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> Reflected Worlds ~ Revised 19 July, title change from Sweetest Night
Cleo_Serapis
post Jun 8 06, 19:49
Post #1


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Revision #2: 19 July 2006 ~ Thanks Cathy & Nina! thumbsup.gif

Reflected Worlds

Twelve tolls...
instinct takes hold.

Is it noon or midnight?

She throws open velvet shades
embracing blood-red shadows
with ravenous thirst.

Ah, it IS sweet night!

Forsaking her façade,
she steps through reflected
worlds and thrice touches
a desiccated soul…

A merging transcends
his light with her darkness.

Damnation will be theirs
to harvest.


Twelve tolls:
instinct takes hold.
The enlightened rejoice...

in sweetest night.

Copyright © 2006 Lorraine M Kanter



Revision #1 - 10 June 2006:

Twelve tolls...
instinct takes hold.

Is it noon or midnight?

She opens velvet shades
embracing blood-red shadows
with ravenous thirst.

Ah, so it IS sweet night!

Forsaking her façade,
she steps through reflected
worlds and thrice touches
a desiccated soul…

A merging transcends
his light with her darkness.

Damnation will be theirs
to harvest.


Twelve tolls:
instinct takes hold.
The enlightened rejoice...

Sweetest night.


Copyright © Lorraine M Kanter 10 June 2006

Original:
Twelve tolls...
Instinct takes hold.

Is it noon or midnight?

She draws velvet shades
embracing blood-red shadows
with ravenous thirst.

Ah, so it IS sweet night!

Leaving her façade behind,
she steps through reflected
worlds and thrice touches
a dessicated soul…

Transcendence merges
his light to her darkness.

Damnation will be theirs
to harvest.


Twelve tolls:
Instinct takes hold.
The enlightened rejoice...

Sweetest night.

Copyright © Lorraine M Kanter 08 June 2006

This post has been edited by Cleo_Serapis: Nov 26 07, 18:48


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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind.

"I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

"Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.

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Guest_Nina_*
post Jun 8 06, 23:42
Post #2





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Hi Lori

I'm glad to see you've reworked this into a poem. It is quite an interesting exercise to do and works really well. It is also good to see you posting in Serens. An interesting vampire style tale.

Twelve tolls...
{I}[i]nstinct takes hold.

Is it noon or midnight?

She {draws}[opens] velvet shades
embracing blood-red shadows
with ravenous thirst. ...wonderful imagery

Ah, so it IS sweet night!

Leaving her façade behind, ...can you leave a facade behind as it isn't a physical thing? Perhaps "discarding her facade"
she steps through reflected
worlds and thrice touches
a dessicated soul… ...ooh he sounds all shrivelled/dried up and dead

Transcendence merges
his light {to}[with] her darkness. ...why not simply "His light merges with her darkness"

Damnation will be theirs
to harvest.

Twelve tolls:
{I}[i]nstinct takes hold.
The enlightened rejoice...

Sweetest night.


Thanks for the read

Nina
 
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Cleo_Serapis
post Jun 10 06, 09:53
Post #3


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Real Name: Lori Kanter
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Referred By:Imhotep



QUOTE(Nina @ Jun 9 06, 00:42 ) [snapback]76720[/snapback]
Hi Lori
I'm glad to see you've reworked this into a poem. It is quite an interesting exercise to do and works really well. It is also good to see you posting in Serens. An interesting vampire style tale.

Hi Nina.

Thanks - you inspired me to try it! note.gif It seemed the best type of conversion - free verse and I DO need to write more of it. For some reason, the drabble tickled my vamp muse. LOL!


QUOTE
Twelve tolls...
{I}[i]nstinct takes hold.
I had a feeling I needed to change that! upside.gif

She {draws}[opens] velvet shades
embracing blood-red shadows
with ravenous thirst. ...wonderful imagery.
Thanks Nina. I will revise that line.


Leaving her façade behind, ...can you leave a facade behind as it isn't a physical thing? Perhaps "discarding her facade"
I'll revise that one too - not sure on discarding but I'll see what the muse thinks. snail.gif


she steps through reflected
worlds and thrice touches
a dessicated soul… ...ooh he sounds all shrivelled/dried up and dead.
Glad you caught that one. I recall something about needing to get bitten three times and each time he is that much more 'drained' - I thought dessicated might work there.


Transcendence merges
his light {to}[with] her darkness. ...why not simply "His light merges with her darkness"
Here, I had wanted to incorporate the word 'transcendence' so I need to think on that one a bit more.


Thanks for the read
Nina


Thanks for stopping by Nina.. I will revise this one in a few with some of your suggestions and perhaps a few new ones.

Cheers!
~Cleo sauron.gif


·······IPB·······

"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind.

"I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

"Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.

MM Award Winner
 
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Cleo_Serapis
post Jun 27 06, 19:33
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Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep



Hi all.

I've decided to change to the title of this one from "Sweetest Night" to "Reflected Worlds".

This is a different genre for me so I am interested in your feedback - good, bad, indifferent please.

Thank you Nina for your comments. thumbsup.gif

Regards
Cleo sauron.gif


·······IPB·······

"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind.

"I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

"Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.

MM Award Winner
 
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Guest_Nina_*
post Jun 28 06, 00:04
Post #5





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It's looking good Lori, well done with your revision.

Nina
 
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Cleo_Serapis
post Jun 28 06, 05:42
Post #6


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Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep



QUOTE(Nina @ Jun 28 06, 01:04 ) [snapback]77617[/snapback]
It's looking good Lori, well done with your revision.

Nina


Thanks very much Nina - do you think this new title is more appealing?

