Desert Crossing, Faery Award ~ Vill & Nell Options

[Merlin]

Since this is my first villanelle, I invite your generous critique. Pls see first comment for some details behind this. M

Faery Award Winner

Celtic Castle Designs


Desert Crossing

He didn’t know if he could last another day
out struggling in blind searing sand and desert sky
while not a zephyr stirred, nor cloud sailed on its way.

His throat was parched, his tongue felt like a broken dray,
its useless axel bogged in torpid alkali.
He didn’t know if he could last another day.

Above him circled three black dots in interplay,
their outstretched wings skimmed thermal freeways hidden high
while not a zephyr stirred, nor cloud sailed on its way.

A time may come in life when man wished he could pray
and though he tried, he knew his words would be a lie.
He didn’t know if he could last another day.

What was that sound he heard – a doleful donkey bray
across the dunes? He listened for its welcome sigh
while not a zephyr stirred, nor cloud sailed on its way.

They found him still alive; he’d made their hideaway
and precious waterhole. As midnight cool drew nigh,
he didn’t know if he could last another day
while not a zephyr stirred, nor cloud sailed on its way.

[Merlin]

This is in response to a challenge - 6 banned words. The subject is HEAT, and words not allowed are:
global warming
hell (or heck)
burn (including sunburn)
temperature
summer
and, of course,
heat (including hot)

Being a sucker for punishment, I added to my own list such descriptives as "sun, flame, etc." Hopefully my message of a hot scene gets created.

Furthermore, it sort-of just happened that this became iambic hexameter, rather than a more manageable form of tetra- or pentameter. Of course, your read may well have a different meter, which is normal.

I'm looking forward to your comments.

Merlin

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Merlin,

I've never been able to write one of these without it sounding awful. lol But not yours! Even the repetition sounds natural! Your imagery is very vivid and makes it easy to imagine crossing the desert alone. You did a great job with the challenge. You should post one in the Acropolis for us to try!

A few suggestions... feel free to use or lose! *smiles*
Cathy

He didn’t know if he could last another day
out struggling in blind searing sand and desert sky Should there be a comma after 'sky'?
while not a zephyr stirred, nor cloud sailed on its way.

'Blind searing sand', 'desert', no wind or moving cloud... great descriptions to give the allusion of heat without using your list of words!

His throat was parched, his tongue felt like a broken dray,
its useless axel bogged in torpid alkali.
He didn’t know if he could last another day.

Same here with 'parched' and the mention of his tongue...

Above him circled three black dots in interplay,
their outstretched wings skimmed thermal freeways hidden high
while not a zephyr stirred, nor cloud sailed on its way.

Great imagery! Describing birds without using the word 'bird'. It's so much more interesting this way!

A time may come in life when man wished he could pray
and though he tried, he knew his words would be a lie.
He didn’t know if he could last another day.

What was that sound he heard – a doleful donkey bray
across the dunes? He listened for its welcome sigh A comma after 'sigh'?
while not a zephyr stirred, nor cloud sailed on its way.

They found him still alive; he’d made their hideaway Whose hideaway?
and precious waterhole. As midnight cool drew nigh,
he didn’t know if he could last another day
while not a zephyr stirred, nor cloud sailed on its way.

[Psyche]

Since this is my first villanelle, I invite your generous critique. Pls see first comment for some details behind this. M

Hi Merlin !
I read your comments below and find that you've shown extraordinary talent in giving the reader of your poem the feeling of crossing that desert under a searing sun. Your imagery is brilliant, and the sensations you convey thru' them makes me feel as if I were right there, trying desperately to reach the hideaway and precious waterhole.... Desert Crossing

He didn’t know if he could last another day[,] I feel it needs a comma, either here or end of next line, maybe?
out struggling in blind searing sand and desert sky
while not a zephyr stirred, nor cloud sailed on its way.

His throat was parched, his tongue felt like a broken dray,
its useless axel bogged in torpid alkali.
He didn’t know if he could last another day.

Above him circled three black dots in interplay,
their outstretched wings skimmed thermal freeways hidden high[,]
while not a zephyr stirred, nor cloud sailed on its way. Brilliant stanza !!! Imagery splendid...

A time may come in life when man wished he could pray
and though he tried, he knew his words would be a lie.
He didn’t know if he could last another day.

