Captive Bred, Crown Jewels Award ~ based on Logarhyme Options

[Eisa]

I haven't been around for a while -- and my muse is asleep, so I thought I'd get this oldie out of the drawer for an airing.


. .


First revision -- I have got rid of some white spaces (thanks for the suggestion Mary)

Captive Bred

While creatures pace inside enclosures,
stalking tourists make exposures
of the sights
at feeding time. The beasts can’t prowl
for prey, but feast on joints and fowl.
These chosen bites
replace the chase to capture food
appeasing natural aptitude,
with this buffet.

The herds stampede to peer behind
the prison bars where life’s confined.
Without dismay,
they see the concrete habitats
bestowed upon these graceful cats.
Once roaming through
the wild as savage predators,
today they're chased by editors
for their debut
in Wildlife Magazine, a glint
of nature’s beauty posed in print.

This masquerade
is captured by elitist vultures
for a glimpse beyond their culture’s
barricade.

Recent tweaks

L2 was -- tourists stalk and make exposures

L27 was -- now hunted by art editors



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Captive Bred

While creatures pace inside enclosures,
tourists stalk, and make exposures
of the sights
at feeding time. The beasts can’t prowl
for prey, but feast on joints and fowl.
These chosen bites,

replace the chase to capture food
appeasing natural aptitude,
with this buffet.
The herds stampede to peer behind
the prison bars where life’s confined.
Without dismay

they see the concrete habitats
bestowed upon these graceful cats.
Once roaming through
the wild as savage predators,
now hunted by art editors
for their debut

in Wild Life Magazine, a glint
of nature’s beauty posed in print.
This masquerade
is captured by elitist vultures
for a glimpse beyond their culture’s
barricade.

[Thoth]

Hi Eira,
I loved the halting rhythm of this one.
As a wildlife fanatic, this poem holds special meaning to to me. It's so sad to see the exploitation and yet worse the decimation of the worlds dwindling wildlife resources. The existence of zoos and game reserves is unfortunately necessary to educate people about wildlife appreciation as well as raising the required funds to continue conservation efforts.

I will leave a detailed criteque to those more skilled than me, suffice it to say for me it was excellent and thank you for dragging it out of the bottom drawer for us. I hope it cleans up well, and your muse gets back to work soon.

Wally

[Mary Boren]

Snow! It's great to see you back -- you were missed, girl.

I'm quite taken with this poem. In fact, I'm going to go nominate it for the Faery Award right now. I read it aloud to my beloved and he really liked it too. My only nit is with white space in the middle of sentences -- one of my personal pet peeves. With the short lines interspersed, you don't need the white space for visual appeal anyhow.

Mary

P. S. Well, darnit, I can't find the place to make a nomination. I hardly ever get out of this room -- too many choices out there. I'll have to wait until I hear back from Lori unless you or someone else comes along and points me there from here.

[heartsong7]

Hi Snow,
It's great to read you again.
You follow the form well, but I think it would be easier for the reader to grasp the message if you didn't divide the stanzas according to the form. It's an important message on what I've come to view as a sad but necessary situation. I used to stay away from zoos because I couldn't bear to see the animals in such confining circumstances. I came to realize, though, that some of the better zoos, are actually very determined to do all they can to preserve species and educate the public while providing as close as they can to a natural habitat.
This part:
The herds stampede to peer behind
the prison bars where life’s confined.
Without dismay

they see the concrete habitats
bestowed upon these graceful cats.
caused me a little pause. Who is without dismay, the herds? Is that because they realize the cats are no threat to them? At first I wondered did you mean the tourists felt no dismay at seeing the cats so confined.

I think you may have more commas than you need, unless I'm missinterpreting your intent.
Below I've offered a suggestion for arranging the format that might help guide the reader to your meaning.


Captive Bred

While creatures pace inside enclosures,
tourists stalk and make exposures of the sights
at feeding time. The beasts can’t prowl
for prey but feast on joints and fowl.
These chosen bites replace the chase to capture food,
appeasing natural aptitude with this buffet.

The herds stampede to peer behind
the prison bars where life’s confined.
Without dismay, they see the concrete habitats
bestowed upon these graceful cats---
once roaming through the wild as savage predators,
now hunted by art editors for their debut
in Wild Life Magazine, a glint
of nature’s beauty posed in print.

