POSTCARD FROM SAMOS, DEPARTURE Options

[Cybele]

DEPARTURE


The mountain wears a rainbow gown
as cresting sunlight trickles down
to bathe the streets, dim alleyways
and houses in its gentle rays.

Anchor raised, the boat sets sail.
Despondently I grasp the rail,
discovering as we depart,
I've lost a fragment of my heart.

(All rights reserved by Grace Galton as an unpublished work.)

N.B This is very brief. I didn't want to leave!


THE ABOVE IS A COMPLETE REVISION WITH THE HELP OF MY FRIENDS

ORIGINAL

The mountain wears a rainbow gown
as cresting sunlight trickles down,
to bathe the streets and alleyways
and houses in its gentle rays.

Anchor raised, the boat sets sail.
Disconsolate, I hold the rail
realising as we depart,
I've lost a fragment of my heart.

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Grace,

You have quite a collection of 'postcards'! And all beautiful I might add! This one is no exception. I loved the vision created by your first verse.

The mountain wears a rainbow gown, Is the comma here really needed?
as cresting sunlight trickles down,
to bathe the streets and alleyways,
and houses in it’s gentle rays.

Anchor raised, the boat sets sail.
I lean, disconsolate on the rail,
realising as we depart…
I’ve lost a fragment of my heart. Such a sad ending!

I found the white on yellow a bit hard to read but otherwise the poem is lovely!

Cathy

[Cybele]

Hi Cathy,

You have quite a collection of 'postcards'! And all beautiful I might add! This one is no exception. I loved the vision created by your first verse.

Thank you Cathy. I was intrigued by the reflection of the sun on the mountain, the sun looks so white and the reflected colours to vivid!

The mountain wears a rainbow gown, Is the comma here really needed?
as cresting sunlight trickles down,
to bathe the streets and alleyways,
and houses in it’s gentle rays.

Nope, I just found it hanging around in the drawer and stuck it in there. Consider it gone.

Anchor raised, the boat sets sail.
I lean, disconsolate on the rail,
realising as we depart…
I’ve lost a fragment of my heart. Such a sad ending!

I have never felt so sad at leaving a place before Cathy. I found total peace and serenity on Samos and made some wonderful friends there.

I found the white on yellow a bit hard to read

I haven't got the hang of these new skins yet Cathy, but this one, Mosaic seems to be alright. Should make it easier to read. I just don't know how it appears on a different skin?

but otherwise the poem is lovely!

Glad you liked it Cathy. As I say, it is very brief, but I felt there was nothing more to say so it was complete.

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Grace

There's nothing wrong with brief. Nothing else needs to be said in this poem. The message is clear and to pad it out would spoil it.

It was a mixture of happy and sad. The first verse paints a lovely picture and gives the reader a warm feel and it also brings in neatly neatly the image of a rainbow which I know holds a special meaning for you.

In the second verse you show clearly the sadness of having to leave a place you grew very fond of in a short time.


Anchor raised, the boat sets sail.
I lean, disconsolate on the rail,
realising as we depart,
I've lost a fragment of my heart. Here you say "lost" I tentatively suggest "left" in that I get a sense that you left a part of yourself on the Island rather than lost it somewhere unknown on the way home.

thanks for the read.

Nina

[Cybele]

Hi Nina,

There's nothing wrong with brief. Nothing else needs to be said in this poem. The message is clear and to pad it out would spoil it.

Exactly

It was a mixture of happy and sad. The first verse paints a lovely picture and gives the reader a warm feel and it also brings in neatly neatly the image of a rainbow which I know holds a special meaning for you.

When I got home and uploaded the photo I could hardly believe it. I hadn't seen a cloud in 31 days and here was a rainbow for me!

In the second verse you show clearly the sadness of having to leave a place you grew very fond of in a short time.

It's hard to explain why I felt that way. I have been to many Greek Islands but this one felt like home.

Anchor raised, the boat sets sail.
I lean, disconsolate on the rail,
realising as we depart,
I've lost a fragment of my heart. Here you say "lost" I tentatively suggest "left" in that I get a sense that you left a part of yourself on the Island rather than lost it somewhere unknown on the way home.

My first thought was 'left' Nina, but the realization suddenly hit me, just as if I had lost something, not left it. 'Left' would seem to imply that I could return and retrieve it. But I know I probably won't return to this lovely island since there are so many more places I want to visit before I 'turn up my toes'

thanks for the read.

