Intestate, from a Pandora Challenge Options

[Ephiny]

2nd revision

Intestate

In freshly ploughed soil;
a silent seedling unfolds itself
like a butterfly.

You loved the long days,
free of shadows and time
to walk along yellow-headed ditches,
searching for the sun.

And always home by evening
to put the hens in, safe
from prowling foxes.

I see you still,
under the haze of a spring coloured sky,
hands immersed in soap,
twilight-framed
in the kitchen window.

Cracked now, patterned
in clinging green, stained
with the dirt and dust
of three long winters.

Three cows died,
the first year.

By the second, green-vined embraces
snuffed out softly,
the scent of roses.


Nature awakens
and reclaims.







Intestate (1st revision)

Between freshly plowed rows of earth,
the silent seedling unfolds
like a butterfly.

You loved the long evenings,
free of shadows and time
to walk along yellow headed ditches,
searching for remnants of sun.

I see you still,
under the haze
of a spring-coloured sky,
hands immersed in soap,
at the kitchen window
framed in twilight's glow;

cracked now and stained
with dirt and dust

of three long winters.

Nature awakens to reclaim
what no one else can.

[Psyche]

Dear Lucie,
I especially like your title, after having read this lovely, poignant poem. Yes, there are things, especially memories, feelings, etc., that one doesn't put in one's will, does one?
I'll see whether I have any nits, for you to toss or use, at will (no pun intended):

Intestate Very apt title.

Between freshly plowed rows of dirt, Not furrows, or earth instead of dirt? Just ideas..

the silent seedling unfolds itself
like a butterfly. What a delicate simile!

It was your favourite time, the evenings long,
free of shadows and time
to walk along yellow headed ditches,
searching for the sun. This is a lovely stanza, I only have trouble with L2, because it seems you're going to say "free of shadows and time", but then "time" belongs to L3.

I see you still
under the haze of
a spring coloured sky,
your hands immersed in soap,
framed in a twlight glow
in the kitchen window; Ah, here is the poignant vision, remembrance of a loved one...I like the prosaic tone, mentioning "hands immersed in soap"...beautiful!

Cracked now and stained
with dirt and dust
of three long winters. You make tears come to my eyes, Lucie.

Nature awakens to reclaim
What no one else can. And here the relationship to the title. A wise, insightful finale..

I'm so glad you're back at MM with your mystical, delicate and perceptive poetry. I believe lots of us missed you. Thanks for the read,
Syl ***

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Lucie,

I like the imagery you've created here. It puts me in mind of a serene and comfortable atmosphere. A time to relax and lose the stresses of the day. A few thoughts for you to ponder...

Between freshly plowed rows of dirt,
the silent seedling unfolds itself
like a butterfly.

I love the image and comparison of the seedling and the butterfly!

It was your favourite time, the evenings long,
free of shadows and time
to walk along yellow headed ditches,
searching for the sun.

I think lines 2 & 3 are a tad confusing. Reformatting might help... I thought maybe 'remnants' would enhance the idea that it is the time of day when the sun is disappearing?

It was your favourite time...
a long evening free of shadows,
time to walk along yellow-headed ditches
searching for remnants of the sun.

I see you still
under the haze of
a spring coloured sky, Should 'spring coloured' be hyphenated?
your hands immersed in soap,
framed in a twlight glow
in the kitchen window;

I think the lines about the hands should be kept together. Maybe something like...

I see you still
under the haze
of a spring-coloured sky,
in twilight glow
framed by the kitchen window;
your hands immersed in soap...
cracked now,
stained with dirt and dust
three winters long.

Cracked now and stained
with dirt and dust
of three long winters.

Nature awakens to reclaim
What no one else can.

Very appropriate ending! Although I think you could leave the capital off of 'what'. Of course, these thoughts are just my opinion so use or lose as you see fit! I've enjoyed the read~

Cathy

[Eisa]

Hi Lucie

It's so good to read your work again -- this is wonderful!

Intestate

Between freshly plowed rows of dirt,
the silent seedling unfolds[itself]
like a butterfly.

L1 -- Perhaps earth instead of dirt
L2 -- I think perhaps 'itself' is unnecessary

It was your favourite time, the evenings long,
free of shadows and time
to walk along yellow headed ditches,
searching for the sun.

