My Life Gallops (4th revision), Free Verse Options

[Eisa]

My Life Gallops (4th revision)

The foal teeters on scattered hay;
I yell fiercely upon delivery
in the farmhouse.

She grows in hands --
I inch up in feet.
Clip-clop she trots
taking me in my buggy
to Old MacDonald�s Farm.

I straddle my Morgan�s saddle,
canter her within the stable yard.
Yet, my spirit races across cornfields
outside confinements, until
we reach distant hills.

Gidd-up!
I ride bare-back as my filly gallops
through poppy strewn meadows;
Hair ruffled, I�m exhilarated
by crimson splashes
and wafts of fresh-cut scents
as we leap across hedge-ways.

Stumbling, my jaded mare begins
to lope along a rutted track,
lined with desiccated acacia trees,
the verges strewn with faded daisies.

I see the horizon undulate,
but reins slip, my weary hands
begin to lose their grip.
My horse won�t stop,
I can�t dismount
-- take time to see
the scenery.
She hurtles on past balding trees,
jumping across frosted hurdles.

Whoa!
Skidding on ice-flecked track
gravity snatches her --
I�m catapulted to the ground;
whinnies resound, her body broken.

I ache with regret,
lush hillside within my vision;
we tremble as I cling to her,
waiting ... �

hear the shot
... feel no more pain.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My Life Gallops (3rd revision)

The foal teeters on scattered hay;
I yell fiercely upon delivery
in the farmhouse.

She grows in hands
while I inch up in feet.
Clip-clop she trots
taking me in my buggy
to hear the black sheep
on Old MacDonald�s Farm.

I groom my Morgan�s coat,
straddle her leather saddle and
canter her within the stable yard.
I hanker for adventure outside
these walls, to race across cornfields
verging on verdant hills.

Gidd-up!
The filly gallops through
poppy strewn meadows.
I ride bare-back, hair ruffled,
exhilarated by crimson splashes
and wafts of fresh cut hedge-ways.

We stumble on stony ground,
as my jaded mare lopes
across acres of faded daisies
and desiccating acacia trees.

I see the undulating horizon
but reins slip, my weary hands
begin to lose their grip.
My horse won�t stop,
I can�t dismount
-- take time to see
the scenery.
She hurtles on past balding trees,
jumping across frosted hurdles.

Whoa!
Skidding on ice-flecked track
she catapults me downward;
whinnies resound as gravity
snatches her -- body breaking.

I gaze toward distant hills,
cling to her --trembling.

We wait �
I hear the shot
� feel no more pain.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My Life Gallops 15/02/07

While the foal�s limbs tremble,
on scattered hay,
I yell fiercely on delivery
in the farmhouse.

She grows in hands
while I inch up in feet.
Clip-clop she trots
taking me in a buggy
to baa-baaing black sheep
on Old MacDonald�s Farm.

I groom my Morgan�s chestnut coat,
straddle her leather saddle and
canter her within the stable yard.
I hanker for adventure outside
these walls, to race across cornfields
verging on verdant hills.

Gidd-up!
My filly gallops through meadows
splashed with indigo and scarlet
of violas and poppies.
I ride bare-back, hair ruffled,
exhilarated by fresh wafts
of cut hedge-ways and clover scents.

We stumble on stony ground,
as my jaded mare lopes
across acres of faded daisies
and desiccating acacia trees.

I see the undulating horizon
but reins slip, my weary hands
begin to lose their grip.
My horse won�t stop,
I can�t dismount
-- take time to see
the scenery.
She hurtles on past balding trees,
jumping across frosted hurdles.

Whoa!
She skids on ice-flecked track,
I�m catapulted to the ground.
As gravity snatches her unsteady form,
her whinnies resound -- body broken.

I gaze toward distant hills,
cling to her, our bodies shaking.

We wait ...�
I hear the shot
... feel no more pain.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My Life Gallops

The foal�s limbs tremble,
she suckles and strengthens.
Clip-clop she trots
taking me in a buggy
to baa-baaing black sheep
on Old MacDonald�s Farm.

Straddling her leather saddle
we canter inside the stable yard,
longing for freedom outside these walls
to explore fields, verging on verdant hills.

Gidd-up!
The filly gallops through
wild meadow flowers.
I ride bare-back, hair ruffled,
exhilarated by vibrant hues
and wafting heady scents.