This masquerade is captured by elitist vultures
for a glimpse beyond their culture’s barricade.

If you did reformat, I guess it wouldn't be recognized as a Logarhyme, but it would still flow when read aloud and would, I think, make more of a statement on paper.

Justathought.
I enjoyed this.
Thank you and welcome back!
Sue

[Eisa]

Hi Eira,
I loved the halting rhythm of this one.
As a wildlife fanatic, this poem holds special meaning to to me. It's so sad to see the exploitation and yet worse the decimation of the worlds dwindling wildlife resources. The existence of zoos and game reserves is unfortunately necessary to educate people about wildlife appreciation as well as raising the required funds to continue conservation efforts.

I will leave a detailed criteque to those more skilled than me, suffice it to say for me it was excellent and thank you for dragging it out of the bottom drawer for us. I hope it cleans up well, and your muse gets back to work soon.

Wally

Hi Wally

I am so glad you appreciated this one. I have very mixed feeling on the subject -- as you say zoos (and there are many good ones) are necessary to educate people ... and keep species going that otherwise might be extinct. Then I think of these creatures in their natural habitats.

Thanks -- I'm glad to give this an airing -- I have many more in the drawer to pull out soon.

Snow

[Eisa]

Snow! It's great to see you back -- you were missed, girl.

I'm quite taken with this poem. In fact, I'm going to go nominate it for the Faery Award right now. I read it aloud to my beloved and he really liked it too. My only nit is with white space in the middle of sentences -- one of my personal pet peeves. With the short lines interspersed, you don't need the white space for visual appeal anyhow.

Mary

P. S. Well, darnit, I can't find the place to make a nomination. I hardly ever get out of this room -- too many choices out there. I'll have to wait until I hear back from Lori unless you or someone else comes along and points me there from here.

Hi Mary

I've missed being around ... but now my mind seems far from writing. LOL!

I'm really honoured that you want to nominate this one. It started off as a short FV poem. I see what you mean about the white space and that's possbly why I felt something wasn't quite right here. I'll sort that now.

LOL! -- I've been here for years Mary ... and stil get lost!

If you scroll down until you get to the Main heading of --

MOUNT OLYMPUSCHALLENGES & COMPETITION

then the 5th section in there is --

MEMBER RECOGNITION VALLEY OF THE KINGS

I'm sure you'll get there eventually -- and thanks again.

Snow

[Eisa]

Hi Snow,
It's great to read you again.

Hi Sue -- It's great to be back

You follow the form well, but I think it would be easier for the reader to grasp the message if you didn't divide the stanzas according to the form. It's an important message on what I've come to view as a sad but necessary situation. I used to stay away from zoos because I couldn't bear to see the animals in such confining circumstances. I came to realize, though, that some of the better zoos, are actually very determined to do all they can to preserve species and educate the public while providing as close as they can to a natural habitat.

I agree -- there are some excellent zoos now and I feel they might even keep some species going that would otherwise become extint.

This part:
The herds stampede to peer behind
the prison bars where life’s confined.
Without dismay

they see the concrete habitats
bestowed upon these graceful cats.
caused me a little pause. Who is without dismay, the herds? Is that because they realize the cats are no threat to them? At first I wondered did you mean the tourists felt no dismay at seeing the cats so confined.

'The herds' ... here I was refering to the crowd of visitors (play on words) so it is they who feel no dismay.

I think you may have more commas than you need, unless I'm missinterpreting your intent.
Below I've offered a suggestion for arranging the format that might help guide the reader to your meaning.

I used to over punctuate at the time I wrote this one.LOL!

Captive Bred

While creatures pace inside enclosures,
tourists stalk and make exposures of the sights
at feeding time. The beasts can’t prowl
for prey but feast on joints and fowl.
These chosen bites replace the chase to capture food,
appeasing natural aptitude with this buffet.

The herds stampede to peer behind
the prison bars where life’s confined.
Without dismay, they see the concrete habitats
bestowed upon these graceful cats---
once roaming through the wild as savage predators,
now hunted by art editors for their debut
in Wild Life Magazine, a glint
of nature’s beauty posed in print.

This masquerade is captured by elitist vultures
for a glimpse beyond their culture’s barricade.

