading and going to the trouble of doing a scansion for me to dig out the hiccups. I really appreciate the effort spent and I will attend to those nits mentioned.

I wrote this in a couple of hours and against my usual habit, posted it immediately so I was expecting a few nits to emerge.

You are correct in your metric analysis. It is actually a 7/5/7/5 foot pattern (like a long line ballad) with the 7 beat lines split into 4/3 for aesthetics as is the last pentameter line. (I find long heptameter lines a tad imposing)

This is actually a very lyrical form, popular in many older country & western songs such as John Denver's "Me an Bobby McGee".

It is the line split which causes a problem sometimes. Usually this would be at the 8/6 syllables, BUT - when it occurs after an unstressed syllable, (Falling metre - 9 syl) the following line MUST begin stressed syllable (headless - 5 syl) to maintain iambic tempo with a total of 14 syllables.

Yes, I was guilty of using headless starts in some verses. I saw them but the lyricist in me liked them even as my poet half rejects these offences. I should have waited a few days when a tune is not buzzing in my head and fixed those parts.

Thanks for pointing out the bumpy bits, sometimes these elude me.

Cheers,

Wally

Hi Wally,

I thought that must have been what you were doing and am glad you may be able to use a few of my crits. I, however, love to write in hepta because I sometimes find it difficult to get all I want to say in 4 or 5 feet. The falling meter and headless lines still irk my poetic brain so I don't even try to write in that style.

I'm just old and set in my ways so to paraphrase a 60's phrase; "write on"!

Larry