Just A Little Girl, Africa IS hungry Options

[Peterpan]

Hello MM friends~

Sorry to leave you with such a sad poem as I go off to the Okavango Delta for 10 days - far into remote Africa. I was challenged to write a poem on Aids, recently. I wrote one but it was very personal (on one of our treasured employees) and I have not shared it. I was struggling to sleep the other night and composed this poem. Apologies for the abundant use of tissues. I will be back after the 21st June - hopefully/certainly with more cheerful content.

First Edit:

Just A Little Girl

Frightened, quivering.
Skin tight over bones;
pregnant with famine;
just a little girl.

Eyes fixed, wide holes,
heart calm, slow;
body cradled by dirt;
just a little girl.

Bones swaddled with dust.
Brown leaves gust, settle.
Nobody cares.
Just a little girl.




Just A Little Girl

Frightened, quivering scared.
Skin tight over bones;
pregnant from famine;
just a little girl.

Eyes fixed, staring,
heart fretful, slow;
body cradled by dirt;
just a little girl.

Bones coffined by dust.
Brown leaves gust, settle.
Nobody cares.
Just a little girl.


Copyright Beverleigh Gail Annegarn 2006




Sorry, once in a while we need to write these things on the state of our world.

PP

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Bev

As I said to Fran earlier today, never apologise for what you write about. Happy poetry is good but life isn't always happy. Poetry should reflect all aspects of our life and it should make the reader take notice and think. Writing is a way of expressing what we see and feel. If you've had a sleepless night thinking about the famine then of course you need to write it down.

A few thoughts:

Just A Little Girl

Frightened, quivering scared. ..frightened and scared are tautological. How about frightened, quivering, hungry
Skin tight over bones;
pregnant from famine; ..a very good description but how about saying "pregnant with famine" to contrast with the expression "pregnant with child"
just a little girl.

Eyes fixed, staring, ..again fixed and staring are tautological. How about "eyes dull, staring"
heart fretful, slow; ..I may be wrong but fretful and slow seem at odds with each other. I think when you are fretful you're heart beats faster.
body cradled by dirt; ...good imagery
just a little girl.

Bones coffined by dust. ...you could continue the baby metaphor by saying "bones swaddled by dust" or "dust swaddles bones"
Brown leaves gust, settle.
Nobody cares.
Just a little girl.

I think it is governments who don't care, who are more interested in their own power and selfish needs than the fact their country is starving to death.

Well done for raising this issue

Nina

[Peterpan]

Hello Nina~

Thank you for your comments and suggestions. This was difficult to put down after horrid thoughts during the early hours. (I am not fundamentally negative.) The funny thing is I was excited (about my son's homecoming) and seemed to write a complete 'opposite' theme! A bit strange, I agree but true. Perhaps I was thinking of how fortunate we are and how lucky he is?

Thank you for caring, too about the famines of the world.

Chat again soon.

PP

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Bev

(I am not fundamentally negative.) The funny thing is I was excited (about my son's homecoming) and seemed to write a complete 'opposite' theme!

It isn't really anything to do with being a positive or negative person, it is more to do with caring about others and being sensitive to suffering. It isn't really so surprising that while you are excited about your son coming home you'd write about an opposite theme. Actually it isn't that opposite. Your child is coming home, happy and healthy. This child is alone, dying, with no mother. Your motherly emotions, close to the surface want to hug this child.

Nina

[Peterpan]

Hello Nina~

Thanks for the vote of reassurance. I tend to agree with you wholeheartedly.

On a happy note. Cheers and good bye.

Chat soon!

PP

[Cybele]

Hi Bev,

I shall leave the nits to others. I want nothing to mar the impression your wonderful poem had on me. It is not ugly. It has a terrible beauty and truth.

Nobody cares.

Not true Bev. You care - enormously, and so will everyone who reads your very emotive words.

[JLY]

Bev,
I think you did us all a service by bringing us a reminder that no matter how caught up we may be with our own daily problems, many of them pale in comparison to what a large majority of the world has to face each and every day.

Your use of the words, sweating, quivering famine, skin over bones, etc really paint a horrid picture of what this girl has to deal with.

It is a good thing that you explored a topic that is not the standard one.

JLY

[galoutofdixie]

Hi Bev...very powerful piece you have written. As someone else stated above, I'd rather not critique, but instead let the impresssion the poem made remain.

No need to apologize for the subject matter. If we as writers cannot put these things into words, than really, what are we doing here?

[Guest_ferns_*]

This is so touching. I would not change a thing in it. I would leave it as is, your heart is telling us a story. A terrible, but true story.
Regards,
ferns

Hello MM friends~

Sorry to leave you with such a sad poem as I go off to the Okavango Delta for 10 days - far into remote Africa. I was challenged to write a poem on Aids, recently. I wrote one but it was very personal (on one of our treasured employees) and I have not shared it. I was struggling to sleep the other night and composed this poem. Apologies for the abundant use of tissues. I will be back after the 21st June - hopefully/certainly with more cheerful content.

First Edit:

Just A Little Girl

Frightened, quivering, sweating.
Skin tight over bones;
pregnant with famine;
just a little girl.