What was that sound he heard – a doleful donkey bray
across the dunes? He listened for its welcome sigh[,] comma?
while not a zephyr stirred, nor cloud sailed on its way. Fantastic stanza !!! I LOVE the donkey part.

They found him still alive; he’d made their hideaway
and precious waterhole. As midnight cool drew nigh,
he didn’t know if he could last another day
while not a zephyr stirred, nor cloud sailed on its way.

You know, Merlin, I can't find any nits at all !!! Perhaps just those commas, similar to Cathy's suggestions. If this is your first villanelle, then bring on more!!!

Wonderful trip, thanks so much for sharing it with us,
cheers, Sylvia

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Merlin I have a hard time doing these type of poems, villanelles, with repeating lines folled to a certain form. I guess my forte is more in free form writing...but this was well done especially following the concept of the banned words... made me thirsty...lol.
Steve

[Guest_Don_*]

Hi Merlin,

Thoroughly enjoyed your take on desert living.

An excellent Villanelle whether or not first time.

Knowing you take poetry very seriously, I can only imagine how much time you expended to make this work just right.

Don

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Eric.

Well I congratulate you on this form, it's one I've never tempted yet and to make it even more complex, you were restricted by the challenge too. Well done with your outcome!

I have noted some items below for you to ponder as you wish.
Cheers
~Cleo

[add] {delete} (comment)

He didn’t know if he could last another day
out struggling in blind searing sand and desert sky
while not a zephyr stirred, nor cloud sailed on its way.

I’m not an expert on spotting iambs Eric, but I think L2 is ‘off’ ? How about:
besieged in blind, by searing sand and desert sky

I think L3 is off in ‘nor cloud sailed on’? dum dum dum dum
while not a zephyr stirred, no passing clouds would play.

His throat was parched, his tongue felt like a broken dray,
its useless axel bogged in torpid alkali. (excellent!)
He didn’t know if he could last another day.

Above him circled three black dots in interplay,
their outstretched wings skimmed thermal freeways hidden high
while not a zephyr stirred, {nor cloud sailed on its way.} [no passing clouds would play.]
(excellent stanza!)

A time may come in life when man wished he could pray
and though he tried, he knew his words would be a lie.
He didn’t know if he could last another day.
I think L1 is ‘off’ (when man wished he)? How about:
A time may come in life when wishing he could pray

What was that sound he heard – a doleful donkey bray
across the dunes? He listened for its welcome sigh
while not a zephyr stirred, {nor cloud sailed on its way.} [no passing clouds would play.]

They found him still alive; he’d made their hideaway
and precious waterhole. As midnight cool drew nigh,
he didn’t know if he could last another day
while not a zephyr stirred, {nor cloud sailed on its way.} [no passing clouds would play.]

[Merlin]

Thank you very much for your comments, Cathy, Sylvia, Ohsteve & Don.

Cathy & Sylvia - one of the reasons I tend to leave out commas is because I'm often too liberal with them - as tho I get them on sale at Walmart! I find myself going back and hucking the majority out again - - - but I find no contest with your comments; I should place a few more. I also go with the premise that the end of a line constitutes some form of stop, either full or partial. It looks like I'll need to direct a longer stop than no punctuation indicates. Will fix.

Cathy, as to whose hideaway - - - I asked myself the same question. It began as "the hideaway", which required the similar answer - what hideaway. Getting rid of "the", and being limited by rhyme-meter-form, I found myself wondering. Then I decided to go with that - letting the reader use some imagination as to where & what - is it a robber, a person running from the law, a prospector (ie - donkey) or who was even looking for him - the law, or his partners? All these are left to the sophisticated reader.

Steve, I'm kinda certain we're on the same shelf here - I've shied away from these things for a very long time, until finally tackling one. You & Sylvia just may see more - now that I'm over the initial shock.

Don, you're quite right. This has already been given a once-over several times (!) and I usually don't allow anything out until it passes mustard (dry mustard in this case!). I'm still doing some tweaking, esp with that "praying" line, which needs a bit of that very same medicine. I'll come up with a better wording, I'm sure.

Thank you all for coming in with kind replies.

Merlin

[Merlin]

Thanks Lori,

We were cross posting, so I'll get back with more in a bit.
You're completely correct on the meter - I've read it myself as a paeon, 4 beats to the foot jn places.

