Melodies of Life (revision one), R&M (life through the seasons) Options

[Eisa]

Melodies of Life (first revision -- 3/02/07)


When tranquil cradle songs imbue the earth,
rain falls to suckle flora; creatures rouse
from dormancy, then couple to give birth --
while spring delivers buds to pregnant boughs.
The fields revive with buttercup bouquets
as bluebirds fly to lands of lullabies
across the rain-bowed sky. My mama sways
me in her arms while singing hush-a-bye.

Soon adolescence shouts its bold refrains
while greenery grows vigorous and new.
My life matures, sap flowing through young veins
while music blasts a too loud youth debut.
Soon summer’s jazz and rock play stronger sounds
as hormones surge through blood and love transpires.
A blaze of colours swells as earth abounds
with energetic zest for life’s desires.

When autumn’s pace but dawdles, I repose…
observe as shades transform to rusty blends.
This slower tempo lulls me ‘til I doze
while desiccating foliage descends.
As time erodes my life I feel dismay,
my changing look precipitates those fears.
When blossoms fade, then wrinkle and decay,
my summer’s flush declines then disappears.

I hear with strains of winter’s chilled advance
and feel ambivalent of distant days.
When snowflakes drift, their softness will enhance
the stark reality of life’s malaise.
Will mist surround my mind’s befuddled dreams,
purloin my dignity when time seems false?
As cold entices sleep, the sun will gleam
once more for me to dance … that final waltz.

When Winter exits with a funeral dirge,
once dormant life bestirs, becoming rife.
Sustaining showers fall as shrubs emerge
-- in rhythm with the melodies of life.




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Melodies of Life

When soothing cradle songs imbue the earth
rain falls to suckle flora, creatures rouse
from dormancy, then couple and give birth,
while spring delivers buds to pregnant boughs.
The fields revive with buttercup bouquets
as blue-birds fly to lands of lullabies
across the rain-bowed sky. My mama sways
me in her arms while singing hush-a-bye.

Soon adolescence shouts its bold refrains
when greenery grows vigorous and new.
My life matures as sap flows through young veins
while music blasts out loud for youth’s debut.
So summer’s jazz and rock play stronger sounds
as hormones surge through blood and love transpires.
A blaze of colours swell as earth abounds
with energetic zest for life’s desires.

When pace of autumn dawdles, I repose,
observing shades transform to rusty blends.
This slower tempo lulls me ‘til I doze
as desiccating foliage descends.
Now time erodes my life; I feel dismay.
My changing look precipitates those fears.
When blossoms fade, they wrinkle and decay
as summer’s flush declines then disappears.

I hear the strains of winter’s chilled advance
and feel ambivalent of distant days.
When snowflakes drift, their softness will enhance
the stark reality of life’s malaise.
Will mist surround my mind in fuddled dreams,
purloin my dignity when time seems false?
As cold entices sleep, the sun will gleam
once more for me to dance, that final waltz.

When Winter exits with a funeral dirge,
once dormant life bestirs, becoming rife.
Sustaining showers fall as shrubs emerge,
in rhythm with the melodies of life.

[JLY]

Snow,
You give us so much to ponder...change of seasons, maturation, perspectives on life. This requires one to read it through several times.

Some quick comments.

blue-birds does not have to be hypenated.....bluebirds is fine.

This line feels a little incomplete to me.....

and feel ambivalent of distant days. It may be just me, but I always tend to add too many adjectives when few are best, however, I think it would work better if you created the line like

and feel ambivalent of distant, dour days dour(or a similar word) could be used to better explain the word malaise you use in the following lines.

This is one that I will read again and again.
JLY

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Snow,

I wanted to let you know I'd been here but I'd like to look this over a bit before making any comments. I will be back!

Cathy

[Eisa]

Snow,
You give us so much to ponder...change of seasons, maturation, perspectives on life. This requires one to read it through several times.

Some quick comments.

blue-birds does not have to be hypenated.....bluebirds is fine.

This line feels a little incomplete to me.....

and feel ambivalent of distant days. It may be just me, but I always tend to add too many adjectives when few are best, however, I think it would work better if you created the line like

and feel ambivalent of distant, dour days dour(or a similar word) could be used to better explain the word malaise you use in the following lines.

This is one that I will read again and again.
JLY

Thanks for your suggestion John -- I think perhaps it's ' distant' is the wrong word there. I left it in from the original, but it may need changing. I'll certainly give that some thought.