When stumbling on stony ground,
my jaded mare lopes
across acres of faded blossoms
and desiccating scenery.

I see the undulating horizon
but reins slip, my weary hands
begin to lose their grip.
My horse won�t stop,
I can�t dismount
-- take time to see
the scenery.
She hurtles on past balding trees,
jumping across frosted hurdles.

Whoa!
The nag skids on ice-flecked track,
I�m catapulted to the ground.
As gravity snatches her unsteady form
her whinnies resound.

I gaze toward distant hills
and cling to her, our bodies shaking,
waiting �

� I hear the shot,
and feel no more pain.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I wrote the original last year and it was criticised (elsewhere) for being confusing and the ending predictable. I don't really know whether I've made it any clearer or whether this harsh ending is any better.


My Life Gallops (revision)

The foal�s limbs tremble,
she�s suckled and strengthens;
�til clip-clop she trots
taking me in a buggy
to baa-baaing black sheep,
on Old MacDonald�s Farm.

Straddling her leather saddle
we canter inside the stable yard,
I long for freedom outside the walls
to explore fields and reach the hills.

Gidd-up!
The filly gallops through
wild meadow flowers,
I ride bare-back, hair ruffled,
exhilarated by vibrant hues
and wafts of heady scents.

When stumbling on stony ground
my jaded mare lopes
across acres of faded blossoms
and desiccating scenery.

I see the undulating horizon
but reins slip, my weary hands
begin to lose their grip.
My horse won�t stop,
I can�t dismount to unwind�
take time to see the scenery.
She hurtles on past balding trees
jumping across frosty hurdles.

Whoa!
The nag skids on ice-flecked track,
I�m catapulted to the ground
as gravity snatches her unsteady form
-- her whinnies resound.

I gaze toward distant hills
and cling to her, our bodies shaking,
waiting �

� I hear the shot --
feel no more pain.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Life Gallops (original)


The foal�s limbs tremble,
then slowly steady
to `clip clop�
and pull my buggy --
past Mother Goose.

In spring the filly frolics
through wild meadow flowers.
I ride bare-back
in the arena of vivid colours,
intoxicated
by heady blossoms.

“Gee-up! No time to canter
around this carousel.”
I�m giddy from spinning circles.

Now the mare lopes
across stony ground
until jaded -- my gusto faded.

“ Halt!” the reins are slipping;
my perspiring hands
begin to lose their grip.
I can�t dismount --
unwind,
take time to see the scenery.
This horse gallops on --
hurtles towards hurdles.

The nag retires, its gait arrested,
after catapulting me to the ground.
I straddle the fence, watching
her limp and graze pastures.

I wonder when --
we�ll have to say goodbye.

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Snow,

Sounds like some wonderful memories but then it turns into a nightmare. Hopefully just a dream!

A few thoughts and suggestions... use or lose! *smiles*

Cathy

The foal�s limbs tremble,
she{�s} suckle[s]{d} and strengthens[.]{;}
{�til} c][C]lip-clop she trots[,]
taking me in a buggy
to baa-baaing black sheep{,}
on Old MacDonald�s Farm.

Is this next verse a whole new time period? In verse one you're in a buggy and now you're in a saddle.

Straddling her leather saddle
we canter inside the stable yard[.]{,}
I long for freedom outside the walls
to explore fields and reach the hills.

I'm assuming that these are all different experiences cause now you're riding bare-back. lol

Gidd-up!
The filly gallops through
wild meadow flowers[.]{,}
I ride bare-back, hair ruffled,
exhilarated by vibrant hues
and wafts of heady scents. 'wafting heady scents'...?

When stumbling on stony ground
my jaded mare lopes
across acres of faded blossoms
and desiccating scenery.

I see the undulating horizon
but reins slip, my weary hands
begin to lose their grip.
My horse won�t stop,
I can�t dismount to unwind�
take time to see the scenery.
She hurtles on past balding trees[,]
jumping across frosty hurdles.

Whoa!
The nag skids on ice-flecked track,
I�m catapulted to the ground[.]
As gravity snatches her unsteady form
-- her whinnies resound.

I gaze toward distant hills
and cling to her, our bodies shaking,
waiting �

� I hear the shot --
feel no more pain. Wow! what a shocking end!


'Twould look like this...

