Seashell's Whisper - Revised 4/3/07, Wizard Award ~ quatern Options

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Thank you everyone!!

The first in a long time... FINALLY! LOL I think my muse is still mad at me!

. .

Seashell's Whisper ~ Revised

Sweet bluebells blue and cockleshells,
white puffy clouds and playful swells
bedeck the gently rolling dunes
that harbour ancient mystic runes

and fairies whisp'ring tales that tell
of bluebells blue and cockleshells.
Soft floral crowns, pink-posied rings,
whose wafting scents on breezes sing

as sun-warmed sighs touch ivory beach
while searching far outside their reach
for bluebells blue and cockleshells,
to wind up haunting distant dells.

Young mermaids poise on sultry sands,
imaginary wave of hands
bewitches sea-foam tint pastels
from bluebells blue and cockleshells.

Cathy Bollhoefer
copyright March 17, 2007




Seashells Whisper ~ Original

Sweet bluebells blue and cockleshells,
white puffy clouds and sea-blue swells
befrock the gently rolling dunes
that harbour ancient mystic runes

and fairies whisp'ring tales that tell
of bluebells blue and cockleshells.
Soft floral crowns, pink-posied rings,
with wafting scents on breezes sing

when sun-warmed sighs touch whitened beach.
They search so far outside their reach
for bluebells blue and cockleshells
they wind up haunting friendly dells.

Young mermaids lounge on sultry sand,
their emerald hue renewing grand
bewitching sea-foam tint pastels
of bluebells blue and cockleshells.

Cathy Bollhoefer
copyright March 17, 2007

S1 L3,4 - befrock the gently rolling hills
while songbirds warble rainbow'd trills

[Merlin]

Hi Cathy,

You have that nice, easy feeling here. Spring is close by here, and of course, robins have returned a few weeks back. It won't be long now for the bluebells.

In V1, I'd do away with the comma after L2.

My biggest wonder is what the cockleshells are doing in the hills. Aren't they supposed to be out to sea someone? Nautical nautical cockleshells!

Merlin

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Cathy,

You have that nice, easy feeling here. Spring is close by here, and of course, robins have returned a few weeks back. It won't be long now for the bluebells.

Spring's just a few days away here too! Thank goodness! I'm ready for it I can tell you that... lol

In V1, I'd do away with the comma after L2.

I wondered about that. Can do!

My biggest wonder is what the cockleshells are doing in the hills. Aren't they supposed to be out to sea someone? Nautical nautical cockleshells!

Well, for one, it's a fantasy whispered by seashells and for another... it could be the gently rolling sand dunes... not necessarily green hills. *smiles* Just something that came off the top of my head! lol

Thanks for commenting Eric!
Cathy

[JustDaniel]

I'd lose that comma, ere it spills,
defrocking gently rolling hills


[ white puffy clouds and sea-blue swells
befrock the rolling sand dune hills ]

blowin' Lightly, Daniel

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Methinks I've fixed it Daniel! Please have a look-see and let me know what you think! LOL

Cat

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Cathy.

I really like the Quatern form. Glad to see your muse is back from holiday! Hope you are feeling better.

As always, this one has that fantasy feel of an imaginary world that I adore, so it's already a winner! I've jotted down a few notes below for you to ponder as you wish.

Enjoyed!
~Cleo


[+] {-}

Seashells Whisper: I was wondering if you meant to focus on the “Whisper of the Seashells”? If so, then perhaps “Seashell’s Whisper” would be more appropriate as a title?

Sweet bluebells blue and cockleshells,
white puffy clouds and sea-blue swells (suggest ‘azure’ or ‘aqua’ in place of sea-blue only because you’ve mentioned the word ‘blue’ three times in the opening)
befrock the gently rolling dunes
that harbor ancient mystic runes
I don’t know what befrock is, do you mean defrock as in to ‘deprive’? Perhaps ‘disguise’ for alliteration to ‘dunes’?

and fairies whisp'ring tales that tell
of bluebells blue and cockleshells.
Soft floral crowns, pink-posied rings,
with wafting scents on breezes sing
Nice introduction of senses here!

when sun-warmed sighs touch whitened beach.
They search so far outside their reach
for bluebells blue and cockleshells
{they} [then] wind up haunting friendly dells.
Nice! I like the imagery of S2 and S3 and the tale’s progression.

