Sun Kings [1st revision - 14 Jun 2009], thanks to Marc & Syl Options

[Sekhmet]

 rock_sunflowers___Copy.jpg ( 15.62K ) Number of downloads: 1



Sun Kings 1st revision – with help from Marc & Syl



At Summer's cease, the sunflower fields lay bare;

all glory gone. The weary earth sleeps, jaded

and burnt, beneath the brassy Autumnal glare;

spent, exhausted, all that vast vigour faded.



Throwing its narrow wake, the ploughshare bites;

curling earth to rich, unfurled furrow.

Easing weary remembrance through the nights,

while winter's freezing fingers softly burrow.



May. Culmination of Earth's gestation.

Her longed-for labour will commence once more;

releasing splendour of her own creation;

the sunflower fields arise - and we'll adore.



The Sun flower Kings hold their brief courts again.

til jealous sun scorches their crowns with flame.



<sub>Original:

Sun Kings

At Summer's cease, the sunflower fields lay bare.

All glory gone, the weary earth sleeps - jaded

and burnt, beneath the brassy Autumnal glare.

Spent, exhausted, all that vigour faded.

Throwing its narrow wake, the plough, biting

deep - curls earth to rich, unfurling furrow;

easing her tired remembrance, through the nights,

when Winter's freezing fingers softly burrow.

May - The fulfilment of Earth's long gestation.

Her longed-for labour will commence once more.

Delivering splendour from her own creation.

The sunflower fields will rise, and we'll adore.

The Sunflower Kings will hold brief court again

Till jealous Sun scorches their crowns with flame.</sub>

[jgdittier]

Dear Sekhmet,
This sunflower sonnet sets the scene quite nicely. I hold them in high esteem as their devotion to facing the sun suggest a binding allegiance to the superior power.
I've grown them for years but find as my soils has gotten richer they grow higher and bigger and tend to be knocked over by the wind. They also seem to be a gift to the birds as few plants have please more birds.
They truly are "Sun Kings".
Cheers, Ron jgdittier

[Sekhmet]

 Sunflowers_June_28th_03.JPG ( 613.7K ) Number of downloads: 7

Click to see full picture.

We live in SW France, which is, 'Sunflower Country' - The picture is of a field nearest to our house. They are grown by the million, and the sight of them stretching to the horizon induces a kind of ecstasy in the viewer. They are the most human flower I know - especially when their faces, turn to watch their, 'Living God' progress across the heavens.
Thanks for reading.
Leo

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Leo, ah beautiful pictures, absolutely wonderful poem. That first pic looks like a painting, if so do you know who did it? I have a tiny quibble with the capitalized 'Sunflower Kings' but I think that is probably more me than anything. I really adored this plus it is a sonnet, which I just can't make myself do... alas.

Steve

[Sekhmet]

Hi Steve - thank you for your kind words. I wasn't quite sure if I had managed a sonnet - but if I haven't, I'm sure someone will let me know! In answer to your question about the picture at the top of the poem - It is indeed a painting, in oils, by the Canadian artist Geoffrey Rock. www.redkettle.com/.../rock-sunflowers.htm
There are 1.6 million pictures of Sunflowers on Google - but, of the ones I looked at, I thought that this one said it all.
Thank you again,
Leo

[Thoth]

Hi Leo,
A very good sonnet and wonderful tribute to the sunflower. Where I live on the South African Highveld, they constitute a major crop item and in season an ocean of yellow extends as far as the eye can see, so I can empathize. The contrasting burnt appearance of the dry crop makes the landscape seem desolate yet the birds gather in millions to harvest their share of the seed.

I enjoyed reading the poem and seasonal cycles portrayed and the grandeur of the blossoms as a royal gathering. The only small nits for me are; the falling metre lines which land differently in S1.
L9 and L14 which have metric inconsistencies.
L5/L7 rhyme!
Variations from iambic pentameter may be deliberate but are not used in a pattern.
Really small nits actually and more personal as I particularly love the sonnet in its pure form.

