On The Wire ~ 2nd Revision, Response to Guardian Workshop Options

[AMETHYST]

This month's Guardian Guardian Workshop - Aiden Andrew Dun asks poets to write about the familiar...



~~~~~Final Revision~~~~~~~~~

On the Wire

I appear a threadbare crack
against an ashen sky,
unnoticed,
if not for the winds
that sway me.

Society confabulates
a chaotic void
through my cylindrical sphere;
easily dismissing
my existence,
until God's breath
breaks me.

Steadfast, I endure,
second by second, uniting
family to distant family,
closing the miles
into a hair's-breadth,
connecting conversations,
creating friends from strangers.

I'm privy to their private notions,
entrusted to carry off
dirty confessions;
dark and sate of passion, sacred
truths and unholy lies.

It is lonely listening to chatter,
in all their apathy--they hunger
for consolation; I bring solace
in a single ring.

I am a conduit of universal need,
funneling energy of an over extended perseity-
a conducer of their lives --

and yet, it is the birds, perched
along my fibers that contemplate me.
As sparrows rest and blue jays sing,

"Tek, Tek" an ebon crow calls,
inviting human-kind
to pay homage to my silent prominence.





~~~1st Revision~~~~~~~~

On the Wire

I appear a threadbare crack
against an ashen sky,
unnoticed,
if not for the winds
that sway me.

Society confabulates
a chaotic void
thru my cylindrical sphere;
but easily dismisses
my existence, until God's breath
breaks me.

Steadfast, I endure,
second by second, uniting
family to distant family, closing the miles
into a hair's-breadth,
connecting conversations,
creating friends out of strangers.

I'm privy to their private notions,
entrusted to carry off dirty confessions,
dark and sate of passion, sacred
truths and unholy lies.

I get lonely listening to chatter
and in all their apathy--they hunger
for consolation; I bring solace
in a single ring of a telephone.

I am a conduit of universal need,
funneling energy of an over extended perseity-
a conducer of their lives --
and yet, it is the birds, perched
along my fibers that contemplate me.
Sparrows and blue jays.

