Notes on Posting
This series is made up of 5 different meters; I’ve noted my intended flow above each piece. The original has already received workshopping, but it is repeated at the end. Others are also in that original thread, and some have been tweaked accordingly. The theme is intentionally similar.
ps - Brumal means winter.

Here is a link to JTB's original thread.




Brumal Solstice
Iambic
December snow lay all around
my Dawson City home;
it shrouded mountains, rivers, lakes,
and trailways back to Nome.

Our world was frozen bleak and stiff
from Whitehorse to Old Crow
so ravens, moose and caribou
set off for Mexico.

As darkness dallied, settled down,
it swallowed cheer and sun.
Cheechakos cursed this devil north,
its grip they couldn’t shun.

Then came the day out on the land
when heavens turned pale blue
and silent woods with white-clad pines
lit up like Manitou.

I heard a carol – could that be
what's coming from those hills?
One’s spirit soars as Solstice comes
amid these winter chills.



Cabin Fever
Anapest
There was snow to the roof of my cabin that year
and it covered up valleys and mountains.
Every trail was beneath several feet of the stuff;
nothing moved, not a hare nor the fool hens.

Deep darkness had settled; it wouldn’t let go
while the wind howled its chronic refrain.
Cheechako-men cursed but they couldn’t give up
this northland, their devil’s campaign.

Came the day when black heavens turned back to pale blue,
and I walked to relieve cabin strain;
big trees on the hills shone like old Manitou,
all a-glisten like warm summer rain.

Then the sound of a carol came floating on by,
maybe sung by a spirit somewhere
to announce once again that the time had arrived:
winter solstice will lift our despair.



Winter Solstice Arrives
Dactyl
Dawson is snow-covered bleakness; the city lies quiet and tranquil,
circled by white, sleeping mountains and lakes forming vast, open spaces,
frozen and resting in limbo. The forest is shelter for darkness;
sunshine has vanished, forsaken the northland and stolen contentment.

Miracles happen – one day while out walking, old Manitou’s pathway
swept through our woodlands, igniting small sparkles that shimmered and glistened,
waking up angels whose mystical voices were heavenly carols,
floating to rouse many desperate spirits of Cheechako miners.



Where is the Sun?
Open Form
Snow, abundance of snow
covers the mountains,
flatlands, forests,
lowlands and lakes.

Men of the northland
curse the hold that grips
like an iron claw –
they cannot escape.
Darkness dangles from treetops.
Then, one day,
pale blue skies and sunshine
bring cheer to Cheechako miners;
winter solstice has arrived.



Northland Solstice
Trochee
Snow lay deep that cold December
on my Dawson City home,
shrouding mountains, lakes and rivers
far and wide, including Nome.

Not much moved; our world was frozen
from Old Crow to Watson Lake.
Even ravens had forsaken
this harsh land, for pity’s sake.

Darkness dwelled; it stopped and dallied,
swallowed up the midnight sun.
How I cursed this devil northland
and its grip I couldn’t shun.

Came the day I went out walking;
all was quiet, skies pale blue;
in the woods, those white-clad pine trees
sparkled like old Manitou.

Could it be that I heard carols
coming from those soundless hills?
Solstice in this frigid northland
spells more, brighter winter chills.

You set yourself a difficult challenge and accomplished it well. My favorite is the iambic. The anapest sounds fine when read aloud. I like it too.
The version with the dactyl beat doesn't catch on (for me) till line 3 and on... but it does have some wonderful imagery within.
Nice work.
Sue

HI Merlin,

I'll be back once I've read through all of these in depth. I find both the iambic (Brumal Solstice) and the Trochee (Northland Solstice) versions to have quite pleasant cadences/rhythms - they just seem to flow along so smoothly. The Anapest, Cabin Fever, reads to me like a story (that could be told to children), much like The Night Before Christmas and the Dactyl (Winter Solstice Arrives) reads as prose to my ear.

You've set yourself quite a task and I urge you to please post these in the Karnak thread too, ya may just inspire some to respond in kind over there and try this amazing feat ourselves.

Be back soon - enjoyed the read!

~Cleo

Dear Merlin,
Both valiant and brilliant is your response to the challenge to write in all four
meters and open verse.
In that you've long prooved yourself in R&M and you're now seriously exploring open verse, I believe your posting here is a great resource, ecpecially for those of us who want to master all five forms.
My comments rarely reach to the point of proposing actual changes and so will limit themselves to general comments on the five comparisons.
Although I normally read aloud with enhanced emphasis on the heavy beats, I've tried to read as is now conventional.
Your iambic version is for me, just what I'd expect. As even without beat enhancement, it flows along as if it wanted to be hummed and of course the
message and presentation is spot-on.
The anapest version, as would be expected, almost demands to be whistled. Yes, it would appeal to children, but then children are totally candid re their opinions, not subject to political correctness.
The dactyl version is done in blank verse which seems to me to lessen the
beat. For most other poetry lovers, beat is of lesser consequence, and so I expect they'd rate this one higher than I. It does contain the most beautiful descriptions.
The open form version from my aspect seems not only to be missing the enhancers of R&M but is so terse, for me lacking also the thought of "the sound of a carol come floating..." or "igniting small sparkles that shimmered and glistened". I wonder if the terseness was a deliberate goal, the open verse version sporting only about half the syllables of the anapast and only four full stops.
The trochee swings along as trochees do. For me, the dum-da beat seems
positive and uplifting and forceful. In that all five stories, being offshoots of
of the same concept, morph from winter's complaints to the longer days and coming of spring after the solstice, for me, the best choice is the trochee.
I hope I haven't put a foot in my mouth!
Cheers, Ron jgd

You put a great deal of work into these. I enjoyed the first one. It seemed to be written with a twinkle in your eye. Nice job!