Thanks for sharing this lovely poem.

Wally

[Marc-Andre Germa...]

At Summer's cease, the sunflower fields lay bare. A
Assuming that you intend "sunflower" to be pronounced as two syllables (I pronounce it as three), this line gives the sonnet a strong metrical start. "Cease" is a word I don't recall seeing used much as a noun, besides in "cease-fire" though I know it does exist as a noun. Paused me a bit though, but works fine.
All glory gone, the weary earth sleeps - jaded B
Three strong beats at the end of the line. I just can't bring myself to stress both noun and adjectives, and leave the dynamic verb unstressed, the only one used in the active form in this line.
and burnt/, beneath/ the bra/ssy Autum/nal glare/. A
Anapestic substitution in the fourth foot. I usually try to avoid three-syllable feet in sonnets. Also, I'd note at this point that the whole piece feels a bit heavy on alliterations. It is a fine sonic device, but one too many and it can give an otherwise-fine poem an amateurish feel.
Spent, exhausted, all that vigour faded. B
Two metrical substitutions, the headless foot (I find they work better in iambic line when the previous line ends with a feminine ending.) The second substitution is the feminine ending of the line. I note it, as I find this sonnet a bit too heavy on metrical substitutions.


Throwing its narrow wake, the plough, biting C
The syllable count is right, but I think accentual-syllabic meter is intended here ( - I strongly hope so...) The trochee in the initial foot works well; reading it as a headless foot kills the meter of this line beyond repair...What really throws me off here is the trochaic substitution in the last foot. Perhaps it's just me, but I avoid them like the plague. Though I must say that, would the rest of the meter here be tighter, it might actually work surprisingly well.
deep - curls earth to rich, unfurling furrow; D
The " - curls earth to" throws me off a bit. Hard to say why, but I don't like it..."
easing her tired remembrance, through the nights, E
Another trochaic substitution. Again, by itself, works fine. After all the other solid rhyme, it makes it hard, very hard, to accept "biting/nights"...sorry.
when Winter's freezing fingers softly burrow. D



May - The fulfilment of Earth's long gestation. F
No way I'll leave "May" unstressed and elevate "the" here...Likewise for "of", "Earth" and "long."
Her longed-for labour will commence once more. G
Elevation of "will" bothers me somewhat here, perhaps because of the previous line.
Delivering splendour from her own creation. F
Same feeling with elevation of "from" here, for same reasons.
The sunflower fields will rise, and we'll adore. G
Same feeling with elevation of "we'll." (Am I starting to get on your nerves?)


The Sunflower Kings will hold brief court again H

Till jealous Sun scorches their crowns with flame. I
Were it the only one (or one of two), the trochaic substitution in the third foot would work well. I'm not too fond of "jealous Sun", a rather dated feel, but that's just me. What I don't like here is the near-rhyme, where all but another one have been solid, and in the ending couplet.


Leo,

This is harsh read, perhaps, but it's because I do know that you can do better, much better than that. I'll grant you that this is well-written (though not so well-crafted), and elegant. The visuals are a bit subdued to my taste, but they do have charms.

About the alliterations: I'd definitely keep the soft sounds ("S", "L") but would weed out the "G"s...

I hope this helps.

Mark

[Sekhmet]

Good morning Mark - You must be joking!
Leo

[Marc-Andre Germa...]

Good evening Leo, nope I wasnt' joking; but I take it that I've probably wasted both my time and yours. I apologise for the intrusion.