"Tek, Tek" an ebon crow calls,
inviting human-kind
to pay homage to my silent prominence...





~~~~Original ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On The Wire
I appear a threadbare crack
against an ashen sky, unnoticed,
if not for the winds that sway me.

Society confabulates a chaotic void
thru my cylindrical sphere;
yet they easily dismiss my existence,
until God's breath breaks me.

Steadfast, I endure
second by second, uniting
family to distant family, closing the miles
between into a hairsbreadth,
connecting conversations
simultaneously-
creating friendships out of strangers.

I'm privy to their private notions,
entrusted to transport dirty confessions,
dark and sate of passion, sacred
lies and unholy truths-spontaneously.

I get lonely listening to chatter
and in all their apathy--they hunger
for consolation, and I bring solace
in the single ring of a telephone.

Have they ever considered my capacity
or what part I play within this world—
a conduit of universal need,
funneling energy of an over extended perseity-
a conducer of their lives --

and yet, it is the birds, perched
along my fibers that contemplate me.
Sparrows and Blue jays;
still and peaceful, are my companions.

"Tek, Tek," an ebon crow calls,
inviting human-kind,
to pay homage to my silent prominence...

This post has been edited by Cleo_Serapis: Mar 4 07, 15:45

Reason for edit: 2nd revision (added IBPC award)

[Cyn]

Great response to that workshop Liz
I like the tone of this. I have (a Very few) suggestions

This month's Guardian Guardian Workshop - Aiden Andrew Dun asks poets to write about the familiar...


On the Wire

I appear a threadbare crack
against an ashen sky,
unnoticed,
if not for the winds
that sway me.

Society confabulates
a chaotic void
thru my cylindrical sphere;
but easily dismiss <---this relates to society so needs to be "dismisses"
my existence, until God's breath
breaks me.

Steadfast, I provide endurance <----provide just feels not quite right here, maybe "I endure, second by second..."
second by second, uniting
family to distant family, closing the miles
between into a hairsbreadth, <---hair's-breath? Omit between?
connecting conversations simultaneously- <---omit simultaneoulsy
creating friendships out of strangers. <---friends?

I'm privy to their private notions,
entrusted to carry off dirty confessions,
dark and sate of passion, sacred
truths and unholy lies-spontaneously. <--- omit spontaneously

I get lonely listening to chatter
and in all their apathy--they hunger
for consolation, and I bring solace <--- omit and
in the single ring of a telephone.

Have they ever considered my capacity
or what part I play within this world— <---this is perhaps too wordy and in my opinion not needed. Maybe just say
"I am"a conduit of universal need,
funneling energy of an over extended perseity-
a conducer of your lives -- <---their lives
and yet, it is the birds, perched
along my fibers that contemplate me.
Sparrows and blue jays
are my companions; <----omit this line

"Tek, Tek" an ebon crow calls,
inviting human-kind
to pay homage to my silent prominence...


[font="Times New Roman"][/font]

Really like the notion of this poem: Here is my take employing my suggestions:

On the Wire

I appear a threadbare crack
against an ashen sky,
unnoticed,
if not for the winds
that sway me.

Society confabulates
a chaotic void
thru my cylindrical sphere;
but easily dismisses
my existence, until God's breath
breaks me.

Steadfast, I endure,
second by second, uniting
family to distant family, closing the miles
into a hair's-breadth,
connecting conversations,
creating friends out of strangers.

I'm privy to their private notions,
entrusted to carry off dirty confessions,
dark and sate of passion, sacred
truths and unholy lies.

I get lonely listening to chatter
and in all their apathy--they hunger
for consolation; I bring solace
in the single ring of a telephone.

I am a conduit of universal need,
funneling energy of an over extended perseity-
a conducer of their lives --
and yet, it is the birds, perched
along my fibers that contemplate me.
Sparrows and blue jays.

"Tek, Tek" an ebon crow calls,
inviting human-kind
to pay homage to my silent prominence...

Great work Liz

[AMETHYST]

Heehee..

Cyn Thank you so much for dropping in when you did! I was posting a simular revision to my original post (not realizing anyone had read it yet) and some of the suggestions you've offered were already on that list. However some weren't and those are the very changes that eased the awkwardness from a few lines! I am posting my first official revision now, using your suggestions! Thank you so much!

You should really send something in, you would write something extremely profound!

Hugs, Liz ...

[Eisa]

Oh wow Liz -- this is really good. I don't have time to do it justice this morning, but had to call and say I've read, and like this very much.

Hugs Snow

[Cyn]

Heehee..



You should really send something in, you would write something extremely profound!

Hugs, Liz ...

I have one, it is short and sweet. But I had to wait a few days to post it here. So I will post it now.

Glad some of my suggestions were helpful. It is a nice piece of work

[AMETHYST]

I have one, it is short and sweet. But I had to wait a few days to post it here. So I will post it now.

Glad some of my suggestions were helpful. It is a nice piece of work

You were quite helpful and I thank you! As for the poem you've written, you have till 2/25th - send it in, can't hurt...

I would love to read it!

Hugs, Liz

[Eisa]

Hi Liz

I think you've done a wonderful job with this poem. We ignore so many things in our lives that are just 'there' ... without really valuing their existence and without them we would be lost!

I've read through this a number of times and really can't fault it -- but I'll offer a few small thoughts for your consideration, although it is fine as it is.[/b]

[i]On the Wire

I appear a threadbare crack
against an ashen sky,
unnoticed,
if not for the winds
that sway me.

A wonderful beginning. At this point the reader is still not sure what the poem is a bout and reads on ...

Society confabulates
a chaotic void
thru my cylindrical sphere;
but easily dismisses
my existence, until God's breath
breaks me.

Yes -- we soon complain if they'r blon down!

Steadfast, I endure,
second by second, uniting
family to distant family, closing the miles
into a hair's-breadth,
connecting conversations,
creating friends out of strangers.

I'm privy to their private notions,
entrusted to carry off dirty confessions,
dark and sate of passion, sacred
truths and unholy lies.

Instead of 'dirty confessions' ... how about sordid or sleezy.

I get lonely listening to chatter
and in all their apathy--they hunger
for consolation; I bring solace
in a single ring of a telephone.

You have done well, bringing human qualities of loneliness here

I am a conduit of universal need,
funneling energy of an over extended perseity-
a conducer of their lives --
and yet, it is the birds, perched
along my fibers that contemplate me.
Sparrows and blue jays.

I'm not sure that the last line is a sentence but just a fragment. Perhaps a dash or semicolon at the end of the previous line.

"Tek, Tek" an ebon crow calls,
inviting human-kind
to pay homage to my silent prominence...

Great ending. I love the sound the crow makes.


This is very thought provoking Liz and I thoroughly enjoyed reading.

Hugs Snow

[Psyche]

Hi Liz!
This one is splendid! Wonderful technique to personify the wire, I'm dazzled, truly. I know you work on 911. Congratulations, this one's a real winner. I don't believe I can crit anything, maybe just add some admiring remarks...

This month's Guardian Guardian Workshop - Aiden Andrew Dun asks poets to write about the familiar...



On the Wire

I appear a threadbare crack
against an ashen sky,
unnoticed,
if not for the winds
that sway me.

Society confabulates
a chaotic void Is "void" the right word here? It's full of conversations...like when you use the word "perseity" further on. There's a sort of substance there, not a void, methinks...

thru my cylindrical sphere;
but easily dismisses
my existence, until God's breath
breaks me. Great stanza, Liz.

Steadfast, I endure,
second by second, uniting
family to distant family, closing the miles
into a hair's-breadth,
connecting conversations,
creating friends out of strangers. Admirable!
I'm privy to their private notions,
entrusted to carry off dirty confessions,
dark and sate of passion, sacred
truths and unholy lies. Impressive!

I get lonely listening to chatter
and in all their apathy--they hunger
for consolation; I bring solace
in a single ring of a telephone. I can visualize you doing this, Liz. You're also admirable, truly.

Perhaps:
I get lonely listening to chatter:
in all their apathy, they hunger
for consolation; I bring solace
with a single ring of a telephone. Just ideas, Liz.

I am a conduit of universal need, Very good!
funneling energy of an over extended perseity-
a conducer of their lives -- What do 2 dashes indicate?
and yet, it is the birds, perched
along my fibers, that contemplate me. I inserted a comma after fibers....
Sparrows and blue jays. Excellent stanza, deftly handled.

"Tek, Tek" an ebon crow calls,
inviting human-kind
to pay homage to my silent prominence... Brilliant finale.

I think this is an incredibly good poem, Liz.
I'm glad I've been able to visit MM today and read this gem, both here and in the Nominations.
Many hugs, Syl ***




