mechanics of evolution, an English sonnet Options

[Marc-Andre Germa...]

Your magic irides, aquamarines,
your cheeks that flaunt vanilla orchid tones,
your licorice-braids, your unctuous mangosteens
that throb incanting tamed exotic moans:
“naja haje.” I yearn to chart your chapel
with my tongue in flippant arabesques;
mezzo-soprano gasps and tastes of apple
will awake long-banished picaresques
caged in aphotic hollows of my soul:
a symphony of id, a clarinet,
will rise to blow and yield, caress, cajole,
and taste the umbra dewed with anisette:
do not pronounce those motions “Lilliputian“,
they're the mechanics of our evolution.




Copyright 2009 by Marc-Andre Germain - All Rights Reserved


L9 previously read "encaged in the dark hollows of my soul:"
Thanks to Larry for suggesting "aphotic."

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Mark, not being a sonnet or form master, I am not sure if this is one but I know that this is very, very erotic. And it is very well done IMHO. I love the word usage ...second line full of 'L' sounds, followed by tasty 'licorice'..the unusual rhymes...anisette (have to take that stuff carefully...LOL) and clarinet..I just think that this is great stuff...and want to know why those words won't come to me when I want them...

Steve

[Marc-Andre Germa...]

Mark, not being a sonnet or form master, I am not sure if this is one but I know that this is very, very erotic. And it is very well done IMHO. I love the word usage ...second line full of 'L' sounds, followed by tasty 'licorice'..the unusual rhymes...anisette (have to take that stuff carefully...LOL) and clarinet..I just think that this is great stuff...and want to know why those words won't come to me when I want them...

Steve

Steve, thanks for reading and the nice comments. As I'm off today, I've got the time to go over what a sonnet is, hopefully other members will also find it of interest.

A sonnet is a poem of fourteen lines of iambic pentameter (when written in the English language; in French, they are written in alexandrines, lines of 12 syllables usually with a strong caesura after the sixth syllable.) The two main sonnet forms in English are the Petrarchan (or Italian) sonnet and the Shakespearian (or English) sonnet.

The Petrarchan sonnet consists of an octave (eight lines) rhyming abbaabba, and a sestet (six lines), usually rhyming cdecde but can vary. The octave poses a premise to which the sestet responds, hence the rhyming scheme.

The Shakespearian sonnet rhymes abab cdcd efef gg and can either be built as an octave and a sestet or as three quartains (four lines) and an ending couplet (two lines.)

Let's have a look at another sonnet to illustrate the points:

Sonnet 73 by William Shakespeare

The time of year thou mayst in me behold
When yellow leaves, or none, or few, do hang
Upon those boughs which shake against the cold,
Bare ruined choirs, where late the sweet bird sand.
In me thou see'st the twilight of such day
As after sunset fadeth in the west;
Which by and by black night doth take away;
Death's second self that seals up all in rest.
In me thou see'st the glowing of such fire,
That on the ashes of his youth doth lie,
As the deathbed whereon it must expire,
Consumed with that which it was nourished by.
This thou perceiv'st, which makes they love more strong,
To love that well which thou must leave ere long.

Notice the rhyming scheme, and also how each quatrains presents its own set of visuals, each ended with a strong caesura (period.) Here is a scan of the first quatrain.

The time /of year/ thou mayst/ in me/ behold/
When ye/llow leaves,/ or none,./ or few,/ do hang/
Upon/ those boughs/ which shake/ against/ the cold,/
Bare ru/ined choirs,/ where late/ the sweet /bird sang./

The first three lines are perfect iambic (i-AMB) pentameters. In the fourth line, the last foot is a spondee (SPON-DEE). This is an accentual-syllabic scansion. In an accentual scansion:
Bare ruined choirs, where late the sweet bird sang.
I tend to stress the word "bare" when reading this aloud. At the end of the line, the three consecutive stressed beats ("sweet bird sang") are known as a molossus. When we say that a poem is in iambic pentameter, we should often say that it is predominantly in iambic pentameter. Metrical substitutions vary the meter to break the monotony; I wonder how many poets out there want their poems to be read sing-songily. However, metrical substitutions should be used judicially, enhancing both rhythm and meaning. The use of internal caesura (natural pause, comma, colon and semi-colon and periods) also enliven the meter, as do enjambments (run-on lines).


Back to my own sonnet, here separated in quatrains to show how they build up. It is written in iambic pentameter, with a few metrical substitutions:

Your ma/gic i/rides/, aqua/marines,/ A
your cheeks/ that flaunt/ vani/lla or/chid tones,/ B
your li/corice-braids,/ your un/ctious man/gosteens/ A
that throb/ incan/ting tamed/ exo/tic moans:/ B

There is one trochaic (TRO-chee) substitution in the first quatrain, in the fourth foot of L1. I usually avoid metrical substitutions in the opening lines, where I establish the meter. In this sonnet, which is written as a symphony of words, I think "aquamarines" is interesting enough to support it.