Young mermaids lounge on sultry sand,
their emerald hue renewing grand (I'm not sure I understand 'renewing grand' when followed with 'bewitching'? Perhaps:
their emerald hues renew the land)
bewitching sea-foam tint pastels
of bluebells blue and cockleshells.

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Cathy.

I really like the Quatern form. Glad to see your muse is back from holiday! Hope you are feeling better.

I think the Quatern is my favorite form... at least for now! LOL And thanks Lori... I am better!

As always, this one has that fantasy feel of an imaginary world that I adore, so it's already a winner! I've jotted down a few notes below for you to ponder as you wish.

Enjoyed!
~Cleo


[+] {-}

Seashells Whisper: I was wondering if you meant to focus on the “Whisper of the Seashells”? If so, then perhaps “Seashell’s Whisper” would be more appropriate as a title?

Can do! Wow What a difference punctuation can make! LOL

Sweet bluebells blue and cockleshells,
white puffy clouds and sea-blue swells (suggest ‘azure’ or ‘aqua’ in place of sea-blue only because you’ve mentioned the word ‘blue’ three times in the opening)
befrock the gently rolling dunes
that harbor ancient mystic runes
I don’t know what befrock is, do you mean defrock as in to ‘deprive’? Perhaps ‘disguise’ for alliteration to ‘dunes’?

Duh!! Why didn't I catch that! That can be changed. As for 'befrock', I think I made that up! LOL 'Frock' is a word and I added the 'be' to it. Means to dress or decorate...

and fairies whisp'ring tales that tell
of bluebells blue and cockleshells.
Soft floral crowns, pink-posied rings,
with wafting scents on breezes sing
Nice introduction of senses here!

Thanks Lori!

when sun-warmed sighs touch whitened beach.
They search so far outside their reach
for bluebells blue and cockleshells
{they} [then] wind up haunting friendly dells.
Nice! I like the imagery of S2 and S3 and the tale’s progression.

Thank you! Line 3 can be changed~

Young mermaids lounge on sultry sand,
their emerald hue renewing grand (I'm not sure I understand 'renewing grand' when followed with 'bewitching'? Perhaps:
their emerald hues renew the land)
bewitching sea-foam tint pastels
of bluebells blue and cockleshells.

Hmmm... not sure where my thoughts were there either! LOL Thanks for coming by and critting! Most appreciated I assure you.

Cathy

[jgdittier]

Dear Cathy,
The only place where I feel comfortable reading my own comment is as to flow.
It seems this piece is lyric in nature and accordingly perfect for you to make it
hum in the imagination. As I emphasize the flow by reading aloud, to me it sings!
Cheers, Ron jgd

[JLY]

Cathy,
You have given this a melodic feeling and resonates pleasantly line by line.

I think you have a fine piece here....it only needs the aforementioned punctuation alterations.

You really have done well by this form.

JLY

[Eisa]

Hooray! Cathy's muse is back!

It's great to read your work again and this sings with your vibrant style. I really see very little I can nit, but here goes~

Seashells Whisper

Sweet bluebells blue and cockleshells,
white puffy clouds and sea-blue swells
befrock the gently rolling dunes
that harbour ancient mystic runes

I think the blue in L2 is a little oevrdone, becuase of the repeat in the previous line. Another word for blue?

and fairies whisp'ring tales that tell
of bluebells blue and cockleshells.
Soft floral crowns, pink-posied rings,
with wafting scents on breezes sing

when sun-warmed sighs touch whitened beach.
They search so far outside their reach
for bluebells blue and cockleshells
they wind up haunting friendly dells.

Young mermaids lounge on sultry sand,
their emerald hue renewing grand
bewitching sea-foam tint pastels
of bluebells blue and cockleshells.

L2 -- not sure what the meaning is here
L3 -- pastels sounds a little awkward as the stree comes on pasTELS.

This is like an enchanting fairy tale. I'm so pleased you're back

Snow

[JustDaniel]

A second look, addressing a few areas that others seem to have noted as well:

Seashells['] Whisper

Sweet bluebells blue and cockleshells,
white puffy clouds and sea-blue aqua swells
befrock the gently rolling dunes
that harbour ancient mystic runes

and fairies whisp'ring tales that tell
of bluebells blue and cockleshells.
Soft floral crowns, pink-posied rings,
with wafting scents on breezes sing

when sun-warmed sighs touch whit(en)ed beach.
They search so far outside their reach
for bluebells blue and cockleshells
they wind up haunting friendly dells.