It was your favourite time, the evenings long,
free of shadows and time

Perhaps the start of this could be condensed to

It was your favourite -- evenings long,
free of shadows and time

I see you still
under the haze of
a spring coloured sky,
your hands immersed in soap,
framed in a twlight glow
in the kitchen window;

This is so beautiful -- brought tears to my eyes,remembering my mother

Cracked now and stained
with dirt and dust
of three long winters.

Nature awakens to reclaim
What no one else can.

A poignant end

I really enjoyed reading this one.

Snow

[Ephiny]

Hi Sylvia,

Thank you so much for reading and replying and for your lovely comments.


Between freshly plowed rows of dirt, Not furrows, or earth instead of dirt? Just ideas..
the silent seedling unfolds itself
like a butterfly. What a delicate simile!

Sadly I cannot take credit for the above lines as they were part of the Pandora challenge (though I'd like to!) but I would (if it's allowed) like to play with them a bit.

I'm grateful for your comments in the second stanza because I felt those lines didn't read too well either so it's great to have something to think about a bit more.

I'm really glad that you enjoyed this one. I wrote it with my grandmother's house in mind..there is actually some disputes between some of the family over land there now (it's always about land in rural Ireland!!) and so the thought in mind was as you said, the memories that we don't take with us and that can be harder to hold on to as time goes by, and also the memories that can get lost when there is dispute of this sort within a family..sometimes what you lose is so much more than what you are actually fighting over.

Thanks so much for reading..I always enjoy your comments,

Lucie

[Ephiny]

Hi Cathy!

It's lovely to talk to people here again!! Hope you are keeping well:)

Thanks so much for reading and replying to this. Unfortunately, I cannot take credit for the first three lines..though I like them very much!! I guess maybe I should come up with something of my own..it was just what the theme of the challenge led me to writing about so I kept them there for now..not sure if that is ok..

I love your idea about using the word "remnants" and think it would make that line clearer..thank you, and also the capital W..hadn't spotted that!! Your suggestions are great and give me a lot to think about..am going to go back and have another look now.

Thanks again, Cathy,

Lucie

[Ephiny]

Hello Snow:)

Lovely to hear from you and thank you so much for your lovely comments.

Perhaps the start of this could be condensed to

It was your favourite -- evenings long,
free of shadows and time That's a great idea..I love to get suggestions about condensing lines because I have a tendency to say too much or use unnecessary words..am working on this!!!! And I think it structures the lines better.

It's funny sometimes some pictures or images seem to lead us to certain memories of people..and they can be the littlest things as well.

Thank you so much for stopping by..I really appreciate your comments,

Lucie

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Lucie.

As I mentioned in Pandora, this is fantastic! And YES, yo ucan certainly edit the required snippets as you wish once you repost this outside the challenge forum. Your title is original and pulls the reader in. From there, we see the life of one who has passed on, but whose memories and life-force are still felt strongly in the narrator. I enjoyed this one! It's a nice follow up to your 'My Grandmother's Hands' poem.

Here are a few ideas below to ponder as you wish.

Good to see you and read you again!
~Cleo

[add] {delete}

Between freshly plowed rows of earth,
the silent seedling unfolds
like a butterfly. (you could also make it plural to be:
silent seedlings unfold
like butterflies.) BUT I suspect this is a metaphor to the individual we read about later?

It was your favourite time -- evenings long,
free of shadows and {time} [measures]
to walk along yellow headed ditches,
searching for remnants of sun. (alternate: searching for sun’s remnants.)

I see you still
under the haze of
a spring-coloured sky,
your hands immersed in soap,
framed in {a} twilight[‘s] glow
in the kitchen window;
(an alternate stanza format)
I see you still under the haze
of a spring-coloured sky,
your hands immersed in soap,
at the kitchen window
framed in twilight‘s glow;

[c]racked now and stained
with dirt and dust
of three long winters.

Nature awakens to reclaim
what no one else can.
Poignant, memorable ending!

