Wedding Night, Rhyming - natural disaster Options

[Mistral]

Wedding Night (2nd Revision - final?)

Beware the night when full moon fades
behind a veil of darkened cloud
which shields the ominous cocoon
with gleaming star-shaped daggered shroud.

Watch out when shafts of light rip skies
to strike upon a sleeping shore.
As one by one the moonbeams crash
they slowly waken earthen core.

Take heed and flee from irate fiend
who climbs, in anger, up through earth
to spew his furied flames of hell;
a heinous mountain giving birth.

Be cautious in the wake of flares
of searing ash and molten rock
as Earth’s deep core rises to meet
his bride, the moon, in grim wedlock.

And there they dance, in heavens high;
the toxic twirls of smoke encase
the golden globe of doom as she
surrenders to her groom’s embrace.

_______________________________________

Wedding Night (Revision)

Beware the night when full moon fades
behind a screen of darkened cloud
which shields the ominous cocoon
with gleaming star-shaped daggered shroud.

Watch out when shafts of light rip skies
to strike upon a sleeping shore.
As one by one the moonbeams crash
they slowly waken earthen core.

Take heed and flee from irate fiend
who climbs, in anger, up through earth
to spew his furied flames of hell;
a heinous mountain giving birth.

Be cautious in the wake of flares
of searing ash and molten rock
as Earth’s deep core rises to meet
his bride, the moon, in grim wedlock.

And there they dance, in heavens high;
the toxic twirls of smoke encase
a golden globe of doom, and she
surrenders to her groom’s embrace.
_____________________________________

Wedding Night

Beware the night when full moon fades
behind a screen of darkened cloud
which shields the ill-omened cocoon
with gleaming star-shaped daggered shroud.

Watch out when shafts of light rip skies
to strike upon a sleeping shore.
As one by one the moonbeams crash
they slowly waken earthen core.

Take heed and flee from irate fiend
who climbs, in anger, up through earth
to spew his furied flames of hell;
a heinous mountain giving birth.

Be cautious in the wake of flares
of searing ash and molten rock
as Earth’s deep core rises to meet
his bride, the moon, in grim wedlock.

And there they dance, in heavens high;
the toxic twirls of smoke encase
a golden globe of doom, and she
surrenders to her groom’s embrace.




**Saw a night-time photo of an erupting volcano with the full moon lying fairly low in the sky, peeking out behind a cloud, and it almost looked as though the rising ashes from the volcano was twirling around the moon, inspiring this poem**

[heartsong7]

What a wonderfully original way to describe a volcano erupting.
I like the quatrain format with only lines 2 and 4 of each Q rhyming thus allowing more space between rhymes, which I think works well with the fast paced tetrameter.
Only bump for me is here:
which shields the ill-omened cocoon
"ILL OM ened" throws the meter off.
maybe ominous or sinister?

I enjoyed this.
Sue

[Mistral]

Hi Sue!


How can I possibly argue with sensible suggestions? Methinks I'll gladly adopt "ominous" as it sounds better than "sinister" when read out loud. To me, at least. Luv ya for it, girl!

Hugs,
M

[Judi]

Hi Mistral...

You did a fantastic job on this and Sue mentioned the glitch in the meter, so I don't have to. I laughed to myself as I started to read it and saw it was about a volcano and not about you and Stedman...LOL...(But than I didn't really think you would write too much about that anyway, when it happens...) Really enjoyed this a lot...again, very well written. Judi

[Alan]

Darling Mariana,

Nothing to say, tho "WOW" might just squeeze out !

Love
Alan

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Mistral,

What a wonderful way of describing a volcanic eruption! I never would have thought of it. LOL Your imagery is great, making it easy to imagine! I've just a thought or two for you to consider... use or lose!

Cathy



Beware the night when full moon fades
behind a screen of darkened cloud

Maybe 'veil' instead of 'screen' to go along with the wedding theme?

which shields the ominous cocoon
with gleaming star-shaped daggered shroud.

Watch out when shafts of light rip skies
to strike upon a sleeping shore.
As one by one the moonbeams crash
they slowly waken earthen core.

Take heed and flee from irate fiend
who climbs, in anger, up through earth
to spew his furied flames of hell;
a heinous mountain giving birth.

Be cautious in the wake of flares
of searing ash and molten rock
as Earth’s deep core rises to meet
his bride, the moon, in grim wedlock.

And there they dance, in heavens high;
the toxic twirls of smoke encase
a golden globe of doom, and she 'as she'?
surrenders to her groom’s embrace.

[Mistral]

Yes Cathy, even better! Veil definitely slips in nicely with the the theme, thank you, and "as she" also fits the bill better. Thanks for always giving great suggestions, girl!

Judi & Alan, you're both darlings, thank you so much for your comments!

Luv ya all!
M

[Psyche]

Hi Mistral!
This is definitely a winner, in all aspects. You've deftly handled a most original idea. The twist in the poem is brilliant, I can only sit here and admire! What a great imagination you have.
The few changes have already been done, so I have no nits at all.
Congrats and thanks for sharing this stunning work,
hugs, Sylvia

[Mistral]

Dear Sylvia,

Yours are indeed beautiful words, thank you so much!


Hugs,
M