~Cleo hersheyskiss.gif mm.gif hersheyskiss.gif


·······IPB·······

"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind.

"I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

"Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.

MM Award Winner
 
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Guest_Cathy_*
post Jul 17 06, 13:04
Post #7





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Hi Lori!

This came from a drabble challenge?? I should check them out more often. Whatever inspired this must have been good.

Twelve tolls...
instinct takes hold.

Is it noon or midnight?

She opens velvet shades Would adding 'throws' in front of 'opens' enhance a feeling of eagerness?
embracing blood-red shadows
with ravenous thirst.

Ah, so it IS sweet night! Is 'so' necessary here?

Forsaking her façade, I like the change to 'forsaking' ... it works very well!
she steps through reflected
worlds and thrice touches
a desiccated soul… Oh my! lol

A merging transcends
his light with her darkness.

Damnation will be theirs
to harvest.

Twelve tolls:
instinct takes hold.
The enlightened rejoice...

Sweetest night. 'in' sweetest night... maybe?

A question about the title ... what 'worlds' are you referring to? (Since it's plural). In my mind, it's the world of the vampire, how it keeps evolving as he/she continues to feed off other humans, making them 'one of them'. Would 'World Reflected' work? Maybe I'm missing something that you would be kind enough to explain so that I may see the light? lol Or does any of this make any sense?

Cathy
 
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Cleo_Serapis
post Jul 19 06, 20:04
Post #8


Mosaic Master
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Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep



Hi Cathy. arwen.gif

QUOTE(Cathy @ Jul 17 06, 14:04 ) [snapback]78971[/snapback]
Hi Lori!

This came from a drabble challenge?? I should check them out more often. Whatever inspired this must have been good.


Yeppers, it surely did! comedy.gif

QUOTE
She opens velvet shades Would adding 'throws' in front of 'opens' enhance a feeling of eagerness?
embracing blood-red shadows
with ravenous thirst.

Ah, so it IS sweet night! Is 'so' necessary here?

Yes - I think I had throws in there originally (if not here, in the drabble) - will put that back in to add a bit of drama and eagerness. TY! hsdance.gif

QUOTE
Forsaking her façade, I like the change to 'forsaking' ... it works very well!
she steps through reflected
worlds and thrice touches
a desiccated soul… Oh my! lol

Thanks Cathy - that was a great suggestion from Nina. champagne.gif

QUOTE
Sweetest night. 'in' sweetest night... maybe?

A question about the title ... what 'worlds' are you referring to? (Since it's plural). In my mind, it's the world of the vampire, how it keeps evolving as he/she continues to feed off other humans, making them 'one of them'. Would 'World Reflected' work? Maybe I'm missing something that you would be kind enough to explain so that I may see the light? lol Or does any of this make any sense?

Cathy

Yes, that would work for the closing! Cool! rose.gif Well, it's his world manipulated by hers, and how they both end up mirroring each (reflected). Does this make more sense to you?

Thanks for your ideas - will post the revision now.
~Cleo mm.gif mm.gif


·······IPB·······

"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind.

"I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

"Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.

MM Award Winner
 
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Guest_Cathy_*
post Jul 19 06, 23:15
Post #9





Guest






Hi Lori,

QUOTE
Yes, that would work for the closing! Cool! Well, it's his world manipulated by hers, and how they both end up mirroring each (reflected). Does this make more sense to you?

Yep, makes sense to me!

QUOTE
Yes - I think I had throws in there originally (if not here, in the drabble) - will put that back in to add a bit of drama and eagerness. TY!

Your welcome! Something about that word in that sentence just seems to add an eagerness to the whole thing. Can't explain why! lol


QUOTE
Thanks for your ideas - will post the revision now.

No problem ... glad I had something you could use! *smiles*

Cathy cheer.gif
 
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Cleo_Serapis
post Aug 21 06, 17:53
Post #10


Mosaic Master
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Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep



Hi Cathy. arwen.gif

QUOTE(Cathy @ Jul 20 06, 00:15 ) [snapback]79129[/snapback]
Hi Lori,

QUOTE
Yes, that would work for the closing! Cool! Well, it's his world manipulated by hers, and how they both end up mirroring each (reflected). Does this make more sense to you?

Yep, makes sense to me!

QUOTE
Yes - I think I had throws in there originally (if not here, in the drabble) - will put that back in to add a bit of drama and eagerness. TY!

Your welcome! Something about that word in that sentence just seems to add an eagerness to the whole thing. Can't explain why! lol

QUOTE
Thanks for your ideas - will post the revision now.

No problem ... glad I had something you could use! *smiles*

Cathy cheer.gif

Thanks for checking back in and agreeing with the changes. aragorn.gif You always offer excellent food for thought!

HUGS
~Cleo galadriel.gif


·······IPB·······

"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind.

"I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

"Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.

MM Award Winner
 
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Guest_ohsteve_*
post Sep 2 06, 13:02
Post #11





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An interesting twist on a variation of vampires and thier souls. Good read.
Steve
 
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Cleo_Serapis
post Sep 3 06, 08:42
Post #12


Mosaic Master
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Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep



QUOTE(ohsteve @ Sep 2 06, 14:02 ) [snapback]82383[/snapback]
An interesting twist on a variation of vampires and their souls. Good read.
Steve

Hi Steve.

Thanks for intepreting this one the way I'd hoped it would be. cheer.gif

May I ask for your feedback in the form of a critique as well? Does the title work for you? Are there any words/lines/phrases/stanzas that don't seem to flow correctly in your mind?

Looking forward to your further feedback.
Cheers
~Cleo mm.gif mm.gif


·······IPB·······

"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind.

"I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

"Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.

MM Award Winner
 
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