To Flanders Fields, Ron Dough Options

[Merlin]

To Flanders Fields

Revision 1

It didn’t end – still poppies grow
upon those graves of long ago
where soldiers’ bones forever lie;
they marched to war, to fight and die
in trenches steeped in mud or snow.

Bombs were invented that could blow
a city off the map, or mow
an army down like ripened rye –
it didn’t end.

Now comes a different, nameless foe
whose prime objective is to throw
his life unto the promised sky,
achieving martyrdom thereby;
and all the while, more blood will flow –
it didn’t end.


Original

It didn’t end – still poppies grow
upon those graves of long ago
where soldiers’ bones forever lie;
they marched to war, to fight and die
in trenches filled with mud or snow.

Bombs were invented that could blow
a city off the map or mow
a whole platoon from way up high –
it didn’t end.

Now there’s a brand-new, nameless foe
whose prime objective is to throw
his life unto the promised sky
achieving martyrdom thereby;
and all the while, more blood will flow –
it didn’t end.

[JustDaniel]

What's to say more than this is an apt update to McCrae's original, Eric. Sadly well done.

in Light of the inhumanity of man, Daniel

[Guest_Don_*]

Hi Ron,

Appears that the killing fields are seldom slow. It seems that we have enough treasure to stoke global fires to our hearts content. We just complain to verify our words are cheap.

Thanks for your verse, Ron.

Don

[jgdittier]

Dear Merlin,
The perfect choice of poetic form to make a somewhat similar point.
I believe MacRea's is slightly more positive in that he suggests, at
least to me, that he believed in the cause.
Your presentation seems to me to emphasize more the horror of war.
Both win their point when the reader feels a little empty inside.
Cheers, ron jgd

[Psyche]

Hi Merlin!

Just read The Flanders Fields and was/am impressed. Your last stanza, which refers to
suicide bombers who believe they'll attain Paradise, is so sad and fearsome. One way or another, humankind (I should really say MANkind, since it's mostly men who rule the planet) continues merrily to destroy civilization.

You've expressed this deftly in your poem. I'm afraid I don't know anything about MacRea, who are you refering to?

I'm glad I dropped in here, Merlin, since I always learn from you. What is this form called, BTW?

Thanks, Sylvia

[Merlin]

Thank you for your kind replies, Daniel, Don, Ron & Sylvia.
I see that my message was read by each of you the way I intended - that sadness that nothing has changed although there were wars to end all wars... There was a time that soldiers knew their enemy - a soldier of a different uniform, but that has changed now. There was that time when there was pride of king and country (so it was called) that motivated young men to go and tackle the enemy. Things have changed over time. In many ways, nothing has changed.

I appreciate your comments.

I've styled this closely to the original, in a way, it's a reply to it also. The form is "rondeau", a French form employing only 2 rhymes and a refrain. This variation is the 13 line one, plus refrain; there are a number of variables. Rhyme scheme is - aabba aabC aabbaC.


The original is by Lieutenant Colonel John McCrae, MD (1872-1918) Canadian Army.
Google brings up excellent links, and the reader is encouraged to look at the following -

In Flanders Fields

In Flanders Fields


Merlin

[Guest_Don_*]

Dear Merlin,

Thank you to tip of my toes for the references to "In Flanders Fields" by John McCrae. For the first time I read the full meaning of poppies. Today in the USA a veterans organization exchanges a red artificial poppy to wear denoting that the person donated.

Of all the war poems to which I have been exposed, this is truely among, if not, the best.

My hat off to Canada, our peace loving neighbor.

Don

[Merlin]

Thanks for the second look, Don.
There were things I learned too. I didn't know poppies did so well when soil was disturbed, explaining why the graveyards had so many, as did the trenches. Also, Lt Col McCrae was promoted in Punch, being only a Major in the army - who knew?
What this hobby hasn't brought to the fore.

Merlin

[Guest_Don_*]

Hi Merlin,

Our politicians take a lot of blame for events outside their control, which is poetic justice for taking credit for events equally outside their control.

Speaking of George's Budget, one of their representatives published locally that if the other party doesn't interfere, the national budget will balance in five years. One must laugh, and laugh, and laugh. Easy to bark furiously knowing a reality fence aborts veracity.

Don

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Eric.

This is a very poignant Rondeau! You make Flander's Fields look tame compared to this vision, and sadly, the truth of our world today.... I've offered a few changes to the two lines I thought had a bump in flow below, as always take or chuck.

Cheers
~Cleo


[add] {delete}


It didn’t end – still poppies grow
upon those graves of long ago
where soldiers’ bones forever lie;
they marched to war, to fight and die
in trenches filled with mud or snow.
(At first, I was going to suggest a change for 'filled' to 'packed', but on second thought, I like its inner rhyme to 'still' in L1 and alliteration to 'forever and fight.)

Bombs were invented that could blow
a city off the map or mow
a whole platoon from way up high –
it didn’t end.
L1 sounds a bit out of whack Eric. How about:
[ Atomic bombs were made to blow ] ?

