Night Terrors, Wizard and Faery Award Winner Options

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Faery Award Winner

Celtic Castle Designs


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Celtic Castle Designs

Night Terrors

Revision - thanks everyone

Sweet dreams ....
Perfect tiny arms cling;
demand last kisses:
Eskimo; butterfly; soft cheeks.
Embrace transferred to teddy
relaxes: sleep overtakes ….

Mummy! Mummy!
Screams to rouse the dead;
ghosts of dreams run,
tripping stumbling feet;
wide eyes see demons;
fingers frantically scrabble
fighting horrors
in another world.

Hush, baby, hush.
Monsters don’t exist.
Lie down, lie with me.
Lie ... lie ...

Dawn raids
wake sleeping innocents.
Screams unheard;
only imagined
nightmares.

Sleep escaped;
I wait.
Sweet dreams.


original

Night Terrors


Good night; sweet dreams.
Perfect tiny arms cling;
demand last kisses:
Eskimo; Spanish; Butterfly.
Embrace transferred to teddy
relaxes: sleep overtakes ….

Mummy! Mummy!
Screams to wake the dead;
ghosts of dreams run
tripping, stumbling feet;
wide eyes see monsters;
fingers frantically scrabble
fighting horror
in another world

Hush, baby, hush.
Monsters don’t exist.
Lie down, lie with me.
Lies never win?
Swastikas, jackboots,
cleanse cities
wake other sleeping innocents:
perceived demons.
Their screams go unheard;
only imagined … nightmares.

Sleep escaped …
awake, I wait:
whispers of sweet dreams.


© Toumai, 2005



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[Guest__*]

Dear Fran,

Terrifying. And very real, what you say.

I have some odd thoughts, but I'm not sure if anything added will improve this !

Good night; sweet dreams.
Perfect tiny arms cling;
demand last kisses:
Eskimo; Spanish; Butterfly. -- spanish is what ?
Embrace transferred to teddy
relaxes: sleep overtakes …. -- sleep takes over ?

Mummy! Mummy!
Screams to wake the dead;
ghosts of dreams run
tripping, stumbling feet;
wide eyes see monsters;
fingers frantically scrabble
fighting horror  -- horrorS ?
in another world

Hush, baby, hush.
Demons don’t exist.
Lie down, lie with me.
Lies never win?
Swastikas, jackboots, -- no end comma
cleanse cities -- add comma !
wake other sleeping innocents:
perceived demons.
Their screams go unheard;
only imagined … nightmares.

Sleep escaped …
awake, I wait:
whispers of sweet dreams.

Fran, all is well until these last 3 lines, where the construction seems awkward, and I lost the builkding dread while trying to think my way thru them. Recast ?

Also I'm not sure that all your tenses are right, but damned if I know where ....

Love
Alan

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Fran

It's awful when children wake up frightened after a nightmare, crying and needing a hug.

Good night; sweet dreams.
Perfect tiny arms cling;
demand last kisses:
Eskimo; Spanish; Butterfly.
Embrace transferred to teddy
relaxes: sleep overtakes ….
I like the sense of bedtime routine and the instilling of security and tranquility for the child to go to sleep, especially "embrace transferred to teddy"
the slow pace of the words.


Mummy! Mummy!
Screams to wake the dead;
ghosts of dreams run
tripping, stumbling feet;
wide eyes see monsters;
fingers frantically scrabble
fighting horror
in another world
you have built up the sense of drama and terror very well in this verse and I get a real feeling of a terrified child.

Hush, baby, hush.
Demons don’t exist.
Lie down, lie with me.
Lies never win?
Swastikas, jackboots,
cleanse cities
wake other sleeping innocents:
perceived demons.
Their screams go unheard;
only imagined … nightmares.
A very clever idea in this verse - how we reassure our children that demons aren't real but of course there are many evil people in the world. My only problem with this verse is that the switch from demons don't exist to talking about the Nazis didn't quite work for me.  I'm not quite sure yet why, perhaps it is the line "Lies never win".  I'm not sure if I agree especially with all the lies going on at the moment with the election.  I will think more on it.