No, thank you for reading!

[JLY]

Grace,
This was a moving piece and the adjoing photo really gives this some emotional impact. Since it is meant to be such an emotional piece...I am pondering your choice of the word fragment...I am not sure if this is the best choice because it doesn't capture the essence of what you lost in your heart...it seems to be too staid. I have been going through the dictionary to try and find something with more feeling, but have not yet come up with anything.

Much admired your ability to set forth your ideas in such a compact format.

JLY

[Cybele]

Hello John,

This was a moving piece and the adjoing photo really gives this some emotional impact. Since it is meant to be such an emotional piece...I am pondering your choice of the word frament...I am not sure if this is the best choice because it doesn't capture the essence of what you lost in your heart...

Because this was always going to be a brief Postcard John, I thought long and hard about every word. As in my reply to Nina, I considered 'left' , but it just didn't express what I was trying to say. (Also, it seemed rather clichéd )

When I decided on 'lost' I chose fragment to emphasize the fact that I had not noticed until I was on the boat, the small part of myself that was missing, and the ache I felt was caused by the small void in my heart. Then I realized where I had lost it! If that makes sense.

it seems to be too staid. I have been going through the dictionary to try and find something with more feeling, but have not yet come up with anything.

Staid to me means imbued with dignity John. Do you think that is wrong? Maybe, but I can't find a better word either.

If you can find one, please let me know.

Much admired your ability to set forth your ideas in such a compact format.

Thank you John, and thank you for your input.

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Grace.

Another lovely image/postcard combination here! I couldsense the sadness/anxiety in each word as you left the island.

I'm here to offer a few words for rhythm purposes that you may take or toss as you wish. I like the word fragment myself and feel it fits perfectly.

Cheers!
~Cleo

[+] {-}

The mountain wears a rainbow gown
as cresting sunlight trickles down, <---LOVELY!
to bathe the streets and alleyways,
and houses in {it’s} [its] gentle rays.

Anchor raised, the boat sets sail.
I lean, {disconsolate} [disheartened] on the rail,
realising as we [soon] depart,
I'd lost a fragment of my heart.

[Cybele]

Hi Lori,

Another lovely image/postcard combination here! I could sense the sadness/anxiety in each word as you left the island.

I'm very pleased that came across. I suppose what I am trying to convey here Lori, is that I have been travelling for the past fifty years and have had many sad farewells to places I had grown attached to, but this feeling suddenly hit me like a very sharp pain as I watched the Island retreating into the distance.

I'm here to offer a few words for rhythm purposes that you may take or toss as you wish.

Fire away!

I like the word fragment myself and feel it fits perfectly.

Thank s Lori. That's reassuring.

Cheers!
~Cleo

[+] {-}

The mountain wears a rainbow gown
as cresting sunlight trickles down, <---LOVELY!
to bathe the streets and alleyways,
and houses in {it’s} [its] gentle rays.

OOPS!! Silly me

Anchor raised, the boat sets sail.
I lean, {disconsolate} [disheartened] on the rail,
realising as we [soon] depart,
I'd lost a fragment of my heart.

'Disheartened' to me Lori, indicates demoralized or discouraged, not quite what I had in mind. Disconsolate means in one of its senses inconsolable, which is what I was feeling.

Re-a-li-sing has four syllables over this side of the duck-pond, so if fits the rhythm.

If I add the word 'soon' it will indicate that we haven't yet left, when line 1 says the boat has sailed.

Thank you so much for your input Lori. You make a very good punctuation policewoman!

[Cleo_Serapis]

'Disheartened' to me Lori, indicates demoralized or discouraged, not quite what I had in mind. Disconsolate means in one of its senses inconsolable, which is what I was feeling.

Hi Grace.

Ah - yes, I see what you mean there, and I also wasn't sure on the substitution word. I guess it's how the syllables are set up within the line?

I lean, disconsolate, on the rail

For rhythm (and maintaining 8 beats), how about:

disconsolate, I lean on rail ?

Re-a-li-sing has four syllables over this side of the duck-pond, so if fits the rhythm. If I add the word 'soon' it will indicate that we haven't yet left, when line 1 says the boat has sailed.

Ah yes - I sometimes count it as 3 beats here.

HUGS
Lori

[Eisa]

Hi Grace

This is a stunning picture and your poem is just as stunning too. I love short poems ~ and yours is packed with beautiful images and sadness.