Mark

[Sekhmet]

Marc dear - I am an elderly woman, who ended her school life while still fourteen - and received no further education. I am, what I believe is called in the art world, 'a primitive'.
I regret that I simply did not understand your crit; and it is just possible that I am not alone there.
Your comments about Anapestic substitutions in the fourth foot; three-syllable feet; and the headless foot - simply sounded to me like a Podiatric Symposium. The trochee in the initial foot? - Sorry, you've lost me there too.
By the way - in Received English,(which is how I speak,) 'flower' is definitely a two syllable word
- and if a member of the Royal family were saying it - it would be one syllable - flah.
I have an eighty-four year old, ailing husband to care for, and very little time for myself. My scribbling is simply my own form of relaxation. I write about things that move, or interest me.
I also dislike criticising other peoples work - because my own knowledge is so sparse. Yet, it is obligatory in this forum. What I would ask is that, if you wish to make a detailed, technical crit - first study the writer. Are they likely to comprehend what you are planning to say?
An example: I can cook to a very high standard - there is very little in the repertoire of several culinary traditions that I cannot prepare . But, were I attempting to tutor a novice cook - I would not swamp them with all the technical terms for various processes. I would demonstrate how to make the souffle first - and when I was sure that they had grasped that particular technique - I would give them the correct culinary terms to write into their recipe books.
I thank you for the compliment of a technical crit - but something a little simpler would have been preferred.
Leo

[Marc-Andre Germa...]

Leo, I did take the time to highlight the stresses etc. to make it as simple as possible. Your poetic skills had led me to believe that you were proficient in prosody (the study of meter.) Any question for clarification would have been willingly answered. Anyhow, now that I know, I won't go over your poems in such depth. Thanks for letting me know, this will avoid any future frustration on both sides :)

Have a marvelous day,

Mark

Marc dear - I am an elderly woman, who ended her school life while still fourteen - and received no further education. I am, what I believe is called in the art world, 'a primitive'.
I regret that I simply did not understand your crit; and it is just possible that I am not alone there.
Your comments about Anapestic substitutions in the fourth foot; three-syllable feet; and the headless foot - simply sounded to me like a Podiatric Symposium. The trochee in the initial foot? - Sorry, you've lost me there too.
By the way - in Received English,(which is how I speak,) 'flower' is definitely a two syllable word
- and if a member of the Royal family were saying it - it would be one syllable - flah.
I have an eighty-four year old, ailing husband to care for, and very little time for myself. My scribbling is simply my own form of relaxation. I write about things that move, or interest me.
I also dislike criticising other peoples work - because my own knowledge is so sparse. Yet, it is obligatory in this forum. What I would ask is that, if you wish to make a detailed, technical crit - first study the writer. Are they likely to comprehend what you are planning to say?
An example: I can cook to a very high standard - there is very little in the repertoire of several culinary traditions that I cannot prepare . But, were I attempting to tutor a novice cook - I would not swamp them with all the technical terms for various processes. I would demonstrate how to make the souffle first - and when I was sure that they had grasped that particular technique - I would give them the correct culinary terms to write into their recipe books.
I thank you for the compliment of a technical crit - but something a little simpler would have been preferred.
Leo

[Psyche]

Hi Leo! And Marc!

Leo, your sonnet is very pretty indeed. I also love sunflowers. On the Argentine Patagonian Express (steam-engined!!) on which I travelled as a child, I simply adored viewing the sunflower fields (flowers has 2 sylls, at least officially..). I dreamt about them!

Not so long ago, I wrote a poem in Spanish called "Girasoles", i.e., "Sunflowers" ! If anyone is interested, it's posted on my blog wwww.poemaspatagonicos.blogspot.com

I agree with Wally's suggestions entirely (hello again, Wally, SO glad to meet you here at last. I've been following your daughter Nicola's blogspots about elephants, dogs & photographs. Marvellous! If I don't say this here, I'll not have time again soon. You have a fantastic daughter, Wally).

Leo, I also think the rhymes of L5/L7 are too imperfect. I don't mind imperfect rhymes, but there's a limit...LOL...Please take or toss!