Young, sultry mermaids lounge on sultry sand,
their emerald hue renewing grand
in emerald hues sculpt conchs freehand,
bewitching sea-foam tint pastels
of bluebells blue and cockleshells.

Lightly re-focusing some of your words, Daniel

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Dear Cathy,
The only place where I feel comfortable reading my own comment is as to flow.
It seems this piece is lyric in nature and accordingly perfect for you to make it
hum in the imagination. As I emphasize the flow by reading aloud, to me it sings!
Cheers, Ron jgd

Thanks Ron! Your thoughts mean a lot... the flow of a poem is so important and it's great to know I'm on the right track!

Cathy

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Cathy,
You have given this a melodic feeling and resonates pleasantly line by line.

I think you have a fine piece here....it only needs the aforementioned punctuation alterations.

You really have done well by this form.

JLY

Thanks John! I appreciate your kind words and I'm glad you enjoyed this~

Cathy

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hooray! Cathy's muse is back!

It's great to read your work again and this sings with your vibrant style. I really see very little I can nit, but here goes~

Thanks Snow! LOL Darn those muses anyway!

Seashells Whisper

Sweet bluebells blue and cockleshells,
white puffy clouds and sea-blue swells
befrock the gently rolling dunes
that harbour ancient mystic runes

I think the blue in L2 is a little oevrdone, becuase of the repeat in the previous line. Another word for blue?

Yes, I agree. I was thinking about 'playful' to enhance the fantasy feel... what do you think?

and fairies whisp'ring tales that tell
of bluebells blue and cockleshells.
Soft floral crowns, pink-posied rings,
with wafting scents on breezes sing

when sun-warmed sighs touch whitened beach.
They search so far outside their reach
for bluebells blue and cockleshells
they wind up haunting friendly dells.

Young mermaids lounge on sultry sand,
their emerald hue renewing grand
bewitching sea-foam tint pastels
of bluebells blue and cockleshells.

L2 -- not sure what the meaning is here
L3 -- pastels sounds a little awkward as the stree comes on pasTELS.

That's the way I pronounce 'pastel' - with the stress on the second syllable. LOL

This is like an enchanting fairy tale. I'm so pleased you're back

Thanks Snow! I just hope it lasts...

Cathy

Snow

[Guest_Cathy_*]

A second look, addressing a few areas that others seem to have noted as well:

Seashells['] Whisper

Sweet bluebells blue and cockleshells,
white puffy clouds and sea-blue aqua swells
befrock the gently rolling dunes
that harbour ancient mystic runes

I'm going to change that, just not sure to what. LOL I was thinking about 'playful' to enhance the imagery and the fantasy feel of it.

and fairies whisp'ring tales that tell
of bluebells blue and cockleshells.
Soft floral crowns, pink-posied rings,
with wafting scents on breezes sing

when sun-warmed sighs touch whit(en)ed beach.
They search so far outside their reach
for bluebells blue and cockleshells
they wind up haunting friendly dells.

I'll have to think about 'whited'. It doesn't seem quite right for some reason. *smiles*

Young, sultry mermaids lounge on sultry sand,
their emerald hue renewing grand
in emerald hues sculpt conchs freehand,
bewitching sea-foam tint pastels
of bluebells blue and cockleshells.

Lightly re-focusing some of your words, Daniel

L1 might sound better that way, although it changes the image slightly. Not that that's a problem. Just need to change the image in my head! LOL I like the change you've suggested for line 2. Hmmm.. now what can I do with that?? Got my thinking cap on!

Thanks Daniel~
Cat

[AMETHYST]

Hi Cathy,

You surely make the Quatern dance for you. I believe everyone has a form just for them and this is yours! I also love the form and enjoy reading yours! :) The loveliness of images match the form and creates a soft mantra like tone as the repretend line works well to take on a new meaning in each stanza-wonderful work!

Some other thoughts to follow, I hope something might help!


Hugs Liz ...

