"distant thunder" is an old standby fragment
for haiku. It's been used so often, and although
a few new (and good) poems continue to include it,
some poets like to use it as a testing exercise.

Now I think it's unlikely that everyone who's
written a distant thunder haiku actually
experienced this thunder event at the same time
they experienced the remainder of the haiku.
So, in a way, it might be considered "desk ku".

And yet it can work, because we've all heard
the sound, and it's then a matter of fitting two
moments together, like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle!


The idea here is to replace your current fragment
with "distant thunder" and study the difference
in impact. Sometimes it can lead your thoughts
along a different path, and towards a new idea!

It also helps in understanding the purpose of the
fragment, and the power it can have.

If Cleo, Snow and Kathy don't mind, I'll illustrate
with theirs and one of mine.
The idea will be to post your original haiku, then
change a line to "distant thunder".

By Kathy:

shadow butterflies
by shadow trees --
petals fall
.................(I realize you might be revising this)


shadow butterflies
by shadow trees --
distant thunder



By Cleo:

magnolia blossoms --
the whisper
of wind chimes


distant thunder --
the whisper
of wind chimes



By Snow:

stolen kisses --
under pink blossoms
limbs entwine


distant thunder --
under pink blossoms
limbs entwine



By Lary:

falling snow
a lullaby drifts through
the doorway


distant thunder
a lullaby drifts through
the doorway



It's fun!


Lary

Wow Lary, what a great exercise. The fragment makes a huge difference.

I think I need to work on juxtaposition, so this especially helpful. Thanks.

This is neat Lary!


So, the idea for this exercise is to use that fragment. OK, I just received an email crit from Daniel on my haiku No.1 - with a slightly different L2 - so let's see how it looks here in this exercise -ready?

distant thunder --
whispered concerto
in wind chimes

or does the fragment work better this way?

whispered concerto
in wind chimes --
distant thunder

I'll see if I can think of a new one (desk-ku) but don't tell anyone and be back in a few.

How about:

rainfall's ripples
coddle Koi in pond --
distant thunder

Or would you put it the other way?

distant thunder --
rainfall's ripples
coddle Koi in pond

This is very interesting!

~Cleo

a pelican
on each street light--
distant thunder

Lovely Kathy!

Awk! You're supposed to include the original
haiku without "distant thunder" and then write
the second version with it, to see how it changes
the atmosphere! (you know... feel the electricity, lol!)




Lary

Ok Girls I see you all are having the fun! :) Thank you Lary for posting this exercise. It has me sitting here dumbfounded at how amazing the images and the experience changes with that substituation. Especially in ...




How in the original, the whisper brought scents accompanied by the sounds of wind chimes...
then in the example of the change to distant thunder, now brings the sensation of a coming storm, that inner thrill I feel when I hear thunder in the distance, and the whisper of winds (implied by wind chimes) This is absolutely beautiful. I find this amazing...

Unfortunately, my muse has gone away and has not returned, but I did go and find the only Haiku's I have ever written ... and I will use those, but of course they are not good Haikus but I will make use of them here for the exercise... :)

Hugs, Liz ...




Original

Horse-drawn carriage
window candles burn
Harvest moon

distant thunder
window candles burn
harvest moon

Original

a sundown sky
reflects in mud puddles
dried garden gloves.

distant thunder
reflects in mud puddles
dried garden gloves




Original:

Autumn winds
string tied paper in flight
naked oak; thief


Autumn winds
string tied paper in flight
distant thunder

Hi Liz,
it's getting late, so I'll go with just one for now...
I like the second one best, because it has a phrase and
a fragment.
But the phrase is:

a sundown sky
reflects in mud puddles

And the fragment is:

dried garden gloves

So this is how you'd use distant thunder:

a sundown sky
reflects in mud puddles --
distant thunder

You might like to consider one mud puddle...
haiku usually works better when focusing on
one tree, rather than the forest.
(And often, even better with one leaf
of the tree, lol!)

the sundown sky
reflects in a mud puddle --
dried garden gloves

A nice haiku indeed!


Lary

Eeee Sorry.

sea mist --
a pelican
on each street light


a pelican
on each street lamp --
distant thunder

the sundown sky
reflects in a mud puddle --
dried garden gloves


I agree.

Oops, sorry about that - here was my original attempt (is it haiku?):

Water lilies
coddle Koi in pond --
rainfall's ripples

so this would make it:

Water lilies
coddle Koi in pond --
distand thunder

OR

rainfall's ripples
coddle Koi in pond --
distant thunder

I have an AHHA that just came to me. First, Thank you Lary and Kathy for now I do have my very first revised Haiku ... My first, my first 'real' Haiku. Second I am really getting a load of amazement watching how the fragment of 'distant thunder' changes the whole experience...

using this one ... By the way, thank you so much for finding it's worth... I truly see how the change from plural to singular enhances the power of the image and brings the moment in time into play.


the sundown sky
reflects in a mud puddle --
dried garden gloves

Here I envision a sky, the sun hasn't finished its descent, sort of lingering just at the horizon, reflecting colors and swirls in a muddy puddle, which I envision is in a garden-The puddle could have been from a rain that had just passed, making the owner of the gloves to swift them off her/his hands and leave them by the garden to rush in quickly from the rain - or they are dried because the rain hadn't come yet, the mud puddle is from watering of the garden before the days end - This picture tells of lifes smaill moments like a still shot. The focus becomes on the sky seen through the puddle and L3 reveals life taking place.