Marc, I'm sorry you feel you've wasted your time with your well-intentioned, detailed, informed crit, but I think the problem consists in the fact that this is not a Workshop, it's a forum where we help each other out as peers (more or less). Fortunately, with quite a few highly knowledgeable poets such as Ron, Wally, Merlin, yourself, etc., who must do a balancing act so as not to discourage poets like me, or Leo and many others who're here to learn... Actually, one usually has to pay $$$ to join a Workshop. MM doesn't have one. My guess is that what seems simple to you, knocks people like me flat on the floor, in tears...LOL....

I'm saying this here because our Admin. Lori is having lots of problems. She usually hops over to smoothe things over. I apologize if I've said anything to offend. I'm not a Moderator, just part of the Staff, to help out here & there.

Anyway, I'm off to have a bite to eat!
Congrats, Leo, on your tribute to that glorious, sundial type of flower!
Syl***

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hello all,

I'll plan to be along this weekend to offer a critique to this lovely poem Leo, but I did want to call out (and thank) Mark for his most excellent and detailed critique. As you are both new to MM and are still feeling the waters as to the depth and style of each other with regard to individual expectations and the offering feedback, it's easy to take things in a way not intended. Metrical feedback is something that can take a long time to learn and even longer to explain. Thank you Mark for taking the time to offer such a wealth of information. I shall be using your crit for my own learnings. Yes, it might seem a bit scary Leo, but it's all meant to show you the formal, technical aspects of metrical poetry and how it can enhance your message through rhythms, rhymes and sound. I still am a novice with regard to meter and do not always know my terms. I mostly just go by how each line sounds to me as I read them aloud. Ron (jgdittier) often does that too - he may phrase sonnets as 'sing-song'. Eric (Merlin) is a wiz at this subject and perhaps he'll pop in to.

I guess the point I'm hoping to make is that all types crits are welcomed, and finding that happy medium between members is always a learning adventure too. Once one knows what type (the intensity and depth) of critique is sought, it becomes easier. Heck - Rome really wasn't built in a day, lol.

Be back as soon as I can!
~Cleo

[Psyche]

Hi Leo!

Here I am again, to read about those lovely sunflowers! If I'm not mistaken, you had some trouble posting your Revision?

Do you need any help, or did you simply want to change a couple of lines?

I'm off to bed now, and I'm also delayed in posting my replies to helpful members....dear me! I can emphasise with you, since my own husband has pre-senile dementia and needs 24-hour care. My daughter and our family doctor "ordered me" to put him in a home a while back, so poetry is a life-saver to get by in this strange kind of limbo I'm presently experiencing.

Hugs & take care, Syl***

[Sekhmet]

Good morning Syl -
You've hit the nail right on the head! I spent hours trying to post a revision, based on what I understood to be the problem with Sun Kings. It looked fine in preview, but when posted it - just two lines appeared - I am ashamed to say that I gave up after about half a dozen tries - I had no more time to spare.
Here is my revision, which I suspect is still far from perfect.
Thanks for your help -
Leo

Sun Kings 1^st revision – with help from Marc & Syl

At Summer's cease, the sunflower fields lay bare;

all glory gone. The weary earth sleeps, jaded

and burnt, beneath the brassy Autumnal glare;

spent, exhausted, all that vast vigour faded.



Throwing its narrow wake, the ploughshare bites;

curling earth to rich, unfurled furrow.

Easing weary remembrance through the nights,

while winter's freezing fingers softly burrow.



May. Culmination of Earth's gestation.

Her longed-for labour will commence once more;

releasing splendour of her own creation;

the sunflower fields arise - and we'll adore.



The Sun flower Kings hold their brief courts again.

til jealous sun scorches their crowns with flame.

[AMETHYST]

Hello Leo,

First let me applaud you for the striking beauty found in this piece. You bring to life the "Sunflower' and draw the reader into its world. I do believe this is a Sonnet, however it doesn't seem to adhere to the guidelines. Is is a hybrid of a Sonnet or a specific Sonnet Form I am not picking up on yet? ...