~~~~Original ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On The Wire
I appear a threadbare crack
against an ashen sky, unnoticed,
if not for the winds that sway me.

Society confabulates a chaotic void
thru my cylindrical sphere;
yet they easily dismiss my existence,
until God's breath breaks me.

Steadfast, I endure
second by second, uniting
family to distant family, closing the miles
between into a hairsbreadth,
connecting conversations
simultaneously-
creating friendships out of strangers.

I'm privy to their private notions,
entrusted to transport dirty confessions,
dark and sate of passion, sacred
lies and unholy truths-spontaneously.

I get lonely listening to chatter
and in all their apathy--they hunger
for consolation, and I bring solace
in the single ring of a telephone.

Have they ever considered my capacity
or what part I play within this world—
a conduit of universal need,
funneling energy of an over extended perseity-
a conducer of their lives --

and yet, it is the birds, perched
along my fibers that contemplate me.
Sparrows and Blue jays;
still and peaceful, are my companions.

"Tek, Tek," an ebon crow calls,
inviting human-kind,
to pay homage to my silent prominence...

[AMETHYST]

Hi Sylvia,

Thank you so much, and thank you for seeing the underlying of reference between 911 lines and our society at large, we use phone lines continuously, conversations travelling on these lines without ever taken a moment to think of the miraculous journey these conversations make. I glad you enjoyed this.

This month's Guardian Guardian Workshop - Aiden Andrew Dun asks poets to write about the familiar...






On the Wire

I appear a threadbare crack
against an ashen sky,
unnoticed,
if not for the winds
that sway me.

Society confabulates
a chaotic void Is "void" the right word here? It's full of conversations...like when you use the word "perseity" further on. There's a sort of substance there, not a void, methinks...

I was going for that contrast between chaotic/emptiness-meaningless conversations, a whole bunch of chatter and babbling without having any real purpose. I will keep it in mind to see if there is another alternative that clarifies my intent. Thank you for bringing it up!

thru my cylindrical sphere;
but easily dismisses
my existence, until God's breath
breaks me. Great stanza, Liz.