While ...



a sundown sky
reflects in mud puddles --
distant thunder


The change in the fragment, brings a whole other world ... The sun sets, leaving a end of day sky, which I always conceive as the peaceful moments between the hustle and bustle and the time to prepare for the next day. The fragment now gives me the sensation, the feeling that the storm has passed - a stormy day is ending. As the thunder is now in the distance and has left 'a mud puddle' in its' place.

Just wonderful how these work. Stirring the mind. Stirring the imagination, tapping into our long, left behind memories of simple things.


Oh I am going to enjoy this... :)

Hugs, Liz

Ok Lary - so here's my new attempt from the other thread (actually - with your tweaking):

a koi's tail
under the water lily --
rainstorm

so it would become:

a koi's tail
under the water lily --
distant thunder


Cool!

This is wonderful Lori ...
Both are lovely, and I like to see the change from one to another ...
In first



The image of the vibrant Koi's tail
shimmering in the pond's water beneath
the water lily is so vivid, then as L3 presents itself,
I feel the droplets of rain come down, pittering in the water,
creating ripples and the sky darkening, perhaps fading the glinting of the color
of the koi's tail ...

then we have ...



The same setting of image. The peaceful vividness of the Koi's tale
and the sound (now incorporating audio effects in the image) of distant thunder
gives us the sudden inner excitement of a a storm approaching...

Nicely done...

Hugs, Liz

Hoo-oy... now the koi is sheltering. Now we have hints of things hidden...

Cool indeed,Lori!

It was really Lary who tweaked my idea into the proper format, Kathy.
On a similar theme though, how about:

frog's legs
dangle from lily pad --
hopscotch

No season element?

Lori, it does not feel authentic. I have never seen frogs legs dangle from a lily pad. Except in cartoons. (It should be a lily pad.

Hopscotch is a pun on 'hop' but doesn't follow through... a stone or some other marker is thrown before the hopping starts, when playing Hopscotch. Or maybe I am just a grumpy old lady.

I never caught it before. It's like algebra/math, you don't like it and you want nothing to do with it all because you don't see it's 'AHA" ... it's magic - it isn't until that one moment when it all makes sense that you find yourself respecting and seeing the beauity of it. Ok, Math/Algebra is a poor compareson, but I think its show a bit of how understanding Haiku makes me feel.



We struggle to create depth, mult-meanings, meter and big things to do small things, while this ... the slighter the fragment, and as strong as the other lines can be can make the difference.



While ...



a sundown sky
reflects in mud puddles --
distant thunder





Heheehee... I see the multitude of images that sweep through the mind from 3 small lines. I will have to make another LOL ...


Great! You are gonna be good at it! And it improves a poet's other compositions too.

Thank you, I never would have forseen myself seeing how beautiful they can be ... Hugs, Liz

Hi Cleo,
that's quite an image!
Like Kathy, I can't quite see the frog's legs
dangling, but if that's what you saw, I'll believe you!
And "hopscotch" doesn't quite connect for me.
What else was happening? Or what were you feeling?

a frog's legs
dangle from the lily pad --
summer heat


Sometimes, if we try too hard to introduce a fragment,
it doesn't feel natural?

And of course, since we're on this thread
(I often forget where I am, lol!)...to show the
difference...

a frog's legs
dangle from the lily pad --
distant thunder



Lary

Hey -- this is fun!

I'll take my recent revision from shogun

running
along the cliff edge --
my alarm clock rings

and it becomes

running
along the cliff edge --
distant thunder

a completely different perpective -- I like it!


also

running
away from big waves --
my alarm clock rings

becomes

running
away from big waves --
distant thunder

Snow

Hi Kathy and Lary.

Yes, I see what you mean - the 'hopscotch' is the idea that comes to mind because they leaped off them when startled.

Well, when I saw it, we were in a canoe gliding along the water. The frogs were hanging on the lily pads and then leaped off them as we got closer. So, I'll assume they were startled by our approach.

Summer heat is not exactly it as it was our approach that caused their reaction, so more like 'summer intrusion', LOL! I'll need to think on this further, perhaps mention canoe or the paddles in the water but that wouldn't seem like the right fragment to me?

I'll be back (CRAZY busy at work)....
Lori

Snow, sorry I didn't stop to comment earlier...
I love the way you grasp the idea...
and also that you're having fun!



Cleo, I like the idea of adding a canoe to the scene...
a moment well worth working on!


Lary