Thank you to the common taters, I'm pleased to have you reply so quickly.

It's my request to have this thread move to the Karn-forum, where comments may be continued. In that forum, all are invited to spread your wings and take to the air.

A few words about this becoming reality, which you may already know. Some details are in the original thread, and may be reviewed there. The first was the trochaic version, after which came the iambic and anapest. The 4th and most difficult was the dactyl; difficult since it is not the most common speech form.

I made notes of dactylic words, such as newspaper, magazine, snowdrift, and others. Several were ruled out due to chronological concerns - there were no daily newspapers in the setting. I began satisfactorily a few times, only to become bogged down. Finally, I pulled down my HWLongfellow book of Evangeline, which is very often cited as being the best example of dactylic hexameter. It is after this poem (a small book) that I fashioned my own. That may help in explaining why the overtones of prose are present, and it had me wondering if I shouldn't have more verses. However, I gave up since it isn't the easiest to pull off.

The last was the open form version. That field is still an unknown to me to some degree, and I continue to inform myself. Here are a few tidbits that may aid in understanding it better too.

Sound is a major portion of our lives, beginning before birth. Vowels have their sounds, as do consonants; we all know that. It is the division of those sounds that is important. In Where is the Sun? you will find vowels of oh, ah, uh starting things off. None of these are particularly pretty sounds, rather the opposite. Think of awful, ugly, stumble, horrid, and such. The sounds progress to mid-stream eh = (men), short-i, long-i, all more appealing. In the finale, they change to ee's & i's, creating a happy, gleeful setting.
I tried not to overdo the alliteration, which can become too much at times.

So, there tis. A few thoughts behind my frozen juices.

Thank you especially for honest opinions. You're aware I value those much more than back-slapping praise. Stating one isn't to your taste is easily acceptable - that's what is expected. They're different, and even I might wonder about one or more.

Merlin

Hi Eric,

I don't want to lose this wonderful demonstration of verse and expression by moving it out of the crit forum. If you promise to post each one in Herme's for critique, I'll move this thread into Karnak with hopes that others will join in the fun and try to write their expressions in multi-verse formatting too. I could make this its own thread there with a URL link up to JTB's practice thread if you like.

Let me know.
~Cleo

Whatever works best is okay by me. A link to JTB would be nice, his model was the one I referred to here also.

Things are really slow all over the web, where I look in. I'm not sure if there would be much more crit coming, since there was already some in the Northland thread, so is there value in separating things?

Perhaps a day or so will tell the tale.

Merlin

Yes, if you would like crits on the other versions (down the road).

I'llgo ahead and move this over to Karnak.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Dear Merlin,
The board seems semi-comatose and so I'll critique your anapestic version deasite the fact that I've come to believe the best critiquing comes from the author as he interprets the general comments of the critiquer. I'm not sure how a poet's personal style enters the picture, as I'm trying now to develop one for me. How conventiality and personal style mesh still has me guessing.
My comments come from the point of view of what I think is light verse, not
serious pure poetry. That's why I stay general.
Here's the way I read your cadence:
--/--/--/--/x
--/--/--/-a
--/--/--/--/x
--/--/--/-a Not fit for pure by grand as LV

-/--/--/--/x
--/--/--/b
-/--/--/--/x
-/--/--/b

--/--/--/--/c
--/--/--/d
-/--/--/--/c
--/--/--/d

--/--/--/--/x
--/--/--/e
--/--/--/--/x by/arrived, too far out even for PL
--/--/--/e

For me the metric consistency is a model of perfection and metre is what is most imp. to me.
I greatly appreciate poetry that starts on the down side and finds joy in the closing!
The descriptions take me there! That's poetry!
...and yet, I like the trochee better!...
Merlin, I do believe I've brought out the best in you! As my quest is to promote R&M and the bards of yore, I see your posting here as a great step in that regard.
Nicely done!
Cheers, Ron jgd

Thanks for looking in again, Ron.
Critique is appreciated from all angles. The writer is free to adapt what applies, and there are times when the critic is off base. It's happened to me.

I look at other thoughts, since it is the reader who must understand what I've written. I know what the meaning is, but it is important to find out if that meaning comes across. While doing advertising, my writing partner always pointed out what wasn't clear, and the 2 of us were a powerhouse.

I'm reviewing the series, and doing a bit of tweaking here & there.

Merlin