Now {there’s} [comes] a {brand-new} [novice], nameless foe
whose prime objective is to throw
his life unto the promised sky
achieving martyrdom thereby;
and all the while, more blood will flow –
it didn’t end.

Great ending! WOW!

[Merlin]

Many thanks, Lori.

I see this has been given the nod, so I'll get back at it for re-consideration. It's a few days old, and I haven't been back to it. Good points you make.

Merlin

[Merlin]

I've done a quick revision above, but it may not be the final.
Your points were very valid, Lori, and I've taken them into account.

Merlin

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Eric.

I like your change of 'steeped' in place of 'filled'. And also "Now comes a different" in place of 'Now there's a brand-new'. I'm thrilled most I think with this change:
an army down like ripened rye

Could be my Boston accent, but I still feel bumps in the flow of:
Bombs were invented that could blow ?

Looking good! WHen ya have a sec, can you send me back that permission form in your message box?

Thanks!
~Cleo

To Flanders Fields

Revision 1

It didn’t end – still poppies grow
upon those graves of long ago
where soldiers’ bones forever lie;
they marched to war, to fight and die
in trenches steeped in mud or snow.

Bombs were invented that could blow
a city off the map, or mow
an army down like ripened rye –
it didn’t end.

Now comes a different, nameless foe
whose prime objective is to throw
his life unto the promised sky,
achieving martyrdom thereby;
and all the while, more blood will flow –
it didn’t end.


Original

It didn’t end – still poppies grow
upon those graves of long ago
where soldiers’ bones forever lie;
they marched to war, to fight and die
in trenches filled with mud or snow.

Bombs were invented that could blow
a city off the map or mow
a whole platoon from way up high –
it didn’t end.

Now there’s a brand-new, nameless foe
whose prime objective is to throw
his life unto the promised sky
achieving martyrdom thereby;
and all the while, more blood will flow –
it didn’t end.

[jgdittier]

Dear Eric,
So you are an excellent poet! That's not enough to say.
You are an even better teacher!!!
You generate a highly contagious appreciation for poetry and you present it
such that your readers are smitten. Someone like you could be a great
addition to the programs on a cruise ship as you play to the joys of poetry,
as you've just done.
Cheers, Ron jgd

[Merlin]

Thanks for checking back, Lori.
No, it isn't your doing - that's me who has done the bump in V2. Two reasons - 1, I'm keeping very close to the original by John McCrae, and his 2nd verse begins with We are the dead..., a forceful start. I've patterned my rhyme after his, going with "O & I" rhymes, and am trying to keep his cadence. 2nd, the falling bombs aren't meant to be smooth.
I'll fiddle with this and have the final tonite, and then send the form back.

Thank you Ron, let me know when the cruise leaves and I'll get my kit packed.

Merlin

[Merlin]

Thanks to everyone who stopped by to read this.

As mentioned, I have given it much consideration and will leave it stand as is in Rev. 1.

Merlin

[Guest_Rich Roach_*]

Hi, Merlin!

It's so great to find you again, and to read your magical verse. This version reminds me of a Don Mclean song about the war http://www.lyrics007.com/Don%20McLean%20Ly...e%20Lyrics.html It's worth a serious listen.

My suggestions?

The first verse is flawless, smooth, powerful.

The rest of the poem mirrors the first.

What a great idea to make the first foot of the second verse a trochee instead of an iamb!

I have nothing but praise for this - you would put a smile on John's face, for sure.

Rich

[Guest_Rich Roach_*]

Oh, one suggestion!

Get someone to etch this poem onto stone.

Rich

[Merlin]

Hi Rich,

Thank you for your kind words, and the link. It's always a treat to see the old gang again. I see Kathy is reappearing on the web also.

Dear John - yes, he's missed. He would have enjoyed this, and as he said - you Canadians seem to do those well (about a similar one I once did).

I'll stay on the lookout for ya.

Merlin

[Guest_Kathy_*]

Hi Merlin, It's about time someone attempted a reply to 'In Flanders Fields.' I'm sure that poem has inspired many a budding poet to try the Rondeau. Me included.

You make effective use of the refrain, and have retained the iambic tetrameter and spirit of the original. It's a parody really, isn't it, but a complimetary one.

I stumbled with the metre in the second stanza at 'bombs were invented'. John McRae had a weak spondee here, with the most emphasis on the second. You have a trochee though, which throws it off, to my ear. 'Invented' complicates it further. Respectfully, may I suggest something like:


New bombs were made and they could blow
a city off the map, or mow
an army down like ripened rye –
it didn’t end.

I blink at 'promised' sky in the last stanza. 'His life' also clangs in some small way. Perhaps you can have another go at that line? More easily said than done, I know. This is the sort of thing I was thinking:

his own life from the open sky

Now comes a different, nameless foe
whose prime objective is to throw
his life unto the promised sky,
achieving martyrdom thereby;
and all the while, more blood will flow –
it didn’t end.

And also 'nameless'. They aren't really nameless are they. Well, not any more than any other soldier, including the ones JM wrote about. They are lots of other useful adjectives though, like 'deadly' ........

Hugs and thanks for posting this. You certainly haven't lost your touch!