EXCALIBUR, Crown Jewels and Wizard Award Winner Options

[Cleo_Serapis]

Wow Grace!  :hsdance:

I really enjoyed this poem very very much!  :lovie:  I am fascinated with all ancient myths and legends so this one was sure to fancy my palate!

Your smooth rhymes tell a story without any bumps or questions as to the beginning, middle or end - like a ballad.  :wizard:

Here are the only nits I noted:

[delete] {add}

a new{born} sword famed through[hout] the land
A prize he pledged he would return[.]
before his funeral pyre could burn.

Well done!
~Cleo  :pharoah2  :pharoah2

[Cybele]

Hello Lori,

I really enjoyed this poem very very much!    I am fascinated with all ancient myths and legends so this one was sure to fancy my palate!

Your smooth rhymes tell a story without any bumps or questions as to the beginning, middle or end - like a ballad.  

 

Thank you Lori, I am very pleased you enjoyed it.

I have just returned from a weekend in Cornwall, visiting one of my sons and family. They asked if I would like to go an see a Battle re-enactment. Of course I said yes, having no idea which one it would be or which period even.

We travelled down to Tintagel (Camelot) and the re-enactment was.... the Battle of Camlann, What a coincidence!!     I have taken some lovely pictures and will add one to this poem, with a special footnote (gleaned from talking to the experts), and I shall post a few more in the Gallery for you to see.

Tomorrow, that is, after I have tackled the Flash!!

a new{born} sword famed through[hout] the land
A prize he pledged he would return[.]
before his funeral pyre could burn.

Thank you for the suggestion Lori, but since the sword (although magic! ) was an inanimate object it would have been forged, not born.

Didn't notice the fullstop. Thank you I shall delete it.
:pharoah2

[Cybele]

Hello Alan,

I think you have it.

Only tiny thing, there seem to be some extra line-breaks, is there a reason ?

Do you mean the last stanza Alan? If so, this was because I changd the tense to the present.

Btw, the only dire thing about this is your own view of your abilities !

I still find it incredible that people not only read the things I produce, but actually like them.  :speechless:

When I first started posting, I used to read the crits to Ralph incredulously. I was of the opinion that without years of practise it would be impossible to produce work that people would even bother to read, let alone take seriously. It is only through the support and encouragement of my friends here that I ever continued writing.

Ralph had the same trouble with his paintings. They were never any good in his eyes and languished in cupboards. Afer I lost him, I had them all framed and every member of the family now has a 'Ralph ' original in a place of honour in their homes, which gives me great joy, and I am sure, would have secretly please Ralph.  :cloud9:

Thank you for all your help with this one Alan, and your continuing support. It is greatly appreciated.

[Guest__*]

Dear Grace,

The down prob could be :


Below the town named Avalon
a river winds towards the stone

How's zat ?

Love
Alan

[Guest_Don_*]

Hi Nina,

>>Don, I am 68 years old. I don't have that much time to spare. <<

I too am 68 years old and dawdle in poetry rather than something considered useful by society.  I wouldn't take a personal audit, but contact local chamber of commerce equivalent for their educated guess.  Then that number would quickly be forgotten as it was only to satisfy a trivial curiousity.

I do get your point.  There are too many to verify in several years of investigation.

Don  :)

[Cybele]

Hello Alan,

The down prob could be :


Below the town named Avalon
a river winds towards the stone

How's zat ?

Isn't it amazing that when you are too close to something, you can't see the obvious? ???   :p

Your white charger must be a little fatigued with all this rescuing Alan, he deserves a packet of extra strong mints.    

I'll buy you a jar in September!!  

[Cybele]

Hi Don,

Have you tried to tally the total number of texts on this subject in the various bookstores?  They are surely still coming.

Don, I am 68 years old. I don't have that much time to spare.

Isn't it wonderful to be living while living legends swirl about.

Yes, it certainly is, and may they long fire the imagination of future generations.

[Guest_Don_*]

I like your second revision very much.

As you say the renditions are prolific.  The myths (likely composite histories) I like are about King Arthur and the Fisher King.  I have a copy of Sir Gwain and the Green Knight because I love the old style of poetry in which it is written.  

Don

[Guest_Don_*]

Dear Grace,

>>As previously stated Don, I live 5 miles from Glastonbury (reputed Isle of Avalon) and in the many book shops there one could find every book ever written on the legend of King Arthur! <<

I think the number of films produced is also prodigious.

Have you tried to tally the total number of texts on this subject in the various bookstores?  They are surely still coming.  Isn't it wonderful to be living while living legends swirl about.

Don

[Cybele]

Hi Daniel,

Good to see you here!  

Excellent revision, Grace.

May I merely suggest in S1L2

a river wanders...              

That gives perfect imabics, and it think it says what you're implying.  'down' is not needed, since rivers never go up anyhow.

While I agree that rivers never flow up Daniel, I am not too sure of the word wanders which means 'to move about without a fixed course, aim, or goal.'  Rivers most definitely have a fixed course and goal.

Meanders on the other hand is a good descriptive word, but one syllable too long. It's a puzzlement.

Anyone got any other ideas please?

