Hi Linda
This is a powerful poem
I really like it's theme, its message and the storytelling with the late reveal etc.
I have one or two suggestions for tidying up some of the lines but first I really wanted to impress how much I enjoyed the way you drew me in and built up the atmoshpere.
So my suggestions are for altering the line breaks to assist with the meaning and keep each verse to the same number of shorter lines (I have set out a suggestion for this at the bottom) and some punctuation revision as well as a few word choice suggestions;
'She waits patiently, listening for the
clanging of hooves on the rooftop and bells softly
jingling,'
This is nice. You have a lot of bell like sounds here with all the present participles and the sibilants and fricatives.
'but hears only the pounding of her neglected heart in the
icy chilliness of December’s air'.
Here I wonderd if you could use 'chill' instead of 'chilliness', which I find a little long. imho 'chill' feels colder and more ominous.
I would like to suggest a punctuation revision in the next line;
'Her hands(,) purple and chapped, she places them over
To me if you lose that first comma it makes more sense?
In the next two lines I wonder if you could find alternatives for 'keeps going' and 'bring back' as these two seem a little long and as fireplace and fire are close I wondered about 'hearth' to avoid the repetition of the 'fire' syllable?
'the small fire she carefully (keeps going) tends or nurtures or kindles in her (fireplace) hearth,
desperately hoping to (bring back) restore feeling, as she waits.'
Then in the next line I would like to suggest 'speckeld gold' in place of 'speckles of gold' so your 'clours of' refers to all three colours;
'Through faint colors of red, green and speckled(s) (of) gold',
The followng line you have 'a surge of excitement warms her insides as she harks back..' and I would like to suggest maybe shortening this by using 'surge' as a verb and either finding an alternative for insides, (or merly dropping the final s?), or cutting the word entirely. And for 'harks back to' I would like to suggest 'recalls'. So the line would look like this;
'an excitement surges to warm her as she recalls Christmas', or
''excitement surges and warms her as she recalls Christmas'
And I think you need to drop the comma after 'Christmas' unless you mean for 'lights covering etc.' to be a new thought, in which case I would suggest a semi colon after 'Christmas'. But I read it as 'recalls Christmas lights'?
'lights covering the curved bushes in front of her childhood home',
I really liked 'covering the curved bushes in front of her childhood home' 'covering the curved' has a good sound.
And I like the alliteration and assonance in the following line too;
'and a slight smile widens her serious face.'
In the next line can I suggest a semi colon after 'cinnamon'?
and another after 'closeness'?
I also would like to suggest the verb sate instead of satiate?
Then you would have 'that once sated her desire...'
That seems easier to say and hear?
And I wonder if in 'living rewarding' it is one too many 'ing' sounds?
Could that perhaps be; 'a time that made life rewarding and meaningful.'?
In the next line I would like to suggest inserting 'too' before 'soon' to add emphasis to the shortness of the fantasy. And you could possibly cut 'is' and 'the' from this line as well? I also feel the 'sounds' could become 'sound' as it is one type of sound.
And imho it should be another semicolon after 'gunshots'. And a full stop after 'barrel'?
Then in your next lines, could you perhaps use the present indicative instead of the participle for the verbs 'to fade' and 'to permeate'? that seems to make them easier to speak.
Also I wondered if you could echo your 'the darkness of an unfeeling night' with the stench of... a stagnant air'? so replacing 'the' with 'a' before 'stagnant'?
Punctuation wise I feel another fullstop after 'air' would work and droping the comma after 'night'.
For the last two lines I have the following suggestions;
'But yet' to replace 'But still' only because 'still' has the additional meaning of lack of motion or lack of sound but you have already introduced gunshot so don't want to quieten it with 'stil'.. And there is half rhyme with 'but' and 'yet'
And possibly 'clings' to replace 'holds on' as clings to a glimmer' has assonance. Also clings to seems to have more desperation about it than 'holds on to'?
And finally it might be possible to cut 'shining' so the final line would be;
'she clings to a glimmer of hope'
Below is the poem with my suggstions incoroporated and a suggested revision of the line breaks;
I hope all this is helpful and hope you don't mind my taking liberties with your poignant chilling poem?
'She waits patiently,
listening for the
clanging of hooves on the rooftop
and bells softly jingling,
but hears only the pounding of her neglected heart
in the icy chill of December’s air.
Her hands purple and chapped,
she places them over
the small fire she carefully kindles
in her hearth,
desperately hoping
to restore feeling, as she waits.
Through faint colors of red, green and speckled gold,
an excitement surges
and warms her as she recalls
Christmas lights covering the curved bushes
in front of her childhood home,
and a slight smile widens her serious face.
She closes her eyes
and smells peppermint, spice, pine and cinnamon;
flavors and scents that once sated
her desire for family and closeness;
a time that made life
rewarding and meaningful.
Her fantasy too soon replaced by sound of gunshots;
a dwindling fire shared in a rusted barrel.
City lights fade into the darkness of an unfeeling night,
and the stench of decaying garbage permeates a stagnant air.
But yet, like the magic of the season,
she clings to a glimmer of hope.
© Linda Balboni 2006
Happy Holiday
jenni :-)