I'll be back.

Merlin

[Cleo_Serapis]

I look forward to your return as I am eager to dance!

[JustDaniel]

Wow, Eric... you've turned a very difficult project into a downright villainous one...

and it's extremely difficult to imagine that this is your first one in the form! In fact I think you've already offered excellent critique (as usual) to one or two of mine ?

Anyhow, I offer a few meagre notes of very small matters... to take or toss as you please:

He didn’t know if he could last another day
out strug[']gling in through blind searing sand and desert sky
[ 'blind' felt a bit heavy accompanying the wee preposition 'in'... to my ear ]
while not a zephyr stirred, nor cloud sailed on its way.

His throat was parched[;] (,) his tongue felt like a broken dray,
[ I was initially confused here, since I couldn't figure out which 'axel' you would be referring to, so wasn't sure that you had the right spelling for it, but there are several words that fit the sound of it... plus I'd only thought of a 'dray' as a sledge... thus it wouldn't have wheels, but I see that it can also be merely a cart for carrying large loads... like in the picture I have here in my office of my great grandfather sitting on a cart bearing huge stones for railroad bridges that he constructed all across the northern US to Seattle... where one of his helpers... a son-in-law, my grandfather, became field engineer at the Port of Seattle. So may I assume that you meant 'axle' which might very well be rendered useless if his dray is axle-deep in sand ? ]
its useless axel bogged in torpid alkali.
He didn’t know if he could last another day.

Above him circled three black beaked dots in interplay,
their whose outstretched wings skimmed thermal freeways hidden high
while not a zephyr stirred, nor cloud sailed on its way.

A time may come in life when man wished he could wish to pray
and though he tried, he felt knew his words would be a lie.
He didn’t know if he could last another day.

What was that sound he heard – a doleful donkey bray
across the dunes? He listened for its welcome sigh
while not a zephyr stirred, nor cloud sailed on its way.

They found him still alive, hunched in ; he’d made their hideaway
and at precious waterhole. As midnight cool drew nigh,
he didn’t know if he could last another day[/b][...][b]
while not a zephyr stirred, nor cloud sailed on its way.

It's always pleasant just to drop inside your mind and wander, wondering what synapse I may find!

deLighting in the visit, Daniel B)

[Merlin]

Thanks once again, Lori, and thanks, Daniel.
I'll combine the reply as you've both targeted areas in need of touch-up - and I appreciate the comments given.

As to the meter first - initially I was going with iambic thus:
He DIDn’t KNOW if HE could LAST anOTHer DAY[i/].
After coming back a day later, I read it totally differently -
[i]He did-n’t KNOW if he could LAST an-other DAY,
making a 4-beat paeon instead of iambic. This could apply to several of the lines, so it's as Clement Wood states - scansion is up to the reader.

The "prayer" stanza needs rework, and Daniel's suggestions will be looked at closely. It didn't sit well from the gitgo - I wanted to apply it to THIS man, instead of generalities, but as I said before, we're rhyme & meter drive. I believe I've got some sound ideas now.

It pleases me further that the line that bothered me somewhat as to acceptance has passed well - the vultures in interplay - once again, rhyme driven.

Thank you all for the generous support and good comments.

Merlin

[AMETHYST]

Hi Eric,

I find Villanelles a challenge to write, but when done well, so lovely to read. This reads as if a well-skilled hand carved it. I just wanted to let you know at this time I have read this, and will be back later tonight when I return from work with a real criitque. For now... hats off to you

Hugs, Liz

[Merlin]

I'll be back in a couple of days - off into the woods for a bit. I've copied and am taking the comments along, to give them due consideration.

Tweaking is in order, and there has been excellent direction. See you when I return. Thanks to all.

Merlin

[Cleo_Serapis]

Congrats Eric on your faery award winning tile (nominated by Psyche)!

Well done!

~Cleo

[AMETHYST]

Hi Eric,

First Congratulations on the award. Well deserving! Hope you have a good time in the woods (wish I were in the woods too) but unfortunately, I'm stuck in the humid summer sun of Florida! LOL

I haven't had the time to read through the other's full critiques, so please forgive any repeats...

Now on to a critique on your first Villanelle.