I am glad you enjoyed it Daniel.

I am no great shakes at iambics, I work more by instinct of how it sounds when I read it aloud. Although I have used 'down' it is not intended to indicated the direction of flow, but rather to point to where the stone is positioned  (down towards)- if that makes any sense.

I am always open to ideas so if you have another suggestion, I would be very pleased  to hear it.

[Cybele]

Crown Jewels Award

Celtic Castle Designs


*Graphic provided by
Celtic Castle Designs

ARTHUR(CENTRE)RALLIES THE TROOPS FOR THE LAST SKIRMISH AT THE BATTLE OF CAMLANN

Photo of Sir Bedivere on the Gallery.

(Historical note gleaned from the experts.)

Although Arthur was mortally wounded on the field of combat, his body was taken away for healing. Had he died he would have been given a celtic funeral on a pyre, so technically his promise to the Lady was kept. It is said that he is sleeping, awaiting the call to rise and once again do battle for England against her enemies.


SECOND REVISION

Excalibur



Below the town named Avalon
a river winds towards the stone
which holds a sword in fast embrace,
a blade no-one can yet displace.
Excalibur awaits the man,
the chosen one alone, who can
detach it from the place it’s sheathed;
to him a kingdom is bequeathed.

Young Arthur grasped the jewelled sword
and proved he was the one true lord
and future king.  This sword would break;
but fairest Lady of the Lake
delivered into Arthur’s hand
a new sword famed throughout the land.
A prize he pledged he would return
before his funeral pyre could burn.

The scabbard lost; the magic died.
A mortal wound smote Arthur’s side.
The king, at Camlann, now struck down
by fatal wound to England’s crown,
bade faithful Bedivere to take
the magic sword back to the lake.


Excalibur whirling through the air
is caught by Lady waiting there;
then through the mists of Avalon,
the Lady's hand, and sword... are gone.



EXCALIBUR



Below the place called Avalon
the river winds down to the stone
which holds a sword in fast embrace;
a long time prisoner in this place.
Excalibur awaits the man,
the chosen one alone, who can
free it from  the place it’s sheathed;
to him a kingdom is bequeathed,

Arthur grasped the jewelled sword
and proved he was the one true lord
and future king.  This sword would break,
but fairest Lady of the Lake
delivered into Arthur’s hand,
a new sword famed throughout the land.
A sword he pledged he would return
before his funeral pyre would burn.

The scabbard lost; the magic died.
A mortal wound smote Arthur’s side
at Camlann. The king struck down
by fatal wound to England’s crown,
bade faithful Bedivere to take
the magic sword back to the lake.

The glinting sword thrown in the air
was caught by lady waiting there.
Through swirling mists of Avalon
the sword and lady’s hand were – gone.

[Guest__*]

Dear Grace,

Sir Knight to the rescue - IF he can drag his sword from out of that darn stone ....

EXCALIBUR

Below the place called Avalon -- "named" would be a more "olden word ?
the river winds down to the stone -- down, ?
which holds a sword in fast embrace;
a long time prisoner in this place. -- a prisoner held fast in place ? don't know ...
Excalibur awaits the man,
the chosen one alone, who can
free it from the place it’s sheathed;
to him a kingdom is bequeathed, -- not comma but .

Arthur grasped the jewelled sword -- ba-bums : Young Arther ?
and proved he was the one true lord
and future king. This sword would break, -- could break ?
but fairest Lady of the Lake
delivered into Arthur’s hand, -- no comma
a new sword famed throughout the land. -- sword, famed ?
A sword he pledged he would return -- a blade ? avoin 2x sword ?
before his funeral pyre would burn.

The scabbard lost; the magic died. -- When scabbard ? end in , or ; ?
A mortal wound smote Arthur’s side -- then no cap, end ;
at Camlann. The king struck down -- the king at Camlann was struck down, ?
by fatal wound to England’s crown, -- a fatal wound
bade faithful Bedivere to take
the magic sword back to the lake. -- his magic sword ?

The glinting sword thrown in the air -- Excalibur glints in the air, ?
was caught by lady waiting there. -- not . but ;
Through swirling mists of Avalon -- if so, no cap ?
the sword and lady’s hand were – gone. -- the sword, and ...

Grace, DIRE need ? Don't think so - see how you feel about the above suggestions - I'm not sure I'd adopt them all, but have not reformated to see.

Then I can do more if you wish.

Love
Alan

[Cybele]

Dear Sir Knight,  

Galloping to the rescue ~ as usual.  

Below the place called Avalon -- "named" would be a more "olden word ?
the river winds down to the stone -- down, ?
which holds a sword in fast embrace;
a long time prisoner in this place. -- a prisoner held fast in place ? don't know ...
Excalibur awaits the man,
the chosen one alone, who can
free it from the place it’s sheathed;
to him a kingdom is bequeathed, -- not comma but .

