Invader, Faery Award Options

[Guest_Cailean_*]

Faery Award

*Graphic provided by
Celtic Castle Designs


Revised #2 thanks to Alan, ohsteve, AMETHYST, Cleo and Psyche!

Clothed in white and grey fur
Arctic azure stare
Once noble warrior,
Now bedraggled vagabond --
Humbled by hunger

I have heard his lamentations
Howling within the silent darkness;
I give him flesh --
He gives me gratitude.

An invader invited;
I welcome him into my life.

[Alan]

Dear C,

Interesting concept, IF I get what you are saying.

Seems like you have an alter ego ?

Love
Alan

[Guest_Cailean_*]

That's an interesting take on the poem, one I hadn't thought of. I guess your thoughts revolve around the "giving flesh" line? As a form of possession, perhaps?

There's a ramification I hadn't considered, if that's the case. The poem is actually about a stray malamute dog that I fed with some dubious meat my mother gave me to cook with. He stayed with us for a time, I "welcomed him into my house". Which was amazingly against our lease.

The idea of an alter ego is interesting. Sometimes there are elements in my stories (but more in my forays into poetry) that crop out to others that I don't see myself. I wrote a poem about an object that showed a great loss, an abandonment which was quite relevant at the time. (somewhat rocky time with my now ex-girlfriend)

I'm going to have to consider this, Alan. Thanks for your idea. Interesting reflection indeed!

Cailean.

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Cailean,,, interesting piece, but right off in your first line you need to choose one of the three or describe it as a whiteish grey with black trim maybe otherwise the line doesnt have any flow it just sort of stutters on the white/grey/black, in MHO.
After reading your explanation I can see where it could be a dog otherwise like Alan said it feels more like your describeing your alter ego...maybe subconsciously you were? well done piece otherwise thanks for posting.
Steve

[AMETHYST]

Hello Cailean,

There is a strong potential that lies within this piece - and as Alan's comment reveals, it could be metaphorical toward both your intended meaning - (as the narrator invites this stray in when everything says he/she shouldn't - yet the narrator could see that other alter ego of himself/herself within the vagabound and so has an affinity with it.)

I've some thoughts on other alternatives that might offer a more crisper direction, however - as always please use what helps you and discard the rest!

Best Regards, Liz

Dressed in white/grey/black furs
Arctic azure stare
Once noble warrior
Now bedraggled vagabond
Humbled by hunger

L1 immediately left me bored as it doesn't catch my attention - it seemed a bit confusing with the backslashes, why not making use of commas? ... or even ... beginning the stanza with L3 and work the description in - still ending on 'humbled by hunger...

Example:

Once noble warrior,
with arctic azure stare -
his fur, black with patches
of white and gray -
now manged,
a bedraggled vagabond
humbled by hunger.

I have heard his lamentations
Howling within the silent darkness
I give him flesh
He gives me gratitude.

Some weeding here and some sharpening of imagery might really put a punch into this follow up stanza -

In L1, I like the image of lamenting, the howling in a silent darkness it gives me the feel of the unsurity for the narrator and shapes that sense of danger - which helps to enhance that final line of inviting him/her in...

I would suggest a little more detail here to give it more depth.

Him lamenting howls
echoed against the silence
of the dark night -

his presence menacing
a violation of our code -
yet, I feed him flesh
and he offers gratitude

Is he truly an invader?
For I have welcomed him inside my house.

I would suggest omitting that question 'is he truly an invader?' - perhaps
presenting it as a fact...

an invader, now invited
and I welcome him within my home -

[Guest_Cailean_*]

ohsteve: I think you're right about the first line and you may have something with Alan on there was more of me being released than I may have realized, I did feel a certain kinship with that Malamute (we called him Zeus, after the story of when Zeus came to an old couple's house as a beggar with Hermes, I believe and they were treated well and then Zeus rewarded them for their hospitality). I'm not a dog person at all but for Zeus, I made an exception.

AMETHYST: I liked your suggestions for the beginning and end of the piece especially, particularly the change of first line. I've left the middle more mysterious than you suggested since I am attempting to hide from my audience that I'm writing about a doggy, hehe. My short stories make the extraordinary day to day while my poetry seems to make the everyday into something exotic. At least, that's the idea!

Thanks for all your input, I appreciate the help with my clumsy splashing in the poetry pool :)

Cailean.

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hello Cailean and welcome back to MM and to writing poetry (did I write that, poetry?) - cool!