Sleep escaped …
awake, I wait:
whispers of sweet dreams. should it be escapes? to reflect overtakes in the first verse.

Got to do some work now

Nina

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Dear Alan,

Thanks for casting your expert eagle eye over this.

Terrifying. And very real, what you say.

Thank you. I'm glad it worked for you.

I have some odd thoughts, but I'm not sure if anything added will improve this !

I think it does need some rebuilding - but I was stuck, so thought comments from friends might help focus my thoughts (which are usually odd, btw, Alan).

Good night; sweet dreams.
Perfect tiny arms cling;
demand last kisses:
Eskimo; Spanish; Butterfly. -- spanish is what ?

Ah, purely our own repotoire (also 'lots', 'silly' ... the list grows as my daughter invents them). However, I needed a third 'type' of kiss and it sounded fitting. It's a kiss to each cheek (we visited a Spanish friend a couple of years ago and Ellie loved it; we all dressed up for a Flamenco evening, and Paqui managed to find a tiny Flameno dress for her).

Embrace transferred to teddy
relaxes: sleep overtakes …. -- sleep takes over ?

I rather like the idea that the child is slowing down and sleep catches up with her.

fingers frantically scrabble
fighting horror  -- horrorS ?

Yes, I think you're right, thanks

Swastikas, jackboots,-- no end comma
cleanse cities -- add comma !

Punctuation! (Talking of nightmares ... )

Sleep escaped …
awake, I wait:
whispers of sweet dreams.

Fran, all is well until these last 3 lines, where the construction seems awkward, and I lost the builkding dread while trying to think my way thru them. Recast ?

Yes ... I wanted to keep the dread hanging, but it isn't quite working yet - glad to have that confirmed.

Also I'm not sure that all your tenses are right, but damned if I know where ....

Well, if you don't know ... LOL.  I shall have a careful read and think.

Many thanks, Alan

Fran

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi Nina,

Thanks for your help on this one

It's awful when children wake up frightened after a nightmare, crying and needing a hug.

Yes, and my daughter (6) does the full night terror business: sleep walking, eyes wide open, but in another world.

Good night; sweet dreams.
Perfect tiny arms cling;
demand last kisses:
Eskimo; Spanish; Butterfly.
Embrace transferred to teddy
relaxes: sleep overtakes ….

I like the sense of bedtime routine and the instilling of security and tranquility for the child to go to sleep, especially "embrace transferred to teddy"
the slow pace of the words.

Thanks. That was the atmosphere I wanted to create: normal and loving.

Mummy! Mummy!
Screams to wake the dead;
ghosts of dreams run
tripping, stumbling feet;
wide eyes see monsters;
fingers frantically scrabble
fighting horror
in another world

you have built up the sense of drama and terror very well in this verse and I get a real feeling of a terrified child.

So far so good.

Hush, baby, hush.
Demons don’t exist.
Lie down, lie with me.
Lies never win?
Swastikas, jackboots,
cleanse cities
wake other sleeping innocents:
perceived demons.
Their screams go unheard;
only imagined … nightmares.

A very clever idea in this verse - how we reassure our children that demons aren't real but of course there are many evil people in the world. My only problem with this verse is that the switch from demons don't exist to talking about the Nazis didn't quite work for me.  I'm not quite sure yet why, perhaps it is the line "Lies never win".  I'm not sure if I agree especially with all the lies going on at the moment with the election.  I will think more on it.

This is where I think the poem is weaker, so your comments help to clarify that to me.

"Lies never win" is supposed to be ironic (has a question mark) but maybe that needs strangthening. I built up the "lies" by the previous line having 2 repetitions; we are moving from lying down to telling lies. I was hoping that would extrapolate from telling lies to the child to the bigger lies told in the world ...

I also don't jsut want to think of the Nazi's; "dawn raids" and attacks have occured - do occur - in so many places. So I need to extrapolate that section, too.