L1 Agree with named.
L2 downstream in abbreviation Alan.
l2 Your line much better thank you.
L6 Full stop ~ of course dumkopf! (Me, not you Alan. )

Arthur grasped the jewelled sword -- ba-bums : Young Arther ?
and proved he was the one true lord
and future king. This sword would break, -- could break ?
but fairest Lady of the Lake
delivered into Arthur’s hand, -- no comma
a new sword famed throughout the land. -- sword, famed ?
A sword he pledged he would return -- a blade ? avoin 2x sword ?
before his funeral pyre would burn.

L1 I had 'young' Arthur and took it out - will put it back now!
L3 No, would break Alan. The original had a weakness and was replaced by the Lady of the Lake.
L5 removing comma.
L6 Think I'll keep 'a' Alan.
L7 Think I like

A prize he pledged he would return.

The scabbard lost; the magic died. -- When scabbard ? end in , or ; ?
A mortal wound smote Arthur’s side -- then no cap, end ;
at Camlann. The king struck down -- the king at Camlann was struck down, ?
by fatal wound to England’s crown, -- a fatal wound
bade faithful Bedivere to take
the magic sword back to the lake. -- his magic sword ?

L1 Will keep 'the' scabbard lost Alan. The sword was stolen by Morgen le Fay and when it was recovered the scabbard was never found. There may be a better way of saying this. This statement is complete so I think I'll keep the full stop here.
L2/3 Think I'll keep as is.
L8 But it wasn't his Alan, it was only 'on loan' from the Lady of the Lake.

The glinting sword thrown in the air -- Excalibur glints in the air, ?
was caught by lady waiting there. -- not . but ;
Through swirling mists of Avalon -- if so, no cap ?
the sword and lady’s hand were – gone. -- the sword, and ...

L1 Yes, much better, thank you.
L2 OK semi colon
L3 dropping initial cap
Not at all sure about this line Alan. I need it to be more dramatic I think.

Grace, DIRE need ? Don't think so - see how you feel about the above suggestions - I'm not sure I'd adopt them all, but have not reformated to see.

Then I can do more if you wish.

Okay Alan, thank you. I will post a first revision and see how it looks.
Gawd bless yer, guvner.  :block:

[Cybele]

P.S Alan,

I had to alter the first stanza ~ too many 'places'.  :laugh:

[jgdittier]

Dear Grace,
I wrote these four suggestions before seeing Alan's...
line7 detach from free
line 9 I had "so" but like "young" better
line 14that sword now famed...
line 19 The king, at Camlann, now struck down.
last stanza- could be brought to present tense.

Just ideas...
Cheers,     Ron

[Guest__*]

Dear Grace,

Coming along very nicely !

Below the town named Avalon
the river winds down to the stone
which holds a sword in fast embrace,
a blade no-one can yet displace.
Excalibur awaits the man,
the chosen one alone, who can
free it from the place it’s sheathed;
to him a kingdom is bequeathed.

Young Arthur grasped the jewelled sword
and proved he was the one true lord
and future king.  This sword would break, -- delete extra space
but fairest Lady of the Lake
delivered into Arthur’s hand
a new sword famed throughout the land. -- I think comma after sword ?
A prize he pledged he would return.
before his funeral pyre could burn.

The scabbard lost; the magic died.
A mortal wound smote Arthur’s side
at Camlann .The king struck down -- move dot one apce back !
by fatal wound to England’s crown,
bade faithful Bedivere to take
The magic sword back to the lake, -- no cap The, also not comma end ?

Excalibur whirling in the air
Was caught by lady waiting there; -- not cap W ?
through swirling mists of Avalon
the sword, and lady’s hand were – gone. -- another comma after hand !

Love
Alan

PS Most of my earlier nits were through simply not knowing the details of the story - I had no idea that Morgan stole the sword - I though it was stuck in the stone. And yes, I HAVE real T H or T E White !

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Grace

You have captured very well the story of Excalibur and as Alan says, it wasn't in need of much improvement.

I really like your last verse and the vivid image conjured up.

Excalibur whirling in the air
Was caught by lady waiting there;
through swirling mists of Avalon
the sword, and lady’s hand were – gone.

It know it is probably just me, but in R & M poems I seem to have a problem where a full stop comes into the middle of a line and the next sentence continues to the following line, I automatically pause in both places and completely lose any pace and rhythm.

Thanks for the read, much enjoyed.

Nina

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Grace, Nina, et al,

>N>I automatically pause in both places and completely lose any pace and rhythm.

Well, at least you start with rhythm!

An interesting piece Grace - well done. If it has rhythm, as well as rhyme, I'm completely lost so I'll leave critting to them wot's understands. But thanks for the read and well done!

Winchester has "Arthur's" Round Table by the way - in the Great Hall.

All the best, J.

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Grace, James

Well, at least you start with rhythm!
LOL, only because I have noted that it is in Hermes and seen the rhyme pattern so can anticipate the rhythm.  However, often meter passes me by and the ba/dum shorthand goes right over my head.  I have no idea which part of the word  I put stress on and the more I think about it the more muddled I get.  

Nina

[Guest_Jox_*]

Ah! Thanks, Nina.

A fellow sufferer. :)

Neither rhyme nor reason.

I worked in an RC school for fifteen years - there were dozens of brothers.

That, to me, was proof that the rhythm method doesnn't work.

Poetry in motion!

J.