The story is strong. I imagined the dry, thirst-riddled sands to be life, perhaps without a sense of God or religion, or belief to whet his thirst, and the subject of the poem is slowly dying from the lack of something to feed his soul, spirit... Something to believe in. But then again, it might just well be the story of a man, making his way through the desert. Which IMO, works on all levels because the simple story of a man making his way through the desert, can stir the imaginings of the reader and bring many different interpretations and I think that adds to a poems value and worth. This does that for me.

Your end rhymes are applaudable. Fresh and unique. I especially admired the use of 'dray' 'alkali' and how smooth 'bray' came off. Which usually to use such a word, it would normally feeled forced, merely for rhyme sake. This is not the case here.

The meter stumbles in a few places, although not so noticable that it disturbed my read. However, what I know of Villanelles, I don't think it is a requirement for Iambic. I would guess to have a steady, smooth rhythm is the key here.

With some further minor thoughts and comments I will do in stanza.

I quite enjoyed this and the underlying levels of meaning I chose to see within the lines.

Hugs, Liz

Desert Crossing

He didn’t know if he could last another day
out struggling in blind searing sand and desert sky
while not a zephyr stirred, nor cloud sailed on its way.

L1, reads smooth. I like its simplicity. Sort of matter of fact.
L2, feels slightly choppy. Perhaps
'out suffering through blind, searing sand and desert sky
L3, The lines works smooth as is, but perhaps...
while not a zephyr stirred, nor cloud had sailed his way. (or even 'this way)
just for consideration...


His throat was parched, his tongue felt like a broken dray,
its useless axel bogged in torpid alkali.
He didn’t know if he could last another day.

LOVE THIS STANZA. Fresh. Smooth to hear and read. loved the images that it surged up... Not a nit here.

Above him circled three black dots in interplay,
their outstretched wings skimmed thermal freeways hidden high
while not a zephyr stirred, nor cloud sailed on its way.

Great use of the word 'interplay' The stanza's image is vividly crisp. Offering motion in the words for the reader to envision their playful interactions... Nicely done.
L2, the word skimmed causes a slight stumble for me. Not so much the word, but the jolt in meter...
I scan it as:

their OUTstretched wings SKIMMED THERmal FREEways HIDDen HIGH

Perhaps...
OUTstretched wings SKIM a THERMal FREEway, HIDDen HIGH.

Adding the double Iamb to the start of the line, while also allowing a beat between skim and thermal.


A time may come in life when man wished he could pray
and though he tried, he knew his words would be a lie.
He didn’t know if he could last another day.

This stanza, served as the arousal of thoughts that the poem is about someone's struggle through life, and having barren, desert sands, as they have nothing to nurish them with...without something to believe in. And then again, perhaps it meant that he was out in the desert and began thinking that he was going to die, and needed to pray for help, but couldn't find himself praying because he has nothing to believe in??? Hmmm, A few more reads and perhaps I will see it even clearer.

As for the line, Perhaps...

The time, in life, may come-he'd wish he could pray
though he might try; he'd know his words were just a lie.

Let me know if I am close to what you are reaching for...



What was that sound he heard – a doleful donkey bray
across the dunes? He listened for its welcome sigh
while not a zephyr stirred, nor cloud sailed on its way.

The word 'doleful' although fitting the sound of a donkey, seemed sort of driven for alliterative purposes. The sound of the donkey, in my minds ear/eye... I would perceive as hopeful to the man. To hear the sound and know he had been saved. Now, this brings us to the stanza prior. The praying, do you want to say that 'the time had come, in life, for him to kneel and pray,
he tried; but feared his words would be heard as a lie.



They found him still alive; he’d made their hideaway
and precious waterhole. As midnight cool drew nigh,
he didn’t know if he could last another day
while not a zephyr stirred, nor cloud sailed on its way.

This felt a bit weak. THe stanza prior to this, leaves me to believe that the man is laying, near death in the hot desert and he hears their sounds (the donkey) ... This stanza, and the first few words of L1, lead me to believe that the come along and find him, but the remaining meaning of the line makes me think that he followed the braying donkey and discovered them.

I am not sure which direction you mean this to be to clarify the meaning... So if he has discovered them, then perhaps...
Barely alive, he happens on their hideway

Best Wishes, Liz