The PP (punctuation police) asked me to confirm if you generally cap the beginning of all lines? It is a tad confusing when the lines flow together. You’ve missed a few endstops that I’ll address below as well. I like this poem, although I felt it was a bit incomplete, as in ‘this is the intro of this warrior, look for more to come’ – In IMHO, I felt let down a tad because I want to know more about the circumstances that changed him. Having said that, I’d like to see this one expanded so the reader becomes more involved in the characters and we learn more. Food for thought.

I enjoyed the journey and welcome you back into our home!

~Cleo

Once noble warrior
Dressed in white and grey fur
With arctic azure stare. (This feels fragmented)
Now bedraggled vagabond
Humbled by hunger[.] (Good alliteration as a poetic device to enhance the read)

I feel the opening stanza is a fragmented thought. What do we know thus far? Your character was once noble, something changed and now he’s a vagabond. He is dressed in certain clothing and comes from the arctic. What is he staring at? I’ll demonstrate with ‘tears’ to imply water of the ocean and his own emotion). If I may do a bit of word play here to give you further ideas to ponder:

Clothed in fur of ashen grey
a once noble warrior,
now bedraggled vagabond,
gazes among arctic azure tears –-
humbled by hunger.

I have heard his lamentations
[h]owling within the silent darkness[;] (Is there anything more about the darkness in addition to it being ‘silent’?)
I give him flesh (Here I would add either an emdash, ellipse or an endstop)
He gives me gratitude. (Here, I would substitute ‘gives’ with a different word, since you’ve already used it in the previous line, perhaps ‘grants’ or ‘bestows me with’ – to show a respect for the noble aspect of the character).

An invader invited;
I have welcomed him inside my house[.] (Is there another way to say, ‘inside my house’? Perhaps, ‘I welcome him.’ is enough to keep the reader pondering the meaning, the narrator welcomes the warrior into his life, instead of only his home?

Enjoyed!

[Psyche]

Revised thanks to Alan, ohsteve and AMETHYST!

Hi Cailean!
Good poem, IMO! I visualize a lost blue-eyed Chow Chow in the big city. Or some other Arctic breed, the ones that pull sleighs, the kind people purchase and then abandon when they get out of hand or too much trouble to care for. It's a sad poem with a lovely, poignant finale.

Once noble warrior
Dressed in white and grey fur
With arctic azure stare.
Now bedraggled vagabond
Humbled by hunger

I have heard his lamentations
Howling within the silent darkness
I give him flesh
He gives me gratitude.

It's weird, but the above S sounds more as if the dog were still in the silent Arctic, and not in a town or city.

An invader invited;
I have welcomed him inside my house

Continuing with the above thought, IMHO it sounds as if you should have welcomed him into your 'igloo'....sorry, no offence meant! To my mind, your poem doesn't have a 'city' feeling to it, but rather as if the MC is perhaps an Arctic dweller.
Well, my comments are probably way off, but perhaps that mysterious silent element is what makes your poem attractive.
Best, Syl ***

[Guest_Cailean_*]

OK, now I have a break between classes, last week of term, therefore I can respond! Cleo, definitely right on the punctuation - I'll probably still keep the caps but have implemented most of the changes you came up with, thank you!

I think my poetry and my short stories have a certain fragmentary quality to them, ironically enough, my poetry file is called "Fragment.doc", hehe :) It may be my love of mystery, as Psyche notices as well, hehe :)

Curious to find out what you feel about Under a Twin-Moon Sky as well, however :) *grin*

Psyche - Cleo referred also about the house but I like where you went with some other things, therefore I've left it mysterious and if people think the arctic for the malamute, well, that just adds to the mystery!

Going to revise the above thing yet again!

Thanks again for all your input! Most kind for this duffer. I am hesitant to post another poem since it's hard for me to make comments on poetry from my relative noobness!

Cailean.

[4rum]

Dear Cailean;
I've read your poem and I think there is much too much hidden. There is a whole story within your "fragmented" frame. In reading your account in comments the beauty of the write are let out. First I will apologize as I cannot write free form. I will only offer a fuller version of your wonderful write as ideas impressed upon me by your imagination and presentation.