“naja/ haje.”/ I yearn /to chart/ your cha/pel C
with/ my tongue/ in fli/ppant a/rabesques;/ D
mezzo/-sopra/no gasps/ and tastes/ of a/pple C
will/ awake/ long-ba/nished pi/caresques/ D

In L5, I think the foreign words "naja haje", the snake species (asp) that killed Cleopatra, are enhanced by the substitution. L5 and L7 end with a feminine ending, followed by a headless foot; combined, they are perfectly iambic, and the lines are enjambed to avoid a pause that would break the rhythmic flow. The first foot of L7 is also a trochaic substitution, not too sure how justified that one is...

encaged/ in the dark ho/llows of/ my soul:/ E
a sym/phony/ of id,/ a cla/rinet,/ F
will rise/ to blow/ and yield,/ caress,/ cajole,/ E
and taste/ the um/bra dewed/ with a/nisette:/ F

There is no way we would scan L9 "enCAGED in THE dark Hollows OF"; the second and third foot combined are called a minor ionic, or double iamb: /in the DARK HO/llow. I like double iambs.

This quatrain is metrically weaker for its heavy reliance on metrical elevations of the weak "of", "-ny" in "symphony" and "-net" and "clarinet," which need to be promoted to stressed beats to maintain the metrical flow. Here, I'm hoping that the meter has been established strongly enough to obtain poetic license.

do not/ pronounce/ those mo/tions “Lil/lipu/tian“, G
they’re the/ mecha/nics of/ our e/volu/tion. G

Metrically, the last lines poses problems: one of the first syllables need to be promoted to avoid a succession of four weak sounds "-tian they're the me". Here, I'm hoping to pull it off with the unusual rhyme Lilliputian/evolution.


Now for the fun part....you ask where the words come from...The raw material (words) came out of an exercise in Frances Mayes' The Discovery of Poetry, a real jewel by the way: she suggests-spending an hour (or more) leafing through several books and/or dictionary and build a list of your 100 favourite words, words you are fond off for their sounds, origins, connotations etc. To her suggestion, I would add the suggestion of a word atlas. Making it a sonnet is my own idea, I like to challenge myself. I hope you'll try it, I've had tremendous fun with it and I know I'll do it again and again.

I hope this answers your questions. If anything above is unclear, let me know.

Mark

[Marc-Andre Germa...]

Also: I'm glad you've noticed the string of Ls in the second sound. I've payed a lot of attention to sounds in this piece, not only attempting continuous assonance (repetition of vowel sounds) and consonance (repetition of consonant sounds, called alliteration when the repetition is in the first sounds of words) but also for their qualities. Hence all the sibilant (hissing) "s" for the "naja haje" in the poem, the THs in "that" and "throb" and the stopping consonant "t" for the throbbing line, the use of euphonic sounds (soft vowels and consonants) and carefully placed cacophonic, ugly sounds such as the rough "ih" in "id" etc. How well I've achieved this, I'm not sure, it would be nice if someone could read it aloud and give me feedback, as this is what I've been focusing on lately.

[jgdittier]

Dear Mark,
There is so much to learn and your explanations are a prime source.
Cheers, ron jgdittier

[Sekhmet]

This was an absolute delight, Marc! I revelled in your skillful use of richly embroidered language. Romantic. Erotic. And Exultant.
I am delighted to encounter such fire burning inside that cool analytical mind.

There was, as an extra diversion, (As if any extra diversion was needed after that gorgeous poem) some help on how the sonnet form should be put together. I'll hang onto that for future reference.
One question. Feminine ending? Who she? I have decided that a feminine ending is probably - The final word of a line, which has no strong beat. Is that correct please?
Leo

[Marc-Andre Germa...]

Dear Leo,

Thanks for reading, I'm glad to hear you've enjoyed the poem.

You're correct, masculine endings are lines that ended with a stressed beat whereas femine endings end on an unstressed beat. For example:

masculine endings:
O Captain! my Captain! our fearful trip is done;
The ship has weather'd every rack, the prize we sought is won;
femine endings:
The port is near, the bells I hear, the people all exulting,
While follow eyes the steady keel, the vessel grim and daring:
- From Walt Whitman's O Captain! My Captain

One note: a solid rhyme is one that carries identical sounds from the last stressed vowels. The consonant sounds immediately preceding the last stressed vowel must differ. In the example above, exulting/daring are not solid rhymes. In my sonnet above, all the rhymes are solid (if you accept the metrical elevation of the third syllable in "clarinet", that is....). I just thought I would add this here as this seems to confuse many starting poets. If that is useful to one, then it will have been worthwhile.

Mark

[Cleo_Serapis]

What a beautiful expression, Mark.