Not that this matters much, as the images, the information, the 'show' and lack of tell - make those questions just mere non-sense. I've only a few little nibbles, otherwise just mere praise for your offering and gratitude for such an enjoyable read.

Blessings, Liz

Sun Kings 1st revision – with help from Marc & Syl



At Summer's cease, the sunflower fields lay bare;

all glory gone. The weary earth sleeps, jaded

and burnt, beneath the brassy Autumnal glare;

spent, exhausted, all that vast vigour faded.

I would suggest for L1, "At Summer's cease, sunflower flields lay bare;"
This would bring it to Iambic Pentimeter - and also omit the repeat of 'the' so near to L2.

In L2, I believe the fem. line ending might bring in a strong headless Iamb for L3,
as well as in L3, I would suggest 'Autumn glare' While for L4, you might consider switching spent with exhausted -

"all glory gone. The weary earth sleeps, jaded
burnt, beneath the brassy autumn glare;
exhausted. spent, all that vigor faded.

Throwing its narrow wake, the ploughshare bites;

curling earth to rich, unfurled furrow.

Easing weary remembrance through the nights,

while winter's freezing fingers softly burrow.

Love L1S2 - I would suggest substituting 'earth' in L2S2 and weary in L3, with alternatives to keep from reusing them through the poem. The subject is fresh, the images are fresh and so might the lovilness of word choicesl....

Great end rhymes.

May. Culmination of Earth's gestation.

Her longed-for labour will commence once more;

releasing splendour of her own creation;

the sunflower fields arise - and we'll adore.



The Sun flower Kings hold their brief courts again.

til jealous sun scorches their crowns with flame.

No nibbles here... Excellent ending couplet.
Thank you Leo, I did enjoy reading this Sonnet and being swayed to become a new "FAN" of sunflowers.

Best Regards, Liz

[Arnfinn]

G'day, Leo,


I must say a very polished piece.

No mistakes in the rendition.


A pastoral theme.


A critics view is simplicity and grammar.

Full marks.

John

[Psyche]

Dear Leo,

On this gray Winter Solstice in Argentina, it's fantastic to read about Sunflowers! Your sonnet about the seasons, related to the sunflower's re-birthing cycle, is simply marvellous. You move through the changing weather moods with a delicate hand, showing us the darker side of life followed by emerging light & glory, which comes with a tad of hard labour!

I sense your poem as an allegory of humanity's paradox. When beauty, power and glory are achieved, along comes a being more powerful than anybody to hatchet us down to size... In my country, drought and sun scorched the pampas this year. Your picture of the dried-up sunflowers, unfortunately, reminds me of the season when they should have been Sun Kings!

There is a sad tone throughout your piece, or perhaps it's just me... I just remembered that our sunflowers do not really re-birth any more! The seeds are not fertile. Farmers have to buy transgenic seeds from Monsanto & Co...sounds crazy!

But your poem is another matter. Thanks so much for sharing this lovely, profound piece.

Hugs, Syl**

[Psyche]

Ooo, forgot to point out you have a missing 'l' in last line, for 'till'....LOL...what a nit!!!!

And that you've had great tips from other members, such as Liz, Ron, Wally, etc. Can you include them in the Topic Title, or sub-title, or just put thanks to ALL in your revision? I feel embarassed...

Syl***

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Leo, I meant to come back to this again earlier and got sidetracked... I nominated this for the Crown Jewels award not sure what has happened with that??? I certainly think it deserves that. After reading the comments, I must say that the first time someone started talking about metrical feet et al I too wondered what the heck...I now understand a little more than I did then, but still doesn't help my writing of it...lol. I guess I am meant to be a free verse writer and a simple rhyming verse writer... I know I've got two left feet for metrical stuff... lol. I certainly like the revision you've done also.

Take care
Steve