The foal�s limbs tremble,
she suckles and strengthens.
Clip-clop she trots,
taking me in a buggy
to baa-baaing black sheep,
on Old MacDonald�s Farm.

Straddling her leather saddle
we canter inside the stable yard.
I long for freedom outside the walls
to explore fields and reach the hills.

Gidd-up!
The filly gallops through
wild meadow flowers,
I ride bare-back, hair ruffled,
exhilarated by vibrant hues
and wafting heady scents.

When stumbling on stony ground
my jaded mare lopes
across acres of faded blossoms
and desiccating scenery.

I see the undulating horizon
but reins slip, my weary hands
begin to lose their grip.
My horse won�t stop,
I can�t dismount to unwind�
take time to see the scenery.
She hurtles on past balding trees,
jumping across frosty hurdles.

Whoa!
The nag skids on ice-flecked track,
I�m catapulted to the ground.
As gravity snatches her unsteady form
-- her whinnies resound.

I gaze toward distant hills
and cling to her, our bodies shaking,
waiting �

� I hear the shot --
feel no more pain.

[Eisa]

Hi Cathy

Thanks for giving me some thoughts on this one. I have included the original now aswell for comparison.

I have used the horse as a metaphor for life, starting as a foal, then filly, mare and ending as a nag (old horse) I don't think this comes across well and I feel I still have some thinking to do on parts of it.

Thanks for your help

Snow

[AMETHYST]

Hi Snow,

I loved the multi-levelled interpretation through out this poem. The sound devices work well, as they seem to lead into another and then blend without feeling forced. I especially think this is most notable in S2. Lovely choice words and imagery.

What I thought this was most applaudable for is the duality, as it can be read (especially with that final line) the narrator depicting her life metaphorically through the life of this foal, while also, living her life through the love and passion of the foal and as they both grew together...noting that when the horse was put down, the narrator died (metaphorically) too.

I've got some other thoughts, minor suggestions. There isn't much to nit pick at here...

Hugs, Liz

My Life Gallops (revision)

The title is strong. I like the "MY" as it offers me that dual meaning. It could introduce to the reader this is the narrators life, depicted as if a foal, while also, inviting the image that this foal and her growing was most important to the narrator and was 'her life' and how quickly the years, the foal and the narrator grew and were gone!

The foal�s limbs tremble,
she�s suckled and strengthens;
�til clip-clop she trots
taking me in a buggy
to baa-baaing black sheep,
on Old MacDonald�s Farm.

Good opening stanza. I think Cathy offered a very strong revision idea, especially for L3.

Straddling her leather saddle
we canter inside the stable yard,
I long for freedom outside the walls
to explore fields and reach the hills.

The sounds here are inviting. Straddling/saddle/stable/ long/explore freedom/fields walls/hills they all just add such life and movement to the poem ... In L2, perhaps ... either stable stall or just leaving stable ... L3, suggest instead of the walls, perhaps these walls as L4, I think could do with some spicing up!


Some minor thoughts to weed a little...

Example:
Straddling her leather saddle,
we canter inside the stable
longing for freedom outside these walls
to explore fields, verging verdant hills.




Gidd-up!
The filly gallops through
wild meadow flowers,
I ride bare-back, hair ruffled,
exhilarated by vibrant hues
and wafts of heady scents.

The use of verdant in L4 of S2 will work beautiful as well with 'vibrant.
Some minor thoughts pertaining to line breaks...

Gidd-up!
The filly gallops
through wild meadow
flowers. I ride bare-back,
hair ruffled, exhilarated
by vibrant hues
wafting heady scents.
[b]


When stumbling on stony ground
my jaded mare lopes
across acres of faded blossoms
and desiccating scenery.

[b] The wear of the journey is presented well here, rough spots
that trip us along the way. I like the simple tone of this stanza as if the turn of a corner.

I see the undulating horizon
but reins slip, my weary hands
begin to lose their grip.
My horse won�t stop,
I can�t dismount to unwind�
take time to see the scenery.
She hurtles on past balding trees
jumping across frosty hurdles.


L5, line break after dismount
L6, line break after see (I like the phrase 'see the scenery' )

Example:
I see the undulating horizon,
but reins slip, my weary hands
begin to lose their grip.
My horse won't stop,
I can't dismount
to take time to see
the scenery.
She hurtles past balding trees
jumping across frosty hurdles.