Thank you! Cyn helped flesh this part out as I had wanted to be-thank goodness for workshops! huh! :)


Steadfast, I endure,
second by second, uniting
family to distant family, closing the miles
into a hair's-breadth,
connecting conversations,
creating friends out of strangers. Admirable!

I am glad you like this, this is my favorite stanza as well, with the meaning accentuated by the inner sonics.


I'm privy to their private notions,
entrusted to carry off dirty confessions,
dark and sate of passion, sacred
truths and unholy lies. Impressive!


Again, Thank You Sylvia, thank you very much, you've brought a smile to my face.


I get lonely listening to chatter
and in all their apathy--they hunger
for consolation; I bring solace
in a single ring of a telephone. I can visualize you doing this, Liz. You're also admirable, truly.

I am thinking of omitting 'of a telephone' I think it adds more force with 'in a single ring.' Thank you...I also like the suggestion of 'and' thank you.

Perhaps:
I get lonely listening to chatter:
in all their apathy, they hunger
for consolation; I bring solace
with a single ring of a telephone. Just ideas, Liz.



I am a conduit of universal need, Very good!
funneling energy of an over extended perseity-
a conducer of their lives -- What do 2 dashes indicate?

Not really sure, I wanted to slow the reader down abit, allow a little more thought before going into the next line. As this line actually doesn't end here, but flows into the following image of the first line of the next stanza.


and yet, it is the birds, perched
along my fibers, that contemplate me. I inserted a comma after fibers....
Sparrows and blue jays. Excellent stanza, deftly handled.

Yes, a comma works very well there.

"Tek, Tek" an ebon crow calls,
inviting human-kind
to pay homage to my silent prominence... Brilliant finale.

I think this is an incredibly good poem, Liz.
I'm glad I've been able to visit MM today and read this gem, both here and in the Nominations.
Many hugs, Syl ***



Thank you Sylvia, for the wonderful visit. I will make some minor changes in light of your thoguhts! Thank you...

Hiugs, Liz

[AMETHYST]

Hi Snow,


I am sorry that I haven't gotten back to you on your response before now, a lot has been going on in my home and juggling it all at once just doesn't work sometimes.

Hi Liz

I think you've done a wonderful job with this poem. We ignore so many things in our lives that are just 'there' ... without really valuing their existence and without them we would be lost!

I've read through this a number of times and really can't fault it -- but I'll offer a few small thoughts for your consideration, although it is fine as it is.[/b]

[i]
On the Wire


I appear a threadbare crack
against an ashen sky,
unnoticed,
if not for the winds
that sway me.

A wonderful beginning. At this point the reader is still not sure what the poem is a bout and reads on ...


It is wonderful to hear that the opening, maintains a mystery of subject, but is written with enough flair to keep the interest of the reader.

Society confabulates
a chaotic void
thru my cylindrical sphere;
but easily dismisses
my existence, until God's breath
breaks me.

Yes -- we soon complain if they'r blon down!

Especially after hurricaines, right after Wilma, everyone was up in arms about the lines down, and the visual damage was enough to make everyone realize just what effects having them down had on our every day lives...

Steadfast, I endure,
second by second, uniting
family to distant family, closing the miles
into a hair's-breadth,
connecting conversations,
creating friends out of strangers.

I'm privy to their private notions,
entrusted to carry off dirty confessions,
dark and sate of passion, sacred
truths and unholy lies.

Instead of 'dirty confessions' ... how about sordid or sleezy.

I am considering sordid, I liked dirty for both the implication of unpure, unclean and the slide into the alliteration of dark -

I get lonely listening to chatter
and in all their apathy--they hunger
for consolation; I bring solace
in a single ring of a telephone.

You have done well, bringing human qualities of loneliness here

I am considering eding L4 as 'in a single ring' omitting 'of a telephone" what do you think? ...

I am a conduit of universal need,
funneling energy of an over extended perseity-
a conducer of their lives --
and yet, it is the birds, perched
along my fibers that contemplate me.
Sparrows and blue jays.

I'm not sure that the last line is a sentence but just a fragment. Perhaps a dash or semicolon at the end of the previous line.

I kept feeling an awkward pause here myself, perhaps ... Sparrows swing along with the breeze, and blue jays sing, keeping me company...

"Tek, Tek" an ebon crow calls,
inviting human-kind
to pay homage to my silent prominence...