Here are a few thoughts ~

The mountain wears a rainbow gown
as cresting sunlight trickles down,
to bathe the streets and alleyways,
and houses in its gentle rays.

The first line conjures up such a gorgeous image and fits the picture well ~ in fact the whole of this stanza creates a beautiful scene. I cannot think of anything I would want to change.

Anchor raised, the boat sets sail.
I lean, disconsolate on the rail,
realising as we depart,
I'd lost a fragment of my heart.

The final stanza is a complete change ~ full of emotions.

L2 ~ the rhythm could be made smoother

disconsolate I hold the rail,

although 'hold' does change the meaning slightly.

L3 ~ 'realising' has the right amount of syllables, but the strong beats are in the wrong place. I can suggest replacing it with 'discovering' which is quite near in meaning.

discovering as we depart,

The last line is perfect ~ and who can wonder why you lost a piece of your heart after seeing the picture. Very poignant ending.


I hope my suggestions may help, if they are not what you are looking for then just ignore.
I thoroughly enjoyed the read.

Snow

[Cybele]

Good morning Eisa

How lovely to see you here!

This is a stunning picture and your poem is just as stunning too. I love short poems ~ and yours is packed with beautiful images and sadness.

Thank you.

Here are a few thoughts ~

The mountain wears a rainbow gown
as cresting sunlight trickles down,
to bathe the streets and alleyways,
and houses in its gentle rays.

The first line conjures up such a gorgeous image and fits the picture well ~ in fact the whole of this stanza creates a beautiful scene. I cannot think of anything I would want to change.

Thank you Eisa. I was in two minds about the two 'ands', but they seemed to describe the way the sun gradually crept little by little into the town!

Anchor raised, the boat sets sail.
I lean, disconsolate on the rail,
realising as we depart,
I'd lost a fragment of my heart.

The final stanza is a complete change ~ full of emotions.

L2 ~ the rhythm could be made smoother

disconsolate I hold the rail,

although 'hold' does change the meaning slightly.

Yes, I think there is definitely room for improvement here Eisa, disconsolate is not quite the right feeling but the nearest I could get at the time of writing this.

On reflection I think this describes the emotion better.

despondently I hold the rail

What do you think?

L3 ~ 'realising' has the right amount of syllables, but the strong beats are in the wrong place. I can suggest replacing it with 'discovering' which is quite near in meaning.

discovering as we depart,

Exactly the word I need Eisa, thank you.

The last line is perfect ~ and who can wonder why you lost a piece of your heart after seeing the picture. Very poignant ending.


I hope my suggestions may help, if they are not what you are looking for then just ignore.
I thoroughly enjoyed the read.

You have been a great help, as have others who have kindly made suggestions for this piece. I am happy to accept all the advice so kindly offered. It is so easy to be so close to something that you cannot see the flaws!

[Eisa]

Hello Grace

despondently I hold the rail

What do you think?

I think you've found the perfect word here Grace, it even flows better than disconsolately. Your changes have made this shine even more. I'm glad I was able to help.

Love Snow

ps ~ you mention the use of 2 'ands' in the 1st stanza ... I suppose strictly speaking it's not a good idea. If you want to consider a change I could offer

to bathe the streets, dim alleyways
and houses in its gentle rays.

[Cybele]

Hi Eisa,

to bathe the streets, dim alleyways
and houses in its gentle rays.

Who's a clever girl then? Bless you! Galloping off to finalize revision with a little help of my friends!

[Cleo_Serapis]

Grace!

Can you comment though so we know this piece has been revised please? I just happened to spot it re-reading this lovely one.

Cheers!
~Cleo

[Cybele]

Hi Lori,

Grace!

Can you comment though so we know this piece has been revised please? I just happened to spot it re-reading this lovely one.

Sorry, of course. I have posted the original under the copy. Thanks for reminding me!

[Cleo_Serapis]

Grace!

[Cleo_Serapis]

Grace.

I really feel the sadness in your last line.

Well done!

~Cleo

[Cybele]

Thanks Lori,

And thanks also to Cathy and Nina and Eisa for helping me find exactly the right words to describe these emotions.

Whether or not I used the actual words you suggested, you all encouraged me to search around for just the right word to make this piece reflect that dawn departure so clearly.

It is wonderful to have such friends.