[Ephiny]

Hi Lori,

Sorry for the delay in replying to you but thank you so much for reading and replying and for your suggestions. I had only just realised that in the second stanza, I used the word "time" twice!!!! I'm going to have a close look at your comments now and do a bit of editing!!! Thanks so much for your help:)

Lucie

[Guest_Kathy_*]

This is lovely, Lucie.

You say the first three lines are not yours? They must have been part of the challenge.

I got a bit side-tracked by the first two stanzas. There she was, walking along in the dusk and suddenly we are looking at her hands.

For me, the poem begins with this close-up of her hands. Look at this:


I see you still
under the haze of
a spring-coloured sky,
your hands immersed in soap,
framed in a twlight glow
in the kitchen window;

Cracked now and stained
with dirt and dust
of three long winters.

It's original, tender.

Just supposing you started here. I would like to see what you come up with next. Maybe go to the fields, mention the squabbling between relatives, perhaps in a metaphor of some kind, then draw an ending with it, leaving a bit unsaid so it tickles at the nape of the neck...

What do you think?

BTW, the title is great. Keep it in mind as you write the ending...yes I know you did that, but I miss the bit about the family fighting over her belongings. I think its important to the essence of the poem, which is a lament for her really, isn't it? Your affection for her shows through, and it's clear that your values are different from those of the squabblers.

Best wishes, Kathy.

.

[Ephiny]

Hi Kathy,

That's a really interesting idea..thank you very much:) I'll certainly give that some thought and see what I come up with..I feel it is a bit disjointed so your comments have given me an idea of directions to go in!

Thank you very much for reading and your thoughtful reply:)

Lucie

[Guest_Kathy_*]

My pleasure, Lucie. I often find that my opening lines restrict a poem as it develops and I have to get rid of the opening before I can go on. I call these beginning thoughts/lines 'scaffolding.'

It could be that you have two poems here.

[bbnixon]

Hi Lucie,

This is a beautiful poem, your love of the person and your frustration of the situation shines through. I think the version at the top has been revised a little as I followed along with the comments. The title and the ending tie back to each other, and the strophes between a loving testimony to the person who died. I think I would like to know how the person who died would of felt about the current situation, perhaps between strophes 2 and 3…. It reminds me of my grandmother…who would of hated for anyone to argue on her behalf. As kids she would pop us on the head if any of her grandchildren could not get along, or make us hug in a corner.


This is a beautiful poem, I just want to see a little more….I look forward to the revision.

:) brenda

[Ephiny]

Hi Brenda,

Thank you very much for reading and for your comments, which I really appreciate. Have made a few little revisions so far so hopefully I'm getting somewhere!! I realise I should have left in the very original version of the poem as well as revising but forgot about that (I'll know for next time!) But I'm really glad you enjoyed this..and my grandmother was just like that as well!!

Thanks again,

Lucie

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Lucie.

This is coming along nicely! I have just a few more suggestions I'll note below on your second revision, as always take or toss as you wish.

Cheers!
~Cleo


[add] {delete}

In freshly ploughed soil{;}
a silent seedling unfolds itself
like a butterfly.
You don't need that semi-colon up there.

You loved {the} long days,
free of shadows and time
to walk along yellow-headed ditches,
searching for the sun{.} [-] Here, I would change this to a dash.

And always home by {evening} [dusk or nightfall]
to put the hens in, safe
from prowling foxes.

I see you still, You don't need that comma here.
under the haze of a spring coloured sky,
hands immersed in soap,
twilight-framed
in the kitchen window.

Cracked now, patterned
in clinging green, [it's] stained
with the dirt and dust
of three long winters.

Three cows died{,}
the first year.

By the second, green-vined embraces
snuffed out softly{,}
the scent of roses.


Nature awakens

and reclaims.

I must admit, I like the dram a a tad more on the original ending - 'what no one else can'. You could alter it with:

Nature awakens

and reclaims what few seldom can.

[Ephiny]

Hi Lori,

Thanks so much for returning!! And for your suggestions which are great..and I will definately use them...and also your comment about the end..I feel the same I think..couldn't make up my mind! You've given me food for thought on that!

Thank you again!

Lucie

[Cleo_Serapis]

Great - nice to hear you pondering more alternates Lucie!

I'll look in on this one again!

Cheers
~Cleo