I'll be back soon to offer some thoughts on your meter and message. For now, wanted to say that I enjoyed this!

~Cleo

[Larry]

Hi Mark,

Haven't had much time lately to visit MM but some just arrived so I thought I'd pop in for a read or two. In your poem, it was more like 4 or 5. Beautiful English Sonnet. Your eclectic word usage and marvelous rhymes were a joy to read. Loved your explanations and the poetry lesson about sonnets, etc.

I have a couple of small nits though. L1, the word "irides"? Is this the medical word meaning the plural of iris? If so, never mind on the first nit. At first through third reads though, I thought, for some odd reason, "Your magic irides..." meant that "her" eyes were lustrous.

Just a suggestion on L9 - (Yes, I read you like double iambs!) Perhaps to get rid of the metrical weakness you might leave out "in the" and replace it with:
encaged within dark hollows of my soul:
Take or toss!

The other nits are in your last two lines, both of which have an extra beat.

do not/ pro nounce/ those mo/ tions “Li/ lli pu/ tian“,
they’re the/ me chan/ ics of/ our e/ vo lu/ tion.

Have you done this on purpose; a female ending for both lines? Just curious.
Also, you gave Lilliputian credit for only 3 syls and there are four.

I sort of feel like the student questioning the teacher but I've always been that sort of person.

Thanks for the post, it is lovely.

Larry

[Marc-Andre Germa...]

Cleo, thanks for reading. I look forward to reading your feedback.

Larry, thanks for reading and the input. Indeed, there was an error on the scansion of L13, not too sure how that slipped in but I've just corrected it, "Lilliputian" does have 4 syllables. As for the feminine endings in the ending couplet, I've been hoping Lilliputian/evolution is strong enough to justify it.

Yes, I believe "irides" is the Latin plural for both "iris" the eye part and "iris" the flower.

Thanks for suggesting "within", that might well go in, will consider. I actually like the double iamb there, but I feel I need a word that is more interesting than "dark" to pull it off.

One more thing: never mind questioning the teacher, I am also a student...and should a teacher come, you can be sure that I'll be asking the questions too.

Mark

[Larry]

Hello Mark,

Here is another thought I had. In L9, you might want to lose "dark" and utilize a word more in line with the impressive variety you have used in your poem. You might try:

"encaged; aphotic hollows of my soul"

You will lose your beloved double iamb but will gain an underlying duality of meaning and a word which may reimphasize your wonderfully descriptive word "picaresques". Most rogues suffer from an absence of "light".

No matter what, you have a winner in "mechanics of evolution".

Larry

[Sekhmet]

Good morning Marc, and thanks for the further explanation.
About Larry's 'irides' query. Whilst I was gazing at my keyboard, I noticed that the 'd' is adjacent to the 's'. Is the beautiful word 'irides' 'i-rid-es', by any chance a typo? Was irises the word you intended? Or, maybe, you have invented a composition word -
iridescent irises = irides.
Irides works so well as a word, and I accepted it without question when first I read this poem; simply thinking, "I must look that up"
Leo

[Marc-Andre Germa...]

Larry, thanks for coming back, and for the suggestion. I've learned a new word today (aphotic), and like it so much it went into the poem. Bringing in oceanic photosynthesis complements the imagery of irides and orchids and adds a depth layer to the poem. Thanks a lot!

Leo, I've just seen that you've nominated this poem. Heartfelt thanks to you. To answer your question, "irides" was not a typo, and it is the correct/latin plural form of irus, as cacti instead of cactuses.

Mark

[Larry]

Hello Again Mark,

Glad I could be of some help. The suggestion on using "aphotic" wasn't related to the photosynthesis imagery (or actually, the total lack of photosynthesis). I wanted to emphasize the darkness of the "hollows of my soul" as well as the premise that most rogues work in the shadowy realm and do not wish to have a light shining on their intentions.

It works both ways though. Thanks for letting me help.

Larry

[Marc-Andre Germa...]

Thanks again, Larry. I know what you mean for "aphotic", I just loved how it also goes with both the flower imagery, and also "aqua" and "marine." And yes, it goes well with "picaresques" too, and also with the "id." Your suggestion was perfect, had to take it

Mark

[Cleo_Serapis]

Congrats Mark on your faery award winning tile!

Well done!

~Cleo

[Marc-Andre Germa...]

Thanks, Cleo. My thanks to Leo for nominating it, and to Steve for his approval.

Mark

[Larry]

Hi Mark,

Might I add.. well done, well written and well deserving of the award. Absolutely stunning.

Larry

[Marc-Andre Germa...]

Thanks again, Larry. I'm glad you like it.

Mark

[Arnfinn]

Mark,

Congratulations on the faery award.

A wonderful sonnet

Your poetry knowledge and generous interaction with members, on various topics, is appreciated.



John