If you did reformat, I guess it wouldn't be recognized as a Logarhyme, but it would still flow when read aloud and would, I think, make more of a statement on paper.

You have given me much to think on with the format. I can see that if I keep strictly to logarhyme it is a bit halting in parts. For now I think I'k just get rid og the white spaces as Mary suggested and think on what you have said.

Justathought.
I enjoyed this.
Thank you and welcome back!
Sue

Thanks Sue -- it's always good to hear from you.

Snow

[Mary Boren]

Whew, I found the place, and nominated it (here) for the Crown Jewels Award instead, which seems more fitting. Incidentally, Logarhyme was a new one on me, so I googled the term and it led me right back here to MM.

I think the visual presentation is much better now, Snow. Thanks for listening. On reading through again, I managed to come up with a couple of wee nits:

These chosen bites,
replace the chase to capture food

No comma after bites.

Without dismay
they see the concrete habitats

Comma needed after dismay.

Once roaming through
the wild as savage predators,
now hunted by art editors
for their debut
in Wild Life Magazine, a glint
of nature’s beauty posed in print.

This is not a complete sentence. You could make it so by changing "now hunted by art editors" (which doesn't scan well anyhow) to something like "today they're stalked by editors." If you don't want a repeat of stalked, which I wouldn't, you could change L2 to "tourists gawk" or something. It isn't really necessary to say they are art editors, since you've said "nature's beauty posed in print." Wildlife (not Wild Life) Magazine.

Again, congrats on a job well done.

Mary

[Cleo_Serapis]

Congrats Snow on your first Crown Jewels award winning tile (nominated by Mary)!

Well done!

~Cleo

[heartsong7]

Hi Snow,
Congratulations on the award...very fitting. I think that just closing the white spaces makes a huge difference and still maintains the Logarhyme form. My idea might make it hard for readers to focus on the fact that there is a form within. I'd keep it as you have it now.
I still think "herds" is confusing.... but that could just be me not relating it to the tourists. If you did want to make it more apparent, you might say something like:
The herds of humans pause to peer behind or some such.

Very well done.
Sue

[Cleo_Serapis]

This is simply FANTASTIC Snow!

I stand here in awe at the message - zoos are not form animal'ssake, for to appease our own savage nature (and to make millions off the ads, admission fees etc. - I'm going to nominate this one for the IBPC - so please do check your PM. I agree whole-heartedly also with Mary's recommendation on the Crown Jewels award for excellence in form and message here. Kudos!

I honestly have NO nits at all and I've read this through 3 times too looking for something - but the rhythms, images andmessage are all excellently portrayed & demonstrated. Theclosing is really a grabber too!

This masquerade
is captured by elitist vultures
for a glimpse beyond their culture’s
barricade.

Enjoyed!
~Cleo

[Eisa]

Hi Mary

Thank you so much for the nomination.
I have read your other comments and will be tweaking soon.

Thanks
Snow

[Eisa]

Hi Snow,
Congratulations on the award...very fitting. I think that just closing the white spaces makes a huge difference and still maintains the Logarhyme form. My idea might make it hard for readers to focus on the fact that there is a form within. I'd keep it as you have it now.
I still think "herds" is confusing.... but that could just be me not relating it to the tourists. If you did want to make it more apparent, you might say something like:
The herds of humans pause to peer behind or some such.

Very well done.
Sue

Thanks Sue!

I'm still thinking on that one -- even if I shorten to human herds, I have too many syllables for the line. I might think of something.

Always good to hear from you.

Snow

[Eisa]

This is simply FANTASTIC Snow!

I stand here in awe at the message - zoos are not form animal'ssake, for to appease our own savage nature (and to make millions off the ads, admission fees etc. - I'm going to nominate this one for the IBPC - so please do check your PM. I agree whole-heartedly also with Mary's recommendation on the Crown Jewels award for excellence in form and message here. Kudos!

I honestly have NO nits at all and I've read this through 3 times too looking for something - but the rhythms, images andmessage are all excellently portrayed & demonstrated. Theclosing is really a grabber too!

This masquerade
is captured by elitist vultures
for a glimpse beyond their culture’s
barricade.

Thank you Lori!

I am making some minor changes, but nothing drastic.

Snow
Enjoyed!
~Cleo