Snow

[Eisa]

Hi Snow,

I wanted to let you know I'd been here but I'd like to look this over a bit before making any comments. I will be back!

Cathy

Thanks Cathy -- I look forward to your return.

Snow

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Snow,

I made it back! LOL Although I couldn't find much to 'nit' about! Just a suggestion or two which you are free to use or lose...

Cathy

When soothing cradle songs imbue the earth
rain falls to suckle flora, creatures rouse
from dormancy, then couple and give birth,
while spring delivers buds to pregnant boughs.
The fields revive with buttercup bouquets
as blue-birds fly to lands of lullabies
across the rain-bowed sky. My mama sways
me in her arms while singing hush-a-bye.

This is beautiful! I like the connection between life and nature. I don't think the hyphen is needed in 'bluebirds' or 'rainbowed' though.

Soon adolescence shouts its bold refrains
when greenery grows vigorous and new.
My life matures as sap flows through young veins
while music blasts out loud for youth’s debut.
So summer’s jazz and rock play stronger sounds
as hormones surge through blood and love transpires.
A blaze of colours swell as earth abounds
with energetic zest for life’s desires.

The last four lines really work well with the time of life you are describing. The intensity of word choice along with the memory of teen years is just about perfect!

When pace of autumn dawdles, I repose,
observing shades transform to rusty blends.
This slower tempo lulls me ‘til I doze
as desiccating foliage descends.
{Now}[As] time erodes my life; I feel dismay.
My changing look precipitates those fears.
When blossoms fade, they wrinkle and decay
as summer’s flush declines then disappears.

I hear the strains of winter’s chilled advance
and feel ambivalent of distant days.
When snowflakes drift, their softness will enhance
the stark reality of life’s malaise.
Will mist surround my mind['s] {in}[be]fuddled dreams,
purloin my dignity when time seems false?
As cold entices sleep, the sun will gleam
once more for me to dance, that final waltz.

When Winter exits with a funeral dirge,
once dormant life bestirs, becoming rife.
Sustaining showers fall as shrubs emerge,
in rhythm with the melodies of life.

As I said before... I like the connection between life and nature. The changes in the seasons seem to go hand-in-hand with the changes in life. I think you've done a wonderful job with this!

Cathy

[Eisa]

Hi Cathy -- good to see you back. Hope your computer's ok now.

I spent quite a lot of time revising this one last year, but recenty concentrated on the 1st stanza which I felt let it down ... so the 1st St is completely rewritten so I'm glad you didn't find anything major wrong there. LOL!

Your suggestions are just what I need to put the final polish on this. I like your suggestion for 'befuddled' a small change but makes thet line sound so much better imo.

Thanks

Snow

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Snow,

I'm glad I could offer something useful! *smiles*

Cathy

[AMETHYST]

Hi Snow...

I think I remember this one. This is beautiful. I've got some thoughts for alternative word choices in some various lines, and some appauding compliments about the skill you've used in creating such a lovely poem.

Hugs, Liz

Melodies of Life

When soothing cradle songs imbue the earth

The word soothing might be substituted by words such as; tranquil or clement. I suppose soothing is so often used and I make the suggestion for mere freshening up. "clement' is rarely used, but fits nicely in meaning and holds an alliterative rhyme with cradle - although tranquil loses the alliterative addition, the meaning is more in line with your intent I think....


rain falls to suckle flora, creatures rouse
from dormancy, then couple and give birth,

Perhaps, 'then couple to give birth,' these lines are quite beautiful with the imagery they offer.

while spring delivers buds to pregnant boughs.
The fields revive with buttercup bouquets
as blue-birds fly to lands of lullabies
across the rain-bowed sky. My mama sways
me in her arms while singing hush-a-bye.

So beautiful. Not a nit. I enjoyed the transition from nature, into the mothering sense of the narrator ...

Soon adolescence shouts its bold refrains
when greenery grows vigorous and new.
My life matures as sap flows through young veins
while music blasts out loud for youth’s debut.
So summer’s jazz and rock play stronger sounds
as hormones surge through blood and love transpires.
A blaze of colours swell as earth abounds
with energetic zest for life’s desires.