Seashells Whisper

Sweet bluebells blue and cockleshells,
white puffy clouds and sea-blue swells
befrock the gently rolling dunes
that harbour ancient mystic runes

I thought the repeat of 'blue' in L1 (especially that it is repeated through out the other stanzas) could have used the point of replacing that second blue (perhaps blush, to enhance the image of a light powdery blue -
L3, I see that you threw be onto frock. So were you wanting to show the rollling dunes (dressed in bluebells/cockleshells and white puffy clouds? Perhaps bedeck

You've provided the reader with the softness of a steady almost whisper-like tone in the poem, the images are gentle and allos the reader to feel that sensitive feel in the poem. Good work!


and fairies whisp'ring tales that tell
of bluebells blue and cockleshells.
Soft floral crowns, pink-posied rings,
with wafting scents on breezes sing

Again, L2 would then read - "of bluebells blush and cockleshells."

when sun-warmed sighs touch whitened beach.
They search so far outside their reach
for bluebells blue and cockleshells
they wind up haunting friendly dells.


Perhaps another word other than 'friendly' in L4. maybe 'doting dells -' or verdent or healthy dells -

Young mermaids lounge on sultry sand,
their emerald hue renewing grand
bewitching sea-foam tint pastels
of bluebells blue and cockleshells.


Perhaps you might consider 'stayed' instead of lounge, stayed meaning dwell (archaic) or poised ...

Young mermaids, poised, on sultry sand,

L2, needs a little further fleshing out to clarify what the intent is. I believe it means that bringing back life ... Hmmm...

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Cathy,

You surely make the Quatern dance for you. I believe everyone has a form just for them and this is yours! I also love the form and enjoy reading yours! :) The loveliness of images match the form and creates a soft mantra like tone as the repretend line works well to take on a new meaning in each stanza-wonderful work!

Thank you very much Liz! *smiles*

Some other thoughts to follow, I hope something might help!


Hugs Liz ...

Seashells Whisper

Sweet bluebells blue and cockleshells,
white puffy clouds and sea-blue swells
befrock the gently rolling dunes
that harbour ancient mystic runes

I thought the repeat of 'blue' in L1 (especially that it is repeated through out the other stanzas) could have used the point of replacing that second blue (perhaps blush, to enhance the image of a light powdery blue -
L3, I see that you threw be onto frock. So were you wanting to show the rollling dunes (dressed in bluebells/cockleshells and white puffy clouds? Perhaps bedeck

I'm going to change 'blue' (I think). LOL I will keep 'blush' in mind although I think of blushing cheeks (pink) so I'm not sure that would work here. I like 'bedeck' though. It fits well with the sea and cockleshells theme. Thanks!

You've provided the reader with the softness of a steady almost whisper-like tone in the poem, the images are gentle and allos the reader to feel that sensitive feel in the poem. Good work!

Unintentional I assure you! LOL I had no idea that's what I was doing!

and fairies whisp'ring tales that tell
of bluebells blue and cockleshells.
Soft floral crowns, pink-posied rings,
with wafting scents on breezes sing

Again, L2 would then read - "of bluebells blush and cockleshells."

when sun-warmed sighs touch whitened beach.
They search so far outside their reach
for bluebells blue and cockleshells
they wind up haunting friendly dells.


Perhaps another word other than 'friendly' in L4. maybe 'doting dells -' or verdent or healthy dells -

I agree... I'll give it some thought. Thanks for the suggestions!

Young mermaids lounge on sultry sand,
their emerald hue renewing grand
bewitching sea-foam tint pastels
of bluebells blue and cockleshells.


Perhaps you might consider 'stayed' instead of lounge, stayed meaning dwell (archaic) or poised ...

Young mermaids, poised, on sultry sand,

L2, needs a little further fleshing out to clarify what the intent is. I believe it means that bringing back life ... Hmmm...

Hmmmm.... I will give this some more thought too! Get the image straight in my head as to what I really want to say here. Thanks for your help Liz! Gets me to thinkin'!

Hugs,
Cathy

[Eisa]

Hi Cathy

L3 -- pastels sounds a little awkward as the stree comes on pasTELS.

That's the way I pronounce 'pastel' - with the stress on the second syllable. LOL


Oh drat -- another pronounciation difference -- I pronounce it PAStels ---LOL!! You'd better ignore what I said in my crit as your rhyme is perfact the way you say it.

Snow

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hey Snow,

Oh my! That sounds rather odd to me! LOL Oh the vast differences an ocean can make!

Cathy

[AMETHYST]

Hi Cathy,

Back again ...

Perhaps ...
Sweet bluebells hued and cockleshells,
white puffy clouds and sea-blue swells


Smile! I think this is such a beautiful poem! I enjoy reading it over again.

Thanks for posting and showing true appreciate for images that help us to feel a sort of heavenly feeling.

Hugs, Liz