Whoa!
The nag skids on ice-flecked track,
I�m catapulted to the ground
as gravity snatches her unsteady form
-- her whinnies resound.

Excellent active stanza. Not a nit!

I gaze toward distant hills
and cling to her, our bodies shaking,
waiting �

� I hear the shot --
feel no more pain.

Very powerful ending. Not a nit. Strong and intense.

[Eisa]

Thanks for giving your thoughts on this Liz. I was concerned whether I was on the right track with it. I'll have more time next week and give it a few tweaks.

Thanks again

Hugs Snow

[Cyn]

Hi Snow

I think I like the original better in some ways.

Straddling the fence is an image I should want to keep. And all in all I think if you used most of your original and maybe some of your wording from the new and just dropped the I wonder line, it would work well.

I don't think (in either of these versions) you really need to "sum it up"

[Eisa]

Hi Snow

I think I like the original better in some ways.

Straddling the fence is an image I should want to keep. And all in all I think if you used most of your original and maybe some of your wording from the new and just dropped the I wonder line, it would work well.

I don't think (in either of these versions) you really need to "sum it up"

Thanks Cyn -- I appreciate your thoughts and will bear them in mind when i revise.

Snow

[Eisa]

Revision coming up!

Snow

[Cleo_Serapis]

This is a very poignant poem Snow.

I am a tad confused though - is the ending that she stumbled into a graveyard? What is the shot?

Awaiting your reply,
~Cleo

[Eisa]

This is a very poignant poem Snow.

I am a tad confused though - is the ending that she stumbled into a graveyard? What is the shot?

Awaiting your reply,
~Cleo

Hi Lori

I have been wondering if someone would question that as it might not be too clear.

The 'shot' is the vet putting the poor horse 'to sleep' as it's very badly injured.

Snow

[Cleo_Serapis]

Ah, Ok Snow.

I think perhaps one more line might be needed (or a reference to the vet) because as it stands, it's not so clear.

You say:

Whoa!
The nag skids on ice-flecked track,
I�m catapulted to the ground
as gravity snatches her unsteady form
-- her whinnies resound.
Perhaps adding another line here like:
Her body - broken.

I gaze toward distant hills
and cling to her, our bodies shaking,
waiting �

� I hear the shot --
feel no more pain.

~Cleo

[Eisa]

Ah, Ok Snow.

I think perhaps one more line might be needed (or a reference to the vet) because as it stands, it's not so clear.

You say:

Whoa!
The nag skids on ice-flecked track,
I�m catapulted to the ground
as gravity snatches her unsteady form
-- her whinnies resound.
Perhaps adding another line here like:
Her body - broken.

I gaze toward distant hills
and cling to her, our bodies shaking,
waiting �

� I hear the shot --
feel no more pain.

~Cleo

Lori -- that is exactly what I'm looking for and will that stanza sound much clearer.

Thanks Snow

[Eisa]

Latest revision coming up!

Snow

[Eisa]

Any comments on my last revision would be appreciated.

Thanks

Snow

[AMETHYST]

Oh My MY Snow ...

The latest revision is ... is ... WONDERFUL! The new detailed imagery brings it to life, allowing the reader to ride with the narrator, to grow with them both, to smell the scents and envision the beauty of the land and sights that the narrator is a part of ...

I've not another nit to pick on - too many new points to reference of the beauty, but this is one of my several favorite parts.

Gidd-up!
The filly gallops through meadows
splashed with indigo and scarlet
of violas and poppies.
I ride bare-back, hair ruffled,
exhilarated by fresh wafts
of cut hedge-ways and clover scents.

Perhaps a minor nit, instead of The filly, maybe My filly -

of and then there is the inclusion of Morgan, allowing the reader to be personal with the filly, with the narrator and her love of the horse.

And yes, I also LOVE

can�t dismount
-- take time to see
the scenery.
She hurtles on past balding trees,
jumping across frosted hurdles.

The ending is powerful. This is truly what revision is for ... bringing to above and beyond what we could ever expect of the potential and soaring ever so higher than that! :)

Hugs, Liz

[Eisa]

Thanks Liz -- at last I can put this in my finished drawer -- and thanks for the nomination.

Hugs Snow

[AMETHYST]

You are quite welcome! I think this is one of my favorites. Hugs, Liz

[Eisa]

Another revision

Snow