Oh this too is amazingly profound and beautiful... The only thought I have is for L3, perhaps...
My life matures, as flowing sap through young veins (the switch makes a double Iamb and allows for a nice change up in meter--to give variety to the rhythm. ) In L4, the word blasts felt harsh and out of place, I think because I see blasts (as loud) and it feels awkward. Perhaps...
"while music bursts loudly for youth's debut. Or perhaps...While music wails out loud for youth's debut. " ...

When pace of autumn dawdles, I repose,
observing shades transform to rusty blends.
This slower tempo lulls me ‘til I doze
as desiccating foliage descends.
Now time erodes my life; I feel dismay.
My changing look precipitates those fears.
When blossoms fade, they wrinkle and decay
as summer’s flush declines then disappears.

I hear the strains of winter’s chilled advance

Perhaps... "I hear stiff (or stilled) strains of winter's chilled advance "

and feel ambivalent of distant days.
When snowflakes drift, their softness will enhance
the stark reality of life’s malaise.
Will mist surround my mind in fuddled dreams,

Perhaps ... 'Will mist surround my fuddled mind in dreams, '


purloin my dignity when time seems false?
As cold entices sleep, the sun will gleam
once more for me to dance, that final waltz.

Absolutely Beautiful. What a sense of confessional admittance of the fears and realities of getting older... These images reflect such beauty, defining the narrators soulful, simplistic and graceful spirit. I love the many images and reflections you've woven to bring to life an inner battle of facing our youth's passing...

When Winter exits with a funeral dirge,
once dormant life bestirs, becoming rife.
Sustaining showers fall as shrubs emerge,
in rhythm with the melodies of life.

What an excellent ending. Cycling life and intwining it with nature all around us... This is wonderful. A unimportant thought might be in L3, perhaps bringing it back and connecting it back to S1, by changing 'shrubs to buds' .... Hmmm, actually maybe not, a shrub comes before the bud doesn't it? ... Oh well... Hugs, liz

[JustDaniel]

Excellent walk through the seasons of life, Snow

I'll just hobble through it at this stage of mine, okay?

Melodies of Life

When soothing cradle songs imbue the earth[,]
rain falls to suckle flora[;] (,) creatures rouse
from dormancy, then couple and give birth (,)
while spring delivers buds to pregnant boughs.
The fields revive with buttercup bouquets
as blue-birds fly to lands of lullabies
[ I don't think you need the hyphen in either of these lines ? ]
across the rain-bowed sky. My mama sways
me in her arms while singing hush-a-bye. [ italics added ? ]

Soon adolescence shouts its bold refrains
when while greenery grows vigorous and new.
My life matures[,] as sap flowing through young veins
while music blasts out a too-loud for youth ’s debut.
Soon summer’s jazz and rock play stronger sounds
as hormones surge through blood[,] and love transpires.
A blaze of colours swells as earth abounds [ blaze... swells ]
with energetic zest for life’s desires.

When pace of autumn's pace but dawdles, I repose[...] (,)
observe ing as shades transform to rusty blends.
This slower tempo lulls me ‘til I doze
as while desiccating foliage descends.
Now time erodes my life; I feel dismay.
My changing look precipitates those fears.
When blossoms fade, they then wrinkle and decay[,]
as my summer’s flush declines[...] then disappears.

I hear the strains of winter’s chilled advance
[ or, if I may wink... I hear with strains of... ]
and feel ambivalent of distant days.
When snowflakes drift, their softness will enhance
the stark reality of life’s malaise.
Will mist surround my mind in fuddled dreams,
purloin my dignity when time seems false?
As cold entices sleep, the sun will gleam
once more for me to dance[...] (,) that final waltz.

When Winter exits with a funeral dirge,
once[-]dormant life bestirs, becoming rife.
Sustaining showers fall as shrubs emerge (,)
in rhythm with the melodies of life.

hobblin' off Lightly, Daniel

[Eisa]

Hi Liz

I'm so glad you called here. This was one of the first poems I posted on 911 and it's thanks to your help and advice that this needs little changing now. I did start it on PK in the mild critique forum -- long ago!

I love your suggestions and will chew them over tomorrow when I'll have more time.

Thanks Liz -- I think this will soon be polished!

Hugs Snow

[Eisa]

Hi Daniel

It's good to see you in my thread.(even if you come hobbling in)

You have made some good suggestions which I will digest tomorrow when I have more time.

Thank you Daniel.

Snow

[Eisa]

Thanks all for your suggestions -- I've done some tweaking, but still open to other suggestions.

Snow