Sleep escaped …
awake, I wait:
whispers of sweet dreams.

should it be escapes? to reflect overtakes in the first verse.

The narator has escaped sleep - and her own nightmares -  as well as sleep having escaped her ...

Got to do some work now

Hope it is pleasant this morning, and thanks for taking the time to help so much, Nina.

Thanks,

Fran

[Guest__*]

Dear Fran,

Thanks for your explans.

I know it is your family thing, but "Spanish" means nowt out. How about going to "two-cheeked continental" or similar ?

And re Nina's point, jackboots and swastikas LIMIT your message, cuz you really mean all state-terror (perhaps even oh so British traffic wardens ? )

Perhaps you could widen with "Heavy boots, the thunderous dawn knock" or similar, which covers all the angles.

"my thoughts (which are usually odd, btw, Alan)." which is exactly why I like you so much - mirror ....

I'm sure there is more, tenses and puncts, but ... later !

Love
Alan

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Fran

Just a couple of thoughts on the third verse for you to take or dismiss.

Hush, baby, hush.
Demons don’t exist.
Lie down, lie with me.
Lies never win?
Swastikas, jackboots,
cleanse cities -- add comma !
wake other sleeping innocents:
perceived demons.
Their screams go unheard;
only imagined … nightmares.

my ideas for the verse which you can build on

Hush, baby, hush.
Demons don’t exist.
Lie down, lie with me.
Lie.... Lie...  
Despots, guns,......or possibly tyrants, dictators etc
cleanse cities,
wake sleeping innocents:
Their screams go unheard.

Sleep escaped …
awake, I wait:
whispers of sweet dreams.

>>should it be escapes? to reflect overtakes in the first verse.

The narator has escaped sleep - and her own nightmares -  as well as sleep having escaped her ...
but surely she is still awake, hence present tense.

Hope this may give you a few ideas to work with

Nina

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Dear Alan,

Thanks for returning

I know it is your family thing, but "Spanish" means nowt out. How about going to "two-cheeked continental" or similar ?

Alan, I daren't post what sprang to my mind when I read "two-cheeked continental"  Shock
But thanks, that has given me an idea to use. I will revise soon.

And re Nina's point, jackboots and swastikas LIMIT your message, cuz you really mean all state-terror (perhaps even oh so British traffic wardens ? )

Perhaps you could widen with "Heavy boots, the thunderous dawn knock" or similar, which covers all the angles.

Yes, I have limitted the scope by specifying Nazis. Thanks for the help.

"my thoughts (which are usually odd, btw, Alan)." which is exactly why I like you so much - mirror ....

Well, at least it's just the thoughts and not the appearance ...  
Ohmigod! I think like Alan?

I'm sure there is more, tenses and puncts, but ... later !

You have already been a great help. I'll revise shortly and then I'd welcome comments on any more nits that you notice.

Love

Fran

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi Nina,

Thanks for coming back again. Based on your suggestions and Alan's I've made a first revision. I think it needs some more work (too many elipses ... ? lol), but it feels much better already - thanks.

my ideas for the verse which you can build on

Hush, baby, hush.
Demons don’t exist.
Lie down, lie with me.
Lie.... Lie...  
Despots, guns,......or possibly tyrants, dictators etc
cleanse cities,
wake sleeping innocents:
Their screams go unheard.

Sleep escaped …
awake, I wait:
whispers of sweet dreams.

>>should it be escapes? to reflect overtakes in the first verse.

>>The narator has escaped sleep - and her own nightmares -  as well as sleep having escaped her ...

but surely she is still awake, hence present tense.

Yes, it does confuse the tenses ... darn!

Thanks for really getting into this so thoroughly, Nina.

Fran

[Ephiny]

Hello Fran,

This is a marvellous poem..I have read both the original and your revised version and I think the revisions work really well..the revised poem "hits" me a bit more, the images are sharper and the picture of the scene is so much clearer..you've done a great job with it.