Great ending. I love the sound the crow makes.

Thank you. I used Tek, Tek, in one of my earlier poems. As the black crows use to attack me when I walked my dog or took the garbage out where I use to live. They are nasty little critters...


This is very thought provoking Liz and I thoroughly enjoyed reading.

Hugs Snow

Thanks Snow, again, sorry for the delay, but your words always well worth the receiving! Best wishes and big hugs, Liz

[Eisa]

Hi Liz

I understand -- I've been hectic these last few days too. Sometimes life just takes over!

I get lonely listening to chatter
and in all their apathy--they hunger
for consolation; I bring solace
in a single ring of a telephone.


I am considering eding L4 as 'in a single ring' omitting 'of a telephone" what do you think? ...

Yes I think that would be a good idea as the reader is aware it is the telephone without stating it.

Sparrows and blue jays.

I kept feeling an awkward pause here myself, perhaps ... Sparrows swing along with the breeze, and blue jays sing, keeping me company...

Sparrows swing along with the breeze,
and blue jays sing, keeping me company...

yes -- that would bring that line alive -- showing rather than telling

Great work Liz!

Hugs Snow

[AMETHYST]

Hey Snow,

I've made a post of a slight 2nd revision, making the change on both accounts... let me know how it reads to you! Please.

Hugs, Liz

:)

[Psyche]

Dear Liz!

Great revision. I'm glad I was able to help out a teeny bit. I'm also glad that you appreciate my visits...

This poem excels, it deserves recognition far and wide. Congrats!
Hugs, Syl ***

[AMETHYST]

More than a teeny bit, but a good part of my revisions thanks! I am glad you appreciate this poem, I enjoyed writing. Hugs to you, Liz

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Liz.

This is a very deep piece! I enjoyed all the alliterative choices within.

I'm in a bit of a rush but wanted to offer a few quick thoughts to you before I head home from work.
Please see below and best of luck in the March IBPC with this one!

~Cleo

[add] {delete} (comment)

Society confabulates
a chaotic void
{thru} [through] my cylindrical sphere; (I would spell out 'through' here)
{but} easily dismiss{es}[ing]
my existence, until God's breath
breaks me.
Above I would move until God's breath, or you could say 'His breath' down to the next line and move breaks me underneath it like this:

Society confabulates
a chaotic void
through my cylindrical sphere;
easily dismissing
my existence,
until His breath
breaks me.

Steadfast, I endure,
second by second, uniting
family to distant family, closing the miles (I would move down closing the miles)
into a hair's-breadth,
connecting conversations,
creating friends {out of} [from] strangers.

I'm privy to their private notions,
entrusted to carry off dirty confessions{,}
dark and sate of passion, sacred
truths and unholy lies.

{I get} [It is] lonely listening to chatter,
in all their apathy--they hunger
for consolation; I bring solace
in a single ring.

to pay homage to my silent prominence... (here I would eliminate the ellipse and use an end-stop.)

[AMETHYST]

Thank you Lori,

Especially for making the suggestion of 'from strangers' I have gone bonkers since I wrote the poem, because I keep reading it with 'from' but I hadn't changed it - reluctant for some unknown reason. I suppose because no one else mentioned it I figured leave well enough alone! LOL

I will be making all the above changes... and will copy/repost it in the IBPC thread, so you can have the final revisions ready to go!

Thank you again... I knew you would come through! :)


Hugs, Liz

[Cleo_Serapis]

Liz!

Best of luck with this poem!

~Cleo

[AMETHYST]

Thanks Lori,

And thank you so much for the excellent touch up revisions!

But the most Good Luck TO MM

[Guest_kerri_*]

Hi Liz.

Ya know, I've never before even thought
about all that travels over those wires.


I love these lines and they way you have crafted
them to show this:

"second by second, uniting
family to distant family,
closing the miles
into a hair's-breadth"

"entrusted to carry off
dirty confessions;
dark and sate of passion, sacred
truths and unholy lies."


Your final draft is honed nicely with tight image
and your unique voice.


This one is a winner in my book. (smile)

take care,

kerri

[AMETHYST]

Hi Kerri,


Thank you so much for stopping in and leaving supportive words and encouragement. I look forward to seeing your poetry here at MM, I have been priviledged to read you before and have immensely enjoyed your skill and talents--

Best Wishes, Liz ...