For the appearance of the Malimut... I would offer:

Awash in tones of softly muted gray
With black and white forced brash upon my eye

To emphasize the blue eyes of the Malimut and his regal appointment:

Arctic's noble azure stare comes tempered now
In hunger humbled to bedraggled vagabond

For the meeting and ensuing relationship:

His lamentations claw into my sleep
Darkness' silence bear his woeful wail
In honor break my larder of it's meat Duality of meat as actual [i]andsustenance.
In honor is acceptance met with trust[/i]

Closure left open to the reader

Can invader understood, become my friend

I just felt that their is a wonderful story in your somewhat brief write. I liked it (as written). I am not proficient at critique.

Sam

[Lady Poet]

Hello Cailean,

I was riveted to the screen by this short yet stunning free verse! I love the white wolves of the far north and perhaps was biased by that and Jack London's White Wolf that I read when I was 9 years old.

Invader has excellent imagery, something very important to me, and tells a heartrending story with a happy ending. Who wouldn't love it?

I read in your response to a review this was a real story about a malamute, but it could just as easily have fit my first impression as well as have been cleverly metaphorical. In any case this work rates an all thumbs up for a great job done from me.

Blessings, Pami

[Psyche]

Hi Cailean (and stop calling yourself a duffer!!)

Back again to view your revision, which I think is great. I read some of the crits, and altho' I appreciate Sam's offers for your poem (I think Sam must be an accomplished poet, really tops), still I feel that you have to find out for yourself in which direction you want to go, and for that your revisions should be cautious, sort of step by step, IMHO. The way you're doing them. Congrats!

Sam, no offense meant, especially since I think you write beautifully, but the poem would not be Cailean's anymore if he revised so drastically!! I'm going to visit your poems asap, since I believe they must be really special.

Best to all,
Syl ***

[4rum]

Dear Syl;

Sam, no offense meant, especially since I think you write beautifully, but the poem would not be Cailean's anymore if he revised so drastically!!

I agree entirely. Cailean's poem is personal with much meaning to the author. I get carried away sometimes when I read something I really like. Thanks for the nudge.

Cailean....... hope I haven't put you off with my ramblings.

[Guest_Cailean_*]

Not at all, 4rum - passion and enthusiasm are great traits to have for any artistic form. But yes, Psyche is right in this case. Your lines are good but they are not my style, I tend to be a minimalist with description and words in general. I got shortlisted on Redbubble (www.redbubble.com.au) for my story Forsaken, which has a female protagonist which I don't even describe! It's an odd style but it tends to go towards minimalist description. Sometimes I'm accused of having less "atmosphere" and "scene" than I should :)

And Psyche? I'm still a clumsy poet! My short stories are my real strength. :) But I am trying to get better. I have a hard time appreciating most poetry, I'm not sure why.

Cailean

[Psyche]

Hi Cailean!
I've read about your minimalist direction with interest. Imagine a MC who isn't even described!!
You've motivated me to go back to Stonehenge and revise my only story posted there. I've been SO busy and stories require lots of time, at least for me! I described my MC as "the frail man", and I've been nudged into changing that, but it's not my intention.
Anyway, Cailean, if you want to call yourself 'clumsy', that's fairly minimalist!!! I don't agree, natch, and I shall also visit your stories asap. to learn from you.

BTW, I'm relieved I didn't cause any trouble here poking my nose in 4rum's comments to you. It's not always a good idea, I will not repeat that, even tho' in this case we're all still friends!!!
I still have to find your poems, 4rum, so I'll say bye for now,
Syl ***

Not at all, 4rum - passion and enthusiasm are great traits to have for any artistic form. But yes, Psyche is right in this case. Your lines are good but they are not my style, I tend to be a minimalist with description and words in general. I got shortlisted on Redbubble (www.redbubble.com.au) for my story Forsaken, which has a female protagonist which I don't even describe! It's an odd style but it tends to go towards minimalist description. Sometimes I'm accused of having less "atmosphere" and "scene" than I should :)

And Psyche? I'm still a clumsy poet! My short stories are my real strength. :) But I am trying to get better. I have a hard time appreciating most poetry, I'm not sure why.

Cailean

[4rum]

Dear Syl;

Your comment was entirely correct, proper and appropriate. Thank you sincerely.

Sam

[Cleo_Serapis]

Congrats Cailean on your faery award winning tile (nominated by Sylvia/Psyche)!

Well done!

~Cleo

[Guest_Xanadu_*]

Hello Cailean.

I also read this as a metaphor. Strays come on two legs as well as four. It could use some pumping up, but that is for you to decide.

I love minimalist poetry. Sometimes "nuff" said!