I could picture the child trapped in her nightmare so clearly, awake yet asleep and terrified

fingers frantically scrabble
fighting horror
in another world

The scene begins so peacefully, then the terror and sense of fear and dread build up and finally return but quite to the peace of the beginning.  The atmosphere from the nightmare lingers and affects the narrator, giving us a glimpse of her own private fears and dreads, some of which of course, will involve her child and the need to protect her from both nightmares and reality.  Your revisions here were perfect because instead of learning exactly about the fears of the narrator, we get only a hint and that is enough to then think about and identify with

I love

Eskimo; butterfly; soft cheeks.
Embrace transferred to teddy
relaxes: sleep overtakes ….

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi Lucie

Thanks so much for your comments. I am particularly pleased that you find the revisions have brought out the ideas more strongly.

My daughter does have night terrors and I was calming her, soothing her back to sleep; telling her that there aren't monsters, except in stories and then I went back upstairs to finish watching something on Hitler ...

Fran

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Fran,

This is an excellent evocation of a child’s dream-world from a mother’s point-of-view. Sadly, I think monsters do exist but in reality, not dream-world.

I have suggested some tweaks to your revision. I’ll now take a look at the original and your previous crits.

Well done. J.

-------------------------

(Reminds me of Genesis’ song - “Little Nemo“ - from the album “And Then There Were Three“)

Night Terrors

Revision - thanks Alan, Nina

Sweet dreams ....
Perfect tiny arms cling;
demand last kisses:
Eskimo; butterfly; soft cheeks.
Embrace transferred to teddy[ -]
relaxes: sleep overtakes ….

(Sorry, didn’t understand Eskimo and butterfly)
(Also, “Eskimo” not used any more (Inuit) - don’t know if that matters)

Mummy! Mummy!
Screams to wake the dead; (bad cliche)
ghosts of dreams run, (Now, that is excellent writing)
tripping stumbling feet;
wide eyes see demons;
fingers frantically scrabble[;]
fighting horrors[;]
in another world.

(You needed more punctuation, above, because each line is a new

Hush, baby, hush.[..]
Monsters don’t exist.
Lie down{,}[;] lie with me.
Lie ... lie ... (suggest line-split)
Dawn raids[,]
wake sleeping innocents.
Their screams go unheard;
only imagined …
nightmares.

Sleep escapes{;}[:]
I wait ...
sweet dreams.

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi James,

Delighted to see you back after your computer problems. Thanks for the comments.

This is an excellent evocation of a child’s dream-world from a mother’s point-of-view. Sadly, I think monsters do exist but in reality, not dream-world.

That is the point the last lines make ...

(Reminds me of Genesis’ song - “Little Nemo“ - from the album “And Then There Were Three“)

Yes, I can see what you mean, though I haven't listened to that album for ages.

Sweet dreams ....
Perfect tiny arms cling;
demand last kisses:
Eskimo; butterfly; soft cheeks.
Embrace transferred to teddy[ -]
relaxes: sleep overtakes ….

Not sure why I need a dash; it's the embrace that relaxes (after transfer to teddy).

(Sorry, didn’t understand Eskimo and butterfly)
(Also, “Eskimo” not used any more (Inuit) - don’t know if that matters)

LOL, types of kiss (as designated by small offspring). 'Eskimo' kiss is rubbing noses and 'butterfly' kiss is letting eyelashes flutter against a cheek. You are correct that 'Eskimo' is not used any more, I think ... does that mean my line is potentially offensive? Or would that traditional naming of a kiss-type be permissable? That hadn't crossed my mind as I wrote - which is no defense if it is wrong, I hasten to add.

Mummy! Mummy!
Screams to wake the dead; (bad cliche)
ghosts of dreams run, (Now, that is excellent writing)
tripping stumbling feet;
wide eyes see demons;
fingers frantically scrabble[;]
fighting horrors[;]
in another world.