Eyes fixed, wide holes,
heart calm, slow;
body cradled by dirt;
just a little girl.

Bones swaddled with dust.
Brown leaves gust, settle.
Nobody cares.
Just a little girl.
Just A Little Girl

Frightened, quivering scared.
Skin tight over bones;
pregnant from famine;
just a little girl.

Eyes fixed, staring,
heart fretful, slow;
body cradled by dirt;
just a little girl.

Bones coffined by dust.
Brown leaves gust, settle.
Nobody cares.
Just a little girl.
Copyright Beverleigh Gail Annegarn 2006


Sorry, once in a while we need to write these things on the state of our world.

PP

[Peterpan]

Hello to all! - just a quick note to say -

Thank you for your positive feedback on a very sad poem! Glad you appreciated the reminder of what goes on in life...

I am back from an amazing bush trip for the past week with - I am sure - more cheerful poetry. I visited the Central Kalahari Game Park, Deception Valley in Botswana and went up to the incredible beautiful 'swamps' in the Okavango. Lots of driving and many animals and birds.

Many thanks once again.

PP

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Bev.

This certainly is a poignant piece. I could envision this child all alone, starving, filthy - by no fault of her own - save for the 'world' (environment/upbringing) she lives in. How sad.

As a suggestion, why not make the first line and the last line of this piece stand out - make them their own stanzas?

Here are a few alternatives to ponder.

Glad to read your work again Bev!
~Cleo

[+] {-}

Frightened, quivering, sweating.

Skin {tight} [taut] over bones;
pregnant with famine{;} [-]
just a little girl.

Eyes fixed, wide holes,
heart calm, [beats] slow;
body cradled by dirt{;} [-]
just a little girl.

Bones swaddled with dust.
Brown leaves gust, settle.
Nobody cares.

Just a little girl.

[AMETHYST]

Hi Bev,

A very powerful poem. Aggressively presented to bring the reader a full emotional understanding of the plight, using detailed descriptions and emotional realities that we are not privvy to in our daily lives.

I have some minor suggestions or thoughts to offer. I hope something I leave is helpful...

Hugs, Liz

Just A Little Girl

At first I wasn't too taken by the title, but after reading through the poem a few times, I cannot imagine it being anything else. It seems to provide that KICK/PUNCH to the reader that this heartaching imagery is just a little girl. I did feel that it would make a great difference if the title wasn't repeated thorugh out.

Frightened, quivering, sweating.
Skin tight over bones;
pregnant with famine;
just a little girl.

Suggest omitting sweating.
L2/L3... Absolutely excellent descriptive lines. "Pregnant with famine" strong, forceful image.


Eyes fixed, wide holes,
heart calm, slow;
body cradled by dirt;
just a little girl.

L1, 'wide holes' didn't do it for me...
I keep imagining a sunken, dark circles... I would also suggest
switching eyes fixed with wide holes. Perhaps ...

Wide and sunken; eyes fixed, ...


Bones swaddled with dust.
Brown leaves gust, settle.
Nobody cares.
Just a little girl.

Again, I would suggest omitting all the ending lines from each stanza, and this final stanza would be more powerful when connected with the title, and ending with 'Nobody Cares" ... Perhaps, even adding 'nobody notices' Which to my mind is much more profound than nobody cares, because I think if we all took the time to notice, others would care.... but the twist in using the word 'notices' is how can one NOT NOTICE a starving, neglected, discarded and abused, unhealthy child and not do something about it. ... That is just me... The word 'notices' would add so much more depth to the images that surround it.

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi Bev,

I didn't dare read this for a while; knew I'd be in tears

We take so much for granted. I think this should be on the sides of buses and advertising hoardings in London, Tokyo, New York ... well done.

Just A Little Girl

Frightened, quivering, sweating.
Skin tight over bones;
pregnant with famine; --- fabulous sumation of so much imagery
just a little girl.

Eyes fixed, wide holes,
heart calm, slow;
body cradled by dirt; --- horrendous
just a little girl.

Bones swaddled with dust.
Brown leaves gust, settle.
Nobody cares.
Just a little girl.

Fran

[Peterpan]

Hi Bev,

I didn't dare read this for a while; knew I'd be in tears

We take so much for granted. I think this should be on the sides of buses and advertising hoardings in London, Tokyo, New York ... well done.

Just A Little Girl

Frightened, quivering, sweating.
Skin tight over bones;
pregnant with famine; --- fabulous sumation of so much imagery
just a little girl.

Eyes fixed, wide holes,
heart calm, slow;
body cradled by dirt; --- horrendous
just a little girl.

Bones swaddled with dust.
Brown leaves gust, settle.
Nobody cares.
Just a little girl.

Fran

Sorry to upset you Fran, but, I had seen horrid photos of famine/Aids on the TV and as Nina suggested my son was on his way home after 5 months , healthy, and I think I was extremely happy at his return and sad for unhappy/helpless people. This unhappy poem is most unlike me. I like to write cheerful words. We do live in our cocoons and peep out if we have to and climb in again...

Thank you for reading and commenting!

PP