I really want my cliche: 1) it grabs attention cos it's so obvious, 2) it sets up the next line (glad you like that) 3) it mentions dead - and I was thinking that when the missing go missing in the night they are as good as dead when their captors take them. So, if you can think of something better that is not cliched and says the same, please do suggest it

(You needed more punctuation, above, because each line is a new

You've been chopped off in your prime again somehow, lol. I presume that was sentance? or clause? Anyway, I'll go with that punctuation - thanks.

Hush, baby, hush.[..]
Monsters don’t exist.
Lie down{,}[;] lie with me.
Lie ... lie ... (suggest line-split)
Dawn raids[,]
wake sleeping innocents.
Their screams go unheard;
only imagined …
nightmares.

Thanks, I'll do that

Sleep escapes{;}[:]
I wait ...
sweet dreams.

James, thanks so much for the help.

Fran

[Siren]

Fran,

This is exceptional... I love the style in which it was written. U took us right into the room into the mother's hushing and cooing. Ur revision has tightened it up nicely and this was a joy to read.

I have dealt with nightmares with my cousin when I used to babysit as a child and my youngest son.

This is on the mark and done with your special flare.

Hugs
Dani

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Fran,

Thanks. Computer work still 90% to be done but, at least, up and truckin.'

I have to admit I hadn't twigged on that last line. thanks.

Embrace transferred to teddy[ -]
relaxes: sleep overtakes …

I think you need a dash because, else that reads (to me)...

"teddy relaxes"

Given, waht you say about the meaning, I think my new recommendation would be:

Embrace - transferred to teddy -
relaxes: sleep overtakes …

Better still:

Embrace -
transferred to teddy -
relaxes: sleep overtakes …

Your choices, of course.

You restored me to my prime beautifully. Thank you.

Where I said "line split" I meant "verse split" - sorry - but I think you twigged.

I like the child-like comfort of the cliche which you explained. Most amusing. It's your poem and if you want your cliche (and everyone else's - that is the problem with cliches) then you shall have it. Not my job to deprive you of it.

As regards helping the following line - disagree; it detracts from it for me.

OK, here's a suggestion. but, really, your choice, not mine...

Mummy! Mummy!
Screams to kindle the departed;
ghosts of dreams run,

(I chose "kindle" because one kindles fire and ghosts are meant to be cold (ghostly cold) so the screams would warm them into life.

Could use dead instead of "departed" but I was trying to offer choices.

Anyway, your choices.

Hope that helps?

J.

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Fran

Other options for that line are:

screams to rouse the dead
screams to startle the dead
screams to rattle the dead (get their bones shaking)

Nina

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Dear Dani,

Thank you for your warm words of encouragement.  :dove:

My daughter has had night terrors for years, but it still upsets me every time she screams, although I know she won't remember a thing in the morning. Sometimes we have a spell - days, even weeks - where all is quiet and I hope she is growing out of it ... but not completely as yet.

Fran

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi James,

Thanks for returning  

I think you need a dash because, else that reads (to me)...

"teddy relaxes"

Given, what you say about the meaning, I think my new recommendation would be:

Embrace - transferred to teddy -
relaxes: sleep overtakes …

Better still:

Embrace -
transferred to teddy -
relaxes: sleep overtakes …

Darn ... I can see your point, lol ... I shall think, cos I'm not sure I want dashes flying around a sleepy bit of the poem, if you see what I mean.

I think I might use kindle, or Nina's 'rattle' and 'dead' for the other line - thanks for your determination not to let my cliche escape, lol.

Wonderful help as always,

Fran

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi Nina,

Thanks so much for those suggestions - much appreciated.  :cheer:

Fran

[Guest_Jox_*]

Fran,

Thank you for your kind words.

My pleasure.

Oops I forgot - Eskimo.

I'm not one for political correctness. Moreover, if the name for a kiss like that is "Eskino" then that's its name - not Inuit.

I have to say I've never heard of Eskimo, butterfly nor Spanish kisses. But then I have no children and probably never was one either.

I'm sorry your daughter has frequent - if not regular- nightmare terrors. But at least her memory is wiped.

Good poem; Good show!

J.